Story Title: A Life For My Boyfriend
Story Link: clicky

Author: PastelClover

Reviewer: ClouDYesung
 

Title: A Life For My Boyfriend (3/5)
The title seems eye-catching but it didn’t seem enough for me to click on it. I, and probably others, would skip through it not looking at it twice. It does, however, get readers to wonder what kind of life this ‘boyfriend’ will have letting the reader wonder just a tiny bit.

Description and Foreward: (9/15)
A quote from the story always catches a reader’s attention so it’s almost always a good thing to put in the Description. It wouldn’t give away too much of the story line getting the reader to have more questions than answers. This would get the reader to continue on reading your story.

The Forward wasn’t much though. It contained an author’s note, story advertisement, and the credits. If you’re going to be advertising your stories or using an A/N, then put it into a small font because it ruins the mood of the Description.  All the extra things get people distracted and makes the page full and annoying. Try avoiding doing any of those things.

Characters and Characterization: (5/10)
I understand this is
a oneshot but it seemed rushed. I understand that Sehun had cancer and that Luhan was the caring boyfriend but it all seemed boring and unemotional while was I reading it. There was crying, which even to me seemed dry, and fluff, wasn’t enough and didn’t showed so much.

I feel that Luhan should have more emotion when he found out that Sehun had cancer. Readers want to know the depth of finding out that a loved one had cancer and also wanted to know the inner feelings of the person who had the cancer. The ending was stale to say the least. It’s suppose to be an unhappy ending but it was barely anything. Again, it was rushed and bland. Try to add more
details into your writing and you’ll be surprise about how much details can trigger an emotional response.

Appearance: (10/15)
It was organized but there were some distracting things in your story. For example: the fonts and colors at the foreward, the constant POV changes with the blond letters, and italic -actions-

Originality: (4/10)
Being unique is a difficult thing in the world of fanfiction writing since nothing is truly ‘original’. You took a cliche storyline but didn’t do anything to change it into your own. There are too many stories with the same plot. There’s something to do with a hospital, one person has cancer (cancer is always the one used), the other is worried wanting to save the life (again, overuse), and then the ending is either that someone dies or lives. Whatever the result, it’s pretty predictable.

Next time, try to use your own ideas, but I do see you try to come up with some.

Flow: (5/10)
The overall flow of your story was okay but just like the characters, it was rushed. Just take the time to think of the next scene like a movie or a TV show. You kept skipping scenes after scenes either putting -at the hospital- or -in the doctor’s room-. You need to elaborate and be able to explain everything that is happening in the story. Skipping story scenes would make readers see you as someone unable to describe actions.

Grammar and Spelling (10/30)
Couldn’t find much a spelling mistake except I think I spotted a typo: smileb

The grammar though:
Incorrect:
“I don’t want you to worry about me. I’ll be fine,” He gave me an assuring smile.
“I...I’m okay,” He stuttered and cracked a smile.
“I’m really okay. Maybe I'm just feeling too tired,” He said.
“I don’t need to go to the hospital...” He said weakly.
“Please follow me to my room,” He said.
“Sure, but usually only blood related people match. It’s usually 1 out of 100,” He said

All of these sentences are quotes with someone saying them. After the comma, if the subject isn’t a name then it should be lowered case. The ‘he’ should be lowercase, not capitalized.

Correct:
“I don’t want you to worry about me. I’ll be fine,” he gave me an assuring smile.
“I...I’m okay,” he stuttered and cracked a smile.
“I’m really okay. Maybe I'm just feeling too tired,” he said.
“I don’t need to go to the hospital...” he said weakly.
“Please follow me to my room,” he said.
“Sure, but usually only blood related people match. It’s usually 1 out of 100,” he said

General Enjoyment (1/5)
Sorry, I didn’t really enjoy it. It was difficult for me to keep reading it until the end but I did anyways.

Personal Thought
I think you could actually be an amazing writer. All you gotta do is just add more details letting the reader feel the pain, the happiness, and even the romance going on. By doing these things, it would mean more people would read it and subscribe to the story. Maybe instead of changing the POVs all the time, confusing readers, you could always try using third person. 

Total: (47/100)

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