Story Title: Woebegone
Story Link: clicky

Author: zining

Reviewer: kittyxluvlee
 

Title- 5/5
I just want to start off by saying....OH.MY.GOD. Best title ever. No, seriously, I applaud your choice on title. It's perfect, seeing that this story is based off of Shakespeare. The title isn't some long drabble. It's nice, short, poetic, and it adds just the perfect touch of sadness and longing. Great choice of title! :D

Description/Foreword- 11/15
Sorry if I seem a bit harsh with this section's grading. For me, I think descriptions and forewords are incredibly important with drawing in a reader and capturing their attention. The first quote is nice, but for someone who is incredibly picky with grammar (a lot of people are these days :/) the second sentence kind of threw me off. Just a little. It was a fragment. I personally think fragments are kind of nice and poetic...if used in the right way. I think this would've been better instead:

        "When you realize love had existed but was hidden beneath the shadows....when you only understand what you had after it was gone..."

Overall, I did love the wonderful poetic goodness in this sentence. I'm a er for things like these XD.

I do feel that the foreword and description was overall a little messy. Honestly, it looked like a jumble of sentences. Usually, I would just group all the sentences together where it seemed fit, but since you change the person of the sentences, that would be pointless. I think you could modify the "I thought I could be your Juliet..." to third person. Or modify the other. Whatever works. I also think the dedication could've been added to your little author's note instead group the 'Love is pain' with the other sentences. Just my honest opinion....But I love forewords like these....Good job :D

I was a bit confused about "A secret will never remain safely uncovered unless you take it to your grave." Uhm...My tiny brain can't comprehend this...did you mean covered? But I love the grave part ;) Just the right touch.

I also think the colors were unnecessary. With your poster and white background, I think you should just stick with the gray/black/white color scheme. Random splashes of color just don't really do it for me :/

Your foreword was amazing overall, but I'm just nit-picky ^^;;

Character Development/Showcasing- 13/15
Your character development was perfect for the two main characters. Loved it. I loved how CL is constant in her love for JiYong and how you made her someone who yearned for love, eventually pushing her to her breaking point. I loved how JiYong realizes that really does love her after she leaves. Everything is pretty much perfect with those two. But....There's something I'm not so sure about. T.O.P's time with CL was good, but I just thought their relationship escalated wayyyy too fast. Plus, it's a little confusing. Was he just using her? Did he really love her? As a friend or something more? What's the whole deal with Bom? You don't see her in the story at all, but all of a sudden, she turns up at the end. I feel like you could've elaborated more on T.O.P's relationship with CL and Bom.  Just a little confusing...Oh, and who was the hacker dude? I think you could've elaborated on that a little more too....

Appearance- 8.5/10
One thing. I love the poster. Love.  It's got just the perfect, sad note to it, lending an extra feel of eloquence to the story. Kudos to whoever did the poster :) It's got a nice gray theme going for it, but then there's just that random splash of color in the foreword. That's not really a big thing, but what did bother me just a little was the italics. I don't really like it when people write their story in italics. I get that it gives that elegant, sophisticated feel, but I personally feel that italics are used for emphasis, and then bold italics for more emphasis. In the first chapter, first paragraph, you should've spaced out the quotations. I don't have time to re-write it word-for-word, but here's an example:

"Quotation."

Her hand snapped up.....

"Quotation."

Remember, if it's a different person talking than the person being described or written about, separate the quotation from the paragraph. At first, I thought she was the one talking.

Otherwise, the paragraph spacing was pretty good. Though it does help some people if there are double spaces between paragraphs :D

Originality- 12/15
Okay, so Romeo and Juliet is pretty common. I mean, it's Shakespeare. BUT...It's not something I see often on AFF, thus the 12 :D I love the way you wrote it, making your own twist on it. Technically, it's not really Romeo and Juliet--just the end (which I loved, by the way) I love how you had the guts to actually kill off your characters. Not a lot of people have the courage (or talent) to write a tragedy, and I think you pulled it off perfectly~

Flow- 7/10
It was pretty good overall, but there were a few bumpy spots. I personally like it when people write

CL's POV

on top to notify the reader that there's a change. In real novels, you're doing it right. But this is AFF, and some people don't have enough time to process the POV change (like me XD) and it can throw them off. The connection of the present and the past is pretty choppy...like CL's painting flashback. I know you wrote flashback, but I like to know it's a flashback just by reading it (Thus, the italics and past tense--Present tense shouldn't be used for flashbacks usually) An example is when CL went to visit her mom. I couldn't really tell where she had her flashback until a while later (Hence, the importance of italics in flashbacks. Also, when you just have a flashback to a sentence, it should be set apart by italics.) I did feel like some things were rushed (Like their friendship), but it was pretty good for fitting in a story in 6 chapters.

Grammar/Spelling- 15/25
Oooh....this is where I'll have to take off points. Sorry >.<;; For me, when I first started reading, I spotted all these small grammatical mistakes. They were small, but it still matters. I don't know if English is your first language because I didn't see your request form, but it kind of bothered me. Of course, I got used to it after a while, and I was so into the story, I didn't notice it that much after that (Good job on distracting me XD).

It's late, and I have a competition tomorrow. Therefore, I'm not going to spend all my time on pointing them out and correcting them. I will say, though, just watch out for your comma splices and your punctuation after quotations. And your lack of commas in some places (cough*compound sentences*cough) And semicolons! (Ex. Art classes were her favorite classes, her salvation between the tough experiences You did have some incorrect verb tense too. Stick to one tense. Past or present. It's usually past though. (Ex. He muttered into her ear.) It just sounds....nicer? Oh, and the inconsistent person change. You mostly stuck to third person, but I believe that there was a part where you switched to first person all of a sudden. That can really deter a reader, so just watch out :D You also missed hyphens where they were needed and added them where they weren't.

Also, some of the wording for the story was really awkward. (Ex. "Yah! I don't know who you are, but I reached first." Reached what first?)

(Ex. [First chapter] ....but well-rumored. It would send less choppy if you used, "...but there were already rumors flying about who she was, what she did.")

You also used the word 'imprudence' in the first chapter....did you mean 'impudence'???

General Enjoyment/Last Comments-10/5
I FRICKIN LOVED IT. It was amazing! I wasn't so sure when I first clicked the link, but you managed to me in less than six chapters! Amazing! I loved the ending. The writing and emotions were perfect! Their ending was tragic, yet bittersweet, and the emotionally-charged atmosphere helped add the right dramatic touch. I totally did not expect JiYong dying by a car crash. Great job! I usually really hate short stories like this, but this is totally the exception. Thus, the +5 for making me fall in love with your story XD I'm not even that big of a Skydragon fan, so you've accomplished quite a feat. Like I said before, I love how you had the guts to write that type of ending. I feel like nowadays, writers are just so eager to please readers with a happy ending that happy endings are kind of standard. In fact, if you had ended the story with a happy ending, it wouldn't have been as amazing as the ending you have now. I definitely enjoyed reading it~

Last comments...hmm...well...congratulations for being my first review on AFF ever~ :D I'm sorry that you had to get stuck with a new reviewer, but I hope you liked the review. I hope I wasn't too harsh on you ^^;; I usually just ask the person if they want blunt-honest or nice-honest. I wasn't sure what you wanted, but you seemed to have a pretty good grasp on English. I just decided to review inbetween-ish, so I hope it wasn't too harsh ^^;;

Total: 81.5/100