My first impression of your title was that the story's about a player. Minho's the player hooking up with Key(the moon) and Taemin(the sun). But it's later clarified after I look at the tags.

 

Your title is perfect. It creates a sense of curiosity in people. It stands out among the long list of the latest updated fan-fictions. It attracts readers to click on the title to find out more.

 

Your title is ambiguous and I like it. It tells a little bit of the characters without giving away the whole plot.

The contradictions in the description do draw in readers. It's short and sweet and push them to continue. However, it still doesn't have a intriguing factor to it.

 

Both the foreword and the description are used correctly and there aren't any errors.

The flow is great. You have spent equal amount of effort to narrate the time Key had with Taemin as well as his time with Minho. 

 

There's a need for more happenings or a better way to proceed with the plot. You've asked about the entertainment value of your fan fiction. Your story has been written well yet, it lacks sparks. To rise the entertainment level, do elaborate more on emotions. At the part whereby Key decides to return to Minho in chapter 3, what were his feelings? Was there any internal struggle of whether he should go back or not? Was there even any hesitation? How was Minho feeling?

Since 'missing' has several meaning, 'Missing passengers' can be misleading thus I suggest that you make this more specific. 

 

I suggest using 'hanging around' or 'staying back' instead of 'hanging back'.

 

Your story is based with a whole lot of descriptions. It's your personal writing style and ultimate your decision but I would like to let you know that there are times whereby direct speeches can be instead of indirect ones. Using dialogues allows a break in your descriptions which in turn , makes your paragraphs less dreadful to read. Some of your paragraphs are long and tiring to read. I'm not asking you to cut down on descriptions but rather, do give breaks in them. After all, vocabulary that is used in the right way needs to be flaunted to showcase your writing style.

Your strong points are grammar and spelling. You have mastered the pesky grammar rules apart of the tiniest mistakes.

 

1. 'The professor' is used instead of 'The Professor'. When you're addressing a person like "Good morning, Professor.", then, a capital 'p' is used. It's the same as 'the doctor' and 'Doctor', too.

 

2. 'Left overs' is spelt as' leftovers'. The words are joined.

 

3. 'Klutz' is spelt as 'clutz'. I believe is a typo.