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REVIEWER: iiRoRo-x

Foreword: 11/15

A vague blanket is cast in the foreword, which I enjoy since it draws the reader in. But, the fact is that it sounds very cliché. It is the same as saying “the smart kid in class meets oblivious boy and falls for him, but doesn’t want to acknowledge it.”

Title: 8/10

The title is very cute and compliments the story well.

Grammar: 16/25

You have minor errors here and there—more with your syntax and mechanics than with grammar.

Example ONE: [“Ice-cream?” Minho’s eyes lit up like a baby kid and the girls blushed and giggled.]

Honestly, I thought that this sentence could have opted out “baby kid” and be replaced with “child.” Baby and kid are similar and when put together, it just sounds awkward. Or, you could have done it this way:

[“Ice-cream?” Minho’s eyes twinkled childishly at the thought of all the flavors and toppings as the girls fawned over his cute demeanor.”]

In this way, I changed “baby kid” into an adverb (childishly) and reconstructed the sentence to fit the new word I added. “Fawned” can also be used if you want to use a different verb as you seemed to use the word “blush” a lot. It gets really repetitive and it bores the reader. Another thing, your sentence seems choppy.

Example TWO: [“It was now past midnight and they had stayed within The Piano and dozen or more caffeinated drinks and live performances and random conversations.”]

I found this sentence awkwardly worded. One, this sentence (if you split it into two)…

SENTENCE ONE: It was now past midnight and they had stayed within The Piano.

SENTENCE TWO: A dozen or more caffeinated drinks and live performances and random conversations.

…doesn’t express a complete thought. Sentence one did, however sentence two did not. Where is your verb and direct object? All you have is a compound subject.

Two, some words aren’t needed to state the point you are trying to make in the sentence. You don’t need “It was now past midnight” since you have implied that they have been there for a while with “[a] dozen or more caffeinated drinks”. The reader can already guess that it has been a while. As for your sentence as a whole, I think I know what you were trying to say, but I recommend fixing this problem to clarify it for other readers.

For example: [“They had stayed in The Piano, watching the live performances and having random conversations as empty cans of caffeinated drinks idly laid around them.”]

Spelling: 15/15

I couldn’t find any! (:

Plot/Originality: 13/20

Honestly, I thought that this was going to be super cliché; however, it wasn’t as cliché as I imagined it to be. But, the downside is that it wasn’t original. I have seen so many fics with this same plot, and it gets really boring and you are able to tell what is going to happen. There isn’t that special plot twist that just pops out of its ninja bush and attacks you or that special “ommph”. Another thing I look for in a well-developed plot is the character development and character traits. It’s the main basis for every fanfic—it makes the character come to life! Character development: you should definitely think about developing more on the character traits as well. According to your foreword, Key is a “smart” guy and Minho is “oblivious”. Yes, Minho’s characterization was good—but where was Key’s? He never had his own time to shine. I, as the reader, never got to see him develop which disappointed me a lot. He was a stagnant character and had no impact whatsoever. This really upset me since he is one of the main characters. Taemin had more of an impact in the story in comparison to Key.

Overall Enjoyment: 10/15

I’m not a fan of Minho—never was. But reading this, I wasn’t as annoyed as I thought I would be. It was a little fluffy (not vomit-fluffy which I am GLAD that you didn’t do) and went straight to the point. However, I am still stumped at certain parts of the story which rendered me utterly confused.

Layout: 2/5

It’s kind of plain. Have you ever thought of getting a poster for your fic?

Bonus: 3/10

For making me like Minho, KUDOS to you! And your writing is rather descriptive and well thought out. I see real potential in you (:

Total: 78/100