10:56 AM.  18^th of December. Your eyes were swollen from all the crying last night. But it still felt like a dream, somehow. Joon.. Having cancer.. Leaving soon.. it all felt untrue. Like someone would pop out soon to tell you it was a lie. Or maybe that was what you hoped for.

Many things ran through your mind after you knew he had cancer. You were actually afraid of spending time with him, because you didn’t know when he would just leave you. But you knew you couldn’t be the one leaving him. You loved him. Even though the both of you hardly knew each other for a week, you knew. It was love.

You texted him first. ‘Good morning Joonie! ^^ Should we go somewhere today too? Or maybe have lunch together?’ You didn’t mind sounding obsessive or pestering, because you really did want to spend all of your time with him. Before he was gone. You had to.

‘Good morning! ^^ Sure! Meet you at the store selling albums at the corner, 12 noon?’ He replied. You smiled while typing a simple ‘okay.’

Maybe things would get better. Maybe he wouldn’t die. Maybe a miracle will happen and he’ll be safe. Maybe surgery could save him. Maybe it was wrongly diagnosed and he was fine. Maybe he was lying. Maybe he… You couldn’t think of anything else. What was the point anyway, when you knew very well that he wasn’t lying. That he really was leaving.. soon.

You were there before 12. Again, Joon was earlier. He naturally put his arm over your shoulder and you put yours around his waist. As you did, you could swear he’d gotten skinnier. His waist felt almost smaller than yours, and you could probably feel his ribs above if you moved your arm higher.

He led you into the album store, looking around at a few new music releases. You looked at his side profile, with his defined jawline and high cheekbones. He really was a lot thinner than before, and his cheeks were more sunken in than ever. Your heart broke at the thought of how much he was suffering even though he appeared to be fine now.

When the both of you left the store, it started to snow again outside. You ran forward, looking at the decorations for Christmas in the middle of the street. ‘Joonie~ Look! It’s so pretty!’ You shouted to Joon who was behind. When you turned around, he was clutching his head. You ran back to him, worried. ‘Joon? Are you..’ You started.

He looked up and forced a smile. ‘I just.. I’m fine. I want a hug.’ He said. You didn’t hesitate as you move your body towards his, hugging him softly afraid that you would break his fragile body. Joon hugged you as tightly as he could, and you could tell from his breathing that he was trying to stop himself from crying.

When he released you, you raised your hand to touch his face. His beautifully sculptured face, defined features, his lips, his collarbones, you were going to miss everything when he was gone. A tear trickled down his face. You gently wiped it off. Joon ran his fingers through your hair, softly mumbling some words. You couldn’t hear it, but you could tell from his lips. ‘I’m Sorry.’

‘Lets go for lunch, okay?’ You broke the comfortable silence after a while. He nodded, giving a small smile. The both of you had pasta at an italian restaurant. Nothing special, but you enjoyed it anyway. Joon clumsily wiped the side of your mouth for you, and you laughed as he slurped the pasta up, making noisy sounds.

‘Where should we go next~’ You said in a sing-song tone as you shook Joon’s hand back and forth, walking on the side pavement. ‘Lets.. go for a photoshoot.’ He said. You were surprised at first, but you agreed anyway. He led you to a shop providing that service. It was rather old fashioned and empty, but you liked the feeling it gave.

You and Joon were ordered to stand in front of the background. It started simple, with no poses and backgrounds. Then backgrounds were changed, Paris, New York, Taipei, all of them were pretty. The both of you made up random poses too, piggy backs, bridal style carrying, aegyo poses, dumb ones, everything.

When the both of you walked out of the shop with the photos, it felt like you’ve already came back from travelling around at least half of the world.

Joon kept a small one of him piggy backing you in front of the Eiffel Tower in his wallet and you did the same thing. Yours was a simple picture of him and you, with him back hugging you.

You walked Joon home after he had another headache. ‘See you tomorrow?’ You said before he left. It sounded like a question.. because you weren’t sure. If you would. See him. Every time might be your last. But he nodded. Firmly. ‘See you tomorrow!’ He said. You smiled, letting him convince you.

You couldn’t sleep that night. You wondered what he was doing. You wanted to text him but you were afraid you might disturb him. You sighed and turned to your other side on the bed for the hundreth time that night.

[Joon’s POV]

All I can do now, is try. Try to act fine, try to be happier, try to spend more time with her, try not to make her cry. How I wish time could just stop when I’m with her. I look at the photos we took. She looked beautiful in every one of them. One of the pictures had the both of us looking into each others eyes. I decided that was my favorite.

Would I be able to spend Christmas with her? Can I get to next year with her? Or will I die in my sleep tonight? I wasn’t afraid of dying, I was afraid of not knowing. When it would happen.

I took a paper and pen out of my drawer, and started writing.