Run. . .

That’s all I could think of doing. I wish I could get rid of the image of what I’d just seen. Their lips touched. . . they held each other so close. . . Jealousy was tugging at me as I kept on running; I had to get away. . . I reach my bedroom, the lights are on, and Jaeseop is nowhere to be seen. . . I feel tears threaten to fall. . .

Suddenly, the image of my room disappears. I blink my eyes several times and find myself in the darkness of my room. Slowly they adjust to the gloom. I’m in my bed.

            It was a dream?

My heart aches; the jealousy from my dream is beginning to fade. The images are now gone, but I still remember how upsetting it was.

“Wh-what was my dream about . . . ? What . . . what happened?” I murmur under my breath.

Across the room I hear Jaeseop shifting in his bed. I sit up in my bed, feeling wide awake from my fading nightmare. I could feel AJ’s gaze on me.

“Hey, are you alright?” he asks sitting up in his bed as well.

I remain silent. I’m not exactly sure what to say. I know I'm upset, but I didn’t know why. The dream . . . all I can remember now is running from someone.

            But who? And why?

“Hoon?” Jaeseop’s voice, edged with concern, sounded from the darkness.

“I don’t know,” I sigh.

“What do you mean ‘I don’t know’?”

“Well,” I began, not sure if I should tell him about my confusing nightmare.

“Well?” Jaeseop pressed.

“I . . . I had a strange dream . . .”

“What about?”

“That’s just it . . . I don’t remember. It upset me, but I can’t actually remember what it was about,” I confessed.

“Weird . . .” Jaeseop murmured.

Silence engulfs the room, the faint light from the digital clock helps me see Jaeseop through the darkness. I let out a heavy sigh.

“C’mon, Hoon, forget about the dream. You need to rest, we have choreography tomorrow and I don’t want you to be tired,” he reminds sternly.

“I know,” I reply.

“Get some sleep,” he adds in a softer tone.

“I’ll try . . .”

I listen as AJ shuffles in his bed. Within moments his breathing slowed and I knew he was asleep. After a few more minutes I decide to take his advice and get some sleep. I lay down, looking up at the ceiling. The memory of my dream was almost all gone now, but the feelings of sadness and loneliness still pricked at my heart. I close my eyes and will sleep to take me.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

            Knock, knock, knock.

I slowly open my eyes at the sound. The room was still dark, the clock read 2:47. It had only been about an hour since I had last woken up, the dream a distant memory,

            Knock, knock, knock.

“Jaeseop hyung?” Came the muffled call.

“AJ, Dongho is calling you,” I mumble sleepily.

            Knock, knock, knock.

AJ merely shifts in his bed.

“Come in, Dongho,” I call to the maknae

I through my pillow at Jaeseop in an attempt to wake the sleeping rapper.

“ . . . Hey . . . quit it . . .” Jaeseop complains.

“Dongho is back,” I say as the maknae came in, closing the door gently behind him.

“Oh . . . Are Eli and Kevin at it again?” AJ asks, his voice muffled by his pillow and blanket.

“Yeah,” Dongho answers. “They’re louder than usual tonight.”

“Those two. When will the learn that others want to sleep?” Jaeseop grumbles as he moves to make room for Dongho. “Come here, get some sleep.”

“Thanks, hyung!”  the maknae mumbles as he sets down his pillow and crawls into the bed next to Jaeseop.

“Oh, Hoon, take this back,” AJ says throwing my pillow back, hitting me square in the face.

“ . . . Thanks, Jaeseop,” I grumble fixing my pillow and laying my head on it.

“You had it coming, Hoon,” AJ mumbles.

As the others drift into sleep I felt an unexpected pang of jealousy.

            Why does he have to sleep next to Jaeseop?

The only time I haven’t slept alone since joining U-Kiss was that time a few months back when water was leaking into Kiseop and Soohyun’s room from the bathroom. The two slept in here with AJ and I, Soohyun with me and Kiseop with Jaeseop. I’ll tell you, sharing a bed with Soohyun wasn’t half-bad, although he is a rather large man and took up a good portion of the bed.

I can still remember that night. A few times I caught Soohyun hugging me. It was comfortable at first, but it wasn’t right for two men to do that. . . was it?

My gaze turned back to Dongho and AJ. I know they aren’t dating, they’re just friends, more like brothers really. Dongho is interested in women, Jaeseop on the other hand . . . he told me not too long ago that he’s interested in Kiseop. Honestly, I was surprised. I really thought that he would be interested in Dongho.

I tear my gaze away from them. I myself have never actually dated. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met many women but none of them have ever captivated me. I’ve never told the other members of U-Kiss about it, not like they need to know, right? Either way, my career is more important.

            If it’s so important then why do you feel so bad about being alone?

It’s natural, I guess. To feel alone and unloved, humans want companionship naturally, but music is more important.

            Isn’t it?

I feel that ache in my heart again. It has grown all too familiar. Since joining U-Kiss this loneliness has seemed to have grown. Especially since I found out about Kevin and Eli. If those two can be together then why can’t I find a girl?

            Because you never like any girls that you meet.

The voice is right. Not once have I met a girl who had won my feelings. I don’t think I have ever liked anyone.

            Is that my fault?

Probably not. I bet there are plenty of people out there who haven’t had a crush on someone.

            I bet . . .

With that thought sleep claims me . . .

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

“Hoon!”

My eyes snap open as weight suddenly presses against my stomach. I blink a few times, clearing my sleep bleary vision and see the U-Kiss maknae looking down at me.

“What is it, Dongho?” I grunt, irritated at being woken.

“Time to get ready to go! Soohyun hyung is making breakfast!” delight lit Dongho’s eyes at the mention of food.

“Alright, alright, I’m going,” I mumble as Dongho lifted his weight off of my stomach.

“You better hurry,” Dongho warns. “If you’re not there when the food’s ready I may just eat your share.”

With that, he leaves the room.

            I don’t recall asking for a wake-up call, Dongho . . .

Muttering under my breath I sit up in my bed. The clock reads 7:16. Jaeseop must have been up early, his bed is neatly made and he’s nowhere to be seen.

Although throughout the night I hadn’t woken again I feel exhaustion dragging at me.

            Maybe a shower will wake me up . . .

Grabbing my towel and a change of clothes I leave my room. I must have decided to exit at a bad time. Just as I step out, Eli runs by, a plush toy in his grasp.

“Come back here!” Came the cry from Kevin as he sprints by in pursuit.

I shake my head, an amused grin on my face.

            It’s too early for this . . .

I head for the bathroom again, this time nothing disturbs me. Entering the bathroom I lock the door behind me. Inside the air was warm and steamy. Someone had just showered I guess. Setting down my clothes and towel I go to turn the water on. I let it run as I begin to undress.

I finish removing my clothes and step into the shower. The steamy water begins to run through my hair and slides across my skin. Letting out a contented sigh I close my eyes, the sound of the running water, gentle and calming, soothes my buzzing mind. Outside of the bathroom I hear Eli and Kevin run by again. Opening my eyes I grab the shampoo, squeezing a generous amount into my hand and I begin to lather it into my hair. As I massage the soap into my hair my mind begins to drift.

            What is it like to shower with someone else?

I suppose it would be a bit awkward no?

            Or would it?

Maybe it wouldn’t be too awkward . . . Having someone else’s wet body pressed to my own . . .their hands running over my bare skin, warm welcoming lips against mine . . .

            Quit thinking about that!

I shake my head to clear the thoughts. A sigh of frustration escapes my lips.

            Why can’t I stop thinking about these things?

All I want is to rid myself of these silly ideas about relationships. Why is it so difficult? I’ve never even liked a girl before so why am I even thinking about this?

            Maybe it’s not the girls you’re thinking about, perhaps you’re like Jaeseop, Eli and Kevin?

I pause from scrubbing my body.

            No. I can’t be into guys! . . . Can I?

I close my eyes again, thinking about those hands touching my skin. . .  Strong hands at my waist, my hands running through short black hair. . . I’m pressing against a well muscled chest. . . My hands began wandering down to strong broad shoulders. . . I hear a voice, low and familiar. . . I look at his face. . .

I shake my head furiously, opening my eyes to reality.

“Soohyun . . .” I breathe.

I was thinking about my leader. I begin to remember that night we shared together. His strong arms holding me in the middle of the night, I was so happy then, but even with that I pushed him away whenever he held me.

Regret pierces my heart. He has always been so kind, his smile so warm and reassuring, he would always try to cheer me up whenever I was upset. Even then, I never acknowledged that there may be something more to the way I look at my kind-spirited leader.

            I . . . I really do like Soohyun, as more than a friend . . .

“No . . . I can’t,” I whisper in despair. “How . . .?”

Now I’m really screwed. There’s no way Soohyun likes men, too, and even less of a chance that he’ll be interested in a guy like me.

            If that’s the case then why did he keep hugging you that night?

Maybe he is interested.

            But that was months ago! He could be over me by now if he was even interesting to begin with . . .

That’s true. What if he is? I let my worries leave me and I begin to think about my leader . . . his strong bare body beneath me as I hold him down against the bed, the look of lust in his brown gaze, our lips meeting in a passionate kiss . . .

            No!

I shake my head again, erasing the images from my mind.

“ . . . S-Soohyun . . .”

My feelings were beginning to make sense now. My jealousy towards others like Kevin and Eli, my nervousness around Soohyun, and my mixed emotions that night months ago and every night since then. . .

            Why hadn’t I seen it sooner?

            Knock, knock, knock.

The sound of someone banging on the door snaps me from my thoughts.

“Bunny? Are you almost done? The food is ready,” I hear Soohyun’s voice through the door and over the sound of the running water.

“Yeah, I’m almost done. I’ll be out in a bit,” I reply.

“Alright, be quick or else Eli and Dongho will eat your share!”

I quickly finish washing and shut off the water. I step out and quickly dry myself and get dressed. I slip on my boxers, dark blue jeans, and a light blue t-shirt.

Today I’m scheduled for choreography with Kevin, Eli, Kiseop and Jaeseop. Dongho and Soohyun had vocal training. Our manager had said yesterday that if we got enough work done today that he’d let us have the weekend off.

It’s settled, I will get that weekend off, for Soohyun.