My cheeks were wet with tears of pain when I finally arose myself and struggled with standing. I gripped the washbasin tight when I finally managed to stand right before it and looked into the mirror.

Who was that person in front of me, that guy that was so fat and ugly and untalented, always compared to his way more gifted brother that stole not just his face.

It was not just the physical pain that made me cry while throwing up – and it sure was painful to do so.

The whole damn world I stuck in made me sad and desperate and angry. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own. Why was I so worthless? Why couldn’t I be better?

Why couldn’t I be more like Kwangmin?

I always had to work hard for everything I gathered, yet my brother just blinked with an eye and it popped up right in front of him.

I had no idea how I was supposed to drag myself through the day. Today we had vocal lessons and later on dance practice.

How could that imperfect guy in the mirror have dance lessons? How could such an unattractive, stamping person even dance? It must look like an elephant walking on a single cotton tighten up somewhere in the air. It must look cross and ugly.

I sobbed, inaudible. I had so much practice crying silent without anyone knowing.

"Oh not again... Hurry up, Youngmin! I need to pee!", Kwangmins called from the other side of the locked bathroom door that kept me save from him seeing me in my currently pathetic state.

"We're about to leave for practice in about twenty minutes!", Donghyun stated, knocking at the door, trying to help Kwangmin.

I nodded to myself, to that disgusting guy in the mirror, wiping away my tears. I needed to be perfect and crying wasn't perfection. Yet I could do nothing against it.

I quickly undressed myself in front of the mirror, still feeling unsteady, now studying my incomplete body. The view was repulsive.

I once felt like looking into a mirror when actually looking at Kwangmin, but now he wasn't my reflection any more. While he gathered perfection I became disgusting.

Looking now at my body I tried to remember Kwangmins perfect way of being. Not just his body was nothing but beautiful and completed but also his personality was. That was what people really loved him for, what I loved him for so much.

Looking at myself like that, looking into those eyes which could have stuck in Kwangmins face as well, I instantly felt like throwing up again. I finally needed to stop eating. I needed to lie and find excuses the other members would believe in, but I didn't care, all that mattered was me stopping eating. Was me becoming perfect.

I jumped under the cold shower, holding my breath when the icy water ran down my body, gathering where something had sliced my skin on my wrists and left deep cuts now filled with crystal-clear water.

It only took me a few minutes to get showered. It felt like drowning in my thoughts. That's way I hated showering.

I took my yellow towel to dry my body rashly before getting dressed. Then I slowly walked out the bathroom, finding Kwangmin right in front of the door, looking like he really needed a toilet - fast.

The second I exited the room he stormed in and the door fell shut with a loud slam. I heard him on the other side.

"Ahhh... thank god, that was incredibly close....."

I couldn't help but smile a little bit. He was as cute and adorable as always.

I headed to the room I shared with Kwangmin and Jeongmin to get my staff ready to leave.

.....

In the end we ran late because of me as we always did and in the van on the way to the studio our manager stared at us angrily whenever traffic made it possible.

The other members didn't say anything, no one said it was my fault yet I knew it was mine. They would be better off without me.

I couldn't help but feel guilty when we finally arrived at the studio and apologized for our delay.

We trained our new song Janus and to say that I liked it would be an understatement. I really loved the idea behind the song, not just the lyrics I partly somehow felt connected with but also the meaning of the title. Janus, the two-headed god of the beginnings and endings. I liked the thought. Everything that once started has to end someday. I hoped and wished for the day my useless being would end because I wasn't brave enough to make myself stop.

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I feel guilty for the short update, but this was just a good point to end this chapter. I’ll try to update regularly though.

Hope you enjoyed reading it.