Guess I made a lot of mistakes, I wrote some part during lessons and on my mobile phone. Sorry for that, but I wasn’t home the whole last week…

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During break between vocal training and dance practice we all sat on the floor in the practice room and the other members enjoyed their meals.

Our manager brought us some sandwiches and a few bottles of water.

The other members ate with big smiles on their faces. I kept my promise.

Never to be greedy again.

The others talked about music and the mv we were supposed to cast tomorrow. They talked about every dance move in detail and they didn't even notice when I slowly left the room.

I headed to the toilets, my hand clenched onto a thin razor blade, though it dug itself deep into my flesh and big drops of dark blood fell to the ground by the time I reached the toilets.

I didn't care. The blood was all my sins and if they left my body, I would only feel relived.

I walked in the first stall and locked the door behind me. I opened my fist and watched the blood seeking out the cut and coloring the silver razor blade red.

When had it started? When had I done the first cut?

I remembered the first time I felt like everything was just too much to bear. I wanted to hurt myself so much, not just to make it easier but also to punish myself. I had felt the urge to be punished for my incomplete way of being.

I remembered the first time I had held that key in my hands, had looked at it, had brought it to my wrist, hurting myself with it, tough it hasn't even been sharp.

I remembered the first time I actually had had a knife in my hand - a small pocketknife - trembling with fear and tears in my eyes. I've been to afraid to use it, but the urge to punish myself harder had came again and again. And one day I haven't been afraid any more.

I just had slighted my wrist and blood had poured out and had sprinkled my clothes. Since that moment I've been doing it again and again and I couldn't bring myself to stop.

Yet again I brought the blade to my wrist and made a deep cut. As time has passed by each time the physical pain had become less and the cuts deeper.

It looked so nice, my wrist covered with red cuts. It looked so beautiful. Almost perfect.

The deeper the cuts where, the more it hurt, the more I felt satisfied.

And although I found those cuts so beautiful, although I would like to show them to everyone, I wasn't allowed to do so. If they knew, they would made me stop. The would take away my little monsters from me.

That is what the key, the pocketknife and now the razor blade where. My little monsters, biting me whenever I wanted them to.

But the fear of them taking away my little, loyal monsters wasn't the only reason for not telling anyone.

I was afraid of the members finding out about my secret - though sometimes I was thinking about showing it to them accidently - I was really scared by the thought of what they might would think of me. If I showed them so clearly how imperfect and disgusting I was, they would have no other choice but to see it. And I didn't want them to see, although I wondered how they could have not noticed up until now and still accepted me in Boyfriend.

But I worst possibility was Kwangmin finding me even more hideous and disgusting after finding out. That was why I swore myself to never let him see. I would rather die silent, choked by him, by my face with the perfectness, than letting him know, than letting him see, see the darkness inside me, that ugly darkness that made me abhorrent too.

Yet again, when I made use of one of my little monsters once again, I swore myself to rather die and making one more cut and than one more made that promise easier to bear for me.

I enjoyed the warmth of my blood that sought out the three, deep cuts and that moment I wondered if sins where also that warm and if they where, why felt I so cold than?

I stared at that beautiful red welts and was lost in my own thoughts. It took me long than to realize that someone knocked at the door of the stall I was in, still the razor blade in my hands.

"Youngmin? Are you in there? Bbalri, we're starting with dance practice!" It was Jeongmin’s voice that asked me to put my little monster away and cover my wrist with the sleeve of my oversized thin pullover.

I literally jumped when I realized it was his voice. I've been so lost in thoughts and I didn't expect the members noticing my vanish that fast.

"Mh, hyung! I'm coming! Just one more second!", I shouted, hurriedly getting ready to show myself out there.

"Whatever. Just hurry, we're all waiting only for you again." With that Jeongmin left the toilets. Those last words, did he have to say them? Those little words made me feel sick again. Because he where right.

I instantly wanted to throw up, it might would make that sick feeling in my stomach vanish.

Although I tried not to, although I knew I had no time to do so, I still did.

I knelt in front of the toilet the second time that day though this time I hadn't even eaten anything.

Tears of pain streamed down my cheeks when I finally was done. There where red stains of blood in the basin, but they were quite small and I didn't care for them.

I rushed back to our practice room, yet again way too late.

When I entered the room, all the other members where already dancing. They hadn't even bothered to wait for me. I wanted to turn around and storm back in the stall to my little monster right away.

But it was also reproducible that they didn't wait, wasn't it? Why would they have time to wait for me? After all it was just me, the imperfect, even disgusting me. Who would wait for that, who would even want to?

When they noticed me coming back, they stopped dancing and looked at me.

"Still alive? Not drown in the toilet?", Minwoo asked smiling.

I gave him a small smile. It felt so fake, I thought my jawbone would break every second.

There was nothing to smile about, all I felt was emptiness, my body kind of numb, without any reasons to move any further, so tiered. I was just so tiered. And I wanted to tell them, I really wanted to and yet was to afraid to show them my true face, the face that looked different, that wasn't Youngmin’s nor Kwangmin’s, a face that belonged just to me. And it was so ugly and terrifying no one would have liked to see it.

“Okay, let’s start now”, Donghyun said.

As if Boyfriend hadn’t have already started. Boyfriend had already started. Boyfriend had already danced when I entered the room. It was just me, who hadn’t started yet. Me. And Boyfriend didn’t need me. I was just there so that Starship Entertainment could make Kwangmin and me the face of the group, so that Boyfriend would have something special, something extraordinary. I was just there to have a pretty face and it had to be the same face as Kwangmin’s.

“I’m ready!” The cheerful sound of my own voice made me mentally sick, it felt like constantly lying to myself and it slowly but surely drove me insane.

I wanted to vanish, to become mist, seen by everyone and yet seen by no one, hid in the air, observing the world without being really there. I wanted to become a casual bystander, without a body, so that I’d be unable to experience anything, without feelings, so that I’d be unable to be hurt anymore. I wanted to just remain and watch, watch peoples live slowly breaking them…