^{I’m sorry, I know, once again I’m late. It’s just so much stuff’s going on, me getting sick, then I hurt my foot during fencing and today there has been a bomb threat at school -.-}

^{Hundred strained teachers and like thousand panic pupils… Whoa, that’s a mess, believe me…}

^{So anyway, here we go, new chapter.}

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Sometimes I feel happy, sometimes I feel sad.

Sometimes I feel sorry, sometimes I feel mad.

But most of the time I feel nothing at all.

"Come on you have to be kidding me." Jeongmin hyung...

"He's sleeping like a stone." Donghyun hyung...?

"Are you sure he's still alive? Just kidding Kwangmin, just kidding! Don't glare at me like that. It's sca~ry~!" Minwoo...

"Now stop quarreling and let's wake him up." Donghyun hyung again...

Thought I slowly woke up, I refused to open my eyes. I didn't want to. I felt tired and I just wanted them to go away, even Kwangmin. Wasn't he on a walk anyway? So why would Minwoo talking to someone who wasn't there. Wait, Minwoo wasn't supposed to be here to start with, he had been with Kwangmin...

"I'll wake him, hyung." Kwangmin. So he actually was here... I was too tired to think of why. I wanted them to shut up.

A warm hand was laid on my shoulder. I ignored it.

"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty." Thought I couldn't see him, I felt him moving closer, his hand on my shoulder, rubbing tiny, encouraging circles.

In the background Hyunseong laughed. "Sleeping Beauty? Is he referring to himself (since both of them look similar)?"

Yeah right, because there was nothing beautiful on me. I really didn't want to wake up, now less than ever.

"If you don't wake up we will start without you."

"Maybe the Sleeping Beauty needs a kiss from his prince?", Hyunseong suggested form the background again.

Kwangmin backed away from me a little bit and the hand on my shoulder was gone.

"Oh come on, leave, I'll wake him, you're only troubling anyway. Who would like to wake up to this?" Kwangmin sounded less annoyed than rather amused.

"Ya, dongsaeng, don't you know respect?", Jeongmin asked jokingly.

"Ne!"

"Tsss, that brat...", even Donghyun smiled, I could hear it clearly.

"W-wait, when you said kiss from his prince, you didn't actually mean Kwangmin, didn't you?" Minwoo sounded shocked.

"U~ps hyung, just now you destroyed maknae’s world... How will he deal with this completely new way of thinking?"

"Guys now really, let's Kwangmin take care of waking Youngmin", Donghyn finally decided and since he still was the leader, the others obeyed like little puppies.

Their footsteps got faint and after the bedroom door had been closed, I felt Kwangmin moving closer once again.

Just when I started wondering what he was intending to do he let himself fall on top of me and hugged me giggling.

I was surprised like hell and broke my eyes open at instant, just to look in his dark orbs. His face was so close to mine, I could have stretched a little bit, just enough to kiss him... but rather than that I grew stiff.

"Got ya!" Kwangmin smiled at me. "I thought you'd already be awake, playing all dump and the Sleeping Beauty", he admitted still smiling. "Now get up, hurry!"

"How?", I asked slowly.

"What 'you mean how?" He looked puzzled. "You first move your legs and than your body. Once you stand you take one step after another? Still some question?"

"You're heavy?" I suggested and Kwangmin started laughing a bit.

"Oh yeah, sorry" But he didn't look sorry, nor did he move. Moreover he hugged me even tighter.

"Man... You got so thin... It's almost like I can feel your bones through your clothes..."

I didn't answer. I didn't even know what to answer. Was he joking? Or was he referring to me gaining weight lately? Did I become even bigger? I felt nauseous at instant.

I tried getting out of Kwangmin's embrace and after I started moving quite violently he'd giggly let go of me. I finally arose, just now noticing that I fell asleep only half dressed a few hours ago. But luckily I wore a light gray hoodie, its long sleeves covering my arms. Other than that hoodie I wore... well, nothing but my underwear. I didn't like Kwangmin seeing me all , seeing how fat and disgusting I was, so I hurried putting on some sweatpants.

But Kwangmin luckily hadn't bothered looking anyway.

He still laid in my bed, yawning while stretching his tired body.

"Ma~n, nights are definitely too short for idols...", Kwangmin complained still yawning.

" 'You coming?"

“Ne, just five minutes”, Kwangmin answered, sounding like he would fall asleep every second.

“You woke me up!”

“Don’t you know compassion?! How heartless you are”, he complained, but nevertheless he got up reluctantly.

“What were you guys waking me up for anyway?” It couldn’t be dance practice nor vocal lesson, I had memorized all the schedules. In fact, starting today, we were finally have some days off work; six days we were free to spend the way we wanted to, before making a comeback after Janus.

And the other members wouldn’t have some funny ideas about celebrating their success with Janus or the upcoming five days of holidays, wouldn’t they? I felt uneasy just thinking of the possibility.

“Celebration, cooking and council of war”, Kwangmin united all my fears in one.

I thought of excuses why not to take part in their CCC, but I couldn’t come up with one that fast, and found myself being dragged along Kwangmin in the kitchen.

Minwoo was standing at the sink, fighting with a can of kimchi, Hyunseong was threatening the rice cooker, since it just wouldn't work and Jeongmin was cutting some onions supervised and helped by Donghyun, when Kwangmin and I entered the kitchen.

My stomach flipped over. I really didn't want to be forced to eat. Because I knew what I'd have to do afterwards and I knew how painful it would be.

"Yo, twins, finally here?", Jeongmin joked once he spotted us, Kwangmin dragging me towards them, while I tried to back out somehow.

"Took you long enough!", Minwoo fizzed, teeth gritted, almost inaudible cursing the can. Hyunseong his heels and slightly smacked the back of Minwoo's head.

"That's no way to talk to your hyungs. Donghyun hyung, I think we have to nurture our maknae stricter, little puppy's starting to bite its owners feeding hands."

Everyone chuckled except Minwoo and me.

"Hyunseong hyung's right. Evil maknae are a real problem lately What are we cooking by the way?" Kwangmin looked from the can of kimchi to the rice cooker and then to the onions.

"The very famous dish Everything-we-have-left-since-most-of-the-food-in-our-dorm-has-passed-its-best-before-date-half-a-year-ago." Donghyun smiled apologetic, while Hyunseong turned back to his rice cooker.

"And you two can search the freezer for any survivors."

Once again I was dragged along Kwangmin, this time to the freezer. Kwangmin almost crawled in it, passing all its contents to me.

First thing he gave me were some frozen fruits. They still looked alright and I passed them on to Donghyun hyung.

"Still eatable", I commented.

Donghyun placed it right beside the sink.

In the meantime Kwangmin found some rice cake, but its color looked very ... unique for rice cake. When he gave it to me, I tossed it in the trash right away.

How can food get bad, if it is stored -18 degree? I wondered.

"Hyu~~ng!", Minwoo whined after same time, the moment I opened the red pepper paste and its awful smell hit me. Guess it’s even older than me...

Donghyun and Hyunseong looked at Minwoo, while Jeongmin joined us looking for still eatable food, though he searched the cupboards.

"This just won't work!", their maknae complained and pointed at the kimchi can.

"And it took you so long to realize that?", Hyunseong laughed. It was kind of his hobby to joke about Minwoo. He did it all the time once the cameras were turned off and only the members and I would see it.

"I tried hard!", Minwoo still pouted, but everyone in the room knew he was just pretending. Boyfriend's maknae was always cheerful, always happy, bringing laughers to the others faces. Boyfriend's maknae was important and precious to them...

Hyunseong smiled and joined Minwoo and tried to open the kimchi can. He soon admitted as well: it was impossible to open it.

Jeongmin’s shriek let all of us jump in surprise. With a very disgusted look on his face, hyung pulled a plastic back with some greenish-black contents out of one of the cupboards, passing it on to Donghyun, who identified it as once there placed and then forgotten carrots.

We ended up with some easy side dishes and fruit salad.

Minwoo and Jeongmin were cooking and Kwangmin and I were leaning at the counter, together with Donghyun hyung and Hyunseong hyung, when Donghyun suddenly spoke up.

"Guys, I've a surprise for you." He smiled, half proudly, half happily.

"A new dorm?", Minwoo asked hopeful, and the member chuckled about the cuteness he asked with.

"Actually you're not that wrong... How about spending our holidays in the countryside? I've asked that friend of mine and he's willing to leave his summerhouse to us for the upcoming five days", hyung announced smiling brightly.

We all looked at him like he just told us he'd leave to live on the moon.

It took the message a few heartbeats to sink in. Then the realization hit us. Them the thought of how much fun they'd have and me the awareness of being that close to them, without some tasks. Talking to them, enjoy myself with them - how do you even do it, enjoy yourself? I can't remember the last time I had fun.

There was a difference between living with them in the dorm - every day packed with a thigh schedule, all of us are too tired to talk, too tired to even care for each other - and living together somewhere where we are not woken up at 4am, forced to start the day with taking some vocal training or other classes, then sent off to all kind of TV-shows or concerts, just to be dragged to dance practice and forced to dance till after midnight afterwards. ing hell, there wasn't just a difference, there was a whole damn universe between living with someone and living with someone.

And I just realized that now. All my little secrets, my little monsters, all of them were in danger to be discovered, the thin blanket of nescience in danger of being lifted...

nescience

^{Absence of knowledge or awareness}