I wanted to give you guys something, although it's just a very short update. Still I hope you enjoy it :)

BTW, I have good reasons for choosing Youngmin to be the suffering character. There're several things just fitting perfect in the storyline, one of them for example:

According to Min Woo, Young Min once went missing during practice time. They searched for him for almost an hour. Eventually, they found him asleep on the toilet seat due to over crying.

Poor Youngmin TT.TT

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He was there by my side ever since I’m able to remember. When we were young I felt like actually looking into my own eyes when I looked into his. I often wondered: ‘So that’s how I look like when I smile.’ or ‘This expression looks pretty good on my face.’

Back that days it was like walking through the world with a mirror right before me. Every action that’s made, right at the moment it is made, I would look at it and wonder why it looks so completely different if it is faked in front of the bathroom mirror.

Most people wouldn’t recognize their own eyes under fifty photos of different eyes. You don’t look at yourself all day long, because you actually can’t see your own face. It really is a pity that your eyes stuck in it.

But it was different with me. I had Kwangmin walking all my life right beside me and back than looking at him, I saw myself. We almost always had the same haircut and often wore the same clothes. People couldn’t tell the difference if they just looked at outwardness. They couldn’t even really tell from our behavior.

So when did we start changing?

When did we start being different?

When did I start feeling provoked and irritated by the cheerful way of being he slowly acquired?

When did I start feeling pressured by the way people would feel happy just by looking at him?

When did I start looking at him as the better me, the me that would live while it choked me?

I slowly took a mouthful of rice. It tasted awful, although it had no actual taste. If chewing it wouldn’t have been so hard and exhausting, I guess I would have already fallen asleep. Maybe I was even able to sleep while standing. Lately I just got really tired whenever I got bored and didn’t know what to do.

It also felt harder to focus or stay concentrated.

Suddenly Kwangmin got up from the table, taking his plate with him and bringing it to the sink before coming back.

Right now we were all having breakfast. He stared eating after me. Yet he finished before I did.

I started feeling really sick. The spoon of rice I was about to eat suddenly looked evil in a way. As if he would hurt me if I brought him to my mouth. It took me ages to do so and swallow the rice without chewing. Otherwise my breakfast would have made its way up to daylight once again in a little more disgusting texture.

“Ah hyung, bbalri bbalri!”, Minwoo cheered for me to hurry up.

“Again you’re the last one. We always have to wait for you”, even Jeongmin complained.

All of them had already finished their breakfast.

“We’re going to be late for vocal training. Go get ready, I’ll stay and company him.” Donghyun looked at the other four members and they slightly nodded before going to their rooms and getting ready.

They always had to wait for me, no matter if I wouldn’t wake up in the morning or used the bathroom for what felt like ages to them. I always needed dance choreographies shown twice to me and I tended to forget lyrics. And they would always complain about it.

I was so sure I couldn’t even take one more bite without throwing up. I needed to go to the bathroom, needed to get rid of all the calories I’ve just consumed.

Since all the other members had finished long before me, didn’t that mean I ate much more than they did? I felt guilty for not even noticing how much I actually ate. I felt guilty for eating at all.

“It’s alright, hyung”, I told Donghyun. “I’m done anyway, I feel like bursting…” It wasn’t exactly the right word. I felt more like being poisoned by my own greed and I felt like it was needed to teach myself a lesson:

Never to be greedy again.

Donghyun hyung nodded and got up, exiting the kitchen, heading to the room he was sharing with Minwoo and Hyunseong.

Once I heard the door shut I jumped off my chair and ran to the bathroom, locking the door behind me and turning on the shower. Afterwards I fell to my knees right in front of the toilet, using my index finger to make myself throwing up.

It had become kind of a sick game. A game I was playing with no one particularly, yet I knew I could only loose. But I couldn’t bring myself to stop.

I wouldn’t know how to survive even a day without any of this, without throwing up after being forced to eat so that the other members wouldn’t be alerted.

Without doing even worse things I could never show anyone.

Without Kwangmin.

I often asked myself what was first: My love for him or me getting jealous?

Being jealous wasn’t that worse, I would have been able to cope with it and burry it deep down inside me. I was incredibly good at burry things inside me in depth no one would ever dare to look in.

The thing that was slowly breaking me was: I could see it! They not just saw something in Kwangmin that wasn’t there, even I could see it. So how was I supposed to deny it?

No matter what I did, he always would have wanted to do exactly the same thing. And he always did it better. He wasn’t just my shadow, imitating me, he actually always surpassed me. And suddenly I always was the shadow, left alone in the dark, when the spotlights moved with Kwangmin. The darkness has many shadows. And you can’t see even one of them.