“I’ll be there for you. You have me. You’ll always have me.”

_______

“You’ll always have me.”

“I know.”

“Just to make sure.”

Jongin chuckled weakly as he brings his finger to Kyungsoo’s cheek, caressing it gently. How Jongin loves this kind of moment, laying on a comfy bed with Kyungsoo next to him, in the darkness of night where there’s only moonlight that came through the window, shining right on the edge of the bed. Jongin had made a little promise inside his heart, that if he survived, if he lived, he’ll do everything to keep this moment exist until he and Kyungsoo grew old and die together. But if in the end it’s his time to go, he’ll choose this moment as the memory he cherished the most.

“Have I ever thanked you before, Kyungie?” Jongin whispered.

Kyungsoo blinked lazily. “For what?” he mumbled.

“For staying next to me all the time.”

For that, Kyungsoo could only smile bitterly. “You don’t need to.”

“For cooking me kimchi spaghetti all the time I wanted?”

“You said thankyou everytime you’ve finished the bowl.”

“For letting me live inside this spacious apartment?”

“You said that when you came here first.”

Jongin chuckled as he stared into Kyungsoo’s eyes. “For loving me?”

In a split of second, Kyungsoo’s cheeks turned to fresh reddish pink. He buried his face on the pillow. “Geez, Jongin, you know I’m weak of corny things.”

“Glad to know I could still make you blush.” Jongin grinned, turning his gaze at the ceiling.

After a few minutes, Kyungsoo peeked from the pillow when he didn’t hear anything else from Jongin. His eyes are closed. His chest moved slowly but frequently.

“Fall asleep already?” Kyungsoo chuckled as he brushed the tip of Jongin’s lips with his finger. “Goodnight, Jongin-ah.”

Then he closed his eyes too, wishing that he could get some peaceful sleep and then wake up in a nice morning. Maybe with some drizzles, because he loved the scent of wet soil that rushes to him when he opened the door to the balcony. And also, drizzles remind him of Jongin so much.

_______

There was a certain morning when Kyungsoo woke up and find Jongin is standing outside his balcony. He was shocked at first, but then he remembered that he let Jongin stay for the night. He rubbed his eyes lazily and stood up, walking towards the balcony.

It was raining a few minutes before. When he got there, it was only the drizzles that left. The scent of wet soil from the apartment’s park down there rises up. Maybe it’s because his apartment is still on the third floor that the scent could reach him. And somehow he loved it.

“Good morning, Kyungie.” Kyungsoo’s heart was thumping so fast. Having Jongin on his balcony and greets him in the morning when he just woke up was like a dream to him.

“G-good morning,” Kyungsoo replied, “how was your sleep?”

Jongin smirked as he tapped his finger on his chin. “Well, your bed is really comfy. But I thought I could sleep well because you were – “

“No corny things in this kind of morning please.”

“ – cuddling  to me like a kiddo, and I kinda addicted to it, because you’re so warm, and you smell good, therefore – “

“Jongin, please!”

“ – I’d say I had a really good sleep.”

Kyungsoo’s cheeks were totally blushed. “Aish, you know I’m weak of corny things.”

“Yeah I know.” Jongin chuckled as he threw an arm on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, pulling the petite figure next to him. He stared at the sky above them. “You know what will happen when the sun shines through the drizzle?”

Kyungsoo glanced at Jongin. “They’ll make a rainbow?”

Jongin smiled. “Exactly,” he said as he straightens out his free arm, pointing at the sky, “they’ll make a rainbow.”

Kyungsoo followed the direction Jongin was pointing at, and he gasped quietly. Just a few seconds before the sky was still grayish and cloudy, but that time when he turned around, there was already a rainbow. At first it was like an illusion, but then it became clearer.

“I consider myself as the drizzle, cold and barely noticed.” Jongin said as he took a deep stare into Kyungsoo’s eyes. “Then you came, just like how the sun shines. Even with someone like me, when you came, we made a lot of beautiful memories, just like how beautiful the rainbow is.”

“J-jongin, w-why are you being so poetic this morning??” Kyungsoo was all blushed, his heart was thumping so fast.

Jongin laughed so gently, and then he stares at the sky again. It was a few minutes of comfortable silence, but Kyungsoo was so sure that he heard Jongin mumbled something. When he asked him about that, Jongin brushed the questions off, saying that they should enjoy the peace of the morning.

But Kyungsoo was so sure that he heard something.

“You are my sunshine, Kyungsoo.”

_______

“Jongin? What are you thinking right now?”

Kyungsoo looked at Jongin, who’s staring beyond the window, at the gloomy sky. It’s raining outside, making Kyungsoo shivers even in his hoodie. The hospital room is not quiet warm for him. Ever since Jongin is hospitalized, which is one week ago, around three days after the last time he returned home, Kyungsoo never liked the hospital room. He wanted to take Jongin home, to take care of him in a comfortable environment, where he knew Jongin will be warm at.

Jongin shook his head slightly, yet it took so much effort. He could barely talk and move now. He can’t tease Kyungsoo anymore. He can’t easily cuddle to Kyungsoo anymore. He could just stay like that, with Kyungsoo pretending he’s alright with that. Jongin knew better. Kyungsoo is strong, but also weak at the same time. He know Kyungsoo is crying inside, but he just hate to show it in front of anyone.

“The rain hasn’t stopped yet. So cold.” Kyungsoo said as he rubbed his hands together and pressed it on both his cheeks. “Geez, I should’ve bought some coffee.”

Jongin smiled weakly to him.

“Aren’t you cold, Jongin-ah?”

“W-well.. I – “

Kyungsoo immediately jumped onto the hospital bed, right next to Jongin. He wrapped his free arm around the latter after he pulled the blanket and fixed it for him. “Warm enough right now?”

So much different than before, Jongin nodded easily, as if Kyungsoo’s warmth gave his strength. He buried his face on Kyungsoo’s head, gracing over the fresh scent of Kyungsoo’s hair, and even Kyungsoo’s perfume. All that’s Do Kyungsoo.

“Ah, right, I promised to Jongdae to have a lunch with him today. Is that okay with you?” Kyungsoo said. “I was thinking that I’m going to say no, but you know, your hyung is kinda lonely, so I didn’t have a heart to reject him.”

“Go.. it’s fine.” Jongin said quietly. “But hey.. Kyung,” he inhaled deeply, “would you.. do me a favor?”

“Hm?”

“Please.. tell him,” Jongin coughed, “tell him I’m.. sorry and he was.. uhm.. is.. a really really good brother.. for me.. will you?”

Somehow the words makes Kyungsoo’s heart twitched. “O-okay.”

“Thanks.. Kyung..” Jongin smiled. “But hey.. you know..”

Kyungsoo chuckled. “What else, Jongin-ah?”

“Nothing..” Jongin said as he tried to pull Kyungsoo more into his embrace. “Just.. you.. you’ll be fine.. right? You know.. when I’m – “

“Bad words bring bad lucks.”

“ – gone.. you’ll be.. fine, right?”

“Dunno. Not interested in thinking about it.”

Jongin chuckled, which took a lot of his energy. He inhaled more, taking Kyungsoo’s scent as if he did it to memorize him.

Then Jongin peeked to see the sky outside. It’s already drizzling. The clouds are opened slowly, revealing the sun. Then it shines, and in a few minutes, he could clearly see a rainbow, right in the middle of the sky. Jongin smiled. He loved the rainbow, but he already has his own rainbow, which is his moments with Kyungsoo, and now is one of it.

“Kyung..soo..”

“Hm?”

“Right now..” Jongin paused, taking a proper breath before he continued, “now.. is.. our rainbow, right?”

“Being poetic again, Jongin-ah?” Kyungsoo chuckled. But weirdly his eyes start to get teary.

He could hear the guy next to him is inhaling heavily. “You are.. my sunshine, Kyungsoo.” Jongin mumbled.

“I know.” Kyungsoo said, burying his face more on Jongin’s chest. “And you are my drizzle.”

It’s a dead silence again before Jongin breathed. “I love.. you..”

“I know.”

How Kyungsoo regretted that he took the incorrect last words to say to Jongin around three minutes later.

_______

There was once a moment where Kyungsoo know he should’ve cherished more because he should’ve know he’d remember it in the end and regretted it because he didn’t take it more seriously.

“I love you.”

“I know.”

“Seriously. I love you.”

“Yeah I know.”

“Why aren’t you replying it?”

Kyungsoo closed the recipe book in such a classy way before he stared to Jongin, who was rocking back and forth on the chair, hands were gripping on the dining table. “What’s with being all flirty today?? That’s creepy, you know.”

“But I love you.” Jongin pouted.

“And I said that I know. Now what do you want?”

“Reply it.”

“I’m sure I already said – “

“Reply it properly.”

“But how??”

“Say that you love me too.”

“Is that even necessary??”

“Of course it’s necessary!” Jongin claimed, “what if I really have to leave before you could say those words to me?? Come on Kyungie don’t – “

“Bad words bring bad lucks!!”

“ – be such a shy and say it out loud as loud as I am!”

Kyungso gripped on the recipe book, he was biting his lips so hard. He’s too shy to say that. Or maybe he doesn’t want to say it so easily because it’s something he cherished so much.

“Kyungsoo, hey,” Jongin called.

Kyungsoo turned his gaze to him.

Jongin stared at Kyungsoo so intensely. “I love you.”

It was not the flirty Jongin. He could saw it in the eye. It was the serious Jongin who was talking back then. Kyungsoo blinked twice. He his lips nervously. But then it hits him. He loves Jongin, he should be able to express that. It’s not something difficult.

Then Kyungsoo smiled so innocently. “I love you too.”

_______

“I love you too.”

Kyungsoo stared at a photo frame, contains a picture of him and Jongin. It’s the only picture they had, with a copy of it in Jongin’s apartment. Kyungsoo was never a camera person, and Jongin wasn’t either. But somehow they succeed to have the picture. Kyungsoo’s head rested at the crook of Jongin’s neck, smiling softly to the camera while Jongin glanced at him, in such a dearly way.

He turned his gaze on the coffee table in front of him. He wandered his gaze over his living room. He’s all by himself now. Jongin has gone, just a few hours ago. There’s no Jongin anymore. No one to cook kimchi spaghetti for. No one to cuddle with. No one to hold. No one to be the reason of him being strong. No one. And it makes him felt so hopeless.

What should I do now? he thought as he closed his eyes.

And it hits him that he should call Luhan.

He dialed the number. He waited patiently. Then at the fourth ring, he’s greeted by Luhan’s furious tone.

“Do Kyungsoo, what a nice of you, calling me after three whole month of rejecting my calls?!?!”

Then as if it’s a cue, he started to sob. His tears are falling. He needed someone to understand his pain. He needed someone to accompany him. He felt so much lonely now.

Luhan’s voice softened. “Kyungsoo? Are you crying?”

“Are you in your apartment right now?” Kyungsoo decided to suppress his cry.

“Well, yes, but what happened? Did something happen?” Luhan asked in worry.

Just when Kyungsoo was going to tell him everything, suddenly he heard Luhan talked, but not to him, as if he’s talking to someone else. “Yes, it’s your soulmate, Do Kyungsoo.”

“What?” Kyungsoo unknowingly asked.

He heard Luhan coughed. “They’re here and I don’t even know why they’re telling me not to mention their name to you. Seriously, I’m totally sick of these isolation things.”

“What are you talking about?” Kyungsoo asked in confusement. But then he decided tu brush it off. “Nevermind. I’m calling you because I really need to apologize to you because I rejected your calls and didn’t tell you about what happened. But Jongin…”

Now he had to deal with the reality.

“What’s with him?”

“He’s gone, Luhan.. Jongin has gone.”

Jongin has obviously gone.

Then suddenly he heard Luhan snapped. “What the hell are you trying to play with me?! Seriously, what I’ve done so bad that three of you played a game like this?!”

Then Kyungsoo winced. A game?? “W-what?? What are you talking about?!”

“You, Jongin, and Sehun. You guys are driving me crazy!!”

“Sehun?!?!” Kyungsoo gasped when he mentioned the last name. Sehun, as in Oh Sehun, the guy who’s still in the hospital right now.

“Yes, Sehun!! First he came up and said that he’s pulling himself away from you and Jongin.”

Kyungsoo is thinking how a person in comatose state could leave his bed and go to someone.

“And then Jongin disappeared for three months and you didn’t even bother to answer my call. Now Jongin and Sehun shown up in front of me – “

Kyungsoo’s eyes got wider. What is happening with his friend?

“ – and keep yelling at each other. Seriously, I’m gonna – “

“Luhan, please don’t fool around with me.” Kyungsoo said. He’s tired. He doesn’t even know why Luhan is being like this, but he doesn’t care anymore. He’s tired, physically and mentally.

“I’m not freaking fooling around with you!!”

Then Kyungsoo’s emotions are bursting out. He couldn’t take it anymore. “But Luhan, Jongin has died this morning, Sehun is still in coma, how could they meet you and talk to you?!”

There’s a long silence between them, only filled with Kyungsoo’s sobs.

“W-what?” Luhan’s voice sounds dry. “Kyungsoo, p-please don’t joke right now, I – “

“I’m not joking, Luhan! Jongin has gone! He has gone! What to do now?! He has gone!” Kyungsoo cried, “I have no one now, Luhan, he’s all I’ve got but he left me alone, now I don’t know what to do anymore!!”

“B-but it can’t be, Kyungsoo, it can’t be, Jongin and Sehun, they’re standing in front of me now, how could – “

“How could Sehun stand in front of you, Luhan?! He’s in coma!! He’s in the hospital right now!!”

“But how could he be in coma?! He’s fine!! He’s all fine!!”

Kyungsoo threw his phone over the couch and stood up. No matter what is exactly happening, he needs to see Luhan right now. Something is insanely weird.

He really need to explain everything to Luhan.

_______

Kyungsoo could still remember the last session he had with Jongdae. He was in relief, finally he could meet the latter as a friend instead of coming to his office as a patient. A troubled patient.

“So why don’t you explain to me the chronology again.” Jongdae’s voice has always been soft and calming.

Kyungsoo swallowed an imaginary lump. “W-well, at first, it was started when we were arguing.”

“Then?”

“Luhan was upset, he stormed out from my office room. Then he met Sehun and Jongin. I overheard them, Luhan was taking Sehun with him and dragged him across the street. I came out and talked to Jongin, but..”

Jongdae locked his fingers. “But?”

“But..” Kyungsoo exhaled so heavily, “Jongin saw a truck was coming towards them and jumped over to pull them away, but he was.. too late. Three of them, they..”

“They what, Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo gulped. “They were thrown away by the truck. I couldn’t do anything back then except of calling the police and ambulance.”

“So if I said there’s someone to blame for this, who do you think it would be?” Jongdae said as he shifted on his rotatable chair.

Kyungsoo gazed down at his shoes. “No one.”

“Even if I say it’s you who should take the responsibility? Because, you know, it was started because of you making Luhan upset.”

“No. It’s not my fault.”

“Are you sure?”

Kyungsoo looked up and stared at Jongdae right in the eye. “Yes.”

Then Jongdae smiled so widely to him. “Congratulations, Do Kyungsoo,” he said as he offered his hand to him, “you’re no longer my patient.”

“Uhm, thanks.” Kyungsoo took Jongdae’s hand and shook it weakly.

“Hey, you should be happy for it. After all it means you’re not troubled or insane or anything.” Jongdae chuckled. “And it means you don’t need to waste your time here, you could accompany my brother more.”

At the mention of it, Kyungsoo shifted his gaze at Jongdae. “Why won’t you meet him?”

Jongdae’s happy face turned dark. He exhaled heavily. “I guess I have no courage for that.”

“But he’s your brother after all.” Kyungsoo said. “Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh, but I think you should do more than just taking care of all his hospital bills and medications. You shoud, uhm, you know, meet him.”

“No. He’ll go all furious if he saw me. I know it.”

“But how would you know if you’ve never try? Just go and meet him, it’s not a hard thing to do.”

Jongdae smiled weakly. “I’ll think about it. Besides I don’t really need to worry about him. He had you after all.”

“Blah blah.” Kyungsoo chuckled. “Thanks for the session, Jongdae, finally we could meet next time as a friend.”

“Yeah you’re welcome.” Jongdae smiled again as he stood up. “You could do it, right? Explaining to Luhan about what happened back then.”

Kyungsoo pressed his lips tightly into a thin line. “When the time has come, I think I could do it.”

_______

He thought he could do it, in a nice way, so Luhan would be calm too. But ever since he stepped into Luhan’s apartment, he immediately broke into pieces again because he needs to repeat all the dark memories again. He hates it so much. It makes his heart felt like it’s being squeezed and then bleeds. But he had promised to himself that he’d tell Luhan everything. He had promised.

“How..” Luhan’s voice sounds dry. “How could I.. forget everything??”

Kyungsoo shook his head slowly. He’s too stressed to comment anything about it.

“Kyungsoo, I.. but.. how could I see them??” Luhan’s eyes wandered to Kyungsoo. But not really to Kyungsoo. It’s like he’s looking and something or even someone right behind him.

Kyungsoo know Luhan couldn’t lie, and to be added, about something like seeing ghosts or unusual things. Luhan is not insane, but nothing could explain what Luhan had told him earlier.

“What’s happening to me?” Luhan asked in such an empty tone. “How could I see something like..” Luhan scratched his hair in stress. “Dammit. I don’t even know what’s real anymore.”

“B-but, Luhan, if..” Kyungsoo coughed quietly, “if you really can see Jongin, please,”

Luhan stared at Kyungsoo, waiting for the words.

“Please tell him that I’ll be just fine,” Kyungsoo said as he pulled his legs up onto the couch, hugging them as if his life depends on them, “really, I’ll be just fine.”

I’ll be fine, Jongin-ah. I’ll be fine when you’re gone.

But if I can’t be fine, would you help me to try?

Kyungsoo tried to suppress his tears and sobs, but he can’t do any better.

I guess you won’t, Jongin-ah. But it’s alright.

Then he stopped eventually and looked up. “Luhan..?”

“Sehun..” Luhan muttered as his eyes scanned the living room. “Sehun.”

“Why?? What happened??”

Luhan immediately stood up from his couch, made his way to the door before he grabbed his coat. “I’m sorry, Kyungsoo, I need to go to the hospital.”

“But do you even know the address?? Or the room Sehun has been hospitalized in??”

“Ah, right,” Luhan sighed.

“Just go, I’ll text them for you.” Kyungsoo wiped the traces of tears on his cheek and fished his phone from his pocket.

Luhan nodded and opened the front door. Kyungsoo watched him hesitated, and then he turned around and stared at Kyungsoo. Or maybe something behind Kyungsoo.

“Take care of my precious castle.”

“W-what?” Kyungsoo said, but Luhan has already closed the door. “Take care of what?” he muttered to himself.

Then he wandered his gazes over Luhan’s spacious living room. It’s kinda a little bit smaller than his. But it’s neat and comfy, so Luhan.

He pulled his legs up again and hugged them. He bites his lips, trying not to cry again.

He’s already alone in his own home, no wonder why it feels so lonely in someone’s place too.

He’s not coming home now.

_______

Kyungsoo tried to remember if he ever felt so alone, but he couldn’t find any memory of it. To think about it again, Kyungsoo always felt alone in his house, or even in his apartment, but never felt so alone. And then Jongin came, filling his life with a certain unforgettable and addicting presence that never leaves him, which made Kyungsoo couldn’t have the chance to feel a deep loneliness.

“Is it really alright for me to live with you, Kyung?” was the question Jongin asked as he steped into Kyungsoo’s apartment with bags of clothes.

Kyungsoo was smiling so widely. “Of course! I don’t think you’re going to have a hard time on that. You always stayed here anyways.”

“But it was just staying for a night. It means I won’t be a mess for you. But now, who knows if – “

“Jongin, just,” Kyungsoo brought the tip of his finger on Jongin’s lips, “don’t ever say something like that. You’ll never be a mess for me. It’s my choice to bring you here with me, so I could take care of you completely. So don’t you ever say something like that again.”

Jongin was blank. He just nodded at Kyungsoo like a child, making the shorter one grinned. But Jongin couldn’t help thinking that he’d be a burden for him. Do Kyungsoo has a life that seems couldn’t be interfered with such a thing like taking care of a dying person. He couldn’t let himself ruining Kyungsoo’s life like that.

“I know what you’re thinking.” Kyungsoo whispered when they had their dinner.

“U-uh?” Jongin almost dropped his chopsticks because of shock.

Kyungsoo sighed. “You would never be a burden for me, Jongin. You’re not interfering my life.”

“How d-do you know I was – “

“I told you I know what you’re thinking.” Kyungsoo murmured.

Jongin hung his head low. “But how could I pay you back, Kyungsoo, with all of your kindness?”

Kyungsoo pretended to be thinking about it. There’s absolutely nothing Jongin could do to pay everything back to him, because he doesn’t need it anyway. He does it for Jongin because he loved him so much that he’d do anything to make him stay next to him. But Jongin has this innocent side of him that comes out on surface sometimes, the side that was taking over at him.

“You really want to know what you could do?” Kyungsoo said.

Jongin nodded furiously.

Kyungsoo smiled, but it didn’t really reach his eyes. “Just stay with me fore – “ Kyungsoo paused, “stay with me as long as you can. So.. I won’t be lonely.”

Jongin could feel Kyungsoo was being uneasy, but he nodded anyway.

“I’ll try my best to stay.”

_______

You’ve done your best, Jongin-ah.

Kyungsoo stared at the foods in front of him. He needed three months just to adjust the amount of the food with the number of persons living inside the apartment. He’s already used to cook for two persons, or even three because Jongin eats a lot. He used to cook a lot. Now he had to cook only for himself. And sometimes he couldn’t finish the food too. It’s like he had lost his appetite. It’s like he had lost his life.

Kyungsoo swiftly finished his dinner and washed the dishes before he changes his clothes into a comfy pair of t-shirt and sweatpants. After checking everything, he climbed to his bed. He also needed three months before he could make himself comfortable to sleep with just pillows around him. He used to sleep with the warmth of a person next to him. He used to be wrapped in such nice warmth that he couldn’t let go. Now he had to put bolsters on his sides as if they’re his guardians, hoping that he’d feel safe. But it won’t be as much as when he was in Jongin’s arms.

He quietly counted to five, and there goes the silence again. A dead silence. No wind sound. Not even drizzles. Not even grasshoppers. Just a dead silence, when Kyungsoo could only hear the sound of his own breathing.

Then Kyungsoo breathed the words again, as what he had been doing everynight ever since that day.

‘So this is how I will be living without him’.

Kyungsoo had never thought it before. Of course he had prepared to lose Jongin, but he never did about living without him. Absolutely weird to him, because he had been living without the certain Kim Jongin for years and came out fine, but he could became dead like this just because Jongin left when has already used to Jongin’s barely-three-months presence. Having Jongin around has became the real life for him, and now when the certain guy has gone, he’s confused about how he should be living.

“Jongin-ah,” Kyungsoo murmured quietly, and as if it’s the cue, his tears are starting to come out, “what should I do now?”

“You should let me go.”

“Of course, but you know I – “ in an instant the blood rushed down from Kyungsoo’s face. He immediately gets up and stares at what’s in front of him right now. He rubbed his eyes furiously.

Kyungsoo’s lips stuttered. “Jongin??”

The guy in front of him waved his hand awkwardly. “Kyungie.”

“W-what..” Kyungsoo swallowed nothing, “what are you doing here?”

“Can’t I be here for a moment?”

“But why?”

Jongin shrugged. “Because you couldn’t let me go yet.”

“What do you mean??” Kyungsoo winced.

“Kyungsoo, have you ever thought about dealing with the reality?”

Kyungsoo’s heart begins to twitch. Jongin rarely calls him ‘Kyungsoo’, only when he’s being serious or talking about something really important. And having Jongin called him like that, it makes him shivers.

“B-but I’m dealing with the reality, I – “

“Have you ever thought that I want you to continue your life happily? Have you ever thought that I don’t want to see you suffer like this?”

Kyungsoo swallowed hard. “I.. I don’t know how..”

“Kyungsoo,” Jongin said gently, “if you’re not happy, how could I be happy?”

“B-but I – “ Kyungsoo hang his head low, suppressing his tears, “I don’t know how to be happy, I – I don’t even know what to do now.”

Jongin smiled weakly. “Kyungie, don’t be like that,” he said, not moving even an inch, “if you’re keep being like this, I won’t be in peace at all.”

“R-really? Then s-should I.. pray for you?” Kyungsoo asked quietly.

“Of course, pray for me so I could be where I’m supposed to be.” Jongin’s voice sounds so light and ringing, “I know you’re strong, Do Kyungsoo. You’re stronger than you think you are.”

“I am not.” Kyungsoo looked down again.

“Of course you are. You took care of me even though you knew I’d be gone eventually. You put your faith when everyone else already gave up on me. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met in my life.”

“But Jongin,” Kyungsoo narrowed his eyes on the guy in front of him again, “it’s really hard, Jongin. Jongin, can’t I just go with you?”

Jongin’s eyes widened. “Do Kyungsoo, what are you talking about?! Don’t you ever say that again!” he protested. “Kyungie, please don’t be like this!”

“I’m sorry I just – “ Kyungsoo finally gave up. He sobbed. “Jongin I can’t live without you, I – I don’t know how to live without you, I’m so confused, I used to have you by my side and now I’m alone, so alone, I didn’t even thought one day I’d be without you, Jongin, I don’t know what to do anymore!!”

“Kyungie,” Jongin pleaded, and in an instant he’s there by Kyungsoo’s side. “Kyungie, please, please be strong, for me, will you?”

Kyungsoo just moves back and forth slowly, as if he couldn’t hear him.

“Kyungie?”

“You’ve promised.” Kyungsoo murmured. “You’ve promised you won’t ever leave me.”

“Of course I did.”

“Then why did you leave me??”

“I didn’t.” Jongin said, gently touching Kyungsoo’s chest with his finger, “I’ll be always here, right?”

Then, after a few seconds of dead silence with Kyungsoo staring at Jongin’s eyes, finally he chuckled. “Being corny again, Jongin-ah?”

Jongin smiled. “Just for you, though.”

“I will try to let you go.” Kyungsoo said. “I’ll let you go so you could be happy, Jongin. I wish you could be wherever you’re supposed to be. I.. uhm.. goodbye.”

“Goodbye.” Jongin grinned. “See you again. Not so soon, though.”

Kyungsoo chuckled. “Yeah, I still need to take care a lots of thing.”

“And do whatever you want to do.” Jongin smiled. “Hey, why don’t you lay down and close your eyes?”

So Kyungsoo did what Jongin said.

Even when he wake up in the morning and found out that it was just a dream, his heart thumps at the previous scene.

________

Kyungsoo remembered there was once a morning where he woke up and couldn’t find Jongin by his side. He immediately jumped off the bed and went out of his bedroom. He finally sighed in relief when he found Jongin was sitting with leg crossed on the floor, gazing at the gloomy sky beyond the window in front of him.

He holds his breath when Jongin turned his gaze to him. A weary smile created as he gazed at the sky again. “It’s gonna be rainy, huh?”

“Y-yeah, I think.” Kyungsoo swallowed nothing as he keeps staring at the guy in front of him. Then he decided to take a seat next to him, just to inhale his scent, because maybe, just maybe, someday he won’t be able to do that again.

Jongin’s eyes wandered at him again. “Kimchi spaghetti tonight?”

“Don’t you get tired with it? You’ve been eating it as dinner ever since you moved here.”

“Oh, Kyungie, who would ever get tired with your kimchi spaghetti??”

“Uhm, me?”

It’s weird how Kyungsoo finds his eyes get watery as Jongin laughed so warmly to him with his thumb was touching Kyungsoo’s left cheek so gently. “You’re too cute too be true, I’m sure I’ve told you.” Jongin grinned. “By the way, Kyung, you haven’t told Luhan that I’m here, right?”

Kyungsoo blinked. “I-I’m sorry, what was that again?”

Jongin sighed. “I was asking you if you told Luhan that I’m staying here.”

“O-oh,” Kyungsoo chuckled, “nope.”

“Good.” Jongin nodded.

It’s another silence again when Jongin turned his gaze at Kyungsoo again. “Kyung..”

“Hm?”

“You’ll stay with me, right?” Jongin’s voice sounds hoarse, “even if I turned ugly, even if I can’t smile at you again, even if I can’t hold your hand or ki – “

“Yeah yeah yeah.” Kyungsoo rolled his eyeballs.

Jongin grinned. “You’ll stay with me till the very end, right?”

Kyungsoo’s eyes are fixed on him. He smiled. “You know, since the very start I had stayed with you. Another more for the end isn’t a big problem for me.”

“Ow,” Jongin playfully eyed him in mocking way, “being a poetic this time, Kyungie?”

“Oh shut up.”

Jongin laughed though it sounds like he put a plenty effort just to do it. He took Kyungsoo’s tiny hand gently in his as he stared again at the sky. Then right at the second it was raining. It wasn’t a heavy rain, it was more like the raindrops were falling gracefully, and it was really nice to see for Jongin.

“See? It’s raining.” Jongin mumbled.

“Hm-hm.”

“But you know, it will be drizzle sooner and eventually rainbow will show up.”

“Yeah yeah.”

_________

Kyungsoo stared blankly at the raining sky beyond the car window. He could smell the scent of the daisies from the flower bouquets he’s holding. One belongs to him, one belongs to Luhan, who’s driving their way to the cemetery. Kyungsoo is so much lost in his reverie that he didn’t realize Luhan was talking to him.

“Kyungsoo? Dude?” Luhan poked Kyungsoo’s arm without looking at him, eyes stuck on the street in front of them. It’s a silent promise that he won’t ever do anything careless in the street because who knows what could happen?

Hearing no response, Luhan poked the arm again. “Kyungsoo!”

“Hm? Hm?” Kyungsoo finally turned his gaze to Luhan.

“Geez, what were you thinking about that you didn’t hear me talking to you?” Luhan chuckled as his hands smoothly controlling the steer.

“Uhm, nothing.” Kyungsoo murmured. He eyed Luhan again.

Luhan has been living like a robot ever since he found out that Sehun was hospitalized. It was two years ago, yet until now Luhan still can’t really accept it easily. Sure he’s doing great with his work, visiting Sehun everyday, and always made time to have a nice cup of bubble tea in Kyungsoo’s café. But it’s like he’s a machine, a perfect monotonous machine that programmed to run a high-class life with tons of sheets to consume and pseudo-social life to live. While when the usual nights come, he’ll turn into the hopeful Luhan with innocent eyes that believe someday Sehun will wake up again and see that he’s there for him.

Lost in his thoughts about Luhan, Kyungsoo didn’t realize that Luhan has opened the car door for him. The rain has stopped, though he could feel the barely felt drizzle on his skin as he stepped out. He met the laughing Luhan. It’s nice to see the guy laugh, because he hasn’t been laughing like that for a long time.

“Something funny, Xi Luhan?” Kyungsoo playfully poked Luhan’s head as he handed one of the flower bouquets to him.

“You know, when you’re lost in your thoughts your eyes would be like this,” Luhan said as he widened his round eyes and opened his mouth a bit. Kyungsoo laughed, he slapped Luhan’s shoulder lightly.

But their laughs faded as the minutes passed by with them standing in front of Jongin’s tomb.

Kyungsoo has been visiting this tomb regularly, every week. Even when he’s busy, he always tried to make some time when it’s the day for visiting Jongin again. So he should be cool about it when he stared at Jongin’s name engraved on the tomb. But today is different. It’s precisely two years anniversary of Jongin’s death. And somehow it made Kyungsoo felt sinking.

He smiled weakly to Luhan who’s eyeing him in worry. “Second anniversary,” he murmured, “he left for two years now. Can you believe it, Lulu?”

Luhan smiled back to him. “Though I can’t, I have to, right?”

“Right.” Kyungsoo nodded. He sighed. “Well, sometimes I still thought that he’s just around, and I only need to wait for him to come home.”

He paused thoughtlessly, and started again.

“I mean, I came to his apartment twice a week, just to clean up, and somehow I can make myself believe that he’s in the dance academy, dancing and doing anything, and I simply wait for him at night.”

Kyungsoo’s thoughts flies to how he’d stay at Jongin’s apartment sometimes, trying to picture out how Jongin run his days in that place. He could imagine Jongin woke up on that single bed, and maybe he’ll walk straight to the bathroom before throwing his clothes everywhere he could, and then maybe he’d grab a mug of cold milk and went out from the apartment, locked the front door and made his way to the dance academy. Jongin told him once that his mornings were actually monotonous like that, only the nights that different.

So Kyungsoo also imagined how it would be if he ever got the chance to live with Jongin in that apartment. Maybe they’ll have their nights on that barely capable single bed, and he’ll wake Jongin up every morning since he’s the morning person among them, and he’ll pick up Jongin’s poor clothes and throw it in the washing machine along with another laundries, and when Jongin came out from the bathroom he’d find sandwiches or pastries that Kyungsoo has made for him, and he’ll finish them all before he kissed Kyungsoo goodbye and went out. How nice it would’ve been if Kyungsoo was there for him, he could’ve been the one who greeted the tired but still lively Jongin everynight, cooked him whatever he wanted as the dinner – which must be around Kimchi spaghetti and Kimchi spaghetti –, waited for Jongin to wash up before they finally cuddles on the single bed.

Such a cruel imagination that could tear Kyungsoo’s heart apart everytime he thought about that.

 “It’s been two years, Luhan,” he murmured quietly, “but I still can’t get used to the fact that he has gone.”

Somehow it pained Luhan too, seeing the usually strong-hearted Kyungsoo could fall apart like this. He patted Kyungsoo’s back gently. “But you’re doing so well, Kyungsoo, you’ve been doing so well,” he said, “you only need to keep moving on. That’s all you need to do for now.”

Keep moving on, Kyungsoo noted in his heart. “Thankyou, Luhan.”

Then he felt his phone is buzzing in pocket. He reached for it and answered the call without checking who’s calling. “Hello, this is Kyungsoo speaking.”

“Kyungsoo? Oh dear, I have a good news!”

Kyungsoo winced at the familiar voice. “Aunt Oh? What’s the good news?” he glanced at Luhan.

“Sehun woke up! Sehun woke up!!”

His eyes widened. “Really??”

“Yes! Yes! He woke up, Kyungsoo, finally he woke up!!”

“Oh God, it’s a great thing!!” Kyungsoo chirped, “but Auntie, don’t get me wrong, but why did you call me instead of Luhan?”

“Ah, right! Well, your name came up first when I opened my contact list. I’ll call him then. Have a nice day, Kyungsoo!”

“Thankyou so much, Auntie.” Kyungsoo said as he ended the call. He pocketed his phone back as he stared at Luhan.

Luhan’s left eyebrow twitched as if he’s asking ‘what?’.

“Sehun woke up.” Kyungsoo announced.

Luhan blinked furiously at him. “W-what??”

“He woke up!!” Kyungsoo chirped with his wide smile. “His mom is going to call you sooner.”

Then Kyungsoo’s smile turned melancholic. “What a good day,” he said as he glanced at the tomb, “Jongin would be so happy too if he’s here.”

Kyungsoo chuckled at his own imagination. Maybe Jongin will be the one who’d rush directly to the hospital and crushed Sehun in his overly tight embrace.

After he watched Luhan talked to the phone, the latter turned to him with a beaming smile. It made his face looks like a kid being happy because his mom and dad came home from a long trip.

“Go. I still want to be here.” Kyungsoo smiled. “I’ll stop by at night.”

Luhan nodded and quickly made his way to his car. Kyungsoo laughed, then he unintentionally glanced at the sky. His eyes stared solely at the sky, though at the very next second he could feel his heart twitches and his eyes warmed.

‘See? It’s raining. But you know, it will be drizzle sooner and eventually rainbow will show up.’

Somehow Kyungsoo managed to smile.

“You’re right, Jongin-ah.” Kyungsoo whispered.

Then he imagined what Jongin would respond for that. But then he find it weird, maybe his imagination is messing with his mind, because it feels – or sounds – so real.

“Yeah I know.”

________________________________________________________

Yaaaayy

Thankyou for reading! ^^

Sorry for the crappy story