Because a love that can’t be together

can also be considered as love..

_________________________________________________________________

“What’s your name?” a soft calming voice echoed at the spacious room.

“Xi Luhan.” Luhan said as he sighed. “Gosh, Jongdae, do I really need to repeat that everytime we do this session??”

Kim Jongdae simply laughed. “Sorry, my friend, it’s the procedure,” he said, “so how are you today?”

Luhan lifted his shoulder casually. “Still the same.”

“Still seeing them?” Jongdae asked, “including Sehun?”

It took a deep breath before Luhan answered. “Yes.”

Jongdae sighed. “Luhan, I think you should do the treatment I’ve been talking about. It helps you to – “

“Look, I told you I’m not insane, okay? I’m just seeing things, not insane. So please, just dodge away your idea of making me agree to do the treatment.”

“Anger,” Jongdae said casually, “uncontrollable anger is one of signs of insanity, you know?”

Luhan chuckled. “Whatever.”

Luhan has been seeing his psychiatric friend, Kim Jongdae, for around seven months. Jongdae is working in the same hospital where Sehun is hospitalized. Luhan decided to talk to a psychiatrist because he’s concerned about his own sanity. But he’s in a total dilemma. He want to get his sanity back so he could do his work at the company and live his life without any problem, but giving up his insanity also equal with losing Sehun.

Turns out that after the blur, blinding, weird scene, Sehun still can’t get back to his own physical body. The body is struggling to accept the medical treatment, and Sehun can’t get back to the body until it reached the conscious state. Jongin was long gone. He completely gone after three months of following Kyungsoo around, and he swore he’ll kill himself again – if it’s possible – because Kyungsoo is really not doing well with his death. Kyungsoo is mourning, and mourning, over and over again, repeating the words of ‘he’s not coming home now’. It’s like Kyungsoo has lost his own life. Until one night Jongin appeared in front of Kyungsoo, but the tiny boy considered it as a dream. Jongin said that Kyungsoo should let him go, and then Kyungsoo agreed. After that, Jongin left peacefully.

“It’s okay, hyung.” Sehun said when the night come, when they’re gazing at the night sky. As always. “It’s okay to let me go.”

Luhan shook his head furiously. “I told you I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to lose you!”

“No, you won’t lose me, I’m still alive, only unconscious, remember?” Sehun gives him a smile. “You simply need to be patient and wait for me to wake up, right?”

“But what if you’ll never wake up?? Who knows what will happened.” Luhan can’t hold his tears anymore. “As long as I’m with you, Sehun-ah, even though it’s only a mirage, I’ll be happy.”

“But I’m not.” Sehun pleaded, “I’m not happy seeing you live so abnormally like this. Humans are generally meant to be unable to see spirits like us, like me. We shouldn’t be like this. Jongin was right, I should’ve not came to you and appear.”

“No, you can’t leave me alone, please, I’m begging you!” Luhan cried and cried.

Sehun sighed. “You should do the treatment as what Jongdae hyung has been suggesting to you. You have a lots of responsibilities to do and I shouldn’t be the one who bother you. Please, you have a life to live.”

“But my life is you, always you.” Luhan said in a hoarse voice, “I’m living my life.”

Without a doubt, Sehun took the older one’s hand and squeezed it gently in his. “I’m always here, hyung,” Sehun said as he touched Luhan’s chest, “I won’t leave you.”

And that was around eight months ago, before Luhan totally can’t see spirits anymore, including Sehun. A nice work of treatment from psychiatrist Kim Jongdae.

After that, Luhan is living his life like a robot. Work, eat, sleep, pseudo-social life, work again, eat less, sleep less, more pseudo-social life. Until the only real things to him are Kyungsoo, Jongin’s tomb, and Sehun’s body at the hospital room. He has so many works to do indeed, but he challenged himself to do everything and push it over the limit. Just so he can forget that he’s wating for Sehun to wake up.

He has been visiting Sehun at the hospital. Checking his updates from the doctor – which is his own friend, Wu Yifan –, attending the sessions with Jongdae, and do some works next to the unconscious Sehun. Sometimes he talked to him too. He talked about his problems and Kyungsoo’s positive changes. Which is kinda useless, because Sehun can’t hear him.

He didn’t realize how much the time has passed. It’s another monotonous day, and he found himself standing in front of Jongin’s tomb, holding a bucket of flower. He glanced at Kyungsoo, who’s smiling as always with another bucket of flower in his hand.

“Second anniversary.” Kyungsoo murmured with a  melancholic smile. “He left for two years now. Can you believe it, Lulu?”

Luhan smiled too. “Though I can, I have to, right?”

“Right.” Kyungsoo nodded. He sighed. “Well, sometimes I still thought that he’s just around, and I only need to wait for him to come home. I mean, I came to his apartment twice a week, just to clean up, and somehow I can make my self believe that he’s in the dance academy, dancing and doing anything, and I simply wait for him at night.” Kyungsoo felt an urge to cry out of nowhere, “it’s been two years, Luhan, but I still can’t get used to the fact that he has gone.”

“But you’re doing so well, Kyungsoo, you’ve been doing so well.” Luhan patted Kyungsoo’s back gently, “you only need to keep moving on. That’s all you need to do for now.”

Kyungsoo nodded. “Thankyou, Luhan.”

Then a sound of phone ring echoed at the quiet cemetery. It’s Kyungsoo’s phone. He picked it up and talked to the caller. And Luhan can’t help but just stare when Kyungsoo hand up the phone and tell him a news he has been waiting forever.

“Sehun woke up.” Kyungsoo said.

Luhan blinked. “W-what?”

Kyungsoo smiled widely. “He woke up!!” he chirped, “His mom is going to call you sooner. What a good day,” he glanced at the tomb, “Jongin would be so happy too if he’s here.”

Not so long after that, his own phone rings. He immediately pick it up when he saw the name at the screen. “Auntie, is Sehun already woke up?”

“Ah, you must be with Kyungsoo right now. He told you that, didn’t he?”

“Yes. When did he woke up? Why did you called Kyungsoo first instead of me??”

“Oh, I’m so sorry Luhan, Kyungsoo’s name was the first that appeared at the screen“ Sehun’s mom laughed apologetically, “he woke up around an hour ago. You should come now, I believe you’re the good start for him. I bet he’ll be so bright when he see you.”

A smile formed at Luhan’s lips. “How’s he doing right now?”

“We don’t know yet. He’s still dealing with some tests. We’re waiting for Doctor Wu to come out and inform us anything. Just come here as soon as you can, okay??”

“Of course! I’ll be there!” Luhan said. He hang up the call and turned to Kyungsoo with a beaming smile.

Kyungsoo smiled back. “Go. I still want to be here. I’ll stop by at night.”

Luhan nodded. Without any second though he immediately run to his car and drive along the street, rushing to the hospital. Suddenly the words Sehun has told him two years ago rings in his head.

‘Will you wait for me for another two years, hyung?’

Luhan laughed. Silly, of course I’ll wait for you.

But his beaming smile suddenly disappeared once when he arrived in front of Sehun’s room. He stared at Sehun’s mom with a frown. The old woman is crying. How could she cry when his son is finally came back to consciousness?

“Auntie, what’s wrong?” Luhan asked worriedly.

The old woman gazed at him. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Luhan became more curious. “Is Sehun alright??”

“Yes, yes, he’s perfect, but – “ the woman choked, “j-just go inside. You’ll find out yourself.”

Luhan stared at the door nervously. He can’t do it. He’s not ready for the bad news. He’s not ready for something about Sehun that made his own mom cried. But Luhan wants to know. So he opened the door gently, as if he’s hoping for it to close again.

He met Yifan’s sharp eyes. And judging by Yifan’s stoned face, he know something is not right. He turned his gaze to the young boy who’s sitting at the bed, staring blankly at him. His eyes looks sleepy – well, his eyes always looks sleepy. His skin is pale white, as always. His lips is not too pale anymore, it gives the soft pink vibe.

“S-Sehun?” Luhan choked at the name.

It took a bit long pause and a questioning stare to Yifan before the younger boy replied. “I’m sorry,” his voice rings so clear in Luhan’s head like a church bell, “who are you?”

And that’s the moment when Luhan’s heart crushed into ugly pieces. Just right at the seconds when Oh Sehun asked him who he is.

‘Who are you’?? he shouted inside, who am I??

Sehun watched as his doctor sighed heavily, and he stared again at the guy with deer eyes and light brown mushroom hair. And he swear that he’s seeing a stream of tears rolling down the guy’s cheek. He don’t even know why the guy is crying. Has he done something bad?

Luhan managed to talk. He coughed at first. “I’m Luhan.”. I am Xi freaking Luhan, the guy you said you can’t live without once in a while! he screamed inside. “Do you remember me?”

He hoped Sehun is joking right now. He know how evil Sehun could be. But if he’s really joking, then it’s one of those unforgivable pranks.

Sehun shook his head in slow motion. He sighed. “I’m so sorry,” he said with a pure disappointment at himself, because he made a woman cried a few minutes ago when he said the next thing, “I don’t.”

Yifan watched Luhan’s hands trembling, his words are freezing. Yifan was just about to say something when suddenly Luhan smiled to Sehun.

“It’s okay,” Luhan said with a low voice, but loud enough to be heard, “I know how you feel.”

“He what?” Jongdae asked in disbelief, “he can’t remember anyone, even you??”

Luhan didn’t say anything or just nodded. He keep biting his upper lips, so nervous about the fact that Sehun lost his memories just like that. As if it wasn’t comatose for him, but a total wipe-out.

“What did Yifan said about him?” Jongdae asked.

“Amnesia.” Luhan answered shortly. “A major one. He can’t predict anything for now.”

Jongdae shook his head slowly. “I’m so sorry to hear that, Luhan.”

Luhan narrowed his eyes. Sorry. Such a tricky word. Sehun said that too when he stated that he can’t remember him. Sorry.

Sorry.

_____

“He has been asking about you.” Luhan could hear Kyungsoo’s worried voice from his phone.

“Really?” Luhan winced.

“Yes.” Kyungsoo said, “he asked where’s the hyung he saw first when he woke up, he said he wanted to meet that hyung again.”

“And what did you told him?”

“I told him that hyung is really busy these days. He just nodded. But he’s disappointed.”

“Well, he’ll get over me.” Luhan casually said as he flipped through some pages of the document that needed to be signed.

He could hear Kyungsoo sighed heavily. “You should come, Luhan.”

“Me coming or not won’t make any differences.”

“Look, just because he forgot about you, doesn’t mean you have to ditch him like this. Luhan, he forgot everyone, not just you. Stop being so selfish like this. Seriously, you’re going to throw him out of your life just because he forgot who you are or even how he used to feel about you?? Grow up!”

Luhan bite his upper lips. It’s been four days since Sehun woke up. Four days of dealing with the fact that Sehun just forgot everything. Four days of hiding from those sleepy eyes. Four days of agony and crying.

Luhan just can’t accept that he has became a stranger in Sehun’s life.

“Are you still there, Xi Luhan?”

“I’m here.” Luhan’s hoarse voice can’t be hidden even in the phone line.

“Just come, Lulu. It won’t hurt you either.”

“But it hurts so bad.” Luhan said with shaky voice, “it hurts to be ditched in an instant from the life of someone you loved so much.”

“But it doesn’t mean you have to ditch him too.” Kyungsoo’s voice is always soothing and calming. “We’ll find a way. We still got hopes for his future, I believe it. Yifan said that too.”

“That tower face said that?” Luhan chuckled.

Kyungsoo laughed too. “Come today, okay? I’m going to bring some pastries for Sehun again today.”

“Free pastries? So not you.” Luhan mumbled as he stood up from his seat, grabbing his jacket from the couch near him.

“Well, yeah, it’s for Sehun after all.”

“I’ll pay for the next pastries and any foods you’ll bring for him.” Luhan said casually.

“Really? Thankyou Lulu.”

“I am Xi Luhan.” Luhan spelled his name slowly, making the guy in front of him nodded like a kid.

“I know your name is Luhan. I just forgot the ‘Xi’.” Sehun said shyly.

Luhan smiled. “It’s alright.”

“What were we? Were we friends? Do you know what happened to me?”

“Wow, easy, Sehun, don’t rush anything.” Luhan said, “it’s not good for your health. Don’t think too much.”

Sehun pouted innocently, then he nodded. “Okay.”

Luhan sighed. He took the vanilla bubble tea and hand it to Sehun. “Drink this, you’ll get better, as always.”

As always.

Sehun winced at the drink in front of him. “What is this?”

“Vanilla bubble tea.” Luhan answered, “you used to love it so much.”

“Really?”

Luhan nodded confidently. “You’re going to drink this, right?”

“I don’t know. It looks a bit... weird?” Sehun stared at the liquid in the plastic cup in front of him.

Luhan chuckled. “Just drink it.”

Sehun nodded and took the bubble tea. He sipped it slowly, then he smiled after the fresh liquid run down his throat. “It’s delicious. Weirdly delicious.”

Luhan laughed as he took another plastic cup of bubble tea. “Mine is weirder.” he pointed at the drink, “it’s Chocolate bubble tea.”

They both laughed freely. Then they fell into a comfortable silence. The enjoyed their bubble teas and the good long minutes before Sehun finally speaks again.

“Luhan hyung,” Sehun called.

It surprises Luhan how that ‘hyung’ word could make his heart jumps in joy but then crumbled in pain after that. “Yes?”

“Are you mad at me?” Sehun asked with a low voice.

Luhan frowned. “Why would I?”

Sehun shrugged. “Well, you know,” he said, “because I don’t remember you?”

Unknowingly, Luhan’s right hand find its way to caresses Sehun’s silky brown hair with a pouring affection. “It’s not your fault that you don’t remember us. Besides, the doctor said he’ll find a proper treatment for your memory. Don’t worry about it.”

Sehun smiled so wide. “It sounds good, hyung. Thank you.”

“Your welcome, Hun.” Luhan smiled back.

“But I want to remember everything I have to remember. Especially both of us.” Sehun stated.

“Really? What’s so special about our memories?”

“They weren’t special??” Sehun’s voice is full of disappointment.

Luhan chuckled. “Of course they were! But you don’t need to rush anything, Sehun, you have to take it slowly.”

Sehun sighed as he sipped his bubble tea again. “I hoped God makes me remember.”

For that, Luhan lets out an unnoticeable sad smile and said an almost unlistenable words. “Maybe God made you forgot just so you can remember.”

_________

It’s been two months of coming back and forth to the hospital. Two months of spending nights and a couple days with Sehun, though his body is aching because of his works at the company. Two months of learning that Sehun is still the old Sehun who promised he’ll always find his way to be with him no matter what.

Two months of being aware of Sehun’s questions about their past.

“Were we classmates?” Sehun asked once. That night, when Luhan was almost fell asleep in the couch. But the younger one didn’t noticed that.

Luhan managed to smile to him. “Of course not. I’m one year older than you. I was your senior.”

Sehun nodded. “So do I have any close friends? Except you?”

“Who told you I’m your close friend?” Luhan said that with an evil smirk. Somehow his prankster soul managed to come out from his tired body.

Sehun’s eyes get widened. “You’re not?”

Luhan laughed. Then he sighed. He don’t really feel good about what he’s going to say, but he said it after all. “Well, you actually have a close cousin, Kim Jongin.”

“Kim Jongin?” Sehun repeated the name. “Why did he never came here? Does he know I’m already awake?”

Crap, Luhan murmured inside. He know he should’ve not said it. They agreed not to tell Sehun yet that Jongin has dead. He tried to find a proper words to say. “He has gone.”

He thought Sehun would directly understand what he mean. But turns out that the younger guy is jus too innocent to understand. “Damn. I know it. Where did he go?”

“Somewhere beautiful, maybe.” Luhan murmured. “And hey, Kyungsoo is your close friend too.”

Sehun smiled. And Luhan could never describe in words how much he prayed for two years to see that smile from the very alive Sehun. He missed that smile too much.

“Speaking of Kyungsoo,” Sehun said as he rest his head on Luhan’s right shoulder, which surprised Luhan a bit. “He didn’t came here for days.”

“He’s busy taking care of his café. He’s opening another new one near this hospital.” Luhan explained. “Hey, once you got better, I’ll take you there, okay?”

Sehun nodded in excitement. “Thankyou, hyung.”

Once again, Luhan found it’s happy yet aching to hear that word.

“The latest session with him caught my attention.”

Luhan is in Jongdae’s neat room. It’s his schedule with him again. They were talking about how Jongdae misses Jongin, his very own brother. They were talking about Jongin when suddenly he mentioned about Sehun. He stared at the guy in front of him.

“What was he talking about?” Luhan asked as he sipped his tea.

“Well, I’m not sure either. He said he remembered a thing.”

“Really??”

“Yes, but nothing particular.” Jongdae smiled. “He said he remembered a squeaky clean room, and a beautiful figure.”

Luhan frowned. Squeaky clean room reminds him of his own apartment. But beautiful figure?

“I won’t be surprised if it’s you.” Jongdae chuckled. “That boy is always so into you.”

Somehow Luhan find himself smiling at the words.

________

“He said he missed you.” Kyungsoo’s voice sounds soft from his phone. “Again.”

Luhan chuckled. “I missed him too.”

“Just throw all those papers and give your body a rest, Lulu. You’re going to die in the middle of those papers and documents if you keep working nonstop like that. Please, Lulu, I don’t want to lose a friend again.”

“Wow, Soo, take it easy, don’t talk like that. It’s sad.” Luhan protested.

“I know, I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo sighed. “Please give your body a proper rest. And visit your beloved Sehun again.”

“There’s only a few meetings left and I’ll be free for a whole week.” Luhan said, “I’ll be there once I’ve finished all of these, okay?”

Kyungsoo laughed. “Don’t tell that to me. Tell that to Sehun.” he said, “hey, want to talk to him?”

“No, no. I’m fine. Don’t give the phone to him.”

“… okay.” Kyungsoo said.

Luhan sighed. It’s not like he doesn’t want to talk to Sehun, but he’s afraid that he’ll burst in tears once he heard that soft, soothing voice of ‘hyung’.

Finally the creepy week has ended. Luhan is tired, obviously. But somehow he find himself feels so excited as he stepped out from the building. The thoughts of meeting Sehun makes his heart jumps nonstop. He waved goodbyes to some of business man he had a meeting with a few minutes ago. He immediately get in the car and drive straight to the hospital. He can’t help but keep thinking about how Sehun will react once he see him. Will he be happy? Maybe Luhan is just being too exaggerating.

Because once he arrived there, he wished he had never decided to come.

Sehun’s voice is cutting his heart into pieces. “You’ve never told me about my past.”

Luhan know this moment will come. Luhan know he can’t keep secrets from Sehun forever. But he’s not ready to tell him that the things back then was too complicated. He’s not ready to tell him that he’s the one who ruined their lives. Though no one blamed him, he know less or not he’s responsible of that accident. If only he wasn’t stupid enough to drag Sehun along to the street, the guy won’t got into the accident with him and lost his memories like that. If only he wasn’t stupid enough to walk towards the street, Jongin won’t try to save them and suffer under the brain cancer and die.

He can’t tell him that he’s the bastard who caused his memory lost.

“What’s so important about that?” he found his voice sounds so cold.

“You told me your name, your job, your hobbies, your favorite movies,” Sehun said again, “but never about my past – our past.”

“What’s so important about that?” Luhan replied that sentences again.

“That’s freaking important.” the guy in front of him murmured, “are you hiding something from me?”

Luhan closed his eyes. God I can’t take it anymore. “Depends on what do you mean about ‘hiding something’.”

“Are you lying to me?” Sehun asked again.

‘Are you lying to me?’

Yes I’m lying to you. “Of course not. Why would I?” Just kill me. Just kill me.  “Seriously, what makes you ask me about those stu – weird questions??”

“Because I deserve to know my past.” Sehun stated as he stared at Luhan.

He deserve to know his past.

God please take me right now.

Luhan wanted to cry and beg Sehun his forgiveness. He wanted to fall in front of him. But he found himself staring at the guy so coldly. So cold, that he can’t even believe he actually could stare at Sehun like that.

 “Have you ever thought about moving on to the future instead of wandering around in your past?”

_______

It’s been another two months since the last time Luhan met Sehun. He has been working like a robot again. Work, eat, sleep, pseudo-social life, work again, eat less, sleep less, more pseudo-social life. Until the only real things to him are Kyungsoo’s rejected phone calls along with messages says ‘why are you doing this’ or ‘answer my call or I’ll kill you’, and the pain all over his body that caused by the lack of seeing the one he loved.

If agony could kill, he would’ve dead more than a month ago.

It’s another gloomy day, he could tell by how the raindrops are rushing from the sky. He has been watching the falling streams of waters outside his window. He wondered if rain could kill too, because if it’s possible, he’d love to run outside and let himself drenched to death. Soon enough he realized his own unhealthy obsession over things that could kill.

Then he decided that he can’t be like this anymore. He need to see Sehun. And he know it’s the right thing for him. He know it when he drove his car to Sehun’s apartment once he knew that the guy had got back to his old place. He know it when he rushed towards Sehun’s front door and knocked it nervously. He know it once he saw Sehun, standing in front of him, his face is as gloomy as his. He know it when Sehun ran to him and hugged him tightly, cried silently on his shoulder.

He know his agony has finally ended once their hands intertwined when they’re laying together on Sehun’s bed, gazing at the ceiling above them.

“Hyung,” Sehun’s voice is hoarse, “why don’t you do me a favor?”

“Hmm?” Luhan mumbled.

“Help me with remembering my past,” Sehun said, “our past.”

Luhan looked at him, “are you sure?”

Sehun nodded. “Yes. And you could start with your story!”

Luhan chuckled. He sighed. “Me?” he asked. He’s not sure about what he’s going to tell. “Well, I was working as a waiter at Kyungsoo’s café.” he finally started.

“Really??” Sehun asked in excitement.

Luhan laughed. “Yeah. And it was really fun to serve people, and get dollars by your own sweat.” he added, “but one day, I told Kyungsoo that I’ve finally accepted my dad’s offer. I agreed to be the new CEO in his company. Not because I don’t want to be a waiter anymore, but my dad needed my help, so I agreed.”

“Kyungsoo was afraid that I’ve became someone who’s greedy of money and power.” Luhan added again, “so he rejected the idea and begged me to wake up. I told him I’m fully wake up, but he told me that maybe I’m going to be someone who don’t care about humanity anymore because of my work. He said the Luhan he know is always trying to be normal. And I was so angry to him. He don’t understand me, I told my self. But Kyungsoo was just plainly worried about me.”

Luhan lets out a sigh before he continued. “I was so angry that I dragged you out with me from the café.”

“Me? I was there??” Sehun blinked.

It’s the time for him to know after all. “Yeah, you were unfortunately there. Jongin was there too.”

“Jongin? What happened with us?” Sehun asked.

Luhan bite his upper lip. “I don’t really remember. A giant truck came so fast from the left. Jongin rushed into the street stupidly to save us. The giant truck hit us. And we got into coma, while Jongin was safe.”

“We got into coma??” Sehun said in disbelief, “you and me? So it wasn’t just me??”

Luhan nodded. “I woke up two years later while you’re still in coma. Jongin was still walking here and there, but unfortunately, he got brain cancer because of the accident.”

There’s a short silence before Sehun asked in a low voice. “What happened to him?”

It took a deep breath for Luhan to finally say it. “He died, two years ago,” he said, “you woke up at the second anniversary of his death.”

Sehun didn’t say anything. His eyes are widened. “Oh God..”

“I’m so sorry Sehun-ah..” Luhan’s voice sounds so aching, desperate, weak. He lets out what he has been arguing with himself lately. “If only I didn’t dragged you along to the street, all of us won’t be like this, I’m so sorry, I’m – “

“No, it’s not your fault. I was never your fault.”

Luhan frowned. “How do you know? You don’t even remember anything.”

“Well, yeah, I don’t remember.” Sehun murmured, “but Kyungsoo always said that you’ll tell me that and I should tell you that it’s not your fault.”

“Do you think that’s my fault?” Luhan asked.

 The younger guy winced. “Sometimes life can be too harsh, right?”

Luhan smiled at his words. Yes, sometimes life can be too harsh. And now he’s relieved that life is not too harsh to him anymore. He already told Sehun what happened, and that’s the important thing. His agony has gone.

It was until he realized that he didn’t told Sehun how they ‘met’ again after himself woke up.

_______

Luhan is happy. And he could see Sehun is happy too. He’s doing more better than before, though it seems like Sehun can’t move too much or do something hard, because in the end he’d told Luhan that he’s tired while pressing his palm on his chest. But they’re happy. Kyungsoo is doing fine too, he found his sunny side again. Luhan once heard that happiness won’t last for long. But he doesn’t believe in it.

He finally believed it once Yifan insisted to take Sehun back to hospital and told him to stay for a couple weeks.

“You’re not his biological family. Therefore, I can’t tell you.” Yifan said casually when Luhan asked him to tell him what happened with Sehun.

“Stop that bull, Wu Yifan, just tell me.” Luhan is furious over the tall doctor.

Yifan sighed. “I’m not sure if I could tell you.”

“Wu Yifan, you’ve been reporting me about his condition. Why stopping now? Seriously, what is wrong with – “

“Heart failure.”

Luhan froze at the words.

“His heart is growing weaker and weaker. I’m going to do some medical tests on him, trying to find anything that could assure me about his illness. But for now, I could state, his suffering under heart failure.” Yifan’s voice is low and deep. “I’m so sorry Luhan.”

“B-but he’s going to be fine, right?” Luhan asked in desperation.

Yifan sighs. “No, Luhan. He’s going to be worse and worse.”

“H-how long?” Luhan asked, then cursed at himself for asking that. “How long the time that’s left for him?”

Yifan stared at him. Luhan could see the tiredness in his eyes. “Depends on how fast his heart grows weaker. Approximately one month,” he sighed before he continued, “two weeks if the disease is worse than I thought.”

Luhan swallowed so hard, as if he’s swallowing a sharp thing. “Does he know about it?”

Yifan shook his head. “Not yet. And I’m not planning to tell him. Don’t tell him.”

Luhan watched as Yifan’s silhouette gets further and further. He wished so badly that Yifan would turn around and laughed at him, telling him that it’s another prank. Yifan is an evil prankster, all his best friends know it. He wished so bad that Yifan would turn back and tell him that it was a joke. But no. The way Yifan dragged himself to walk tells him that he’s not joking. Sehun is dying, and the guy doesn’t even know that he’s dying.

With all the power left inside his body, he opened the door of Sehun’s room. The room is already dark. He took a glance on the sleeping Sehun. He looked so angelic like that. And Luhan can’t help but wonder how long it left for him to see that angelic face.

He sits on the nearest couch. He pinched his nose bone in stress, sighing heavily. “God, these are too much.” he murmured. Then at the very next second, tears streamed down his face. He sobbed. He scratched his head furiously, then he cupped his mouth, trying to hold his sobs just so Sehun won’t wake up and see him like this.

He cursed at everything he could curse at. He cursed at the reality. He cursed at how harsh the life is. Just a few days ago he thought all his pain has finally ended. Just a few days ago he thought he’s going to live the rest of his life with Sehun’s smile and tiny laughs. Just a few days ago he thought he had the happiness he needed the most. Just a few days ago he thought Sehun will always be there with him.

Now his happiness is crushed into pieces mercilessly.

“How are you?” Luhan asked with a bright smile.

“Fine, I guess?” Sehun chuckled.

“The test must be exhausting for you.” Luhan said, “want me to buy some bubble tea? Kyungsoo’s new café is totally near from here.”

It took a while before the younger one nodded. “A cup of bubble tea is nice too.”

The way to Kyungsoo’s new café is surprisingly exhausting. He has to hold the urge to cry everytime he think about how he would never see Sehun’s laugh again. He have to hold his sobs when he think about how he’d never feel Sehun’s warmth again.

The way back to the hospital is crucially hard. He can’t even took a glance at his own watch, because the ticking thing reminds him of how the time is running out for him to be with Sehun.

When he got back and sit next to Sehun, he thought that telling the story about how they met would be a good thing.

 “We met when we were toddlers, I guess.” Luhan said. “Our parents, they’re friends ever since they’re in high school.”

“Really??” Sehun said after he sipped his vanilla bubble tea, “but mom never told me that.”

Luhan chuckled. “At first you were scared of me, of my eyes. You said it’s too wide or too round, I can’t remember, but the point is, you were scared of me. But then, a few days later, I asked you to play with me, and you said yes. Then, for the very first time, you smiled at me, deciding that you’re not afraid of me anymore. And little Jongin was just so angry because the next few months you ditched him because you wanted to play with me only. He cried to his mom, telling her that you don’t love him anymore.

“However, three of us became best friends. And that’s how we started our friendship.” Luhan said as he closed his eyes. “Good memories.”

“Was I a good friend to you?” Sehun asked.

Luhan nodded. “Of course!” he chirped. “Though you don’t remember anything about me, but you were the one who know me the most. We know each other the most.”

Sehun sighed. “Really?”

“Hmm.” Luhan nodded again, “I don’t think I can explain because there’s so much thing I need to say if I’m going to explain that.”

After a long silence, finally Sehun speaks again. “Hyung, that time, when you didn’t know that I was in coma,” he started, “why it took so long for you to know about me?”

“What do you mean?” Luhan didn’t look at him. He kept staring at his bubble tea, as if the drink in his hand is more interesting than looking at Sehun’s questioning eyes. It kills him inside.

“Kyungsoo said that you know about me when he told you about the comatose. I mean, why didn’t you tried to find me? Why did you waited for Kyungsoo to tell you?”

“I don’t understand, Sehun-ah.” he lied.

“I mean, you could’ve find out yourself about my whereabouts if you tried to find me, but you didn’t. So at the time when you don’t know about the comatose, you were just living simply without asking where I am, right?”

Thump.

“I was dealing with something that I forgot to ask Kyungsoo or my mom about you.” was all Luhan got.

God, please forgive me for lying too much.

____

“There’s a way to save him.”

Luhan could’ve smiled at the words, but he saved his smile when he looked at Yifan’s way-too-serious face.

“We could do a heart transplantation surgery to him.” Yifan explained, “but just so you know, a heart transplant is a rare thing. We could put him in waiting list, but as I told you before, he doesn’t have much time for that. So, it couldn’t really help him.”

Luhan know he’s not a crazy one. Everyone said he’s a perfect human being. Despite his crushing heart, everyone knows he’s good at everything. And he’s the master of deciding and choosing. It proved on how successful the company has became since the first months he entered the company as the new CEO.

But it doesn’t mean that the decision he had just made is not crazy.

“No, I won’t agree.” Yifan stated, anger is obvious in his eyes. “I won’t agree with your stupid decision. No. Hell no.”

“I don’t need your agreement.” Luhan said monotonously.

“You’re insane. I declared, you’re totally insane.” Jongdae said furiously.

Luhan stared at him. “I am not.”

“Luhan, I already lost Jongin, now why are you leaving me??” Kyungsoo said as his eyes starts to get teary.

Luhan gazed at Kyungsoo. “I’m so sorry, Soo.”

They’re sitting on the couch in Jongdae’s room, four of them facing each other. They thought they’re going to have a light chit chat when Luhan announced something they never expected.

“Xi Luhan, did you even understand what were you talking about???” Jongdae shouted, “you were telling me you’re going to be the heart donor for Sehun!!”

Luhan smiled at the words. “Exactly.”

“Luhan, you’re insane!!” Yifan scratched his own head in stress, “heart donor always given by those who had died. And you’re very much alive! Are you going to kill yourself just so you could give your heart to him??”

“That’s the exact plan.” Luhan said.

Yifan’s eyes got more widened. He shook his head in disbelief. “Luhan, I can’t believe you.”

“He’s going to die, Yifan, Jongdae, he’s dying when he had so much for his future.”

“And you are too! You’re running a company, you made it successful, your parents needs you, everyone needs you. Why are you doing this, Luhan?!” Kyungsoo finally speak too.

“No, they actually got another heir beside me. There’s Zitao, he’s very much like me, trained to be a CEO, and he has never been a rebellious one. They could always replace me with him.” Luhan said as his eyes narrowed outside the window. “But Sehun, he’s the only one his parents got. And he had such a talent which I believe he’s going to discover sooner or later. He still had a bright future in front of him, Jongdae.”

“But Luhan, you can’t do that.” Jongdae’s voice is shaky. “Let’s just wait, okay? Maybe there’ll be a heart donor that will match with Sehun. Let’s pray for that, okay??”

“Yes, let’s wait for another donor. Forget what I said about how rare it is, we could just wait for someone to die and take their heart away.” Yifan added.

Luhan smiled. Then he took something from his pocket. He hand it to Jongdae.

“Donor card.” Luhan said. “I’ve done some medical test. My heart matched with him. The last thing I need to do is to give my heart to him.”

Jongdae can’t even hold the card properly. It’s trembling in his hand. He stared at Yifan, then at Luhan.

“Smile, Jongdae.” Luhan said. “You’re such an ugly when you’re going to cry.”

Luhan has been thinking about how much the lies he had made in his life. He know it’s a sin to lie. But somehow, the lie he said at the very next second is the only way he got.

“China.”

Sehun, who’s sitting in front of him at Kyungsoo’s newly opened café, winced at him. “Huh?”

“I’m leaving.” Luhan added. “To China.”

“What??”

“Next week.” Luhan added again. “I’m leaving to China next week.”

“What the – “

“Business, as always.” Lunan said with a laugh. A terrible laugh. “I’m wondering if I should start to find a heir to do my job. It’s just too much.”

“You’re leaving to China??” Sehun snorted.

Luhan blinked, then he nodded. “Yeah, I said that a few seconds ago.”

“Are you telling me that you’re going to leave me?” Sehun’s voice is shaky, “f-for how long?”

It took a long pause for Luhan to answer. “Maybe forever.”

Maybe forever.

“You’re leaving me forever??” Sehun’s voice is cracking.

“I’m sorry Sehun, but everything has settled up.” Luhan said as he sipped his bubble tea, “you’ll be just fine.”

“No, no, you can’t just – “

“Instead of complaining about that, why don’t we use the next precious seven days to enjoy our time, it would be nicer, right?” Luhan tried to smile.

Which is a big failure.

“Why are you doing this to me, hyung?” Sehun’s voice are still trembling and sorrowful.

Luhan just stares. He know what Sehun mean. He know it too much. “What?”

“You’re telling me that you’re leaving me for good, but you said that as if you won’t be sad if I’m not there next to you,” those words are flowing from Sehun’s lips without a doubt, “am I really nothing to you??”

‘Am I really nothing to you?’

Before Luhan could even say a word, Sehun stood up and run away, finding his way to get out from the café without looking back.

No, no, Sehun-ah, tears suddenly escaped from Luhan’s eyes, you’re everything to me.

_____

It’s been five days since the last time he saw Sehun. Two days left before he give his heart to Sehun.

Such a crazy thing Luhan ever decided in his life. But then, everytime he thought about why he would do such a thing like that, he always find the same answer.

Because he loved Sehun too much.

“He’s mad at you.” Jongdae said through the phone line that night. “But of course I didn’t told him the truth.”

“Good.” Luhan murmured. “Make sure he will never know it.”

“Luhan, is it the right thing to do?” Jongdae asked in worry.

Luhan laughed gently. “Yes.”

If it means Sehun can live, then it’s the right thing to do.

After the phone call with Jongdae, he laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Then he decided that he need to spend the last time with Sehun before he really gone. So he jumped from his bed, grabbed his jacket, get in the car and drives to the hospital.

When he opened the door, the room is already dark. He made his way to Sehun’s bed and get on it. He slips his hand through Sehun’s arm, hugging the younger one with all his might.

Then he heard the joyful yet painful word again. “Hyung…”

“Hmm?” Luhan mumbled.

Then Sehun cried. He cried so helplessly. “What are you doing here?? Why now?? Where were you the last six days?? Where were you??”

“I’m sorry.” is all Luhan could say.

“Why are you leaving me alone?? Why are you doing this to me?? Why hyung?? Why??”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” and then Luhan cried too. “I’m so so sorry.”

“You know I can’t be without you,” Sehun struggled to talk in the mid of his sobs, “you know I need you, hyung.”

“I know, I’m sorry, hyung is so so sorry.”

They both don’t know how long they had been crying before they fell asleep, with Luhan’s arm tightly embracing Sehun’s body, his hand gripping on the younger’s shirt, as if holding Sehun in his arms is equal with keeping his heart beating.

Which is, ironically true.

_____

“You’ll be just fine.” Luhan smiled widely.

Sehun winced. “How do you know?”

“I just know.” Luhan casually answered as he sits next to Sehun, his eyes gazing on the sky through the window of Sehun’s hospital room. “Everything will be fine, I’m sure.”

“I hoped you’ll be there when the surgery has done and I woke up.” Sehun said, “which is not going to happen at all.”

Luhan smiled apologetically. “I wish I could be there too.” which is totally not going to happen.

Just right when Sehun wanted to speak, Luhan pretended to looked at his phone. “Oh, time to go.” he lied as he stood up. He stared at Sehun, not sure what to say.

It’s Sehun who finally break the silence. “Are you really leaving?” his voice is low, deep, full of emotion.

Luhan bite his lips before he forced a smile. “Yes.”

“But why?” Sehun asked as he stood up too, almost pleaded, “why won’t you help me?”

“You’re perfectly fine. You don’t need any help.” Luhan said as he turn away his gaze from the younger one.

Sehun frowned. “But – “

“Goodbye, Oh Sehun. I’ll text you once I’m arrived in China.” Luhan smiled. But he failed to make it looks sincere, because his eyes is teary right now.

Such a liar, Luhan.

“But my memories, you told me you’ll help me find it!” Sehun said desperately. “Why, hyung, why don’t you want me to remember you?!”

‘Why don’t you want me to remember you?!’

Luhan froze at the words. Funny, because that thing is what he wanted so bad back then. He remembered how he desperately he look into Sehun’s eyes, seeking for some recognition, but he failed. He remembered how stressed he was when he know that Sehun’s totally blank about him. But now it seems like that thing is not what matters anymore.

“Sometimes,” Luhan whispered in sorrow, “memories are meant to be forgotten.”

“But not ours!” Sehun screamed in stress. “Hyung, why are you so – “

Sehun’s words are freezing in his mouth, as a stream of crucial warmth rushed through his skin, from the very own body of Luhan. He didn’t move even a bit when Luhan’s arms pulled him into a heartbreaking hug, their shoulders are shaky. They’re crying. Cursing at the reality, and crying.

Luhan swore he would give anything to stay like this forever.

“Will you miss me?” Luhan’s voice sounds so low, almost blended with the cold air around them. “Will you cry for me?”

“You want me to cry for you?” Sehun asked back in a hoarse voice.

Luhan nodded. “Cry for me. But don’t cry for me because you’re missing me. Cry for me so when we meet again, there’ll be no tears, only smiles and laughs. Cry for me until there’s no more tears to come out and you don’t have any choice but laugh, cry for me until your face is tired of crying and you decided to just smile because crying is so freaking damn tiring.”

Luhan could feel Sehun nodded.

“Goodbye, my love,” Luhan whispered in a pure sorrow, “goodbye.”

After the drama scene, he immediately get out from the room and find Yifan, standing in front of him. His emotion is so unreadable. Next to him is Jongdae and Kyungsoo, with the same expression as Yifan’s.

“Wu Yifan,” Luhan murmured, “I’m ready.”

Yifan closed his eyes. “Are you sure?”

Luhan smiled as tears streamed down his cheeks. “Yes.”

For the very first time in his life, Luhan is so confident and happy about his decision.

____________________________________________________________