Sehun wants to remember but Luhan told him that he doesn’t need to rush it.

Sehun begged for explanation but Luhan told him that he doesn’t need to know it earlier.

Sehun is craving for memories, but Luhan told him that sometimes memories are meant to be forgotten.

___________________________________________________

“Are you really leaving?” Sehun’s voice is low, deep, full of emotion.

Luhan smiled. He smiled. “Yes.”

“But why?” Sehun asked, “why won’t you help me?”

“You’re perfectly fine. You don’t need any help.”

“But – “

“Goodbye, Oh Sehun.” Luhan plastered his face with another smile. Another forced smile. “I’ll text you once I’m arrived in China.”

“But my memories, you told me you’ll help me find it!” Sehun begged in desperation. “Why, hyung, why don’t you want me to remember you?!”

Luhan stared at Sehun. He tried his best not to cry. Because he doesn’t want to leave him with tears. He want Sehun to remember him as a bright smile, as another good memory for him.

“Sometimes,” Luhan murmured, “memories are meant to be forgotten.”

__________________________________________________________

It’s been two months since Sehun woke up from his comatose, or that’s what his mom informed him this morning. With the brightest smile he had ever seen in his mom’s face.

They told him that he has been in comatose for more than four years because of an accident. They said it’s a miracle that he survived and finally woke up. Well, Sehun is thankful indeed. But he can’t figure out why he felt like he’s missing a lots of things.

“What’s the last thing you remembered?” the psychiatric asked him. The same question again for today, he guess.

“I told you I’m not sure.” Sehun murmured.

“It’s alright. Just point anything you know.” the doctor who told Sehun to call him Jongdae at their first meeting is smiling at him as always.

Sehun nodded. “Well, I remembered a room. A squeaky clean room. And..” he tried his best to remember, “a figure.. maybe.”

“A figure of who?” Jongdae asked calmly.

“I don’t know.” Sehun said, “I’m not sure.”

“What is that figure looks like?”

Sehun winced, and a word escaped from his lips. “Beautiful.”

___

Sehun has a weird routine visitor. His name is Luhan.

Luhan is someone Sehun would call as perfection, if that’s possible. Luhan got that innocent face with deer eyes, styled light brown hair, fair white skin, a good taste of clothing, and a shocking fact that he’s actually the CEO of one of the biggest company in Asia. A child prodigy, Sehun added.

Luhan is the first stranger Sehun saw when he woke up. Sehun asked who he is. There’s a long silence between them, as if Luhan didn’t know what to answer. And Sehun swear he saw tears rolling down his cheek.

“I’m Luhan.” he said back then. “Do you remember me?”

Sehun was sighing. “I’m so sorry, I don’t.”

The guy was just smiling at him. “It’s alright, I know how you feel.”

And everytime Sehun asked him about their memories, Luhan just casually smiled and said that he don’t really need to rush about remembering everything about his past. Luhan said that he need to calm down too. Luhan said that he should make another good memories instead of being stuck in the previous one. Luhan said that maybe God made him forgot just so he can remember.

‘What does that mean anyway?’ that’s what Sehun always asked inside.

“Were we classmates?” Sehun asked, gazing at Luhan, who seems a bit tired. Maybe because of his works.

Luhan managed to smile. “Of course not. I’m one year older than you. I was your senior.”

Sehun nodded. “So do I have any close friends? Except you?”

“Who told you I’m your close friend?” Luhan said that with an evil smirk.

Which replied by Sehun’s innocent eyes. “You’re not?”

Luhan laughed. Then he sighed. “Well, you actually have a close cousin, Kim Jongin.”

“Kim Jongin?” Sehun winced at how that name felt so familiar in his mouth. “Why did he never came here? Does he know I’m already awake?”

Luhan gives him a long pause before he could say some words again. “He has gone.”

“Damn. I know it.” Sehun sighed. He didn’t expect his friends to stay that long for him after all. Maybe that Kim Jongin guy was already tired of waiting for him to wake up. Maybe Luhan is the only one who waited for him. Maybe Luhan is the only one who put a faith on him for that long. “Where did he go?”

“Somewhere beautiful, maybe.” Luhan murmured. “And hey, Kyungsoo is your close friend too.”

Sehun smiled at the name. Do Kyungsoo is the guy who seems always sunny with his round eyes. He brought a lots of pastries for Sehun, and always added with a magical drink called bubble tea.

“Speaking of Kyungsoo,” Sehun said as he rest his head on Luhan’s right shoulder, as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. “He didn’t came here for days.”

“He’s busy taking care of his café. He’s opening another new one near this hospital.” Luhan explained. “Hey, once you got better, I’ll take you there, okay?”

Sehun nodded in excitement. “Thankyou, hyung.”

____

“Three days ago I asked Luhan hyung where you are, and now I’m asking you where he is.” Sehun rolled his eyeballs.

Kyungsoo laughed. “You missed him that much?”

“Well, yes, maybe, I don’t know, yes, why?” Sehun asked, “do I always like this? Missing him? Asking his whereabouts?”

“Uhm, well, you said once that you need him more than you need bubble tea.” Kyungsoo said, trying hard not to laugh.

Sehun stared at the bubble tea in his hand. “Really??”

“Luhan is dealing with some company matters right now. He’s so busy, you know.” Kyungsoo said as he scooped a spoon of pastry into his mouth, murmuring at how he should invent another variation of that pastry once he got back in his beloved heaven called kitchen. “But hey, he’s always busy.”

“Really? But he came here almost everyday.” Sehun said.

Kyungsoo smiled. “Indeed.”

Then Sehun finally understand that Luhan always came to the hospital despite being a busy CEO. Now he understand that tired face Luhan had when the deer eyed boy failed to notice that Sehun is staring at him. Whenever they talked or looked at each other, Luhan will give him a lots of bright smile and laughs, but when Sehun silently watching him from his bed, Luhan is always sighing, checking on his phone, closing his eyes while murmuring some numbers, and then put a fist in the air while humming ‘hwaiting’. Sehun can’t even understand.

Why someone angelic like Luhan exist in this world?

“Luhan?” Jongdae replied the name Sehun said to him, “he’s the special person you’ve been seeing lately?”

Sehun didn’t realized that he’s smiling widely. “Yes.”

“Oh, wonderful.” Jongdae said in excitement. “Tell me about him!”

“Well, where should I start?” Sehun murmured to himself. “He’s the most kind person I’ve ever met, I guess.”

“Hmm.” Jongdae can’t hide his own smile.

“He’s a very busy business man, yet he always came to visit me, just to accompany me and tell me a lots of stories. He never brought me food, though, he told me it’s Kyungsoo’s job. But turns out that he paid everything Kyungsoo brought for me. He made me remembered that I love bubble tea. He knows everything about me, I thought that’s just a joke, but he really knows everything about me, like what I shouldn’t eat, what I’d do every morning, he knows it” Sehun explained with a glittering eyes. “He’s amazing, right?”

“Does he told you about your past with him?” Jongdae asked.

For that, Sehun blinked. “He doesn’t, actually.”

“Really? What he has been talking about with you?”

“Just stories about his company and other stuffs.”

“Never about your past?”

Sehun find it weird to say, “never.”

____

“You’ve never told me about my past.”

Luhan stared at Sehun in silence. He didn’t do anything, just staring at him. As if Luhan knew already that someday Sehun will ask him that question. And that makes Sehun more afraid that maybe Luhan is hiding something from him.

“What’s so important about that?”

“You told me your name, your job, your hobbies, your favorite movies,” Sehun said again, “but never about my past – our past.”

“What’s so important about that?” Luhan replied that sentences again.

“That’s freaking important.” Sehun murmured, “are you hiding something from me?”

Luhan closed his eyes. “Depends on what do you mean about ‘hiding something’.”

“Are you lying to me?” Sehun asked again.

“Of course not. Why would I?” Luhan finally lost his temper. “Seriously, what makes you ask me about those stu – weird questions??”

“Because I deserve to know my past.” Sehun stated as he stared at Luhan.

Luhan didn’t smiled, nor frowned, just stay still like that. “Have you ever thought about moving on to the future instead of wandering around in your past?”

And with that, Luhan walk away and disappear in front of him.

____

It’s a gloomy day. A thousands of happy stream of waters pouring down to the earth in cockiness, rushing into everything they could get into. But umbrellas won’t let them hurt every single human. They dodge them away to the ground, and then hundreds of flower prints, Hello Kittys and Pororos are laughing all the way when the raindrops stared at them furiously.

It’s been three days since the first time Kyungsoo brought his newly invented kimchi pastry. Weird, but at least Sehun can feed his growling stomach. Besides, the older one is happy to see him eating it.

It’s been one month since Sehun finally moved back to his apartment, welcomed by a warmth aura that somehow feels so familiar to him, despite being lost about the place. His mom has already cleaned up the mess he had left. And Sehun find it weird whenever Kyungsoo come by to his place, because everytime that round eyed guy passed in front of an apartment door that only one door away from Sehun’s, the boy will look at it in a sorrowful way, as if the door holds a thousands of sadness.

It’s been two months since the last time Luhan appeared in Sehun’s life. And Sehun has to admit that the feeling he got is not pleasing at all. He missed him like hell. Turns out that Luhan has already became his air that he needed so bad. Luhan has became more important than the food Kyungsoo stuffed him with. Luhan. Luhan. Luhan.

Until one night, Sehun sighed in relief that his agony is finally ended.

It happened too fast. He heard a soft knock at the front door. He opened it and found Luhan is standing like a statue. The next thing he know, his vision became so blur because a stream of salty liquid is rushing out from his eyes, as if they missed Luhan too. Well, that’s completely normal, because every single cell in Sehun’s body misses the Luhan so much, so much that even when Sehun touched Luhan’s face, he feel like he’s going to explode.

And here they are, laying on Sehun’s bed, staring at the ceiling, Luhan’s hand intertwined in Sehun’s slender fingers.

“Hyung,” Sehun whispered, “why don’t you do me a favor?”

“Hmm?” Luhan mumbled.

“Help me with remembering my past,” Sehun said, “our past.”

Luhan looked at him, “are you sure?”

Sehun nodded. “Yes. And you could start with your story!”

Luhan chuckled. He sighed. “Me? Well, I was working as a waiter at Kyungsoo’s café.” Luhan started.

“Really??” Sehun asked in excitement.

Luhan laughed. “Yeah. And it was really fun to serve people, and get dollars by your own sweat.” he added, “but one day, I told Kyungsoo that I’ve finally accepted my dad’s offer. I agreed to be the new CEO in his company. Not because I don’t want to be a waiter anymore, but my dad needed my help, so I agreed.”

“Kyungsoo was afraid that I’ve became someone who’s greedy of money and power.” Luhan added again, “so he rejected the idea and begged me to wake up. I told him I’m fully wake up, but he told me that maybe I’m going to be someone who don’t care about humanity anymore because of my work. He said the Luhan he know is always trying to be normal. And I was so angry to him. He don’t understand me, I told my self. But Kyungsoo was just plainly worried about me.”

Luhan lets out a sigh before he continued. “I was so angry that I dragged you out with me from the café.”

“Me? I was there??” Sehun blinked.

“Yeah, you were unfortunately there.” Luhan said in a sorrowful way. “Jongin was there too.”

“Jongin?” Sehun replied the name, “what happened with us?”

“I don’t really remember. A giant truck came so fast from the left. Jongin rushed into the street stupidly to save us. The giant truck hit us. And we got into coma, while Jongin was safe.”

“We got into coma??” Sehun said in disbelief, “you and me? So it wasn’t just me??”

Luhan nodded. “I woke up two years later while you’re still in coma. Jongin was still walking here and there, but unfortunately, he got brain cancer because of the accident.”

As if Sehun could sense the next thing, he asked in a ver low voice. “What happened to him?”

“He died, two years ago. You woke up at the second anniversary of his death.” Luhan said again.

Sehun could only hold his breath. “Oh God..”

“I’m so sorry Sehun-ah..” Luhan’s voice sounds so aching, desperate, weak. “If only I didn’t dragged you along to the street, all of us won’t be like this, I’m so sorry, I’m – “

“No, it’s not your fault. I was never your fault.”

“How do you know? You don’t even remember anything.”

“Well, yeah, I don’t remember.” Sehun murmured, “but Kyungsoo always said that you’ll tell me that and I should tell you that it’s not your fault.”

“Do you think that’s my fault?”

Sehun winced. “Sometimes life can be too harsh, right?”

____

“This was Jongin’s apartment.” Kyungsoo murmured. He pointed at the door not so far from them, “and that was Luhan’s.”

“So we were neighbors too??” Sehun asked in disbelief.

Kyungsoo nodded. He stared at the key in his hand, and opened the front door slowly. He sighed as he stepped in, followed by Sehun who’s curious about his cousin’s apartment.

The apartment is neat enough. Though there’s a thin layer of dust here and there. “It’s my fault, I didn’t came here for three months, too busy with the new café.” Kyungsoo said, then he laughed to Sehun, “too busy to babysit you.”

Sehun chuckled as he gazed at some photo frames at the desk. He stared at it one by one. He’s amazed at how he found Kim Jongin has such a different vibe from his expressions. There’s one photo where he just stand still, didn’t even smiled, and he looked like someone who don’t really interested in anything. But next to it is him and Sehun himself, smiling widely with Sehun’s head rested on his right shoulder, being locked with his arm. There’s also a photo of him, Sehun, and Luhan, holding pizzas as they laughed to each other. And the last frame contains a photo of Jongin and Kyungsoo, with Kyungsoo’s head rested at the crook of Jongin’s neck, smiling softly to the camera while Jongin glanced at him, in such a dearly way.

“He was the one who always worried about you.” Kyungsoo said when he found that Sehun is staring at the photo frames. “He considered you as his twin, after all. He considered you as the only family he got.”

“His parents?” Sehun asked.

Kyungsoo sighed. “He ran from home when he was seventeen. Well, he lived in your house before three of you moved into this apartment building,” he answered, “hey, you meet his elder brother frequently.”

“Huh? Really?”

“Yes, you know your psychiatrist Kim Jongdae?”

Sehun frowned. “He’s Jongin’s brother??”

“Yeah.” Kyungsoo chuckled. “Have you ever think about why he was so caring and protective to you? It’s because you reminds him that Jongin was in his life too. He missed Jongin so much but Jongin never knew that. Jongin thought his family hates him already.” Kyungsoo explained as he traced his finger at Jongin’s face at the photograph. “His parents was just too hard on him, and his brother couldn’t do anything back then.”

Sehun feel his heart is aching at the older one’s explanation about his cousin. How could someone who looked bold and numb like Jongin held so much pain and sadness with him?

“I know he’s not okay at the first time we met.” Kyungsoo sit down at the couch, gazing at the ceiling. “His eyes displays so much darkness and pain. And I can’t help but keep staring at him, so eager to help him.”

“And you did?”

Kyungsoo smiled. “Maybe.”

“So what happened when I was in coma and Luhan hyung came back to Seoul?” Sehun asked as he sit down next to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo didn’t answered at first. “Well, Jongin kept visiting you as always, often with me, your mom were always there too, your father always came at night, nothing really changed.”

“And Luhan hyung?”

“Luhan doesn’t know anything back then. Once he found out, he came to the hospital and keep coming back day by day.”

Sehun winced. “How could he doesn’t know that I was in coma?”

“He got minor amnesia. He doesn’t remember anything about the accident until I told him everything. Poor Luhan, actually. He was too shocked when he know that you’re still in coma.”

“But he could’ve just asked about me to you, right? I mean, he would ask you about my whereabouts if he didn’t met me, right?” Sehun asked again.

Kyungsoo coughed. “Hey, want some tea?”

____

“Another medical test??” Sehun frowned.

Doctor Wu is just smiling at him. And he knows that smile. A smile he would show whenever he’s hiding something from him. He only needed four months to learn about his very own doctor. Even when the doctor insisted the he need to get back and stay at the hospital again for a couple weeks, he knows that Wu Yifan is hiding something from him. “Just to make sure that you’re ready to get out from this cage. Aren’t you excited?”

Sehun sniffed. “And that was the fifth time you said that. Well, doc, I was excited at the first time, but I don’t believe you anymore.”

“Let’s just be ready for the test, okay?” the tall towering Doctor Wu hold the door knob as he glanced at Sehun. “Just have some rest. We’ll do the test at nine o’clock. Remember, rest, don’t chat too much with Luhan.”

Sehun rolled his eyeballs as the doctor closed the door. He sighed, staring at his cellphone, as if it holds every secrets of life. He stared, waiting for a name to appear. Waiting for a combination of character ‘Lu’ and ‘Han’ to appear. But as minutes passes, the name didn’t appeared at all.

Sehun was just about to fall asleep when the door opened softly, revealing a guy with deer eyes and light brown mushroom hair. His face looks tired and exhausted. He didn’t know that Sehun is still awake. He dropped his weight at the couch near him, pinching his nose bone, sighing heavily. Sehun watched every moves secretly, trying to look like he’s sleeping, which is not hard because his eyes always looks sleepy and about to close.

“God..” Luhan sighed, “these are too much..”

Sehun winced. The room is dark, but Sehun don’t really need lights to tell that Luhan is sobbing. He don’t really need lights to tell that Luhan is scratching his head in stress, cupping his mouth with his right hand, trying not to wake the younger up.

He don’t really need lights to tell that Luhan is in pain.

____

“How are you?”

Sehun stared at Luhan. He’s smiling so brightly, his face looks sunny as always. There’s no hint of tears and cry that he clearly saw – or heard – two hours ago. Here they are, at Sehun’s room again, after two hours of medical test.

“Fine, I guess?” Sehun chuckled.

“The test must be exhausting for you.” Luhan said, “want me to buy some bubble tea? Kyungsoo’s new café is totally near from here.”

Sehun want to shook his head and tell the hyung to stay with him, but somehow he nodded. “A cup of bubble tea is nice too.”

“We met when we were toddlers, I guess.” Luhan said once he got back, sitting next to Sehun with a cup of chocolate bubble tea in his hand. “Our parents, they’re friends ever since they’re in high school.”

“Really??” Sehun said after he sipped his vanilla bubble tea, “but mom never told me that.”

Luhan chuckled. “At first you were scared of me, of my eyes. You said it’s too wide or too round, I can’t remember, but the point is, you were scared of me.”

Sehun frowned. How could he felt scared of that angelic Luhan?

“But then, a few days later, I asked you to play with me, and you said yes. Then, for the very first time, you smiled at me, deciding that you’re not afraid of me anymore. And little Jongin was just so angry because the next few months you ditched him because you wanted to play with me only. He cried to his mom, telling her that you don’t love him anymore.

“However, three of us became best friends. And that’s how we started our friendship.” Luhan said as he closed his eyes. “Good memories.”

“Was I a good friend to you?” Sehun asked.

Luhan nodded. “Of course!” he chirped. “Though you don’t remember anything about me, but you were the one who know me the most. We know each other the most.”

Sehun sighed. “Really?”

“Hmm.” Luhan nodded again, “I don’t think I can explain because there’s so much thing I need to say if I’m going to explain that.”

After a long silence, finally Sehun asked the question he was unsure about. “Hyung, that time, when you didn’t know that I was in coma,” he started, “why it took so long for you to know about me?”

“What do you mean?” Luhan didn’t look at him. He kept staring at his bubble tea.

“Kyungsoo said that you know about me when he told you about the comatose. I mean, why didn’t you tried to find me? Why did you waited for Kyungsoo to tell you?”

“I don’t understand, Sehun-ah.”

“I mean, you could’ve find out yourself about my whereabouts if you tried to find me, but you didn’t. So at the time when you don’t know about the comatose, you were just living simply without asking where I am, right?”

Sehun failed to notice a change on Luhan’s face. Darker, and darker, freezing. Even every fingertips of Luhan’s hand starts to freeze too. Sehun failed to hear Luhan’s heartbeat, going faster and faster. Even Luhan’s hand is trembling now.

“I was dealing with something that I forgot to ask Kyungsoo or my mom about you.” was all Luhan got.

Sehun is not really satisfied at the answer, but he chose to just agreed with it. Not because he don’t want to know about it more, but because he know something is not right, judging by how shaky Luhan’s voice was.

____

“Welcome to KAI café!!” a girl with sunny face welcomed Sehun and Luhan as they stepped into the café. Luhan was right, the café is so close to the hospital. And the decoration is really comfy. Simple, yet it gives you a warm aura. All decorated in the harmony of light brown and dark brown.

And the owner, the guy with doe eyes and sunny smile, greeted them with a chirpy voice. “I know you guys will come today!!”

“So, ‘KAI Café’, huh?” Sehun said when they’re finally sitting at the corner of the room, at the comfy couch, table for four. “You said the another one is ‘D.O. Café’, from your family name, ‘Do’. But what’s with ‘KAI’?”

Kyungsoo lets out a melancholic smile. “’KAI’ was a name invented by Jongin. He said once that he likes that name so much.” he said, then he chuckled, “a name he would go on with if somehow he became someone famous.”

And suddenly Sehun felt so sorry for asking that.

“I’ll get you guys some pastries, okay? Wait for me.” Kyungsoo beamed a smile as he stood up and walk away until he disappears behind the kitchen door. Sehun sighed. Then he looked at Luhan.

“You said you’ve got something to say to me.” Sehun said in a low voice.

It took a while before Luhan murmured something. “China.”

Sehun winced. “Huh?”

“I’m leaving.” Luhan added. “To China.”

“What??”

“Next week.” Luhan added again. “I’m leaving to China next week.”

“What the – “

“Business, as always.” Lunan said with a laugh. “I’m wondering if I should start to find a heir to do my job. It’s just too much.”

“You’re leaving to China??” Sehun snorted.

Luhan blinked, then he nodded. “Yeah, I said that a few seconds ago.”

“Are you telling me that you’re going to leave me?” Sehun’s voice is shaky, “f-for how long?”

It took a long pause for Luhan to answer. “Maybe forever.”

“You’re leaving me forever??” Sehun can’t even understand why Luhan said that crucial thing like telling a light gossip.

“I’m sorry Sehun, but everything has settled up.” Luhan said as he sipped his bubble tea, “you’ll be just fine.”

“No, no, you can’t just – “

“Instead of complaining about that, why don’t we use the next precious seven days to enjoy our time, it would be nicer, right?”

Sehun can’t even nod at that agreement. Everything is happening to fast that he can’t register it properly into his head. The few seconds ago Luhan was telling him that he’s going to leave forever, and then he told him that they need to use the rest seven days properly.

“Why are you doing this to me, hyung?” Sehun’s voice are still trembling and sorrowful.

Luhan just stares. He know what Sehun mean. “What?”

“You’re telling me that you’re leaving me for good, but you said that as if you won’t be sad if I’m not there next to you,” those words are flowing from Sehun’s lips without a doubt, “am I really nothing to you??”

Before Luhan could even say a word, Sehun stood up and run away, finding his way to get out from the café without looking back.

No, no, Sehun-ah, tears suddenly escaped from Luhan’s eyes, you’re everything to me.

_____

It’s been five days since the last time he saw Luhan’s face. Two days left before Luhan leave him forever, as what that guy said. He still can’t believe how Luhan behaved that day. It seems like leaving him is an easy thing for Luhan. As if it won’t matters if he leave Sehun alone. No, Luhan is not like that. But why was he behaving like that?

“Just forgive him.”

Sehun frowned. “What??” he snorted. That tiny psychiatric, is telling him that he need to forgive the guy who already tore his heart in pieces?

“You’ll never know what was inside his head,” Jongdae said in a calm way, as always. “Maybe he’s doing a good thing for you.”

Sehun scowled. “Leaving me is a good thing for me??”

“You’ll never know the truth.” Jongdae said.

“And then I should try to find out the truth??”

“Sometimes you don’t need to prove anything to be sure about something.”

“I don’t understand!!”

Jongdae sighed. He wrote something on his note, closed it, and take off his glasses. “You may go now. You’re going to have another medical test tomorrow. You should take some rest.”

“I don’t even know why I’m dealing with a lots of weird tests.” Sehun sniffed as he laid his back at the couch he’s sitting on.

“It’s for the upcoming surgery, remember?” Jongdae said.

“And I don’t even know why I’m going to have that surgery. My mom won’t tell me. Even you won’t tell me. That tower Wu Yifan won’t tell me either. Hey, it’s my body, is it a sin for me to know what you guys are going to do with my body??”

“Sehun, just relax,” Jongdae said, “once the surgery has done, you’ll be as healthy as ever.”

“Am I not healthy right now??” Sehun asked furiously.

Surprisingly, a nervous smile engraved on Jongdae’s face. “Of course you are.”

The night after the medical test is crucially cold. Lonely. As what Sehun has been dealing with for the last six days. Yes, six days since the last time Sehun saw that guy with deer eyes and mushroom hair. That angelic face. The guy who told him that he’s going to leave him for good. And ironically, Sehun is missing him so badly.

Sehun covered his entire body with the thick blanket he brought from home. Still cold. Even with a thick jacket in his upper body, even with the sweats that rolling down his head, he felt so cold. Too cold. His body felt so warm, yet his heart felt so cold.

But then he gasped when suddenly he felt a movement behind him. His heart jumps when a tiny hand slips through his arm, finding its way to his tummy, hugging him gently from the back. He want to scream, but a soft scent of chocolate rushed into his nose. The scent of chocolate bubble tea?

“Hyung..” Sehun’s voice sound surprisingly hoarse and desperate.

“Hmm?” he relieved when he heard the typical hum of Luhan.

“What are you doing here??” suddenly he cried. He cried helplessly. “Why now?? Where were you the last six days?? Where were you??”

“I’m sorry.” is all Luhan could say.

“Why are you leaving me alone?? Why are you doing this to me?? Why hyung?? Why??”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” and then Luhan cried too. “I’m so so sorry.”

“You know I can’t be without you,” Sehun struggled to talk in the mid of his sobs, “you know I need you, hyung.”

“I know, I’m sorry, hyung is so so sorry.”

They both don’t know how long they had been crying before they fell asleep, with Luhan’s arm tightly embracing Sehun’s body, his hand gripping on the younger’s shirt, as if holding Sehun in his arms is equal with keeping his heart beating.

Which is, ironically true.

____

“You’ll be just fine.” Luhan smiled widely.

Sehun winced. “How do you know?”

“I just know.” Luhan casually answered as he sits next to Sehun, his eyes gazing on the sky through the window of Sehun’s hospital room. “Everything will be fine, I’m sure.”

“I hoped you’ll be there when the surgery has done and I woke up.” Sehun said, “which is not going to happen at all.”

Luhan smiled apologetically. “I wish I could be there too.”

Just right when Sehun wanted to speak, Luhan looked at his phone. “Oh, time to go.” Luhan said as he stood up. He stared at Sehun, not sure what to say.

It’s Sehun who finally break the silence. “Are you really leaving?” his voice is low, deep, full of emotion.

Luhan bite his lips before he forced a smile. “Yes.”

“But why?” Sehun asked as he stood up too, almost pleaded, “why won’t you help me?”

“You’re perfectly fine. You don’t need any help.” Luhan said as he turn away his gaze from the younger one.

Sehun frowned. “But – “

“Goodbye, Oh Sehun. I’ll text you once I’m arrived in China.” Luhan smiled. But he failed to make it looks sincere, because his eyes is teary right now.

“But my memories, you told me you’ll help me find it!” Sehun said desperately. “Why, hyung, why don’t you want me to remember you?!”

Luhan can’t say anything. No, it’s not what he mean. It’s not like he don’t want Sehun to remember him. No, he want Sehun to remember everything of him. But the reality won’t let him.

“Sometimes,” Luhan whispered in sorrow, “memories are meant to be forgotten.”

“But not ours!” Sehun screamed in stress. “Hyung, why are you so – “

Sehun’s words are freezing in his mouth, as a stream of crucial warmth rushed through his skin, from the very own body of Luhan. He didn’t move even a bit when Luhan’s arms pulled him into a heartbreaking hug, their shoulders are shaky. They’re crying. Cursing at the reality, and crying.

“Will you miss me?” Luhan’s voice sounds so low, almost blended with the cold air around them.

Sehun nodded slowly. Like, duh, isn’t it clear enough?

“Will you cry for me?” Luhan asked again.

“You want me to cry for you?” Sehun asked back in a hoarse voice.

Luhan nodded. “Cry for me. But don’t cry for me because you’re missing me. Cry for me so when we meet again, there’ll be no tears, only smiles and laughs. Cry for me until there’s no more tears to come out and you don’t have any choice but laugh, cry for me until your face is tired of crying and you decided to just smile because crying is so freaking damn tiring.”

Sehun frowned at the weird preference, but he nodded after all.

“Goodbye, my love,” Luhan whispered in a pure sorrow, “goodbye.”

____

It’s been a whole monotonous year since the last time Sehun saw Luhan. That guy is obviously busy in China, judging by how he ditched his promise to send Sehun a text when he arrived in the other land. Sehun was so angry and disappointed at first, but Kyungsoo was always there, telling him that ‘anything could happen, who knows he lost his phone and every contact he had or it fell from the plane, who knows?’. And Sehun could only agreed with him.

But it has been freaking one year.

Sehun always ditched away any bad thoughts of Luhan. Maybe he got a very serious matters in China, so he can’t be bothered even with a text. Sehun always said hwaiting to himself, and trying to be sure that Luhan is doing well too.

He missed Luhan, obviously. He missed him so bad. But surprisingly, it’s not really that painful, as what he felt when Luhan didn’t come to him for months.

“You know, everytime I miss hyung,” Sehun said once to Kyungsoo when they’re having lunch together at a restaurant, “somehow my heart will beat so calm, as if it’s telling me that hyung is doing well and I shouldn’t be worry about him. Corny enough, huh?”

Sehun failed to notice Kyungsoo’s nervous smile.

“It’s like, I miss him, but my heartbeat can cure it, as if I could feel hyung’s presence too.”

“Of course you could,” Kyungsoo murmured so low, but it still catches Sehun’s ears, “Luhan is beating inside you.”

Sehun could’ve laughed at those words if only he didn’t see Kyungsoo’s way-too-serious-to-joke face.

___________________