I had locked him out of my life while Daesung comforted him about his troubles.

I had forgotten everything and put him into danger while Daesung had been his stronghold.

I had been a burden when Daesung had been a support in times of need.

I was inadequate while Daesung was perfect for Seunghyun.

I deserved nothing; he deserved everything.

--

Jiyong.

Someone was knocking my door, in time to the drumming in my head.

As if I were in a departing airplane, my head throbbed and my ears hurt. The imbalance in pressure in a take-off was akin to the imbalance in my feelings, the pain from the departure the same as the pain in my heart.

I had followed my heart, and it had told me I loved Seunghyun.

But it was wrong.

I did not love Seunghyun, and Seunghyun definitely did not love me. He loved Daesung.

Why, then, did Seunghyun kiss me?

And why was it familiar?

I hugged my chest from the pain. Because of the agony I was going through, I didn’t notice the change in my surroundings until someone touched my shoulder.

The hand was cold and calm, contrasting with my burning hot skin and disparate to my chaotic feelings.

For a moment I accepted it and the temporary comfort it offered, but it was a moment too long.

“Jiyong?”

I cringed, hearing and recognizing the voice. In response, I only buried my head further in the covers of my bed. The bed dipped down near me and I knew Seunghyun had sat down.

“Talk to me, Ji. I know something’s wrong.”

My lip trembled as I heard this. Who would care for a pitiful person like me, especially when that same person already has one to love? Why would he lead me on like this? Unable to contain my tears, I began weeping silently.

His hand began making its journey up and down my back. I felt my muscles slowly relaxing, comforted by the rhythm of the massage and the calming effect of the voice.

“Jiyong, I love you.”

I froze.

What did he just say?

“Don’t you remember?” The voice broke, shaking with emotion. “What we had between us?”

I was confused. Didn’t he love Daesung? Why was he suddenly confessing to me?

“Jiyong, please look at me. ‘Let me see your face, one last time.’” Seunghyun whispered, holding my shoulder.

Let me see your face, one last time… Where had I heard that before? With the sudden strain on my brain came a new wave of pain in my head. My vision began to go dark, and the last thing I felt before passing out was Seunghyun’s cheek on my shoulder, wet with tears.

--

Seunghyun.

I talked to him softly, hoping he would forgive me for whatever I did and turn around to talk to me.

I recalled a similar situation a few weeks (or was it years?) ago, right before he went into the operation that saved his life but destroyed his memories.

Desperate to recall Jiyong to the present, I used the same phrase I used in that narrow hospital hallway.

“Jiyong,” I said, “Please look at me. ‘Let me see your face, one last time.’” When still no response was received from him, I laid my face on his shoulder, crying slightly. “Jiyong, why won’t you look at me? Why won’t you remember?” I knew I was cruel to expect Jiyong to remember everything, but I wanted to know why he couldn’t at least try. “Jiyong,” I said, exhausted with pleading. “Why are you doing this to me?”

With my cheek on his shoulder, I could tell he was shaking. Was he really that afraid of me?

Trying not to scare him, I slowly rotated his face toward mine, and realized he was… asleep.

Shocked, but pleasantly so, I chuckled to myself. Somehow I had calmed him down enough that he would fall asleep, even after looking like he was petrified by just my presence?

The good feeling didn’t last though, as I noticed his skin was burning with fever. “Jiyong…?” I frowned in concern, knowing he had just recovered from multiple illnesses and gunshot wounds.

Not knowing what else to do, I tucked Jiyong into bed and sat near him, waiting patiently for him to wake up.

--

Without even realizing it, Seunghyun slowly drifted off to sleep, exhausted from all the events that had taken place that day. When he woke up, multiple hours had already passed and Jiyong was still asleep.

Well, I just slept for a few hours, and I didn’t even receive any wounds, Seunghyun thought to himself. It would be natural for someone who has gone through as much as Jiyong has to sleep for an entire day.

He considered calling the rest to help him with Jiyong, because his condition seemed to have gotten worse. Though only warm before, his fever had increased almost to a scorching temperature. Recalling Jiyong’s favoritism toward Taeyang and the jealousy that burned in his heart because of it, however, caused Seunghyun to decide against it. Jiyong isn’t that sick, Seunghyun thought to himself. He’ll be fine without Taeyang’s help.

A voice interrupted his thoughts. “Seung— ah…”

Seunghyun immediately snapped to attention. Did Jiyong just call his name in his sleep?

“I, Seunghyun, I--” Jiyong frowned in his sleep, turning his head away from Seunghyun.

Though still concerned, Seunghyun felt a sort of happiness just from the fact that Jiyong was dreaming about him.

--

Jiyong.

As the world I knew faded to black, a new world came into view.

 I found myself in a messy boy’s dorm, food and articles of clothing scattered everywhere. Though I knew nothing about it, I was sure it was not a newly-moved in apartment.

Something was off about it, however. It seemed like the cabinets were unnaturally high, and the floor was unusually low. I gasped, suddenly realizing I was floating above my new surroundings. I must be having a dream, I thought to myself. I quickly snapped my head to the door as I heard it open.

A man walked into the room, wearing thick glasses and barking orders. “Big Bang, assemble!” Almost immediately a group of five boys appeared, and the man began lecturing them.

“Ne, Manager-sshi…” I recognized my own voice. Almost unable to believe it, I floated over to myself. I looked much younger, with brown hair instead of my multicolored hair now. Standing next to myself was an overly familiar face – Taeyang! I recognized Seunghyun, Daesung and Seungri also in the line-up, and realized that this must be a flash-back from before we were famous.

The manager looked sternly at us (or them?) and said, “You all know your debut is nearing. We need to get into shape and learn everything.” A line of heads bobbed up and down, filled with young enthusiasm.

The man then walked to Seunghyun, nearly pushing him down. “And you! You better shape up with the dance, or you’ll be kicked out of this group!” I almost busted out in laughter. There was no way anyone would dare to face him that way now, as the untouchable Top of Big Bang.

Seunghyun nodded seriously, wringing his hands nervously. I saw my past self shoot a glance at him, obviously concerned for Seunghyun. I wasn’t surprised; I would probably have been worried for him too.

Without warning space began to warp again, this time teleporting me to a new location. Dazed, I looked around and recognized the hallways of the YG building. Uwah, I thought to myself, this is where the idols always lounged while Taeyang and I cleaned up the dance practice rooms…

Suddenly, I saw myself rush into the hallway, Seunghyun in tow. It almost looked like Seunghyun was close to tears, and though I knew it was a dream I still felt my heart break. My past self abruptly turned and stared at Seunghyun, face expressionless. Seunghyun started sniffling slightly, and said, “I’m sorry Jiyong, I’m letting you down, but there’s no way I can learn those dance steps,” Seunghyun took a deep breath and added, “so I may as well quit the group before things get too bad.”

I held my breath, not sure how my past self would act. When he drew closer to Seunghyun, I realized there was a special glint in his eye – undoubtedly a sign of love toward Seunghyun. A voice began speaking, as if it were over the intercom.

How could I let Seunghyun cry like this? There’s no way I’ll let him leave the group, we need him! Heck, I need him!

Ah, it must be my past thoughts.

I… I love him. I can’t imagine life without him.

Shocked, I covered my mouth with my hands. My past self loved Seunghyun before he loved me?

Past-Ji walked up to Seunghyun, awkwardly wrapping him in a hug. “Seunghyun, I know you can do it. I can give you private lessons or something, just please don’t leave Big Bang. It wouldn’t be the same without you.”

I barely had time to say Awww, in my head when the scenery changed again.

This time, it was in a hospital I recognized. A doctor and I were sitting in a normal hospital ward, going over my recent physical test results. Though the chatter was at first light and amiable, things took a more serious tone as the doctor leaned forward and folded his hands together.

“Jiyong, we need to talk.”

My past self looked around and scratched his head, frowning. “We are, aren’t we?”

I almost fell out of the sky (can dream-people do that?) at this horrible joke. I couldn’t believe I was like that back then.

The doctor seemed to be having the same thoughts as me, doing a mental face palm and then turning back to Jiyong. “You have a chronic illness.”

I was shocked, in the present and in the past. I had an illness all the way back then?

“The only reason it hasn’t come up until now is because you haven’t been under extreme stress. But now that you’re getting into the singing career, high and constant stress is a guarantee.”

The doctor looked up, into my past self’s eyes. “This means you either choose to possibly shorten your life or drop the show biz.”

If I drop out of Big Bang it’s almost a 100% chance that I won’t ever see or contact Seunghyun again, I heard my past self think.

So that was the reason I stayed with Big Bang and risked my life…

“I’m going to stick with my career. I’ve gotten so far and I’m so close to fulfilling my dream that losing my life seems insignificant,” I heard myself say. “I hope you’ll respect my decision, doctor.”

The doctor sighed, as if he knew it would happen all along. “Don’t make me say ‘I told you so,’ okay? Stay healthy and make sure to follow all the guidelines I gave you.”

My past self nodded with such vigor even I was convinced he would be just fine.

The location stayed static, but the people flickered and changed, indicating a change in time. My face looked a little paler than before, and the doctor looked just a tad bit more stressed. I checked the calendar on the wall: a week after the last appointment.

My past-self cast his eyes down, wringing his hands. “I’ve been having more frequent chest pain and the pain is worse. What does this mean, doctor?”

The doctor took my hand, locking eye contact with me. “Jiyong, I’m sorry to say this, but your life span has decreased to maybe a few years, at most. Are you sure you still want to continue with your career path?”

Past-Ji didn’t hesitate to nod his head so violently that I thought his head would fall off. Apparently, the doctor had the same concern and laid his hand on Jiyong’s shoulder, calming him down. “Alright, I got it, Jiyong. Just make sure you eat these pills…” the doctor’s voice began to fade and I couldn’t understand why.

In just a blink of an eye, I was in a new location. This time, Seunghyun and I were in an awkward position, pressed up each other in the hallway of the dorm I had previously seen. Our breaths were hot and quick, both of our faces were flushed red with embarrassment – or was it excitement?

Oh my god, I’m so close to Seunghyun right now, I heard my past self think. I think I’m getting …

I almost fell out of the air again. How could I have been so erted back then? I felt embarrassed for myself, and was glad that normal people couldn’t read thoughts.

“Jiyong,” Seunghyun whispered in my ear, “I need to tell you something.”

I held my breath, scared something would go wrong in this fragile encounter.

“Jiyong, I love you. Please be mine.”

I had to cover my ears, as an ear-piercing voice began screaming.

Seunghyun loves me?! Wha- when? Omygod, I can’t believe it, my past self nearly screamed in his mind.

I realized what was happening. This was when Seunghyun confessed to me, this was the moment Seunghyun wished I had remembered. But what was that about the time that I confessed?

But, I heard my voice say, with less enthusiasm, I’m going to die soon. I can’t put him through the strife of losing a loved one.

My past self shoved Seunghyun away, voice shaking as he squeaked, “Sorry, but I can’t return your feelings, Seunghyun.”

Seunghyun looked devastated. He lunged forward, capturing past-me in a back-hug to prevent his escape. “Can’t you at least give me a chance to make you fall in love with me?”

I’m already in love with you, I heard my voice hiss. That’s the whole problem here…

“No,” I heard myself say, tears running down his cheeks. “I can’t, I’m sorry Seunghyun. I hope we can still stay friends.”

The last thing I saw was Seunghyun’s heart-broken expression before the scene shifted again, this time to a bedroom. It was still dark out, so I assumed it was quite late at night, seeing as how the figure in the bed was asleep.

A drunk me stumbled into the room, and I heard Seunghyun stir in his sleep. “Who’s there,” he called, sleepily.

Suddenly, the past me straddled Seunghyun and I flinched despite knowing it was a dream.

Surprisingly, Seunghyun kept his cool. After sighing, he said “Jiyong… do you need some water or something?” After a pause, he demanded an answer. “Jiyong. Do you need anything? If not, please… let me sleep.”

My past self leaned in, whispering something I couldn’t hear. Apparently, Seunghyun couldn’t either, as he said, “Excuse me?”

“Seung… I want you. I’m so ,” I heard myself whine.

I clapped my hand over my mouth. What the hell was I thinking?

Tonight’s my last night, I heard my voice say. I’ll give Seunghyun what he wanted the most and then disappear, so I won’t hurt him.

I could barely believe my thought process. “What he wanted the most”? Did I seriously used to think that Seunghyun only wanted me for my body? Immediately, my limbs felt like lead. I couldn’t believe myself, that I would do such a thing to Seunghyun. I had wronged Seunghyun in a way unimaginable. Before, I thought I was undeserving. Now, I knew there was no way a wretch like me deserved his love.

The scene flickered and another scene faded in, this time not as vivid as the others. I spotted my broken figure, slumped over a duffel bag in an abandoned subway, Daesung crouching near me and saying my name urgently. “Jiyong, can you hear me? Jiyong?”

I thick smoke enveloped me, and I was forced to walk in order to escape the horrible fumes.

I could barely see what was going on as I stumbled into a new location. I was again in a hospital, though it was one that I had never seen before. “Jiyong,” I heard Seunghyun say, voice cracking and full of sadness. “At least let me see your face, one last time.”

I gasped, recognizing the phrase. It was the same as the one that Seunghyun had used right before I reached this dream-like state.

Through a veil of smoke and with fast fading light I saw myself turn and Seunghyun’s cheek. “…I love you too, Seungie.”

As Seunghyun’s grip loosened from my past self’s hand, my vision blurred and I felt myself getting up, into a blinding light.

--

Seunghyun.

It had already been a full two days since Jiyong last opened his eyes, and I couldn’t hide his condition from Taeyang anymore.

“Where is Jiyong?” he demanded, wrestling me for passage into Jiyong’s room. “What have you done to him?”

“Bae, calm down! He’s fine, he’s just--” I tried to say, only to be cut off by Taeyang.

“Are you kidding me?” Taeyang yelled, voice desperate. “I haven’t seen him at all for two days already! How could everything be fine?” I tried to explain but my words died in my throat, knowing that Taeyang spoke the truth.

Taeyang pushed past me and busted into Jiyong’s room, immediately rushing to his side. Feeling his forehead and checking his pulse, Taeyang me. “How long has he had such a high fever?” he yelled, grabbing me by the collar.

Shocked by his outburst, I stumbled over my words. “H-he’s been like this ever since I went in to talk to him a few days ago…”

Taeyang gritted his teeth and asked, his voice dangerously soft, “Why didn’t you call anyone to help?”

I lowered my head, knowing what I did was childish and stupid. I swallowed, unable to form words of apology.

“Never mind that,” Taeyang said, aggravated by my irresponsibility. “Stay here and make sure his condition doesn’t get worse. I’ll be right back.”

Confused but obedient, I knelt at Jiyong’s side and waited for Taeyang’s return.

Taeyang arrived minutes later, a strange concoction in hand. He held the liquid under Jiyong’s nose and waited, and soon Jiyong began to cough.

I gazed on in amazement. Since when did Taeyang get the ability to make potions to revive people?

Jiyong’s eyes fluttered open, and he muttered, “What is that horrible smell…?”

Taeyang nearly cried out in joy and embraced Jiyong, while shooting me a dangerous glare. “Jiyong, you’ve been knocked out for nearly two days! Don’t scare me like that!”

Jiyong looked confused and shocked. “T-two days, huh,” he mumbled, looking around as if he didn’t believe his surroundings.

As soon as he made eye-contact with me, however, he seemed jarred from his stupor. “A-ah, Seunghyun,” he stuttered, recoiling slightly. I stared at him, heartbroken. Why did he recoil when he saw me…?

“It’s okay Jiyong, I’m here. It’s okay now,” Taeyang said, gently rubbing Jiyong’s back.

At this, I reached my breaking point. With one swift motion, I shut the door behind me as I stalked out of the room.

--

Forgive me, my wonderful readers. All the other authors were doing double and triple updates for Christmas and I just D:

But I actually wrote a longer chapter than the last one. Hope it made up for the absence of a Christmas update you liked it!