Shedding tears of my own, I leaned in to kiss him on the nose. “Ji, can you hear me now? It’s Seunghyun.”

Tears of what I hoped was recognition slipped down his face as I wrapped him in a bear hug.

“It’s you.”

 --

Seunghyun.

He left this world without even knowing the truth.

It was weeks after Jiyong had been shot and released from the hospital, but I was still haunted by that phrase.

What wasn’t Jiyong telling me? Did he secretly hate me, or hold some grudge against me? No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t think of anything I had done to harm him in the present nor in the past.

What was ‘the truth’?

He tried to hide it, but I knew Jiyong had amnesia. It broke my heart that he didn’t remember the times we spent together or the confession I made to him.

But most importantly, I was saddened by the fact he didn’t remember his confession to me.

Right before the operation he had uttered – and I had heard it clearly – I love you too, Seungie.

And now, now he was saying that I ‘died’ without knowing the truth? Did this mean he loved me still?

These questions haunted me, gnawed at me from the inside, threatening to eat me alive.

--

Taeyang.

Jiyong hadn’t been the same after that last incident.

His memory had already been destroyed by the operation for his chronic disease, but this time… he seemed even more out of shape.

For weeks after his discharge from the hospital, he had simply locked himself in his room, oblivious to the outside world. At first, we tried to call to him when he was doing this, but now we just accepted it, though we worried profusely.

No one really knew what he was doing in his room or why he sat in there for hours on end, but we were convinced something was wrong with him. When he came out of the room he was always disjointed and confused, leaving us equally confused and tremendously worried.

--

Jiyong.

I sat in my room, sun warm on my back and my hand pressed against my lips. A million questions flew through my mind, all impossible to answer.

Why was Seunghyun suddenly here?

How did he get into the same group as me?

Why did he kiss me?

No matter how many times I asked myself, I had no answers. I could only remember those silken lips on mine, jarring me to reality and relief that Seunghyun was still alive.

I could have just shrugged it off as an act of desperation to save me, but one more thing bothered me: the familiarity of his lips and the longing in my chest for his touch.

I didn’t recall ever having this kind of preference toward him, and this new feeling scared me. The feeling I felt when his lips crashed against mine was indescribable and scary for me to recall.

And of course, this gave rise to countless more questions.

Why was I familiar with Hyunnie’s lips?

What was I doing, craving my former best friend’s touch?

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have hesitated to ask Seunghyun what happened, but it was different now. I didn’t recognize him as the boy I once knew in high school – he was changed, more mature, less chubby, and something else – something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

I buried my head in my hands, unable and unwilling to deal with this anymore.

--

They were used to it by now, but this time it had gone on for quite a while.

It had already been five hours since Jiyong disappeared into his room, and they were scared he wouldn’t come out. Finally deciding to take action, the entire group gathered and stood at Jiyong’s door, feeling the urge to reach out to their detached leader but unsure how to do it.

Finally, Taeyang stepped up and knocked on the door. “Ji? Are you in there? Can we come in?”

Only silence answered his call.

“Jiyong?”

More silence.

“Jiyong, I don’t mind if you want to be alone but please just say something so we know you’re okay,” Taeyang pleaded.

A low moan escaped from the room.

“Ji?” Taeyang said, panic creeping into his voice. “Ji, are you okay?”

A feeble voice answered, unintelligible and soft. “…-t hurts…”

“Jiyong?” Taeyang said, gripping the door knob. He looked to Seunghyun and nodded.

“Ji, we’re going to have to break down the door,” Seunghyun said, ready to do just that.

A cry erupted from the room. “No!” Jiyong screamed. “Anything but that, please!”

After a period of silence, Jiyong spoke again. “Please, I just don’t want to see anyone at the moment. I’m tired, tired of trying to figure out this puzzle…”

Daesung looked to Seunghyun, confusion apparent on his face. Puzzle? What puzzle?

--

Jiyong.

Pain shot through my head as Taeyang called to me from outside my room.

I wanted nothing but to have them leave me alone, but they were persistent in their approach.

My splitting headache was not helped by their consistent nagging. “It hurts,” I muttered. “My head hurts…”

I soon realized this was an incorrect decision as I heard Taeyang raise his voice and Seunghyun cut in. “Ji, we’re going to have to break down the door.”

At this, I bolted from where I sat. Seunghyun was coming in? Now? No, I couldn’t face him now. Not when my feelings were tangled beyond recognition like this.

“No!” I screamed. “Anything but that, please!” My fingers trembled as I saw the knob rattle in its place. I would rather die than see Hyunnie at this moment.

In their silence, I could tell they were unconvinced. “Please, I just don’t want to see anyone at the moment. I’m tired, tired of trying to figure out this puzzle…” I silently cursed myself. None of them knew what I was going through, and I almost revealed my ‘secret’ condition. They don’t know you lost your memory, Jiyong, I told myself. Get it together, you’re better at acting than this.

I swallowed, composing myself. “I’m okay, I just need rest. Isn’t that what the doctor said?”

I heard Bae’s broken voice from the hallway. “Ji, it’s been five hours since you last locked yourself in your room. It’s natural for us to worry. Please, we just want to see your face and know you’re okay…”

I was surprised by his words. Five hours? It had only felt like half an hour at most…

I gave in. “If it’s Taeyang, it’s okay to come in.”

--

Seunghyun.

My heart dropped into my stomach when I heard this. If it’s Taeyang… why Taeyang? Why couldn’t I be the one to comfort him?

Did this have something to do with Jiyong’s past? Before he formed Big Bang and was simply a trainee with Taeyang?

Perhaps they were together before, and now that Jiyong had forgotten me, Taeyang had a chance. I clenched my fist, disgusted by the idea. For Jiyong to call someone else his love, to hug and kiss a person other than me would break my heart beyond repair.

“Jiyong, we need to talk.”

I heard a whimper from the other side of the door. “No, Hyunnie, I can’t talk to you.”

“You are right now, aren’t you?”

“No… no!” He wailed, and we heard a crash. “Not now! Not –” His voice ended abruptly, replaced by choking sobs. “My head hurts…”

I felt Taeyang’s hand on my arm, gently pushing me back. “It’s okay Ji, I’ll be the only one going in there. Please open the door, okay?”

Jealousy stabbed my heart in a million places as the door slowly creaked open. “Come in,” a weak voice said.

--

Daesung.

I watched Seunghyun carefully as Jiyong screamed and wailed. His face was pained, confused, and most of all struggling with his love for Jiyong.

I was convinced I was the only one who knew his feelings toward our leader, and I desperately wanted to help him. I couldn’t bear to see my hyung like this.

After Taeyang had disappeared into Jiyong’s room and Seungri had left to do his maknae business, I tugged on Seunghyun’s arm.

“Hyung, tell me what’s wrong. I know you love Jiyong, and your heart is breaking because of it.”

He turned to look at me, his expression contorted in sorrow. I could tell he was struggling with himself, trying to decide whether or not to trust me with his secret. Finally, he spoke. “Ji told me he loved me.”

My eyes widened, disbelief manifest on my face. “He said what?”

“Before he went into that operation, he told me he loved me. I don’t know what is going on now, but it seems that…” Seunghyun’s voice died, and he turned away as if he had said something taboo.

I gasped as realization hit me. “Jiyong, he lost his memory, didn’t he?” That would explain his moment of confusion, his headaches, his distant behavior… “Why didn’t he tell us? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Seunghyun heaved a sigh as he crossed the room and plopped himself on the couch. “I don’t know,” he stated simply. “I don’t know anymore.”

--

Taeyang.

I entered the dimly lit room, my eyes quickly adjusting to the darkness. “Jiyong?”

I heard a moan from his bed and quickly identified the lump of blankets. I went to him quickly, sitting on the side of his bed, and began rubbing his back in hopes of comforting him. “Ji, tell me what’s wrong.”

I heard a shaky but long breath from him, and then a feeble voice. “I remember…”

I held my breath, anticipating his next words. Could this accident have a benefit? Did the shock of the shootings somehow jar his mind into a healthy state?

“…Seunghyun’s lips.”

I nearly fell off the bed in shock.

“What?” I sputtered, not believing what I had just heard. “You remember what?”

“I was shocked too, Bae. I don’t know why, but when he kissed me in the hospital a few weeks ago, it was familiar.” He turned to his side, his eyes fixated on mine. “A good familiar. As if I wanted him to do it all along.”

I clutched his shoulders, knowing he was telling me the truth of the matter but unable to completely process what he was telling me. “Let’s go outside and get you a glass of water, shall we?”

His reaction was immediate, diving further into his cocoon of blankets. “No! I just told you I’m confused about Seunghyun! The worst thing that could happen now was if I saw him and…” Jiyong looked like he couldn’t find the words to appropriately express himself. “What I’m trying to say is, I think sometime after we formed Big Bang, I fell in love with Seunghyun, and I might still feel something toward him, though I forgot…” Jiyong violently shoved his hand into his hair, grabbing it and nearly pulling it out.

At this, I pulled him off the bed. “Come on, we’re getting you some water.”

He protested but fell silent when he saw my worried expression. “If it’ll make you less worried, sure…”

--

Seunghyun.

Right on time, as always.

Right when I felt like I was all alone in a desolate world, Daesung came to comfort me.

Don’t get me wrong – I still loved Jiyong, but Daesung’s unbelievable punctuality and his never ending compassion made him possibly one of my favorite dongsaengs.

Confused, I had sat on the couch, eyes closed and mind closed to the outside world.

Daesung sat next to me, uttering some comforting words that I didn’t really hear, running his hand up and down my back. I didn’t say anything back to him, too wrapped up in my own world to interact with anyone else.

When I finally looked up at him, I noticed he was crying. At this, my heart broke. I had already betrayed Taeyang by putting Jiyong in danger, and Jiyong was deathly afraid of me for some reason – I was resolved not to make another one of my teammates feel alienated by my behavior.

I wrapped Daesung in a tight hug, sharing my laments with him as he cried into my shoulder. He leaned into my embrace, but did so very suddenly, knocking me off balance…

The next thing I knew, I was laying on the couch with Daesung in my arms.

--

Jiyong.

I went with Taeyang, not sure what else to do. He was my best friend for almost a half a decade, so I trusted his judgment.

I wish I hadn’t, though, when I walked into the living room.

All breath was out of me when I saw Seunghyun and Daesung lying on the couch, arms around each other and Daesung crying silently into Seunghyun’s shoulder. I felt an inexplicable pang of jealousy at this, almost wishing I was the one Hyunnie was comforting.

The next action, however, was the one that shocked me the most. Suddenly they toppled further onto each other, assuming a very suggestive position, and I couldn’t condone it. I barely suppressed a cry of anguish as I ran back up the stairs, away from the couple.

--

Daesung.

I tried to comfort the best I could while keeping my distance, knowing his feelings toward Jiyong… but he had to go and wrap his arms around me in a hug that I couldn’t resist.

It had been so long since I had been comforted this way, and I instinctively leaned into his embrace, only to find myself losing balance and toppling onto Seunghyun.

I had barely enough time to blush as I looked up and saw Taeyang’s shocked expression, and the back of a fleeing Jiyong.

I sat up abruptly, pushing myself away from Seunghyun. Unintelligible words spilled out of my mouth, apologizing to Taeyang and Seunghyun, explaining my actions, trying to somehow repair the damage I had just caused. “Mianhae…” I squeaked at the end, sure that my explanation was somehow unsatisfactory.

Seunghyun sighed, putting his head in his hands. “It’s not your fault, Daesung. I was reckless. I just wanted to comfort you as my dongsaeng, and now…”

Taeyang stood there, silently staring at the two of us. Finally, after a gruelingly long silence, he said, “I think you guys have someone else to apologize to.”

--

Jiyong.

I laughed at myself, a bitter and sad laugh. Who was I to think that he somehow loved me? And that I loved him in my forgotten past?

He was my old friend from high school, and nothing else. He had moved on afterwards, and we had gone our separate ways. For some reason, we joined a group together but our friendship was never the same.

He had someone else now, someone else to comfort him when he was sad, someone else to share laughter with, to call his beloved.

I buried my head into my pillow, wishing to block out everything else. My laugh came as fast as my tears flowed now, and I knew I probably sounded like a maniac to whoever cared. I was a fool. The past had been forgotten by the both of us – or did it even exist? – and new things were taking place. I was in no position to try to even impede on their happiness.

I wished it wasn’t so, but their stance, their emotions toward each other, their daily interactions all pointed to the fact. I was stupid not to see it before, but now it was painfully clear. The complete honesty between them and their understanding of each other was incomparable with my feeble relationship with Seunghyun. Even if I wanted to, there was no way I could possibly compensate for Daesung.

I had locked him out of my life while Daesung comforted him about his troubles.

I had forgotten everything and put him into danger while Daesung had been his stronghold.

I had been a burden when Daesung had been a support in times of need.

I was inadequate while Daesung was perfect for Seunghyun.

I deserved nothing; he deserved everything.

--

Hooooh long chapter. Hope you guys liked the length of this one because it's probably never going to happen again.

Thank you to all you subscribers and commenters~ <3