Park Bom

29th April 2012

Still in my bed I closed my eyes refusing to accept the daylight as a sign for me to wake up. I can hear nothing but the sound of doors opening and closing. This small apartment reminds me a lot of Gangnam’s School for Girls’ dorm. Block A, east division, fourth floor, room C 1.4.

Suddenly the smell of Dara’s favorite Victoria’s Secret body mist can be sensed as if Dara just left the room, the small bunk bed opposite the huge opened window and on top of the bed sat the guy with no name starring into the night sky and next to him was a familiar face; the 18 year old me. My heart flustered at the thought of that night back in 2003, our second meeting.

I found myself to be waking up at three in the morning that night, the big window was still opened, and the stars are still, magically visible. When I turned my body around there was the guy with no name, sleeping soundlessly.

I couldn’t help myself but to touch his skin with the back of palms. I have waited 365 days for this; waiting to meet him on this day has kept me alive for the whole year. I couldn’t tell him that, and I hated myself for not doing so. I’m not sure if I’m in love with him, but one thing for sure, I want someone, anyone, to stay with me. I badly needed some warmth from a human being. After all, we’re just flesh and blood.

But when I opened my eyes again, here I am, laying on the old IKEA bed in my Gangdong-do apartment. I have to stop thinking about him. Gather all of your sanity Park Bom. I’m begging.

...

“Sakhalin Island, what is this book about Bommie?” asked Jiyong as I put on my Dorothy Perkins flats. “Well, it’s about the writer’s experience living in a deserted island in Russia named Sakhalin Island. It’s a pretty boring book.” Even when I’m not directly looking at him, I can sense that he was flipping through the pages of the book. “You are a beautiful star, from Busan.” Jiyong read, “hey, from Busan? Do you have a friend from Busan?”

.

“Nope. I –um, I bought it from a secondhand bookstore.” I lied. “Oh. How come I never noticed this book?” “How would I know? It was always there.” I came up to him and grab Sakhalin Island from his hands and put them back on the shelves. Out of all books, he managed to notice that ugly old book. “Let’s go Yong, we’ll be late.” “Oh yeah, I also told Seunghyun to come so that he can try on his suit, have you told Dara to be there? She also needs to try on her dress for the wedding right?” “-uh, yeah, I did. She had already arrived several minutes ago with Ilwoo.”

The car ride was silent with Jiyong giving all his attention on the road, the radio’s power button untouched and me not talking. Then suddenly Jiyong spoke, “What do you think about Seunghyun hyung? He’s really good looking right? Reminds me of BIGBANG’s TOP, don’t you think?” I just nodded. “He’s really a good brother. Always taking care of me and the rest of my hommies back in Busan, he’s the trustable one.” “I’ve heard a lot about him from you already,” My voice finally came out. “He looks trustable. I think. How many years was it since you first met him?” “He was my neighbor since I was 10, now I’m 26. So, 16 years?” “16 years.” I mouthed. I first met that guy 10 years ago. Not much difference but obviously Jiyong knew him and met him more than just one day in a year.

…

“Boommiee!” Sandara called out my name the way she usually does. “Dara-ya! Sorry for calling you out on a Sunday morning but they couldn’t schedule us for later.” “Well, what the heck. It’s your wedding, girlfriend. It’s not like I’m doing this every year. I’m just so excited for you!”

“Well maybe next year I can do the same for your wedding with Ilwoo.” I whispered. “Ugh, that guy, don’t even talk to him about weddings or whatever. Took me eight tiring years to convince him to finally date me, he’s just, such a coward in relationships. I really hope Jiyong will teach him something.” “I don’t think Jiyong can teach him anything. He’s hopeless in this section most of the time too.” Both of us laughed in front of the men.

“Ms Park you can come change now.” I turned around and the boutique’s employee was waiting for me to go into the changing room. At the same time I saw Choi Seunghyun, looking at the trains of black suits, while Jiyong talking endlessly to him.

I stripped down my dress and put on the Ivory white Vera Wang wedding dress that was previously hanged on a mannequin. I touched the lace hem of the dress and adore the detailed beadings. This is my wedding dress. The wedding dress that costs my annual wage, and thanks to Jiyong, I can wear something like this. Then I laughed to myself. Mom, you were at so much loss to die before I wear this wedding dress. This is beautiful.

When I was done putting the dress on, with the help of Ms Mari, the boutique’s employee, I finally stepped out of the dressing room. As I walked out towards where Jiyong, Dara and Ilwoo were sitting, I can sense piercing stares from nearly everyone in the shop. I was partially embarrassed and my cheeks started to redden as I blush. There was also another couple in the shop, and both the groom and bride-to-be starred at me with adoring eyes (I hope so). Jiyong was the first to stand up. He was dressed in a sharp black Armani suit which made him look like a movie star strutting down an Oscar’s red carpet.

Feeling proud of my handsome groom, I held out my hands and he immediately reached for them.

“Beautiful.” Suddenly an unfamiliar voice was heard. I turned my head towards the source of the voice. It was Choi Seunghyun. As I turned around, we were staring at each other’s eyes directly. Probably feeling uncomfortable of my stare, he immediately leveled down his stare.

Why did he suddenly say that word? Beautiful.

“Of course hyung, she’s my wife.” Jiyong told Seunghyun. A trace of smile was seen on that guy’s face. I can’t understand him. Is he playing a joke on me?

“Omoya! Bommie you are so pretty.” Dara said and her eyes were red from holding back the tears. I let go of Jiyong’s hand and held both of Dara’s instead. “Ya! Ilwoo, you shouldn’t make her wait too long. Look how she’s crying right now. She badly wants to be in a wedding dress. Isn’t that right Dara-ya?” I joked. She said nothing but continued to cry. Ilwoo just nods cheekily.

“Hey, all of us should take a picture together.” Said Jiyong. “Come, gather everyone!” Jiyong took out his iPhone and searches for the camera app. “Jiyong-ah, let me take your picture with your friends.” Choi Seunghyun said while reaches for Jiyong’s iPhone. “Ok, later I’ll ask Ms Mari to take picture of all of us together ok?” “Yep, sure.” Choi Seunghyun answered.

Dara and I were in the center while Jiyong and Ilwoo surrounded us. Everyone smiled for the camera but I couldn’t because of the fact that I had to stare at the guy with no name. My hands were trembling hard even when Jiyong was holding it so tightly. I was that nervous. I wonder if he feels the same thing like I do right now. I have no romantic feelings towards him, I am pretty assured. We have agreed on that 10 years ago. But that was then, and now he is not the guy with no name. He has a name; Choi Seunghyun, and he is the senior to my soon-to-be husband.

I closed my eyes trying to process everything then he called me, “Park Bom-ssi, your eyes are closed in the picture. Should I take another one?” Park Bom-ssi. He’s calling my name.

I try hard not to cry but I can feel that the tears were tangling on the insides of my eyes, ready to be shed at any second. And at that time Dara’s hands cling onto mine. I looked at her and she looked at me back. Endure it for a second Bom. I think that was what she was trying to say. I looked back at the camera and gave my best smile.

After rounds of taking photographs, I went back inside the changing room with Dara following. She closed the curtains of the changing room. “Talk to me Bom, is there anything wrong? You don’t look like yourself out there.” She said. “You, noticed?” “Your face is so transparent, it’s so easy for me to tell if you have a problem or not. I know it’s hard because your Mom isn’t here anymore. I also wish Ajumma was here, but you have to be strong. Finally, you are going to have a family. Well, I had always considered you one, but now, Jiyong is going to be your family by law. And Jiyong’s Mom likes you a lot. You’ll be ok Bom, I know it’s going to be alright.” It’s not about my Mom and it’s not about my family. But of course I couldn’t say that to her face.

“I’m alright, really. It has been a bit stressful, and the things that you didn’t expect to happen, suddenly happened. I really don’t know what to think right now. You’re right Dara, Jiyong and I are going to be fine. Thanks for asking.” Dara gave me a big hug and a pat on the back.

“Guys, I know a great place to eat around here. Let us have lunch there, my treat!” Ilwoo announced. “Wow, you’re serious?” Jiyong asked. “Yah! You think I’m that cheap?” “No, no.” Jiyong laughs. “Let’s go everyone. Ilwoo’s treat. Seunghyun hyung, do you have any other plans? Come join us.” “I don’t. Is it ok for me to join?” “Yeah, sure thing hyung, we should talk often and ease ourselves. Since you’re Jiyong’s senior.” Ilwoo said. I said nothing about Ilwoo’s plan and just follow the flow. We ended up having lunch at a Japanese restaurant near the wedding dress boutique.

Ilwoo and Dara were always the hype in our group. They always knew how to lift the spirits up and how to stop talking when they needed to. They have a near-to-perfect sense of timing, never coming too late until the person waiting gets their nerves on, or coming too early. They were the easiest couple to be around yet by law, they are still not together. Ilwoo was a Seoul Art School’s alumni and went to the same college as Jiyong does. Most people thought it was me and Jiyong who brought the two together, but it was actually the other way around. Ilwoo had already known Dara for quite a long time before our first double date.

Ilwoo lacks just one sense, romance. Dara was always the one who’s passionate in the relationship while Ilwoo declines to make an extra effort. Even when Ilwoo was the one that confessed first, Dara took the initiative to make it official. Even so, that doesn’t make Ilwoo love Dara less than Dara loves him. That was the reason why everyone accepted Ilwoo as Dara’s better half.

Jiyong noticed I was smiling alone while waiting for our food and pinched my cheeks as affection. I smiled at him in response. Choi Seunghyun was sitting next to Jiyong examining the restaurant’s menu as if studying a physics textbook. I stared at him and the menu for a long time and suddenly he took away his gaze from the three-pieced booklet and looked at me in the eye. I maintained my gaze this time, only blinking a few times and he gave me a smile.

I wonder how he could act like nothing happened, and actually wished that I can smile like he did too. But I definitely can’t. I can’t just act like he doesn’t affect my life. He was a part of me, like a hammer to every string of the piano, if I haven’t met him 10 years ago, I would have no functions. His spirit had kept me alive until this day. That, I couldn’t deny.

The conversation between Dara, Jiyong and Ilwoo was ongoing throughout the lunch, which left me and Choi Seunghyun in silence. He was sitting right in front of me, carefully taking his food and checking the consistency of the broth he is having. We stared at each other again after a few seconds but remained quiet.

I stood up from my seat and walked away from the awkward atmosphere, to the restaurant’s toilet. As I was walking, I can feel that someone or something is following me. Suddenly, my left wrist was held back by a strong force. I turned around and there was Choi Seunghyun.

“Nice to meet you again.” He said and let go of my wrists. I didn’t answer him back. Maybe we shouldn’t meet again, I thought. Wasn’t it better if I had kept the desire to see him hidden within me, and never actually got together? That way, there would always be hope in my heart. That hope would be small, yet vital flame that warmed me to core, a tiny flame to cup one’s hands around and protect from the wind, a flame that the violent winds of reality might easily extinguish.

Something’s wrong with the world, or something’s wrong with me; one or the other. The bottle and the cap don’t fit; is the problem with the bottle or the cap?

Both of us standing in front of the uni’s toilet and I can’t help thinking how tired my heart feels to be having to meet him again in this world.