Park Bom

28^th april 2012

As if Lee Seunggi’s song was a jinx, there he was, that bastard. That guy with no name. He’s the Choi Seunghyun? Wow life, you really are something.

Both of us stood still, I bet he still remembers me.

“Ta-daa! Bom, this is Seunghyun sunbae. Sunbae, this is our Bommie.” Jiyong said, introducing us to each other. “Choi Seunghyun.” I murmured his name. He stared at me without any facial constraints. “Nice to meet you.” He said. I finally hear his voice in three years. That deep and scary voice with traces of Busan accent. I let out a little smile, not because I was happy to meet him, rather I was laughing at god for arranging such weird fate for both of us. “Aigoo, you guys, haha. First meeting is always awkward, right?” This is not our first meeting, I whispered to myself. 

“Come on, get in the car sunbae! We’re going to my crib and have some little drinks and talk about each other and our Bommie will tell you about the wedding plans.” I stared at Jiyong, still in disbelief. I shook my head and walk straight to the passenger’s door to give way for Mr. Choi Seunghyun to sit next to the driver.

I was looking outside the whole time of the ride back to Jiyong’s house. Jiyong and this Choi Seunghyun were enjoying little chit chats and I can hear his laughter. Almost the same as the one I heard from the guy with no name ten years ago. I lost track of what they were talking about, I can’t even follow as they were talking in Busan accent.

I try as hard as I can not to think about what had happened between me and the guy with no name ten years ago, but suddenly seeing him and hearing his voice again, I can’t help myself to bring my memories and spirit back to the night of 4^th May, the day before Children’s Day, the night when my Mom died. The day before my Mom’s ash was scattered along Busan’s waters.

…

“We’ve tried everything we could. Your mother was a strong one.” Said the doctor. My aunt had already started to tear up and caressing my back, keep on repeating “Bom, you pitiful bastard, you, Song Ju is gone. Our pitiful Song Ju. Aigoo.”

At that moment, I was out of words, out of responds, out of any motion or emotion to give out. I was expecting this since Mom was announced ‘terminally ill’ two years before that, but didn’t came to think that this day would finally come.

On the midnight of Children’s Day, I felt like becoming a child again, not just a 17 year old child, but a child with a body of a child, a brain of a child. No responsibilities, knows nothing about the rules of the universe, nothing to care regarding life and death but yet I’m still stuck in this 17 year old body.

Aunt did everything in regards of Mom’s funeral arrangements. The only thing I did was sit down and stare at anything that could be stared at. I can’t think of anything to think, I just want to go home and watch the re-run of Winter Sonata. That was all I remembered from the hospital, 10 years ago.

When Aunt was still busy talking to the people in charge of Mom’s funeral, I started walking around the hospital and headed to the main entrance. I had no idea where I was going but I was heading to the center of Myungdeong. The streets were busy as ever, way busier because it was the night of Children’s Day but I don’t seem to notice about the crowd that night, I even lost track of the time. Whether it was midnight or morning, nothing makes any difference, Mom is still gone.

I kept my head down and stare at my two feet walking. I was amazed by how uniformed my walking was and spotted a mole near my knee. I had never realized that I have a mole there, is it a new mole? I kept on staring how odd the mole looks, and suddenly felt a hard hit as if I walked towards a hard brick wall.

I fell but didn’t feel any pain, but I still didn’t stand up to give a sign that I was ok.

I heard the voice of a man, speaking ever so loudly and fast but I have no idea of what he was talking about. I sat there with no motion at all, unable to think on how to stand up. Then I brought forward my right leg to find the source of a sudden pain felt right after. I looked at my knee and I couldn’t find that mole again. There were only these red substances that hid my newfound mole.

“Are you ok?” Said the man with the strange accent. I couldn’t answer him, I’m not sure if I was hurt or not. My brain had just stopped functioning to think about the simplest thing like, pain. It took me a couple of moments to coordinate my body parts to stand up by my own.

The deep-voiced man sent me back to the hospital because he said he wants me to get my knees cleaned from the blood. I just blankly followed his words and kept quite along the way. I wanted to stand and walk alone but he grabbed my hands and wrapped it around his shoulder. He was pretty tall so he had to hunch to take my whole arms up on his shoulder.

He had a really nice scent. It reminds me of my favorite pillow back home. The scent made me want to sleep on this stranger’s shoulders but a pang of sanity stayed me away from doing so. He was quite when we arrived at the hospital. This place again. I thought to myself.

After I got treated, the guy kept his promise by paying the cost of treatment. When he turned around from the counter, that was when I finally studied his face up front. He was beautiful, strangely beautiful. He has such thick eyebrows, perfectly matched to a General character in some of the chapters in history text books. Such pretty eyes and semi-puckered lips. Lips that reminds me of the shape of a cat’s mouth.

He took me in his arms again, guiding me to the hospital exit. He looked around, possibly for cabs and I suddenly think of myself not having a home. A home is not home without anyone in it. The home I’ve once have, is now just a square box with no life in it. I can’t sleep like that. I need to get out of here. I need someone to be with me. I need warmth and movements. I need someone to tell me a bedtime story or sing me a lullaby, just anything as a sign that I have a human being beside me.

Out of consciousness, I asked this stranger to take me with him. He may have given me excuses to not stay. Obviously, who in his sane mind would take a strange, ugly girl with them? But I couldn’t even process what he was saying I just stared at him with an intense look just for him to stop talking.

When he didn’t stop, I just stepped towards him and embrace his big-framed body. I didn’t care who he is, maybe he’s a or a e or just anything bad, I want this person with the scent of my favorite pillow stay and answer my embrace.

He didn’t, he just stood still, but he at least stopped talking in the weirdest accent I’ve ever heard.

…

The hotel room was smaller than I had expected, but apparently, I’ve never been to hotel rooms before either. The only vacation I’ve had was that one trip to dad’s in Jeju Island, but we were staying at his house. My parents were divorced back in 1990, he remarried his old wife and stayed with her and their three children until now. Dad’s son kept on teasing me the ‘spinster bastard’, not noticing that his father cheats on his mother with my mother. That pretty much explains why I am never going back to Jeju or meet any of Dad’s family members.

I looked at the stranger, getting the quilt ready on the ground next to the bed. I guess that is where I’m going to sleep. I was expecting a sofa in the hotel room, just like any dramas I’ve seen with a hotel scene or in that gay my classmate downloaded.

“You sleep on the bed, I’ll be right here.” He points to the prepared quilt. I stared at him again, so is really guys like this in real life? I thought this happens only in stupid rom-coms. “If you want to change into a t-shirt or something, I have an extra pair of tees.” I can sense he got uncomfortable because of my endless stare. “Ok, good night I guess,” then he laid himself on the self-prepared quilt and I settled myself on the bed. I couldn’t sleep and kept on picturing myself waiting for mom to come back from the 12 hour shift from the convenience store right around the corner of our 15 square foot apartment. Then I turned myself facing the night lamp on my right. ‘The Gatsby Hunter’ was sitting on top of the bedside table next to the night lamp. “The Gatsby Hunter” I echoed the title.

The sleeping guy must have heard me, and he joined me gazing the book. “You know the book?” he asked me. “I have read the Korean version of it. Is this the English version?” “oh, yep. For English assignment.” I nodded to his answer. I have read the book before, but I nothing off the book interest me. It’s basically about backstabbers and cheaters.

I felt his gaze piercing on the surface of my skin, as if it was transparent and he is studying my internal organs. I took my stare off the book and looked at him in the eye. When our eyes met, he carefully took off his gaze on me, and in utter dimness, I can see his cheeks flushing red. I thought that it was really cute.

“Can you read me one section of the book?” I asked him. “In English?” he responded, I gave a little nod to respond to him back. “Which part?” “Your favorite part.” “I can’t read in the dark.” He told me. “Then tell me what you remember about the book.” Then he starts to narrate ‘The Great Gatsby’ in his own way. The scene from when Nick Callaway moved to the East Egg, Gatsby’s love for Daisy, all their conflicts, until Gatsby’s death, each scene was depicted as clearly as possible, and I’m questioning myself how good it would be if I can hire him as my story teller.

“If you were to be Daisy or Jordan, which one would you want to be?” he suddenly asked me. “None,” was my answer, suddenly, the room was still and silent. The only sound heard was of bad music from the cabaret club across the street. My eyes were getting heavy but every time I close my eyes, vivid images of Mom would come and my head would hurt.

I turned around at the side where the guy was sleeping, observing his silent breathing and the way his chest moves up and down with every breath. How I wish I can touch those chest without him thinking that I have a ual desire towards him. All I wanted to do was touch that study chest, feel the warmth, and the rise and fall of his thoracic cavity.

Without thinking afar, I asked him if I can sleep beside him. He tried hard not to act surprised and avoided eye contacts. I waited for his respond and when there was none, I jumped out of bed and onto the floor, and then rested my head on his chest. My left hand was reaching for the edge of his waist and when I found them, I held onto them and simply hugged his whole body. I rested my right ear on the left side of his chest and slowly closed my eyes. I quietly listened to his heartbeat, and as if it’s a lullaby, I slowly fell in a deep sleep. When I was half-conscious, I felt his cold fingers running through my dark hazel hair and slightly touching my ears.

…

“Bom? Bommie, we’re here babe.” Jiyong shakes my body to wake me. “You had always been looking outside the window, but I have never seen you sleep in the car before, this is the first time.” Instead of answering him with words, I only smiled back at him. We’re here, at his condominium in Gangnam with Choi Seunghyun, the guy who used to have no name.

The things that happened to me that night left much significance for me to still be living in this world, if I happen to not be meeting him that night, I would have killed myself, taking down some pills and just sleep away, forever. Meeting him was not a bad thing at all I guess. But I would have warned myself to not be involved with him ten years ago. Enough with one night, but my stupid old self thinks that playing a game with him will have an exciting result.

On the 5^th of May 2002, something that I have said changed everything between me and the guy with no name.

“Ya, ‘Busan’!” ‘Busan’, what was I thinking. “Do you want to play a game?” He turns his back to look at me, “What now?” he answered. “No names, no strings attached, just us, meeting on the night of 4^th May every year, same date, same place. Are you in?” He looks as he is hesitating and his thinking went on for a while. “Well, it does sound fun,” I smiled at him, probably the biggest smile I’ve ever given to a man, “but no names? Can I at least know your age?” “Ya! I’m wearing a school uniform, can’t you guess?” “You might be 17, but you might also be 13.” “17.” I answered. “17, hmm, me too.” “Are you for real? You look like you’re in your twenties.” “Ahah, a really good joke there.” “I’m serious though.” “Bye.” He said as he continues his way inside the hospital. “Bye.” I answered. But I obviously didn’t want to bid farewell.

Using the east entrance of the hospital, I went to the memorial room that was opened for public use. Drunk relatives still having trouble sobering themselves up, and finally Aunt was there too, looking tired and restless as if she had finished stitching 20 pairs of trousers like she always do when working at her factory.

I cleaned up the way to the back of the room where Aunt was found sound asleep. I carefully woke her up. “Bom-ah, where did you go since last night? What time is it?” I smiled at her, “It’s 8.00 AM, Aunt, go back home and clean up. Tell me what to do here.” She stared at me and cupped my face in both of her overworked hands. “I’m ok Bom, it’s fine if you don’t do anything, I can handle it. The only thing left is for the official funeral and cremation.” “Aunt I have a favor.” “What is it darling?” “Can we scatter the ashes near the sea? Specifically, can we let mother live in the Busan waters?” “Busan?” “Mom had always liked the sea but ever since dad left us, we never had anyone to bring us to those kind of places. I want her to live at the beach or the sea. And I have heard from someone that Busan has beautiful beaches. I think Mom will like it there,” I paused. “Bom-ah, we’ll do whatever you like.” She answered me, still cupping my whole face.