Although winter was long over months ago, Kyungsoo still felt like someone threw a gigantic snowball at his face when he saw the small, semi-faded black organized blotches just right at the edges of the shirt Jongin gave him when he was scanning for stains and defects.

At initial glance, the first line of marks was just some bunch of numbers probably written by someone in desperate need of a textmate or something. Or by someone who thought it would be a good prank to annoy neat-obsessed freaks like him.

In ordinary cases, Kyungsoo silently freaking out at a tiny bit of vandal was completely normal.

But no, it was not because of seeing a bunch of random digits scribbled and worrying about whether they’re washable or not that made Kyungsoo freeze in his place.

It was the name of a person scrawled just right below the numbers.

 

An awfully familiar name that could make his heart jump upon split-second recognition.

A name of a guy he met around four months ago.

The only name he could never bear to forget.

 

Park Chanyeol.

 

 

*

 “Then how will you know my name?” Chanyeol asked him a question again for the hundredth time. Kyungsoo usually disliked being pestered with questions, but he didn’t mind this man throwing a heap of them at him. He was too hyped up about this to get irritated.

“Oh right, I almost forgot.” He halted abruptly in the middle of the road, causing the tailing Chanyeol to hit his back and almost knock over him. Kyungsoo scanned the surroundings and some open shop caught his eye. He quickly trotted towards that store, and said, “Follow me.”

After entering he stopped in front of a rack of unfolded and piled clothes, took out a black pentel pen he used a while ago and handed it to Chanyeol.

“What am I going to do with this?” The taller asked, eyeing the pen he gave to him.

“You get a shirt and write your name and number on it.” Kyungsoo answered and pointed towards the mountain of clothes.

“That’s illegal.” Chanyeol said, his eyes widening.

“No, that’s not. Nobody’s watching.” Kyungsoo giggled.

Chanyeol rolled his eyes. He just went on laughing and said, “Go ahead, I’ll turn back.”

“Hey, why are you turning back?” Chanyeol asked.

“So I won’t see your name.” The shorter answered and mimicked the way Chanyeol rolled his eyes a while ago.

“This is really something.” He heard Chanyeol mutter to himself. He’s complaining yet obediently did what he asked anyway. ‘What a cute fellow.’ Kyungsoo thought.

He continued to laugh while he waited patiently for Chanyeol to scribble down his name. Not a few seconds after, the guy poked him and said, “Done.”

“Put it under the pile.” He ordered, his back still facing him. He could imagine Chanyeol’s face while he mumbled things to himself again. Not a few seconds after, he poked Kyungsoo again.

 “Finished.”

*

Kyungsoo ran his fingers across the tainted cloth and stared at the handwriting. The were kind of round and lively. Happy, if it could be described as such.  Just like Chanyeol.

There was no mistaking it. This was the same shirt Chanyeol had written on.

Well, it could not be denied that there are hundreds of Park Chanyeols alive and kicking out there right now and yes, he may not have really closely seen the actual writing of these numbers or even at least have a glimpse of the design of the shirt at that fateful moment months ago, but the penmanship was enough proof. The bouncy, playful style of the matched Chanyeol’s personality just right. It’s definitely his. He just knows it.

 

But why? Kyungsoo stopped and wondered. Why now?

He didn’t even exert enough effort in finding the shirt. He still strongly believed that somehow, fate would find a way to give it to him if it was really meant to be. But he must admit, he occasionally ‘broke the rules’. How exactly? Like stopping occasionally at random stores to rummage through shirt piles.  He just couldn’t help looking for it around the first few months they parted.

However, at the end of those occasional searches, after those countless times of flipping white shirts inside out hoping to find the one with Chanyeol’s phone number, he never found it. And finally, Kyungsoo gave up and decided to stop searching.

 

But just like the saying goes: whenever you stop looking for something, it’ll appear just when you least expect it. Ironic isn’t it?

Ironic but true. Because just like what is said, here it is. That very shirt he longed to obtain unbelievably lay before his eyes and currently grasped by his own hands.

 

But again, why?

 

Why did he receive it today, coincidentally just after when he went back to that bookstore and checked about the cookbook?

Why now, when he was finally starting to be stable with Jongin?

Why of all the days in the calendar did he especially have to receive this shirt at their 200^th day? Why didn’t he just discover this damned shirt on a normal day?

And lastly, of all the people who could give it to him,

why did it have to be Jongin?

 

Destiny must love irony so much. Or maybe, it just really loved to play pranks on his life.

 

Well, he genuinely tried his best to forget about Chanyeol. He truly did. For Jongin’s sake, at least.

 

But no, he just couldn’t.

 

He almost succeeded, but there were always those things that made him constantly be reminded of Chanyeol. There were always those moments wherein that bright guy’s face would randomly pop out of nowhere whenever he daydreamed.

Plus, things had been weirder and the frequency of thinking about Chanyeol was getting worse. Like that incident at the park.

Park. Park Chanyeol. Ugh, see? It’s happening again. He smacked himself on the head.

 

 And now this.

Was this a sign? The one he’s been waiting for? It’s like fate is trying to tell him something.

And the first thing it said, he reckoned,

 

 ...Was to call this number right now.

 

 

Without second thoughts, he grabbed his phone and nervously dialled the number. But before he pressed call, he decided to make a condition about what he was going to do and the following possible consequences that could happen.

He will call, but only three times and only consecutively. If no one answers after his third try, then it’s decided. He will never look for the guy again.

Yep, that’s right. Never.

He will pretend and forget that Chanyeol never existed in his life. He will now peacefully settle and be happy together with Jongin.

Fair enough, Kyungsoo thought. The possibilities are neither too promising nor too unattainable.

 

 

After several times of checking carefully whether he punched the digits correctly, he took a long and deep breath before finally pressing the call button.

He shakily brought his phone towards his ear, can’t help but doubt if he was doing the right thing. He can’t believe he’s insane enough to bargain one of his crucial life decisions with a phone call.

 

But it’s destiny after all. What’ll happen will happen, if it permits. That’s how great his faith in fate was.

 

The other line started to ring. This is it, Kyungsoo. The first try.

His heart beat faster as the seconds ticked by. What if he picks up? What if he doesn’t? If ever he answers the call, what would he say to him? Would the feeling be different? Did Chanyeol change already? Would he remember him? What would they talk about? Does he already have another person he’s in love with? Thousands of questions dying to be answered sprang out to thought with every ring that passed.

 

“The number you dialled is busy at the moment. Please try your call later.” The female operator lady monotonously suggested after the last ring.

 

 Strike one.

 

Kyungsoo slowly held the phone to his view, a bit disappointed.

Relax, Kyungsoo, it’s still the first try. He convinced himself. There are still two chances left. Once again, he took a deep breath and tried calling again.

Little by little, his hope gets eaten away by doubt after each succeeding ring. What if Chanyeol was sleeping right now? Or what if he left his phone somewhere? Will three calls be enough? The questions were pestering his conscience again.

No, Kyungsoo. He shook all the qualms off. What will happen WILL happen. You already decided about it, so you must not go back on your word. Don’t give up now.

 

He waited patiently, determined to accept whatever circumstance would bring him. No matter what happens, he’ll stick to fulfilling the consequence of his condition. Even if it meant forgetting.

 

But did he want to forget?

 

 

He spaced out too much on his last thought that he didn’t notice someone picked the call up just before the last ring.

 

 

 

“Hello?”

 

 

 

 

A deep, manly voice answered.

 An achingly familiar voice.

A voice that can only make Kyungsoo’s heart jump like this before he could even recognize it.  

 

Chanyeol’s.

 

Kyungsoo sat there, stupefied and frozen like a block of ice. Is it really him? A series of those short-lived moments with the man flashbacked freshly through his mind like it was yesterday. He could still feel the icy air that fateful winter night... The bright, warm smile on Chanyeol’s face...

It took him a few seconds to snap out of daze and finally say something. “I... Uhh...” He stuttered.

But before he could even utter a decent word, he heard the man said “Shoot!” and something like a clink or a metallic thud followed by a muted, blubbing sound and lastly, a beeping tone.

 

Kyungsoo stopped to register what happened. 

 

Did the call just... end?

 

He looked at his phone to confirm. It only displayed his wallpaper. A surge of panic enveloped him. It really did.

He tried to call again, but the stupid operator lady said it was unavailable. What the hell?

 

 

His hope sunk with him in the sofa.

Three calls were up.

 

First, no one answered.

 Second, a guy which Kyungsoo strongly believed was Chanyeol answered the second ring but for some unknown reason the call got ended.

And then lastly, it was already unavailable.

 

He promised himself that if no one answers after the third try, then he will forever erase the man in his present life.

 But the thing is, someone did answer the call. But he didn’t get to say a single word with him.

 

 

Seriously? What in the world was he supposed to do now?

 

If this stupid fate really wanted him to give up, then it shouldn’t have let him – Chanyeol or whoever that guy was – to answer that call. Heck, in the first place, it shouldn’t even have given him the damn white shirt.

But if it wanted him to go on and pursue Chanyeol and choose him, why the heck was the last call unavailable? Why did he hang up? What? Was he like, taking a dump at that exact same moment and accidentally dropped the phone in the toilet?  Psh, yeah Kyungsoo, as if absurd things like those happen in real life.

But still.

Kyungsoo rumpled his hair in frustration. Things weren’t supposed to turn out like this. They were supposed to be clearer by now. But who would’ve thought? It got worse. Confusion was mounting him harder than ever.

Defeated, he leaned back and surrendered himself to the sofa. As he stared into the faded white ceiling, questions remained to storm through his mind. But no matter how different each problem is from the other, all of them seemed to go down to one ultimate dilemma.

 

What is it that I really want to happen?

 

 

Before the he could completely ponder on the question, a y and smiling Jongin wearing an apron comes back from the kitchen. The younger found him frowning and spaced out while lying on the sofa, holding the shirt he gave him.

“What’s the problem, Kyungie? Does the shirt have any defects or stain?” Jongin asked him from a distance.

Kyungsoo quickly sat up and hastily turned the shirt inside out again, hiding the black text from sight. “Uh, no, there’s none at all.” He gave Jongin a quick smile. “I... I’m still sad that I wasn’t able to prepare your present.”

“Nah, didn’t I tell you that it’s no big deal? You don’t need to give it right here, right now.” Jongin came closer and held his hand, giving him a reassuring smile. “Ah! Come on, let’s cheer you up with the delicious lunch I made.”

Before Kyungsoo could protest, Jongin already grabbed him up and dragged him towards the dining room.

~

 

“Kyungie-ah? Kyungie-ah. Kyungsoo!”

Kyungsoo snaps off from the daze. “Y-yeah..?” He anxiously blinked at Jongin.

“Did you forget your name already?” Jongin asks innocently.

“Forget my name? Wait, w-what?” Kyungsoo eyes him, confused.

“I mean, I was asking you if the food was delicious. “ Jongin said. “Well, I guess I was right after all that it’s going to make you forget your name because you spaced out just now.” He laughed.

Kyungsoo gives the best genuine smile he could make and continues eating, trying hard to appear enthusiastic about it. He couldn’t afford to show Jongin a guilt-stricken depressing face and make him worry. He gave a few compliments and continued eating.

It’s better this way, Kyungsoo thought. Jongin would only ask questions he didn’t want to answer if he showed his real feelings as of the moment. He’s afraid that he might not be able to hide his guilt and break down, and ruin this whole special day. It would be unfair for Jongin. And he doesn’t deserve any of it.

 

“So... where have you been this morning?” 

Crap. Kyungsoo freezes at Jongin’s harmless question. He took a drink from his glass of water and cleared his throat.

“Uh... I went to a bookstore.” Kyungsoo replies briefly.

“Oh... What book were you looking for?” He followed up.

“I – I was looking for... for new cookbooks I could use.” Kyungsoo continued. It wasn’t a lie, yes, but it wasn’t the complete truth, either. Jongin didn’t seem to notice his anxiety. He just nodded and chomped on a piece of meat.

 

The whole afternoon was spent with lengthy conversations of reminiscing funny and sad moments during their entire relationship – conversations that made Kyungsoo guiltier than happier. Conversations that constantly reminded him what a horrible and selfish person he is for always thinking about Chanyeol while here’s Jongin, loving him and caring for him more than what he think he even deserves. He tried to pay real attention to everything, but his mind was too occupied and too confused to remember everything they talked about.

 

~

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay for the night?” Jongin stood by the door, hesitant to leave.

Kyungsoo shifted uneasily and avoided his boyfriend’s eyes. “As ... as much as I want you to stay, but I don’t really think it’s a good idea right now.” He alibied.

“Why? Did you not have fun with me here?”

“No no, don’t get me wrong. I had fun, really.” Kyungsoo explained. “But... it’s just that... it has been a long day. And it’s... I-I’m just tired.” He sighed. It’s true. He really is tired of this whole guilt trip he’s travelling in.

“Wait, are you not feeling well?” Jongin felt his forehead. “Did I accidentally let you eat something you’re allergic to? Or something you didn’t like?  I think it would be better if-“

 

“FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE JONGIN, I JUST WANT TO REST! “ Kyungsoo erupted.

 

Jongin’s worried face hardened in shock. Even Kyungsoo was shocked with himself. It was the first time he snapped like that.

 

“Okay.” Jongin stepped back with a hard expression in his face. “Uh, I’ll go now. Bye.” He turned his back and started to leave.

Oh no. What have I done? “No, wait, Jong – “

 “I understand, Kyungsoo. “ Jongin stopped walking and cut him off mid-sentence, but did not mind to turn and look back. “You’re tired and you need to rest.” He continued, his back still facing Kyungsoo. “Good night.”  He sadly uttered and left.

 

 

Kyungsoo was left there standing by the door. He wanted to go after Jongin and explain. He wanted to erase the pain he had greatly caused him. He wanted to say sorry.

But he did not.

He couldn’t.

 

 

Something stopped him. Something told him to let him leave for now. Because he knew within that apologizing wasn’t enough. Well, it may be for Jongin, but not for him. It wasn’t enough to erase his shame.

For the first time, Kyungsoo broke down and cried hard. He felt nothing but grief, regret, and shame. He deeply hated on how much he let his stupid emotions influence his actions – on how much he had hurt Jongin because of it. He hated himself for everything.

 

 

He went to bed early but he couldn’t sleep. His mind got revisited with questions he asked a while ago. Questions that he couldn’t answer. Questions that maybe he could never answer at all.

 

Like how was he supposed to completely love Jongin if there’s another guy he yearned of seeing so much?

How was he supposed to find Chanyeol when Jongin was still his lover?

What should he do to make everything alright again?

 

And most importantly...

Who was the one he truly wanted to be with?

 

He avoided thinking about those things. Instead, he distracted himself by playing games and regularly checking his phone for a text message from Jongin, He received none so far.

 Of course, what was he expecting? That Jongin would be okay right away? He’s not that dumb to realize that his anger was because of mere exhaustion. Jongin knew him more than anyone besides himself.

If he told him that the reason of his anger was because he was tired, Jongin wouldn’t believe it.  Jongin had cared about him for so long that he’ll know for sure it’s not the real reason.

Jongin had loved him more than he loved him. He doesn’t deserve to get lied to again.

Deserve. Kyungsoo got struck by the word. He lingered on it for a little while.

 

 And then he knew.

 

Yes, Jongin doesn’t deserve all of this. He deserves to be happy.

 Even if it meant sacrificing something.

 

Clutching his phone, he opted for the’ Compose New Message’ in the message menu and started typing.

 

To: Jongjong

From: Kyungie

Message: Jongin-ah, I’m really sorry. :(

 I shouldn’t have shouted at you like that. I was just really tired.

Can we meet again tomorrow?

 

He reviewed the text a few times before clicking ‘Send’. This is the best thing that should be done, Kyungsoo thought.

 Not a few minutes after, his phone lighted up with an incoming message.

 

To: Kyungie

From : Jongjong

Message: It’s okay, Kyungie-ah. You seemed really tired, I noticed.

Sure, where and what time do you want to talk?

 

Kyungsoo sighed in relief. At least he’s back to calling me Kyungie again. It scared him when he called him with his first name. It meant that something was wrong. Anyway, he keyed in a reply.

 

To: Jongjong

From: Kyungie

Message: At the usual place. Around five o’clock in the afternoon.

 

 

To: Kyungie

From: Jongjong

Message: OK. Go to sleep now. You need it.

Good night. Saranghae.

 

He stared at the last text. Then, he replied again.

 

To: Jongjong

From: Kyungie

Message: Same to you. See you tomorrow.

 

After a few minutes of waiting, Jongin didn’t reply back. He finally put his phone aside and tucked himself to sleep.

As drowsiness slowly engulfed his senses, he thought of tomorrow. He hoped and prayed that after tonight, after everything that he decided to do, everything will be fine. Everyone will be happy.

Eventually.

 

 

~

The spring wind playfully scuffled through Kyungsoo’s hair, fraying against his soft locks like how he thought fate did with his supposedly mundane life. The wafting scent of flowers and the hushed sound of the breeze were his only companions while he solely sat on the wooden bench situated in the peaceful side of the park, waiting patiently for Jongin to arrive. The tranquillity somehow gave him a comforting feeling, but not for too long.

His eyes drifted all over the magnificence of vibrant hues laid out before him, as vivid as the nostalgia it brought about. He could still clearly remember all that happened here. The first meeting . Jongin’s confession.  The first date. Their first kiss. Dates. Reconciliations.

The bittersweet memories. It all happened here. 

Is this risk worth taking? Kyungsoo murmured, his decision still unclear, still as hazy as the orange cloudy sky his gaze is fixed at. 

Lost between the endless horizon and the muddles in his mind, it took a while for him to realize someone already sat beside him. 

In sudden panic, his unprepared heart jumped, expecting to see Jongin. But fortunately, it was another man. A complete stranger. After a sigh of relief, he took a complete assessment of him.

He wore a cream shirt under a light blue cardigan, and brown pants. He had a fairly petite physique like himself. Aside from having high cheekbones, he appeared really cute and looked like a complete male version of Wonder Girl’s Sohee.

Just a split second while imagining how great a wig would look on this man’s crown and let him dance a Wonder Girl’s song, Kyungsoo froze when the stranger noticed him staring.

“Hello.” The man lightly bowed his head and flashed a smile, revealing two rabbit-like front teeth. Kyungsoo quickly averted his eyes and returned a nod shyly.

“Are you waiting for someone, too?” He casually asked.

“Ah, yes.”

“Oh, my name’s Minseok, by the way.” The cute man held out his hand.

“Kyungsoo.” He shook the outstretched hand firmly.  Without a few decent words to say to each other, a long stretch of silence passed.

 

 

“Uhm, Minseok-ssi.” Kyungsoo decided to break the peace.

“Yes?”

“Do you mind if I ask you a weird question?”

“Hmm, not really.” The man laughed. “Sure, go on.”

“Do you believe in fate?”

“That’s a weird question?” Minseok paused and looked at Kyungsoo to see if he was serious.

“I’m sorry, I must’ve-“

“No, it’s okay.” He cut him off. “So, do I believe in it? Well...” He trailed off, looking up at the brightly sun-kissed sky.

“If you call ending up with someone you met at the airport because you were both stranded and getting your luggages switched by accident is called fate, then yes.”

 “Really?” Kyungsoo spurted out, wide-eyed.  So he’s kinda like me.

 

“Yes really. If that’s not enough to be called a coincidence, let me tell you that we had the same flight and boarded the same plane. Our seats were even next to each other.” He chuckled. “We joked about how destined we must really be and then endlessly chatted about ourselves the entire time. The next thing we knew, we were already exchanging numbers and had kept in touch with each other frequently since then.” He smiled.

 “Sounds like the perfect love story, don’t you think? But unfortunately, my father did not approve of our relationship.” Minseok looked down, a hint of sadness beneath his smile.

“He couldn’t accept that his son...liked a man.”

“Oh.” Kyungsoo gasped. “So...What happened after?”

“What happened? Well, let’s just say I fought for Jongdae till the end. I proved to my father that love knows no gender. I barely succeeded, though, but it was worth it.”

“Why?” The question escaped Kyungsoo’s lips without realizing. Minseok looked at him, but not looking surprised or ridiculed at all.

“Because I love him.” He smiled again. “My mom always said that in order to find complete happiness, we should always follow our heart. So that’s what I did.” 

“But... your father... weren’t you afraid you’d hurt him? That he’d hate you forever or something?”  

“Of course I was afraid, silly. It was hard, you know, deciding between two things that weigh the same.” Minseok said. “But one day, it hit me that they don’t really weigh equally. I realized that I can bear losing my father’s trust for me than losing the one whom I truly love.”

“ I thought that if time will permit, my father will accept the truth. And luckily, time did its magic.” He finished. He returned to face Kyungsoo and found him staring deep into space.

 “Uhm, Kyungsoo-ssi?” Minseok waved at the frozen fellow beside him. “You still with me?”

 

Kyungsoo flinched, snapping out of daydream. He fixed his large eyes upon Minseok for a long time.

“Thank you.” He finally uttered. After taking in and pondering over all what he said, things were a bit clearer for him now.

“You’re... welcome?” Unsure of what to do, Minseok just awkwardly smiled. “I should be the one thanking you since you listened to my little mushy love story.”

 

 

“Hey, Minseok.” A male voice interrupted. They both look up and saw a man standing not too distantly from them. He was wearing casual clothes, had brown hair, and cat-like features.

“Oh, you’re here already.” Minseok stood up and approached him.

Kyungsoo also stood up, and bowed for courtesy. The man bowed back.

“Who is he?” Minseok’s friend asked him.

“Ah, he’s Kyungsoo. I just met him here a few minutes ago.” He told him. “And Kyungsoo-ssi, this is Jongdae, the one we’ve just talked about.”

“Hello.”

“Hello, too.”

“Wait,” Jongdae asked. “You were talking about me? What was it about?” He leered at Minseok. He turned to Kyungsoo and asked, “Did he tell you bad things about me?”

“Ah, no, not at all.” Kyungsoo answered. “Actually he was talking about your love story.” He smiled to Jongdae.

“Oh, is that so...” Jongdae shrugged. “I apologize in behalf of this guy, he just loves boasting about our so-called destined meeting.” He rolled his eyes.

“It’s worth boasting anyway.” Minseok made a face at him. “Well, I guess we have to go now. It was nice meeting you, Kyungsoo-ssi. Till next time!”

“Till next time. Take care.”

The couple left shortly after they exchanged parting greetings with Kyungsoo. Now he’s left all alone again.

 

He was still reflecting on everything, on what he should do. Good thing he met Minseok, who gave a little enlightenment in spite of his disorderly thoughts. While in the midst of contemplation, he heard running footsteps nearing towards him. He looked up, and suddenly all the seemingly organized thoughts he had constructed a whim ago disappeared like a burst bubble.

 

Jongin has finally arrived.

 

“I’m sorry I’m late, I just happened to run into someone...” The flawless-looking lad huffed, trying to regain regular breathing. After a short while, he finally sat beside Kyungsoo, leaving just a few inches away from him. “So, what are we going to talk about?” He turned his head to the shorter with a smile.

Kyungsoo avoided the taller’s face, and instead focused on the distant horizon. He kept silent for a few minutes before deciding to speak up.

“Don’t you think I’m such a bad person, Jongin?” Kyungsoo asked, focus still remote. Taken aback, the darker one took a few seconds before responding.

“Ahh, is this about last night? Nah, I know you just weren’t in the right mood.” He took the fairer’s hand and squeezed it, wanting to show him that it was alright.

Startled by the sudden contact, Kyungsoo snatched his hand away from Jongin’s touch. This surprised Jongin, too.

“I-I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo’s fist curled up into a ball. I’m hurting him again.

 “That’s... okay.” Jongin blinked anxiously, trying to mask his disappointment with a fake chuckle. He directed his attention to the colourful array of flowers in front of them, and stayed silent.

 

They remained like that for a while, sitting side by side without saying a single word to each other, letting the hush of the air take with it the growing minutes that spanned, trying to figure out what’s going on between the other’s head.  The atmosphere was quiet yet heavy, its weight pressing down on the two’s minds in unison with complete turmoil.

 

“Jongin?”

Kyungsoo finally broke off the silence with a shaky undertone, mustering up all the courage he had left, swallowing all the fears and hesitation. He couldn’t keep the gauche stillness up anymore. Jongin cocked his head towards his direction, a somewhat poignant feeling coming from his expression, albeit having a calm and unreadable appearance.

“Yes?”

“D-do you still remember what I said about accidents and coincidences?”

Jongin looked away from Kyungsoo and gave a little smirk, the little curve giving off the uncertain indication between amusement and disdain. “Yeah. You said they don’t exist.” He murmured softly. “That all is done by fate. That everything happens for a reason.”

“Then...  Let me ask you a question.” He paused. “Is there such a thing such as accidentally falling in love?”

“If...” Jongin thought, “I base it on your philosophy, then no, I guess?”

“Accidentally falling out of love?” Kyungsoo asked softly, gaze appearing distant. Detached.

“No..?” Jongin answered again, a bit uncomfortable of Kyungsoo’s sudden questions. He looked at him, confused. “Wait Kyungie, why are you asking these kind of---“

“Accidentally being unfaithful?” Kyungsoo went on, ignoring Jongin’s interjections.

“---things...“ Jongin shadowed off, realizing Kyungsoo wasn’t asking him for answers. He sounded more like he was convincing himself with these questions.

“Accidentally thinking about someone you only wanted to forget?” The older continued asking.

 “Kyungsoo.”

“Accidentally hurting the people around you because you just ca-”

 “Do Kyungsoo!” Jongin bellowed, grabbing the other’s shoulders and shaking some sense into him. “What are you really trying to get at?”

Kyungsoo stared at him, his eyes almost appearing soulless.

 

 

 “Four.”

A gentle whisper escaped in the shorter’s voice.

“Four?”

“Four months. It was exactly four months ago.”

“Wha-? Last December? What do you mea-“

“Listen, Jongin.” Kyungsoo continued to watch him, a flicker of light showing in his large eyes.

“Last winter, I met a man. I met him over buying a pair of mittens.” He continued with a quick sneer of irony.

“That man…I spent barely a day with him yet I felt that I’ve already known him for so long. You know that moment when you a get feeling that you share a special connection with someone? That feeling that you just kind of ‘clicked’? That was exactly how I felt when I was with him.

But after that meeting with him, everything started to change. I started to become confused.

Although he caused this little skirmish of thoughts and feelings to me, I still don’t regret that I met him.”

“You know what I regret?”

 Kyungsoo paused, waiting for Jongin to react. But the younger stayed silent, his features still perfect even under bewilderment.

“Believing in destiny. Believing that there’s some special force in this world that magically connects person to person.

Because of that stupid thing, I ended up not asking for his address. Or his number. And even his name.

I regret how I didn’t take real chances.

 Because if I just did what a normal person would have done, this wouldn’t all happen to me. To us.”

Kyungsoo paused, feeling Jongin’s grip on his shoulders slowly relaxing. Slowly realizing his words.

 

“But fate is cruel.” He continued. “Ah, here I go again, blabbering about it.” He let out a bitter laugh.

“Tch.  Who said it’s all nice and wonderful, anyway? It’s only like that at first. Yeah, it brings people together and makes them believe that they’re actually meant to be; only to play with people’s lives and watch them miserably get tangled into the y traps it planned out for them afterwards. In reality, it’s a sadistic prick. Or is it that I’m just biased? I don’t care. It has been sadistic to me.

If I just didn’t have such strong beliefs in it, If I just didn’t have them... Things… they would have been different. “ Kyungsoo lowered his head and looked at Jongin’s hands. They were shaking.

“I wouldn’t have gotten curious every day about how he could’ve been doing.

I wouldn’t have thought about that person every day.

I wouldn’t have felt guilty every time I secretly think about him even whenever I’m with you.

 I wouldn’t have shouted at you last night. And I...”His voice cracked, looking back at the younger.

 

 

“I wouldn’t have to hurt you like this.”

 

 “I’m sorry, Jongin. I’m sorry…” Kyungsoo tugged his own hair in frustration. Jongin just stared at him, still not moving a muscle.

“Every time I attempt to move the gap closer between my world and his, the more your world and mine drifted apart. I haven’t... I didn’t plan to...” he tried to fight the building sting in his eyes.

 

 

“...Fall in love with that guy.”

 

 “The moment I realized that, I tried to forget about everything. I tried to be the old Kyungsoo who doesn’t love anyone and anything besides you.” He smiled resentfully. “But that wasn’t enough. I couldn’t just forget about him. And it makes me guilty thinking how much love I couldn’t return back to you, like how I used to. It makes me guilty to realize how selfish a person I’m being.”

 “I’ve been selfish. And I don’t want to be selfish any longer.” “That’s why, we should...”

 

 

“Ha.” Jongin interrupted with a short heave of air.

“Ha... Haha. Hahahaha.” His laugh in fake amusement, the bitterness poorly concealed underneath.

“You’re... you’re joking, right?” Jongin asked, his eyes searching on Kyungsoo’s face for confirmation. “Aigoo, Kyungie, making up a story like that... You could already become a great writer! You almost got me there. And I never knew you could act so well. You could pass as an actor, too! I’ll become your manager, and I’ll make you debut,—“

“Stop.”

“—in a really big drama, and you’ll get famous really fast—“

“Stop it!” Kyungsoo shouted. “Stop it... Don’t make this harder for me and for you.”

“W-wah, are we already practicing for the audition piece? Amazing, how can you make it sound so heartbreaking? You make it feel so real—“

“Jongin.” Kyungsoo forcefully took the blabbering man to face him. He could see the ball of unstable emotions rounding up his dark brown eyes. He let out a deep sigh, and looked at him with stern eyes.

“This is real.”

This is it. There’s no turning back.

 

 

“I’m... breaking up with you.”

 

 

There. I finally said it.

Little by little, Kyungsoo’s touch slowly left Jongin’s warmth. Little by little, confusion in the younger’s eyes turned from denial to dejection. To fear.

 

“No... “ Jongin panicked.

“No, please don’t do this, Kyungsoo.” He pleaded.

 “I love you. I really do. You know that, right? What did you not like about me? What should I do to make you stay? I’m willing to change anything. I’m willing to forget all those things you said, just... just don’t leave me.” He begged, gripping Kyungsoo’s hand tighter.

 

 

“Jebal ttonajima.”

 

 

Seeing Jongin like this, seeing Jongin hurting so much because of him was shattering Kyungsoo’s heart. But if he gave in to him, he would only lengthen his suffering. He could not bear to give him false happiness. He could not bear to be so unfair. His conscience would only eat up his sanity if this goes on. He had to do this earlier, so that things wouldn’t get worse. So that Jongin would have more time to heal. More time to get over him.

He shook his head and cupped Jongin’s face. “The problem is not you, Jongin. It’s me.” He looked at his aggrieved eyes.

“I love you, too. I did.

There’s nothing wrong with you. As a matter of fact, you are wonderful. Perfect. I know you are. I have seen it from all the days we’ve been together.”

“That’s why,” Kyungsoo sniffled. “,you deserve someone as wonderful and as perfect as you. Someone who deserves your love. Someone who could also give you the love you deserve. And I realized...”

He paused for a moment and searched Jongin’s pained face struggling to hold back the tears.

 

 

“...I’m not that someone, Jongin.”

 

 

“No...” Jongin broke down into choked sobs, fists balled up in refutation. The sight of his pain was slowly killing Kyungsoo, but he constantly reminded himself of the reasons why he’s doing this. He wiped the tears that trickled down from Jongin’s cheeks. He waited for him to say a word, but the younger kept sobbing. He continued to speak.

 

“I know that after this, I won’t expect that you’ll forgive me. I won’t expect that you’ll forget about me. But when that time comes... or when you accidentally find yourself thinking about me, I don’t wish you to remember what I have done today.

I wish for you to remember all the happy and precious moments we’ve spent together. I wish for you to remember that despite all of what we had done, there was a point in our lives that we both really loved each other in that special way.” He told him.

“You had given me happiness. And I know you can give me a lot more.

 

But the problem is, I can’t. I can’t give you the happiness you ought to have.

The longer I’ll stay with you, the greater my guilt will become. Sooner or later, I would get completely consumed by this guilt, and I won’t be able to make you happy.

 

 

And you deserve to be happy. That’s why you need another person to give you that kind of feeling. “

 

 

 

Jongin shook his head violently and stared at Kyungsoo, his desperate eyes searching for a little hesitation in the man’s face, hoping he’ll have a change of mind. He sought to find that little glint of love he always saw from Kyungsoo’s large eyes every time their gazes met.

He found a glint, but it wasn’t the same. What he found beneath his eyes was not the look of love anymore. It was pity.

Do you truly don’t feel the same way anymore? His heart crumbles upon thought. Is this really the end?

Jongin closed his eyes and continued crying softly, still not saying a word, still clutching Kyungsoo’s hand. He gave it a tighter squeeze.

 

 

 

Tears streamed down Kyungsoo’s cheeks as he felt Jongin’s grip tensed. His grasp was so tight that he could not feel anything anymore. The tautness of Jongin’s grip only made Kyungsoo realize one thing: he’s not letting him go.

Kyungsoo stood stiff, his mind already completely clouded again to decide which is right or wrong.

 Is this what I really want?  He thought.

 To find happiness with another man in exchange for another’s misery? To leave a person who’s willing to give all that he has just to make me stay and look for some uncertain destiny with a man I barely spent my life with? 

He stared at Jongin, who still had his eyes shut while crying. If I leave this man... he thought, unconsciously reaching out towards the guy.  Will it be worth it?

Kyungsoo almost gave in when he felt Jongin’s hand finally let go.  He flinched, pulling himself back to clarity. He slowly looked at Jongin. Although still shut-eyed, the younger one’s pained expression changed into something unexpected – something relaxed. Defeat.

With his voice cracking a little, Jongin gently murmured, “If this is what you really want...

 

 

 

 

“..Then promise me you’ll find that guy.

And that you’ll find happiness...

 

 

 ...With him.”

 

 

He opened his eyes and looked at Kyungsoo like it’ll be the last time he’ll see him.

“As long as you’re happy... I’m happy.” He added, smiling a sad smile.

 

 

 

“And stop giving me that look, it’s spoiling the mood.” Jongin chuckled softly, a little smirk curling up his lips despite the depressing atmosphere.

“Really, you can relax now, Kyungie. Your eyes seem like they’d come out from their sockets at any second now.” He snorted, trying to contain his amusement behind his tear-stained face.

 

As much drama they just had, Kyungsoo still couldn’t help but let out a short laugh at Jongin’s remark. It still took a while to restore his shocked eyes to normal and his speech capabilities, though.

 

“But I don’t... I can’t... Promises...” Kyungsoo replied in unfinished phrases.

“Please promise me.” Jongin requested.  “Or I’ll change my mind.” He threatened, joking half-true.

“I... I promise.” Kyungsoo answered with uncertainty.

“Good enough.” Jongin leaned in and kissed Kyungsoo’s forehead lightly.

 

 

 

“I’ll miss you.” He embraced the petite guy tightly.

“Me... too.” Kyungsoo hugged back. This warmth. I’ll miss it.

 

The twilight’s gloomy shades gradually replaced the sunset’s bright, fiery hues, slowly hovering over the two people at the place they once shared many first, sweet memories together. Two people who never knew that it would also be the same place where they’d share their lasts.

 

“Will you promise me something in return, too?” Not yet letting go, Kyungsoo looked up at the taller. “In the future, although not with me,” Kyungsoo paused. “Will you promise to find happiness, too?”

Jongin just lightly nodded without saying a word. Kyungsoo buried his face in his chest, trying to at least make the most out of their limited time, attempting to make up for everything  a little longer.

 

“We should part now, Jongin.” Kyungsoo finally drew back, gently releasing himself from the other’s embrace. “We’ll meet again. I know it.” He told him. “And I hope that when that happens, we’ve already fulfilled our promises.”

The younger, although a little diffident, submissively let go of him. He had this heartbreaking smile in his face.

Straightening himself up, Kyungsoo distanced himself slowly and gave him a departing bow.

“Goodbye.” He turned his back and started to walk to the opposite direction.

 

 

As he widened the space between him  and Jongin, he looked at his own feet sauntering away. Despite appearing small and light, his every step felt heavy.

Every step meant pain.

Betrayal. Abandonment.

 

But that’s okay.

It also meant acceptance.

Hope. Freedom.

 

Not having been strayed too far ahead, he stopped, turned back and smiled at the man who loved him. At the man whom he used to love.  With hands cupped around his mouth, he shouted to him,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 “Thank you, Jongin.”

 

---

 

A/N: Writing this chapter has been a really heartbreaking experience for me. I’m originally a KaiSoo shipper so it was a bit hard for me to part them. Especially the parts with Jongin crying and being desperate. But this is a ChanSoo fic after all, so I’ll sail my KaiSoo ship to another story. /hinthint

Anyway, I’m really sorry that it took me a few (an insane lot of) months to update.  white63 and I had been very busy with lots of things especially with our studies (yes we actually have lives out of AFF XD). Thank heavens I found time and inspiration this week that pushed me to continue this story. Yay! /throws confetti

So did this chap break your heart, too? Or did it agitate you even more now? Or both? LOL. Dun worry, the next chap is the last chap. And hopefully it won’t take us a year to finish it. XD

Again, we would like to thank all of you for subscribing and supporting us dynamically through your comments and feedbacks. They really boost our morale and motivate us even more. We never thought that this fic would get so much love from the readers. >u<

And lastly, did you ever wonder what happened to Jongin or Baekhyun after Kyungsoo and Chanyeol decided to leave them? Ohoho, you’ll find out soon~