Did someone hit me with a hammer last night?

            Sungjong woke in his own bed with a splitting headache. He didn’t think he had drank that much. He remembered everything; at least before Myungsoo got him in the cab. What had happened after that?

            Sungjong stumbled over his blankets as he made his way to the door. Across the hall he saw that Myungsoo and Sungyeol’s door was left slightly ajar. He was tempted to look in, but continued past the kitchen and towards the bathroom.

            His reflection in the mirror was ghastly. His skin was pallid and his eyes sunken as if he hadn’t slept at all. His bang was tucked tightly behind his ear and he removed it quickly. He didn’t want to see his face today.

            When he stepped out of the bathroom he saw that the main room wasn’t empty. In front of the television, Hoya was laying on his back with Dongwoo curled up next to him. Sungjong shivered just thinking about how cold they must be sleeping on the ground all night like that. He grabbed the blankets from his room and quickly covered them; stepping over junk food wrappers along the way.

            Sunggyu and Julia were due back by noon so Sungjong cleaned everything he could. When the kitchen and the main room were spotless, apart from the snoozing rappers, he went to check his own room. It looked as tidy as ever.

            “Get off of me!” Sungjong heard someone shout from Myungsoo and Sungyeol’s room. He crossed the hall in a heartbeat and pushed the door open.

            Myungsoo was sitting up in his bed; staring wide eyed at an equally surprised Sungyeol. Sungyeol was kneeling in the middle of the floor between their two beds; rubbing his elbow.

            “Sorry I must have thought your bed was mine. You don’t have to be violent about it,” Sungyeol grumbled.

            “Just don’t touch me,” Myungsoo said quietly before he shook himself and looked to Sungjong. Their eyes met for a moment, but Sungjong couldn’t read him. He never could. The only thing that Sungjong knew was that Myungsoo was not happy.

            Myungsoo turned his body and faced the wall before pulling the blanket over his head. Sungyeol looked to Sungjong with disbelief, but his face changed suddenly. He turned pale and one of his hands went to his stomach while the other hand covered his mouth. Sungyeol bolted to his feet and pushed past Sungjong on his way to the bathroom.

            “Looks like Sungyeolie drank a bit too much last night,” Sungjong joked lightheartedly to his friend’s back.

            Myungsoo didn’t respond.

            “You must be tired after having to deal with all of us last night. I’ll let you sleep.” Sungjong waited for a response again, but didn’t receive one. He felt dread creeping up inside his belly. Something wasn’t right with him.

            “Are you alright, hyung?” He asked as he came closer to his bed.

            Myungsoo twitched a little at the word hyung. Sungjong timidly laid a hand on Myungsoo’s shoulder, but he moved away.  

            “Stay back, Sungjong. I think I’m sick,” Myungsoo finally answered. His voice was gentle, but insistent. Sungjong did as he was told and backed away.

            “I can get you something. Maybe some tea,” Sungjong offered quietly. For some reason he felt like he should whisper.

            “I’m just going to sleep,” he responded; never turning from the wall.

            Sungjong gave up and left quietly. Why would he be sick? He didn’t even drink. He didn’t look sick either. Sungjong felt like it had something to do with him. Was he too much the night before? Did he do something wrong? He tried to remember after the cab ride, but it was all darkness in his head.

            Sungjong wandered into the main room while he pondered to himself. He was walking by the hall to the front entrance when he heard a familiar voice.

            “I’m sure everything is fine,” Julia was saying as she kicked her shoes off by the door. Sunggyu was behind her in the apartment building hallway with both of their luggage bags.

            “Call it leader’s intuition. Something is wrong,” Sunggyu said back.

            “Women’s intuition is stronger and I think everything is going to be just fine,” Julia said before she finally looked up and saw Sungjong. Her face lit up like she hadn’t seen him in ten years.

            “Sungjongie!” She all but screamed as she ran to him and jumped up to hug him. She wasn’t heavy by any means, but Sungjong wasn’t very strong and he flew back a little. But he didn’t mind. When he held his noona he felt some of his stress released.

            She started in on a million questions as Sunggyu silently came up and ruffled his hair before looking around the apartment. Sungjong watched as Sunggyu peeked into the spotless kitchen and then the freshly cleaned main room.

            “What’s happening here,” he asked pointing towards the still sleeping rappers. Sungjong had no idea how they managed to stay asleep with Julia there now.

            “I don’t know. They must have passed out watching television. I went to bed early.” Julia beamed at the news that he went to bed early. She still over concerned herself with his sleeping habits.

            “You don’t look like you got a lot of sleep,” Sunggyu said suspiciously as he moved towards the bathroom.

            “He looks fine,” Julia said brightly as she rubbed Sungjong’s arm. “I told you there was nothing to worry about.”

            Sunggyu opened the bathroom door and stopped dead.

            “Sungjongie can you explain this,” Sunggyu said quietly as he pointed into the bathroom. Sungjong didn’t like his tone. He approached the door slowly and Julia trailed a step behind. When he was standing next to his leader he could see what needed explaining. Sitting on the bathroom floor was Sungyeol. He was sleeping peacefully with his arm and head on the toilet seat. The room smelled like vomit.

            Sungjong just gave his leader wide clueless eyes. He had a hard time lying to Sunggyu so he tried to get away with saying nothing.

            “Sungyeol!” Sunggyu shouted in his strongest leader voice. Sungyeol started awake and got to his feet; suddenly scared.

            “I’m trying to sleep in here!” They all heard Woohyun’s voice coming from the small room, but they couldn’t see him.

            Sungyeol turned to the shower and pushed aside the curtain. Laying in the bathtub with his feet sticking out over the rim was Woohyun. He still had one shoe on and he was using a towel as a blanket.

            “Wait… Am I in the bathtub?” He asked everyone as he pulled himself up with his forearms bracing the tub’s rim.

            Sunggyu stormed into the room and turned the cold water on. Woohyun made an inhuman screeching sound as he tried to get away, but Sunggyu held him there even though he was getting wet in the process too. When Woohyun stopped struggling Sunggyu brought his glare back to Sungyeol. Sungyeol still looked terrified even as he spun quickly from Sunggyu and began vomiting into the toilet.

            “I guess my women’s intuition isn’t the best,” noona said dryly.

            Sunggyu quickly piled everyone into the main room for a scolding. He was standing in front of the hung over members with his leader glare on when he realized Myungsoo was missing. He stomped towards his bedroom.

            “Wait. He isn’t feeling well,” Sungjong shouted out.

            Sunggyu him. Sungjong tried not to gulp. “Was he with you guys yesterday?”

            Everyone gave Sunggyu blank stares. He took their silence as a yes. Sunggyu came out of the room a moment later holding Myungsoo by the arm. He dragged him to where they all waited on the ground and pushed him to a sitting position next to Sungjong. Sungjong noticed that Myungsoo’s eyes stayed glued to the ground as he sat.

            Sunggyu paced in front of them for a minute before he finally started to speak. He was about to go in on his tirade when he noticed Julia.

            “Julia, what are you doing sitting with them?” Their heads all turned to the left to see Julia sitting on the ground next to a still damp Woohyun. “I can’t yell at them with you sitting there. You haven’t done anything wrong. Get over here.”

            She got up sheepishly and moved next to Sunggyu. She was to them the second leader of the band, but she was still a big softy. She rarely yelled about anything and when she did she usually wasn’t serious. She looked at them all sympathetically as Sunggyu began his interrogation.

            Sungjong could tell Sunggyu was struggling to control himself as each part of their story was told. At first they tried to hide things, but Sunggyu knew they were lying. The truth was if they hid the bad parts there wasn’t much to tell.

            When he found out they had drank soju he stepped forward in anger as if he wanted to hit someone. But he would never strike any of them. None of them so much as flinched. Julia grabbed his hand anyway and held it as he calmed down. Sungjong felt bad for their leader. They didn’t exactly make things easy for him.

            Sungjong was nervous during the telling of the story, but when Sunggyu began talking about Sungjong in particular; his anxiety doubled.

            “Not only did you put all of yourselves in danger, but you put Sungjong at risk as well. You guys are supposed to take care of your dongsaengs when I’m not here,” he said looking mostly at Dongwoo and Woohyun. But then he turned his sharp gaze on Myungsoo, “And you of all people, Myungsoo. I would think you would be more careful with him. He’s your only dongsaeng.”

            Myungsoo was motionless beside Sungjong during the whole scolding, but he tensed after what Sunggyu said. Sungjong wanted to reach out and comfort him, but he knew that wouldn’t help at this moment.

            “Bed time is at 8pm for everyone for the next two weeks unless we have a special event. There will be no television and we will all practice an hour longer every day.” Sungjong could see the wheels spinning in Sunggyu’s brain as he tried to come up with more punishments. “And there will be no breaks during practice.”

            “Honey, you can’t take away breaks,” Julia spoke up. “They’ll pass out. You need breaks, too. You are Grandpa Gyu after all.”

            They all tried not to laugh when she called him Grandpa Gyu. Sungjong even saw Myungsoo put his head down to hide a smile. His little smile cleared some of Sungjong’s nerves.

            Sunggyu was looking towards the ground and trying to control his anger. Sungjong was worried that he might have an aneurysm, but his heated expression melted when he looked to Julia. She was smiling devilishly at him. He struggled to remain serious.

            “You have a point,” he said with a nod. “But just for that comment there will be no sugary foods for anyone all week.”

            They all listened as Julia in her breath in shock. “But…” she started sadly.

            “No ice cream, no cookies, no lollipops, no desserts of any kind,” he said smiling arrogantly at Julia. It was like the rest of the band members weren’t even there anymore.

            She looked so sad it would have been upsetting if it wasn’t so funny at the same time. Julia wasn’t one to roll over and die just like that, though.

            She approached Sunggyu with a pout and grabbed his arm. “Oppa,” she whined cutely as she batted her eyelashes.

            “Oh god no. Stop that,” Sunggyu begged as he tried to back away. His expression was one of pure horror. As far as Sungjong knew noona had never called him Oppa before. She didn’t like aegyo, but she had used it once or twice when she was desperate. Sungjong was not surprised that she was bringing out the big guns with her sweets on the line.

            “Oppa, let us eat candy,” she whined as she stomped her feet like a child and pulled on their leader’s arm. The others were all laughing; even Sungyeol was laughing through his nausea.

            “Julia, please I mean it. I’m trying to lead,” he whined back at her. Their leader pouted, too. It wasn’t intentional, though. He had always been that way. He had a natural pout when he spoke sometimes.

            Apparently, she liked his whining voice more than he liked hers. Her eyes sparkled up at him like he was the cutest thing she’d ever seen.

            She leaned up and put on Sunggyu’s ear and spoke in a lower, huskier voice, “Please Sunggyu.”  Sungjong witnessed a visible shiver run through Sunggyu’s body.

            “Okay fine you can keep the sugar. Just stop please.” He stood looking at the ground in thought as Julia danced victoriously in place.

            Sunggyu was still thinking when something suddenly occurred to him.

            “Did you guys check the internet yet to see if anyone spotted you last night?”

            They all looked at each other blankly before Dongwoo rushed over to the computer. All eight members crowded around trying to catch a peek. Unfortunately, it didn’t take long to find pictures taken by fans.

            There were a few shots of them running down the street that weren’t incriminating because they all looked like blurs. But there had been at least one fan at the carnival that had spotted them. Because of their disguises the photos still couldn’t be taken as definitive proof that it was them, but people were going to speculate. The photos were mostly boring, but Sungjong stiffened when he saw one of him and Myungsoo. They were on the ferris wheel and they were holding hands as they pointed out at the carousal together. Because of the distance and the low angle that the photo was taken only Sungjong’s body was shown clearly. Myungsoo was mostly hidden by Sungjong and their conjoined arms. Dongwoo scrolled by the picture quickly paying it no special attention, but Sungjong felt Myungsoo’s body go rigid beside his.

            “Those aren’t bad. Right hyung?” Dongwoo asked sounding hopeful.

            “Yeah you can barely tell those were us. Even I wasn’t sure which one of us it was in most of those,” Hoya added.

            Sunggyu gave them both a death stare.

            “People are commenting in a thread at the bottom,” Dongwoo said as he scrolled down, but Sunggyu leaned over and shut the monitor off.

            “We don’t read the fans comments remember,” Sunggyu said sternly. They all remembered when they first debuted and the fans were bashing Julia online. Since then Sunggyu didn’t want them to look at that stuff. He said it wouldn’t help. “Executive Choi will let us know what they are saying if it is important. I don’t want anyone looking at it. It will just drive you crazy.”

            He backed away then and moved towards his door. “I have to make some calls. I want everyone to go to their rooms. I don’t want anyone leaving them for the rest of the day unless it’s to get food or use the bathroom. Julia do you want to join me?”

            Julia’s eyes lit up and she nodded emphatically. Sunggyu was making her part of his decision making processes and business calls more and more often and Sungjong knew how much it excited her. Looks like he’d be in his room alone tonight.

              Myungsoo tried to calm his racing brain. He hadn’t slept at all last night. He had stayed in Sungjong’s room watching him sleep longer than he thought. He tried writing in his journal a little to relieve his stress. It usually helped, but he had never experienced something like this before. It was like a switch had inside of him and he was fumbling around in the dark; trying in vain to shut it back off.  

            He just kept thinking about Sungjong. He thought about him often enough as it was because he loved him and he was his best friend, but this was very different. Why was he thinking about the silkiness of Sungjong’s hair as he pushed it away from his face? Or the laughter in his brown eyes when Sungjong watched him over his scarf? Or the sensation his lips caused when they moved over the skin of Myungsoo’s neck? He felt anxious and excited and confused every time Jongie’s beautiful smiling face appeared on the back of his eyelids.

            He could hear Sungjong’s voice in his head calling him hyung and for some reason it gave him a chill. When Sungjong had come to his room in the morning Myungsoo was afraid to speak, but his sweet voice insisted that Myungsoo pay attention to him. He had a hard time denying Sungjong anything.

            But what did all of this mean?

            Myungsoo was lying in bed, listening to Sungyeol’s light snores, when he heard Sungjong’s door open. Before he could think about what he was doing he had run to his own door and opened it a crack. He poked his head out. In the darkened hall, Myungsoo could just make out Sungjong’s figure heading towards the main room.

            Sungjong disappeared around the corner into the main room and Myungsoo began to worry. He wasn’t supposed to be out of his room unless he was getting food or going to the bathroom, but Sungjong wasn’t doing either of those things. What was he doing? Myungsoo was suddenly alarmed.

            He left his room and tiptoed towards the main room silently. When he made his way around the corner he saw that Sungjong had turned the computer monitor back on and was scanning the page quickly. The room was pitch black and the computer screen lit Sungjong’s face perfectly. Myungsoo tried not to think of the carousal star shining brightly against the dark river as he stared at Sungjong’s radiance in the computer’s glow.

            Myungsoo dared to step out a little further so he could see Sungjong’s face better. He was sure Sungjong would not notice him standing there even if he looked right at him. The screen’s brightness would blind him; concealing Myungsoo as he waited in the darkness.

            Sungjong’s round eyes were moving franticly. Myungsoo saw his shapely lips silently mouthing the words on the screen as he read them.

            Myungsoo couldn’t help but smile. It often looked like Sungjong was talking to himself when he was actually just reading in his head. Sungjong had told Myungsoo before that he was often reprimanded for talking in class when he was a kid, but he was actually reading every time.

            Myungsoo stopped smiling when Sungjong’s lips and his already wide eyes froze in fear. Myungsoo felt a pang in his heart when he saw him like that. He wanted to go over to him, but he stood still as Sungjong scrolled a little more. Myungsoo watched in silent pain as tears formed in his friend’s eyes.

            He was about to run over when Sungjong shut the screen off. Now they were both immersed in the darkness. Myungsoo turned and quickly scurried back to his room before Sungjong could get to the hallway.

            He waited till he heard Sungjong’s door close before he made his way back to the main room and the screen. It took him a moment to find the page again because Sungjong had closed the window. He looked at the picture of them holding hands and felt the pit of worry form again in his gut.

            He scanned down the comments until he found what was upsetting Sungjong:

            -That definitely looks like Sungjong. But who is the other one?

            - Can’t be sure, but they look awfully close don’t you think?

            -He has to be gay. Look at how they are holding hands.

            -There isn’t even an inch of space between them either

            -They could just be cold

            -I’ve always thought Sungjong was gay

            Myungsoo saw that the comments went on and on, but his eyes could only focus on one word that kept reappearing; gay. He felt tears start to build up in his own eyes as he scrolled angrily down the page. People were talking about Sungjong’s looks, the way he dressed, and the way he danced to girl group songs. The conversation seemed to mostly focus on Sungjong’s uality. Myungsoo could hardly control his rage as he closed out the page and cleared the history. As if that would erase it. It was too late. Sungjong had already seen it.

            Myungsoo approached his friend’s door and put his ear against it. He could almost hear him crying in there. Julia was in Sunggyu’s room still so Myungsoo knew that he was crying alone.

            He fought the urge to go comfort Sungjong for as long as he could. He had decided last night that he would keep his distance from Sungjong, but he couldn’t abandon him. Not when he needed him most.

            Myungsoo opened the door slowly and peeked in. The room was completely black except for the light drifting in from the window. The glow from the city lights came in from below the window and the moonlight shined through from above. Framed by the mixture of natural and unnatural light was Sungjong. Myungsoo saw his thin, shaking frame as he stared out the window towards the distant river.

            He closed the door silently and made his way across the room. He didn’t want to scare him, but at the same time he couldn’t bring himself to speak. He didn’t know what to say.

            Sungjong’s hushed crying was the only sound as he brought himself within arm’s reach of his friend. He stood by him quietly for a moment as he debated what to do, but he didn’t have to debate long because Sungjong seemed to sense his presence. Sungjong turned with a little start, but he didn’t seem surprised when he registered that it was Myungsoo standing behind him.

            “Why are you here?” Sungjong asked. His voice sounded thick from the tears.

            “Because you’re upset,” Myungsoo answered.

            “You wouldn’t be here if you knew why,” Sungjong mumbled to himself miserably.

            “I read what the fans said.”

            “You did?” Sungjong’s voice was a near whisper.

            Myungsoo nodded as he stepped closer to his friend so that they were both in the glow. Myungsoo had never noticed that the ferris wheel was visible from the window before. He looked at it and smiled sadly.

            “Aren’t you afraid to be near me?” Sungjong asked incredulously.

            In many ways Myungsoo was afraid to be near Sungjong, but it wasn’t because of him. It was because of his own strange feelings that were currently taking over his body. He reached out and brushed Sungjong’s hair back behind his ear. Myungsoo placed his feet directly in front of his friend’s and looked openly into his tearstained face.

            “Not a chance, Jongie,” he said simply as he used his thumbs to wipe the tears from Sungjong’s cheeks.

            Sungjong’s eyes closed as he took in a shaky breath and let it out slowly. When he opened them again they found Myungsoo’s. Myungsoo watched as Sungjong’s eyes flitted from his lips up to his eyes before he slowly leaned in.

            Myungsoo told his body to move away, but his body didn’t listen. He stood stock still as Sungjong’s lips delicately met his. Myungsoo’s eyes closed against their will when his friend’s supple lips moved over his slowly and almost tentatively.

            Myungsoo knew this was wrong, but his lips moved on their own as they connected with Sungjong’s; like pieces to a puzzle finally being brought together. His hand floated up to Sungjong’s face and grazed his cheek slowly. His warm tears continued to fall down his cheeks and into Myungsoo’s hands. Sungjong’s chest hitched as he pushed his body a little closer; deepening the kiss.

            Myungsoo’s heart was beating fast from the shock of the sudden kiss. The rapid drumming in his ears sounded like a signal; warning him that this was dangerous. He took the warning sign literally as he pulled his face back a little, but Sungjong leaned forward in an attempt to stay connected.

            Myungsoo quickly took a whole step back and felt Sungjong’s lips leave his. They felt oddly cold now. He put his fingers to them and continued to back away.

            He had lied to Sungjong. He was afraid. What was Sungjong doing to him?

            “I’m sorry,” Sungjong whispered with shame as he also took a step back.

            “It’s okay. Everything will be okay,” Myungsoo said softly. He wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince himself or Sungjong.

            “I shouldn’t have done that… Are you okay, hyung?” His sweet voice calling him hyung was threatening to break him down. He backed away slowly towards the door.

            “I’m fine. Just get some rest, Sungjong. It’s okay,” he repeated; wishing that saying it would make it true.

            Myungsoo walked away feeling lightheaded and confused. He left Sungjong and stepped out into the now lit hallway. He bumped into Julia as he turned towards the kitchen and she slid on the floor; almost falling. He caught her by her arms and held her steady as she just laughed brightly.

            “I’m sorry noona,” Myungsoo said quietly. He didn’t mean to always speak so quietly, but he was afraid if he spoke louder or more often that all of his hidden thoughts would just start spilling out of his mouth. He didn’t want to reveal that much of himself to anyone. He didn’t even reveal his whole self to his journal.

            “It’s fine Myungsoo,” she said still chuckling lightheartedly, but then she looked at his face and became a little concerned. He was usually good at hiding his emotions, but she knew something was wrong. “Are you okay? You’re flushed.”

            “I’m fine.”

            “Then why are you still holding my arms,” she asked quietly. He hadn’t noticed he was still holding her. He didn’t let go as he met her eyes.

            “Would it be alright if I hugged you, noona,” he asked in a near whisper.

            “Of course. Oh my god Myungsoo,” she nearly cried out as she went to her tippy toes and hugged him around the neck. “Of course you can. Why would you even ask that?”

            “Thank you, noona,” Myungsoo sighed as he struggled to hold back his emotions. At least now she couldn’t see his face.

            He felt many things while he hugged her; love, warmth, support, affection, comfort. But he didn’t feel any attraction. Shouldn’t he feel at least some sort of attraction towards her? She was beautiful. She had a woman’s body. She even smelled good.

            But maybe it wasn’t that weird; she was his noona after all. He had honestly never thought about her any other way until now. He had never found it strange before, but perhaps he should have. The others had admitted when they first started in the band that they found her attractive, but he never had. Not in that way.

            All he could think about as he held her was how cold his lips were now without Sungjong. He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and bit down on it painfully.

            He tightened his embrace. Myungsoo no longer cared about whether he was attracted to her or not. Now he just felt like he needed a hug.

            “Myungsoo, do you need to talk to me about something? I can tell something is wrong,” he heard her say by his ear.

            “I just missed you and Sunggyu hyung. Is it okay if I hug you a little longer?” He was on the brink of tears now as they stood in the hallway holding each other.

            “As long as you want,” she said without hesitation. She wrapped her arms tighter around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. He almost felt bad for not talking to her. He knew that she wouldn’t judge him, but he couldn’t even admit to himself what was wrong. He couldn’t write it down and he certainly couldn’t say it aloud to anyone.

             Why is this happening to me? He had never felt attracted to a man before, but he had never really paid much attention to either gender in a ual way. He was always focusing on his career and he was still so young.

            Maybe he just needed to kiss a girl. Just to see. He was holding a girl right now, but he couldn’t kiss noona. There were so many things wrong with that.

            He realized that as he thought, noona was trying to get his attention.

            “Myungsoo… Myungsoo,” she was saying softly in his ear as if she was trying not to alarm him. He realized he had been squeezing her. He loosened his grip a little.  Myungsoo, Myungsoo, you are so confused Myungsoo. You are nothing like L. L doesn’t have these issues. L isn’t gay.

            I’m gay, he thought to himself with sudden realization, but then he shook the thought away. Myungsoo is gay. L isn’t. It’s only Myungsoo.

            “You’re hurting me again Myungsoo,” noona gasped into his ear. He loosened his grip again and pushed her back a little.

            He struggled to give her his best smirk, “Sorry noona, but would you mind calling me L from now on.”

            “You want me to call you L?” she asked. Her loving, motherly eyes were suddenly confused.

            “I’d like it if everyone called me L from now on.”

            He grinned at her and mussed up her long hair before going into his room; leaving her standing confused in the hallway.

            Myungsoo might be gay, but L wasn’t. He’d just be L from now on.