They had appeared on many different music programs, but everyone was a little bit more nervous about M! Countdown. At the end of the show votes were compiled and one band won an award for receiving top rank. They’d never won before, but the other members were all excited about the possibility. Sungjong just felt tired as they waited backstage after performing.

            He leaned against the wall and watched the others goofing off. Everyone was full of energy after the performance. Julia and Woohyun were laughing about something as she danced in place nervously; bouncing unstably on her heels. Dongwoo started pointing and laughing at her; calling everyone else’s attention over there. That was except for Myungsoo’s.

            Myungsoo was standing off to the side by himself. He had a white cotton towel in his hands and he was wiping sweat from his face. Sungjong watched in a hypnotic state as Myungsoo leaned his head back; revealing the whole length of his neck as he dabbed at it. His head moved from side to side and his eyes closed while he rolled his shoulders. When his eyes opened again they immediately found Sungjong. As if he sensed him watching.

            Sungjong looked away quickly and pretended he was very interested in the table of water bottles to his right. When he dared to look back Myungsoo had moved over to stand with the rest of the group. His forearm rested comfortably on Sungyeol’s shoulder as he tried to catch up with their conversation.

            Sungjong kept his distance until it was time to go back on camera. It was finally the end of the program and they were going to announce which artist won. They made their way to the stage in single file. As they lined up in the front with the other artists, Myungsoo squeezed in between Sungjong and Julia. Julia stumbled a little to the side with a pout. She had been attaching herself to Sungjong a lot when they were on television. Sungjong had a feeling that she was uncomfortable because of her very public relationship with Sunggyu. She would stay close by their leader at all times, but she would rarely touch him on camera.

            Julia looked like she wanted to squeeze back in next to Sungjong, but Myungsoo put his arm around Sungjong’s shoulder and gave her a little smirk. She smiled and stuck her tongue out at Myungsoo before moving closer to Sunggyu. The MC’s were talking about the performances, but Sungjong couldn’t hear them as his heart beat drummed loudly in his ears. He stared into the crowd unseeing as all his focus went to trying to ignore the smell of his best friend’s skin. The mixed scents of soap and sweat drifted towards his nose whether he wanted it to or not.

            Sungjong laced his fingers together tightly in front of him as he struggled with the odd attraction he was feeling. He spotted a camera focusing on him and almost panicked. What if they could tell? What if people at home saw his discomfort?

            He went to move away from Myungsoo reflexively, but Myungsoo pulled him back and massaged his narrow shoulder in his strong grip. He leaned over to whisper in Sungjong’s ear as the MC’s blathered on.

            “Don’t be nervous. We probably didn’t win,” he said trying to soothe him. His voice was like silk in his ear. He looked into Myungsoo’s eyes as he smiled at him reassuringly. I just look nervous about the award, he told himself. No one knows.

            Myungsoo’s hand moving slowly over his shoulder was all Sungjong could think about as the MC’s went to the results. He didn’t even hear the announcement when he was suddenly wrapped in Myungsoo’s arms. Myungsoo squeezed him tightly. Sungjong stood stock still as he felt the other boy’s hard chest moving up and down while he laughed.

            Myungsoo pulled him away and looked into his shocked eyes. “We won Sungjongie,” he shouted over the roar of the studio audience. Sungjong looked into his friend’s purely blissful face and foolishly began to cry.

            He didn’t care about the award. He was glad that they won, but that wasn’t why he was crying. All of the confusing feelings he had bottled up for weeks were suddenly released when he felt Myungsoo’s joy. He wished he could share it with him like he once would have, but Sungjong was miserable.

            Myungsoo didn’t seem surprised by Sungjong’s outburst as he brought him in for another hug. Sungjong hid his face in Myungsoo’s shoulder in embarrassment.

            “I love you, Jongie,” he heard Myungsoo say in his ear before he released him and went to hug the other members.

            Sungjong stood in shock as he watched the others celebrate. Sunggyu had been spinning Julia around the stage, but now he was taking the microphone from the MC to thank the fans and the members. Julia was beaming as she ran up to Sungjong; almost tumbling in her heels. She hugged him so tight he thought he may have heard his back crack. She silently wiped tears off his cheeks before she went to embrace every member she could get her hands on.

            When they were done celebrating on stage and had received their award, they made their way home. Everyone was a noisy mess in the car; especially Sungyeol, Dongwoo, and Woohyun. Sungjong couldn’t hear anything except their excited shouting. There was only one other thing he could hear; Myungsoo’s voice repeating in his head over and over; I love you, Jongie. I love you, Jongie. I love you, Jongie.

            The real party began when they got to the apartment. Sungyeol ordered pizzas and Dongwoo broke out the karaoke machine. They were all singing and dancing in the main room except for Sungjong who just watched with a sad smile on his face. He tried to forget all his feelings and just fed off of their positive energy.

            Sungjong actually managed a laugh as noona attempted a rap song. Dongwoo and Hoya had to jump in and help her as she fumbled over the words. Instead she attempted beatboxing in the background while the real rappers took over.

            Sungyeol nearly fell to the floor laughing at her, but he used Myungsoo as his support. The taller boy’s large hand clung to the top of Myungsoo’s arm as he bent at the waist with laughter. Myungsoo’s whole face was lit up with amusement as his hand came to rest naturally on Sungyeol’s hip.

            Sungjong stopped smiling as his cheeks grew hot. He felt an odd tightening in his stomach as the two of them laughed together. Sungjong was suddenly angry at Sungyeol he realized. He shook his head as he tried to clear it. He had no reason to be mad at Sungyeol, but he was nonetheless.

            He was staring at them quietly and didn’t even notice Woohyun talking to him.

            “It’s your turn Sungjong,” Woohyun was saying. He looked up to see Julia’s turn had finished and she was running back to Sunggyu. She covered her face in embarrassment before burying it in Sunggyu’s chest. He smiled brightly as he rested his chin on the top of her head and her hair.

            Sungjong looked back at Myungsoo to see he was now having a conversation with Sungyeol. He chuckled as Sungyeol demonstrated part of his story with his gangly arms.

            “Are you going to sing?” Woohyun looked confused now.

            “I’m tired actually. I’m just going to go to bed,” Sungjong replied before leaving for his room.

            He laid in his bed and listened to the muffled sounds of the celebration in the other room. Everyone is happy and having a good time and I’m closed in my room wallowing, he thought to himself sadly.

            He had a lot to wallow about, though. Being a kpop star was hard enough as it was, but being a gay kpop star was terrifying. Being gay in Korea was not the most widely accepted thing by any means. It was tolerated more and more, but it was still looked down upon by most. Three months ago Sungjong would have laughed at the thought of being gay, but he wasn’t so sure anymore about his uality. The feelings he had lately were not ones he had ever experienced before; for a man or a woman.

            He couldn’t stop terrifying thoughts from racing through his head.

            What would happen if the fans knew? They’d be disgusted of course. They’d spread rumors over the internet. They would think I was a ert. Maybe I am erted.

            What would my mom think? Or my dad? They’d disown me I bet. They’d hate me. They would cry and tell me I was dead to them.

            What would happen if the members knew? They wouldn’t want to stand too close to me. They would never touch me again. Except for noona maybe. She wouldn’t have anything to worry about.  

            What would Myungsoo think? Why him? Of all people why my best friend?

            Sungjong didn’t cry as he lay in the bed thinking terrible things. He just felt a hollowness come over him. He felt nothing as he stared blankly at the ceiling. He wasn’t sure how long he was like that when he heard a soft knock on his door.

            He had been expecting to see noona, but it was Myungsoo. He tried to control his facial expression as Myungsoo gave him a devilish smirk.  

            “Sungjongie try to keep those big eyes of yours in your head,” Myungsoo joked as he slipped by Sungjong and into the room.

            “I thought you were noona,” Sungjong explained as he still stood by the door. He was suddenly unsure about what to do with himself.

            “She’s still in the main room with Sunggyu hyung and the others. She’s all wrapped up in his arms like a cat or something. Those two just can’t stay away from each other. It’s a little weird, right?” Myungsoo was standing between his and noona’s beds looking at the flowerbox with the sunflower made of blown glass in it. He reached out and touched one of the colored pebbles that filled the box with an unreadable expression on his face.

             “It’s a little different… them being together, but I think it’s nice,” Sungjong replied with a shrug of his narrow shoulders.

            “Nice,” Myungsoo repeated with a laugh as he threw himself onto Sungjong’s bed. This wasn’t new behavior. At the old dorm Sungjong and Myungsoo often went to each other’s rooms and hung out on each other’s beds just talking for hours. But for some reason seeing Myungsoo on his bed only made Sungjong feel anxiety now.

            “So what’s up? Is there something you want to talk about?” Sungjong asked as he tried to look casual; leaning up against the wall.

            “Nothing in particular. I just came to hang out. You seem a little weird lately, Jongie.” Myungsoo’s sharp stare moved to Sungjong and he looked him up and down where he stood. Myungsoo’s lips were pressed together and he nibbled on them gently as he thought.

            Sungjong tried not watch him and looked at the wall. He ran his finger over the surface distractedly.

            “What? I’m not weird,” he said feeling more anxious. He knows how I feel. He can tell. Myungsoo had always been very observant.

            “Why are you all the way across the room then?” he asked as he sat up in the bed. He rested his lightly muscled forearms across his knees. His head cocked to the side a little as he searched Sungjong’s face. His eyes were piercing.  

            “I’m just…” Sungjong started, but then faltered. He stared at his finger as it traced lazy circles on the wall.

            “It’s okay Sungjong. I’m sorry I interrupted you. You must have been busy doing something so I’ll just let you get back to it,” Myungsoo abruptly said as he pushed himself back onto his feet. “Our little Sungjongie is a man now,” he continued saying with a smirk as he made his way closer.

            Sungjong’s eyes nearly popped out of his head.

            “What? N-no I wasn’t doing anything like that,” he said quickly.

            “Your secret is safe with me,” he whispered as he leaned in closer to Sungjong. “Don’t worry I think noona will be gone for awhile longer. The coast is clear.”

            He chuckled softly as he brushed Sungjong’s long bang behind his ear before he silently strolled out of the room.

            Sungjong thumped his head against the wall twice causing his bang to come back out from behind his ear. He pushed it back in place angrily before he threw himself into the bed.

            He found no sleep that night. Or the next. Or the next.

            Julia was having the best time of her life after they won their first ever award as a band. The first thing she did was jump into Sunggyu’s arms, even though she had been trying to keep her distance when they were on television. Pure joy had sent her there in that moment and you couldn’t argue with pure joy. After celebrating with him she had searched out her second favorite person in the world: Sungjong. She felt terrible about picking favorites; like she was picking between her children, but she loved Sungjong from the moment she met him.

            After hours of delirious fun back at the house she became aware that he was missing. She was wrapped up and Sunggyu’s arms as they swayed to the music when she had finally noticed. Anxiety built up in her stomach instantly. She was about to go to their room when she saw Myungsoo heading for their door.

            “Where you going?” Sunggyu whined as he back hugged her; stopping her in her tracks. His soft pouty lips brushed her cheek as he spoke. She ignored the tingles his touch sent down her spine as she watched Myungsoo enter the room.

            “I was worried about Sungjong,” she replied as she stared at the wall that separated them.

            Sunggyu’s energy changed instantly when she said she was worried. She felt his body stiffen as he followed her view. They both stared lost in their own thoughts.

            It was almost freaky sometimes how they could become like one person. He picked up whatever she felt and absorbed it like a sponge. But as much as she worried about the members, she sometimes felt that Sunggyu felt it all tenfold.

            “What’s wrong?” he asked seriously.

            “I don’t know. He’s just been behaving a little different lately.”

            “Different how?”

            “I don’t know,” she shrugged. “He just seems less Sungjongie. Myungsoo’s in there with him now, though,” she said trying to relax them both.

            Her attempts to sooth his nerves worked.

            “Myungsoo’s his best friend. I’m sure he’ll help,” he said calmly.

            She couldn’t stop herself from pouting. “If Myungsoo’s his best friend than who’s mine?”

            “I am,” he whispered into her ear. She practically bristled as she felt pinpricks move from her ear all the way to her tailbone. “And I’m in love with my best friend,” he said as he kissed her jaw and rested his chin on her shoulder.

            “Aren’t you lucky?” She pressed the side of her face to his as they swayed a little in place.

            “How could you?” They heard Woohyun’s voice say from behind. They reluctantly detached from each other and turned to Woohyun.

            “We aren’t best friends anymore?” Woohyun asked sadly before he buried his head in his hands and started sobbing loudly.

            Julia’s eyes widened in shock. Sunggyu stepped forward immediately and hugged Woohyun.

            “Of course we’re still best friends,” Sunggyu crooned at him.

            Everyone else in the room had stopped what they were doing and were watching now. Woohyun’s shoulders suddenly stopped shaking and he brought his face to the side of Sunggyu’s. Julia witnessed his evil grin when he loudly mocked in Sunggyu’s ear, “I’m in love with my best friend, too.”

            “Yah!” Sunggyu yelled before he wrestled a cackling Woohyun to the ground. Everyone was crying laughing as the two of them wrestled in the middle of the room. The other boys started placing bets.

            “I’ll take Sunggyu,” Dongwoo shouted.

            “You’re picking the grandpa?!” Sungyeol laughed.

            “Yeah he’s right. I’ll take Woohyun on this one,” Hoya said.

              The match ended with Woohyun putting Sunggyu in a headlock. Julia couldn’t stop herself from running up and tickling Woohyun until he let Sunggyu go.

            Sunggyu got up off the ground as he huffed and puffed. His forehead was beaded with sweat and Julia couldn’t take her eyes off of him.

            “You guys… are a couple… of cheaters,” Woohyun panted out on the floor.

            Julia stepped over Woohyun and jumped onto Sunggyu’s back with a grin. She placed her hands over his chest; feeling it rise and fall. His heart was beating hard below her fingers. She nuzzled her nose in his neck and smelled his now sweaty skin.

            Her body was warm all over as she wrapped her legs around his waist. She ignored the whines of the others as she immersed herself in Sunggyu. It was so inappropriate; her feelings lately. The thought of touching him took control of her whole body and mind.

            “Get a room!” Woohyun shouted from his spot on the floor. “Oh wait, so long as it isn’t my room that is.”

            Julia jumped off Sunggyu’s back; suddenly ashamed. She was having this problem a lot lately. She had never been intimate with anyone before and had no idea if it was normal, but she often lost all control of her thoughts and actions. It scared her more than anything.

            She went to leave, but Sunggyu grabbed her hand and made her sit down on the floor.

            “What’s on television guys?” he said brightly as he sat down beside Julia.

            Everyone crowded around the T.V. set as they channel surfed. Sunggyu rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand to comfort her as they watched random programming.

            Julia calmed down eventually. She was turning to stretch when she saw that Myungsoo had joined them at some point. Then she remembered Sungjong.

            She had totally forgotten that she was ever worried about him.

            She leaned over and kissed Sunggyu on the cheek before she went to their room. When Julia was safe inside she leaned against the door and breathed out heavily.

            I need to be caged.

            Julia crossed the dark room slowly; so as not to wake Sungjong, but it didn’t seem necessary. She noticed quickly that Sungjong was disturbing his own sleep. He rolled over and hugged his pillow only to roll over again just a moment later.

            He tossed and turned the whole night while Julia watched silently.

            Something was wrong.