I shouldn’t have done that. What did I just do to him? Myungsoo came to help Sungjong because he was a good friend. He knew Sungjong was upset so he wanted only to comfort him. And then I attacked him.

            Myungsoo sounded so scared when he was leaving. His voice saying ‘everything will be okay,’ repeated in Sungjong’s head over and over. He was trying to sooth Sungjong even though he was the aggressor. It was Sungjong that had hurt him.

            Myungsoo hadn’t been scared that his best friend was gay, but now what would he think of him. He was exposed for possibly being gay for one minute and then he immediately kissed his best friend. I’m an idiot.

            He sat in his bed hitting himself repeatedly in the head. He wished he could take it back. It wasn’t because he hadn’t enjoyed it. The moment that their lips touched it just felt right. Like Sungjong could finally breathe. At first it even seemed that Myungsoo may have felt the same. The thought excited Sungjong and he had kissed him more, but he had been wrong. He looked into Myungsoo’s eyes when he was leaving and saw fear.

            He had just been trying to be nice to his friend. Myungsoo had done absolutely nothing wrong.

            I’m the bad guy here.

            He was thinking about what to say to Myungsoo when he remembered something. Sungjong suddenly felt sick. How could I have forgotten? He thought back to a conversation he and Myungsoo had nearly six months before:

            Sungjong and Myungsoo had been going to the kitchen in the old dorm to get snacks when they saw Sunggyu and Julia kissing. It was right after they had gotten back together. Their kisses were sweet and Sungjong could literally feel the love they felt when they looked at each other. Sungjong had been transfixed as he watched them kiss, but Myungsoo had just laughed and covered Sungjong’s eyes before dragging him back to his room.

            “Let’s just give them a few minutes,” Myungsoo chuckled as he plopped back down on his bed.

            Sungjong sat down beside him crossed legged and daydreamed about kissing someone. He didn’t notice Myungsoo was watching him with a little smile.

            “What is going on in that pretty little head of yours?” Myungsoo asked as he lightly tapped Sungjong’s temple. Sungjong tried not to blush when he called him pretty. All the members had mentioned before that he was a pretty boy. They liked to pick on him for it. It was different when Myungsoo said it though.  

            “I was thinking about kissing,” Sungjong mumbled suddenly embarrassed about how girly he was acting. But at least he wasn’t talking to one of the other guys. He was talking to Myungsoo and Myungsoo didn’t judge him.

            “Have you kissed a girl before Jongie?” Myungsoo didn’t look at him. He just looked down at his fingers as he played with the drawstring on his sweatpants distractedly.

            “Yeah, when I was younger I did. I was maybe fourteen. It was just a friend of mine from class. She was really nice,” he explained as he stared off; remembering.

            “Well, how was it?” Myungsoo asked with a nervous chuckle. Why is he nervous?

            “Sloppy… and wet,” Sungjong answered with a grimace that was meant to be cute and funny, but Myungsoo wasn’t laughing. He was thoughtful. Always so thoughtful. Sungjong wanted to crack his head open and see what happened in there.

            “Sounds terrible,” Myungsoo finally said.

            “It was. I didn’t enjoy it.” He wished he hadn’t kissed that girl. He wished his first kiss was more like noona’s. She had told him about it one night. Her first kiss was under a beautiful tree with the pretty sounds of nature. The sun was going down. The hero came in to save the day with a gentle and meaningful kiss. Instead he had a messy mashing of lips on a school playground. He wished it didn’t count.

            “What about you?” He wanted to stop thinking about it. Maybe Myungsoo’s story would be better.

            “I haven’t kissed anyone,” Myungsoo said quietly as if someone else might hear.

            “You haven’t!?” Sungjong shouted in shock, but Myungsoo quickly covered his mouth with his hand. He gave him a serious expression before finally letting him go.

            “I’m sorry. I was just surprised,” he apologized as he turned to face Myungsoo, but he was avoiding his eyes again. “Why haven’t you? Is it okay if I ask?”

            Myungsoo smiled down at his fingers before looking back to Sungjong. “Its fine, Jongie. The answer is simple. I just have never felt that kind of love for anyone. I don’t want the first person I kiss to be someone that I don’t truly care about.”

            Sungjong had sat in thought for awhile reflecting on what Myungsoo had said, but he was mostly thinking about himself and his terrible first kiss. Myungsoo had the right idea with waiting. Waiting could make it better.

            But Sungjong ruined it. He ruined Myungsoo’s first kiss. He had been trying to hold back the tears for hours, but he finally lost his control. He took Myungsoo’s first kiss that he had been waiting for. How was he supposed to apologize to him? How could he even face him?

            It was nearly midday now and the band would be coming home soon from practicing. It had been an optional practice and Sungjong was quick to decline the offer. Sungjong tried to stop looking so pitiful so that no one would be worried that he stayed home because he was sick or having trouble sleeping.

            He was leaving the bathroom after his shower when he heard voices. He turned the corner to look and walked right into Myungsoo. Sungjong’s feet were still wet from the shower and he slipped and fell unceremoniously onto the hard marble. He was glad he had put a clean pair of pajamas on and wasn’t walking around in a towel like some of the others did.

            “Sorry Jongie,” Myungsoo said. His voice was oddly bright. He offered his hand as Sungjong just stared up at him in awe. He was smirking down at him. He didn’t look upset at all.

            Sungjong took his hand and Myungsoo pulled him to his feet roughly. When he was standing Myungsoo looked directly into his eyes; searching them for a second before he smiled at him.

            “You should be more careful, Jongie. We wouldn’t want anything to happen to our fearless maknae.” Myungsoo’s voice was different. It was silky, but there was something flat about it. Sungjong saw that same flatness in his eyes.

            Myungsoo ruffled his wet hair quickly with that smirk still on his beautiful face. He hummed to himself as he walked away towards his room.

            Sungjong stood still as a statue against the wall as Julia came over. She stood next to him and stared at Myungsoo’s receding back too. She looked deep in thought and Sungjong didn’t understand why.

            “What’s wrong noona?” Sungjong asked low enough that the others wouldn’t hear as they entered the house.

            “I see you met L,” she said dryly as she still looked towards where Myungsoo had disappeared.

            “What?”

            “I found him in the hallway last night and he seemed… I don’t know flustered about something. It wasn’t very like him, but anyway he asked that everyone call him L from now on. It’s weird right?” She continued to stare towards his room with a concerned expression.

            “That is weird,” Sungjong answered quietly.

            “Maybe you should talk to him!” She suggested brightly. “You’re his best friend. He loves you the most. I bet you can get through to him because he won’t talk to me. Why won’t anyone talk to me? I’m really easy to talk to. Aren’t I? But then you barely talk to me either anymore. Do you want to talk to me? I wish someone would just let me know what is going on around this house. I’m not Sherlock Holmes!”

            Sungjong only half listened to her ramblings. He felt bad for her, but he really didn’t have a lot more sympathy left in him. It all went to Myungsoo.

            What have I done to him?

            This plan is crap. Myungsoo was sitting on the floor of his room wrapped up in his own arms. He was so cold all of a sudden.

            His pretending to be L had gone okay with the others. They didn’t seem to care all that much. They obviously had a hard time adjusting. It would take awhile to get the name down right when they were used to calling him Myungsoo, but at least they tried. They tried because they were his friends and if he wanted to be called L that’s what they’d call him. He told them it was just because he wanted to try sticking to one name to avoid further confusion in the future. Kind of like Hoya; no one ever called him Howon. They seemed to understand it better when he put it that way. Julia was still giving him funny looks, though.

            It was Sungjong he was worried about.

            What was he going to say to him? He tried to picture Sungjong calling him L and it almost repulsed him, but he needed to separate himself from Myungsoo. It was working. That was until he actually saw Sungjong.

            He was almost happy that Sungjong had fallen on the ground. It gave him the moment he needed to put his L mask on. He had been walking towards the bathroom when Sungjong was suddenly up against him. He felt the damp skin of his arms and got a large whiff of his freshly shampooed hair. It smelled sweet. He had instantly remembered the feel of his soft lips moving over his. The sound of his voice asking him if he was alright. He had sounded so scared.

            Myungsoo had to show him that he was alright. He struggled to collect himself. He pretended like Sungjong was any of the other guys and helped him up. Sungjong’s hand in his when he helped him up felt different though. His hand was softer and more graceful. Myungsoo had hauled him to his feet quickly so he could let it go, but this plan wasn’t going to work if he couldn’t touch him. If he couldn’t stand in his presence without thinking of his lips. He wanted to be able to touch him like he did before the kiss. He wanted to touch his friend without feeling this weight on his heart.

            Sungjong’s lips were all he could think about. It was driving him crazy. If he could just erase that feeling; he’d be fine. He was sure of it. He had to find a girl to kiss. And soon.

            He closed himself in his room for hours as he tried to figure out what girl he was going to kiss. Where would he find her? And when? Sungjong couldn’t know. He didn’t want to hurt him. That was the last thing he wanted to do.  

            Around 6pm he heard a tentative knock on the door. He became paralyzed with fear. It was Sungjong. That was Sungjong’s knock; a light rapping of the knuckles three times fast. It was Sungjong. He tried not to panic.

            It took him a moment to compose himself and put on his L mask. It hadn’t even been a whole day of being L with the group and he already felt disgusted with himself. Is this really helping you Myungsoo, he tried to reason with himself. He was usually such a reasonable person. He shook his doubts and opened the door.

            “Hyung,” Sungjong said with a gloomy expression. Myungsoo had to stop himself from closing the door. Looking in Sungjong’s face was threatening to break his heart. Sungjong was miserable. He was supposed to be bright and cheerful. Myungsoo liked him radiant and Sungjongie like.

            “What’s up, Sungjong?” He asked as he leaned on his door. He tried to avoid his depressing eyes, but every inch of Sungjong radiated sadness. He had to do something.

            “Can we talk?”

            “Of course. We’re best friends.” Myungsoo gave him a little smile and saw a slight difference in Sungjong instantly. Just a small smile and part of the dark veil over Sungjong lifted.

            When Sungjong was in the room Myungsoo closed the door and leaned against it in an attempt to look casual.

            “I wanted to talk to you about last night,” Sungjong said quietly as he stood in front of him shifting nervously. He was having a hard time meeting his eyes suddenly. Myungsoo wanted nothing more than to hold him, but L prevailed.

            “You don’t have to worry about it, Jongie. It wasn’t a big deal,” he said with a shrug.

            He meant it to comfort him, but hurt flashed through Sungjong’s eyes. It was quickly replaced with an emotion he wasn’t expecting from Sungjong; anger.

            “Why are you lying?”

            Myungsoo faltered a little in surprise. Sungjong never got angry with him. The only time he remembered Sungjong so much as giving him a dirty look was when he was struggling with his insomnia. He looked tired now, but not that tired.

            “I’m not. I wouldn’t lie to you,” he said not knowing who he was being anymore.

            “Yeah but L would lie to me wouldn’t he?”

            Myungsoo looked for words, but couldn’t come up with anything to say. Sungjong’s expression morphed as Myungsoo stood stuttering. Sungjong looked into Myungsoo’s confused eyes and wasn’t angry anymore. He suddenly looked ashamed of himself.

            “I didn’t come here to yell at you, hyung. I wanted to tell you that I am truly sorry for what I did to you. This is all my fault.”

            “I told you that I’m fine.”

            “You told me once that you had never kissed anyone,” Sungjong continued bravely.

            “Sungjong stop.” Myungsoo tried not to panic. He didn’t want to talk about this. He had been pushing his thoughts on the matter away since the night before.

            “You told me that you wanted to wait so that your first kiss would be with a person that you loved and truly cared about.” Sungjong was nearly crying now. Myungsoo could hear the guilt in his voice. Sungjong felt remorse for poor Myungsoo whose first kiss was with a guy. Myungsoo, who as far as Sungjong knew wasn’t even gay. He couldn’t let Sungjong blame himself for stealing that kiss from him. It was terrible and it wasn’t true. He hadn’t taken anything from him.

            “Please stop talking Sungjong,” he said louder.

            “I took that from you and I’m sorry,” Sungjong cried. Tears were running down his cheeks now, but he didn’t look away from Myungsoo. Myungsoo couldn’t look into his sorrowful eyes anymore.

            “Jongie, there is no one in this world that I love and care about more than you. How do you not know that,” he nearly shouted. Tears were building in his own eyes. Sungjong had broken L down. “You fit the criteria Sungjong.”

            Sungjong’s eyes widened in shock. He didn’t look guilty anymore as he stepped closer to Myungsoo. He was relieved. Myungsoo watched as the tension left his shoulders.

            Myungsoo was suddenly scared again. He couldn’t hurt Sungjong. He wasn’t going to let him believe that he had stolen that first kiss from him. The kiss confused him and frightened him, but he oddly wouldn’t have taken it back. But he couldn’t let this continue either. Please don’t make me hurt you, Jongie.

            “You are my best friend Sungjong of course I love you and care about you so stop pretending like you’ve hurt me. I’m not hurt. I’m fine. This has nothing to do with you. This is about me.”

            “We’re friends,” Sungjong said quietly. It wasn’t a question. He was standing right in front of Myungsoo now. Sungjong looked transfixed on his face. This wasn’t good. Myungsoo started to think about his friend’s lips again. He tried desperately to find L.

            “You will always be my best friend,” Myungsoo whispered.

            Sungjong was within an inch of his face. He was going to kiss him again. Myungsoo wanted too, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t let Myungsoo win. It would only make things harder.

            “But I’m not your star,” L spat out before he could stop him. It was too harsh. To anyone else it may have sounded weird and harmless, but Sungjong understood. Myungsoo had a feeling that night at the carnival when Sungjong said ‘we all need a star’ that he meant Myungsoo. That star symbolized hope for Sungjong. And L just took that hope and threw it on the ground. It was possibly the worst thing he could have said to him. What have I done?

            Sungjong backed away from him like he’d been slapped. He collected himself and Myungsoo was surprised to see that Sungjong didn’t look depressed. He looked resigned and… angry.

            “I didn’t…” Myungsoo trailed off.

            “No I understand. I knew that this wouldn’t work,” Sungjong said quietly as he moved towards the door.

            “Please don’t leave,” Myungsoo said.

            Sungjong stopped and looked him in the eyes.

            “Do you have anything else to say,” Sungjong asked quietly. His eyes stayed on his fearlessly. He hid nothing from Myungsoo as Myungsoo stood there pretending to be another person like a coward.

            He couldn’t figure out what to say to fix this situation he had created.

            “Are we still best friends?”

            “Of course we are L,” Sungjong answered with disdain. It was Myungsoo that felt like he’d been slapped now. Sungjong opened the door forcefully pushing him to the side.

            “Please don’t leave,” Myungsoo nearly cried out, but it didn’t help. Sungjong left and Myungsoo couldn’t hold himself together. He collapsed to the ground in a miserable puddle.

            Sungjong calling him L was just as disgusting as he thought it would be. Without Sungjong did Myungsoo even exist anymore? Myungsoo felt hollow as he laid on the floor.

            It hadn’t even been two days since he realized his feelings for Sungjong and he’d already lost the person he was falling in love with, his best friend and himself.

            Myungsoo cried by himself on the cold floor. The only person there to comfort Myungsoo was the person he hated the most in the world; L.