They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Bull, Sungjong thought to himself bitterly. With Myungsoo gone and stupid L in his place Sungjong was not feeling very fond of Myungsoo.

            Am I that repulsive to him? So repulsive that he would change who he was. Sungjong had been sad and remorseful at first, but now he was just angry.

            Myungsoo said he wasn’t mad about the kiss and in that moment Sungjong had believed him. He knew he was talking to Myungsoo and Myungsoo didn’t hurt him or lie to him. But why was he pretending to be L if he wasn’t upset about the kiss. What other reason was there? Sungjong spent all of his spare time thinking about why his friend had suddenly gone all double personality on him if not because of the kiss.

            A week went by. Sungjong watched as Myungsoo pretended to be L everywhere they went. He even started doing other things that neither L or Myungsoo ever did.

            He started checking out girls.

            Every stylist noona or female fan that approached them was watched closely by L. His lips were pursed thoughtfully as he watched them move. He seemed to pay special attention to their hair. Sungjong observed and just felt angrier.

            It didn’t help Sungjong’s mood that he was having a hard time sleeping again. He took the pills every night now and some nights he had to take two because one just didn’t do the job, but he was able to stay at least semi normal. Noona hadn’t caught on to his struggles yet and he wanted to keep it that way.

            The two weeks of punishment were torturous for everyone, but it was almost a relief for Sungjong. They practiced more which kept Sungjong busy and they had to go to bed early every night which meant he didn’t have to look at L’s phony face. As phony as that face was Sungjong still loved it. That bothered him the most.

            Any time he heard him laughing with Sungyeol his heart skipped a beat. Anytime Sungjong saw him smirk he felt his face flush. Anytime his silky voice made its way to Sungjong’s ears he shivered.

            I love L too, he realized sadly.

            But he isn’t my star and neither is Myungsoo. No matter what name he called himself he wasn’t in love with Sungjong. Sungjong was just going to have to learn to deal with it. So he stayed angry. The anger helped. Anger took Myungsoo’s place as his best friend. I’m not going to cry and snivel like a girl would. I’m not a girl.

            It was their fourth straight day of eight hour long practices when Sungjong stupidly forgot his favorite water bottle at their dance space. To most people forgetting their water container wouldn’t be a big deal. They’d just go get it the next day, but Sungjong was sentimental. And this water bottle was a gift from Myungsoo.

            Myungsoo had stayed at the dance studio when the rest of them had left because he liked to practice a little longer. Sungjong had a feeling he just didn’t want to be trapped in a car with Sungjong.

            They were all a little on edge, though. They had an industry party to go to later that night. It was a record launch party for another Woolim Entertainment artist. Sungjong was not looking forward to it. He wasn’t feeling very sociable lately, but they were required to go.

            That was probably why he forgot the bottle. He was flustered. He still had so much to do before the party. He went over the list as he made his way back to their dance space.

            The room was dark. Sungjong couldn’t see much, but he enjoyed the dark. He left the lights off as he went to the other end of the room. He knew where the bottle should be. It should be in the locker room. It was probably sitting on one of the benches.

            As he approached the door he heard voices and stopped. When he had seen that the dance space was dark he had assumed that L had already left, but he must have still been there. That was definitely his voice. But who was he talking to?

            “I just stay later than the others some times because dancing clears my head,” he was saying. Sungjong quietly pushed the door to the brightly lit locker room open a little more.

            “You look like you were working really hard.” It was a female’s voice. Sungjong’s body went cold. He shifted his body closer to the opening and tried to peek in.

            “Um yeah thanks. I guess,” L said quietly. Sungjong could see him now as he stood by the lockers wiping himself down with a towel quickly as if the sweat on his skin was burning him.

            “Here I’ll help you,” the girl said as she moved into Sungjong’s view. She was tall for a girl and extremely fit. She looked like a model. Sungjong realized quickly that she was one of the girl group trainees. Sungjong didn’t like her voice though. She sounded… desperate. Sungjong felt anxious as she grabbed the towel and dabbed L’s forehead with a smirk.

            “You don’t have to do that,” L said; looking uncomfortable. He moved backwards until his back was flat against the locker.

            “It’s okay,” she crooned at him with a little laugh. Her laughter made Sungjong feel sick.

            She moved the towel down his cheeks and stared fixated on his mouth as she gently touched his lips with the towel. L had gone completely still and he stared at the girl with an uneasy expression. He didn’t look like L in that moment. He looked like the same scared Myungsoo that Sungjong had kissed in his bedroom.

            Sungjong wanted to yell or throw something at the girl as she moved her body into Myungsoo’s. Her hands moved over his sweat stained t shirt and felt his muscles underneath. Her eyes were gleaming mischievously at Myungsoo as he stood still as a statue. He was staring at now as she smirked at him. She dropped the towel from his lips before replacing it with her own thin ones.

            Sungjong watched as Myungsoo’s eyes clenched shut at her sudden contact. Her lips moved over his with insistence. She moved her hands up to his face as she attempted to get a rise out of him. Sungjong felt sick as Myungsoo’s lips began moving too. His hands were still clenched at his sides, but he slowly let them relax as she continued to kiss him. She grabbed one of his hands and placed it on her hip. He let her do it. She grabbed his other hand and moved it to her face, pushing it towards her hair.

            Sungjong couldn’t watch anymore as he felt his nausea grow stronger. He turned from the door and ran from the room as tears filled his eyes. He told himself they were just angry tears. Remember Sungjong you are mad at him. Furious.

            He accidently let the door to the dance room slam as he continued to run. He ran from the building and all the way back to the apartment without slowing down once. He didn’t care who was looking at him.

            Back at the apartment he went right into the bathroom and turned the shower on before he started to vomit. He had nothing in his body to throw up, so he just dry heaved painfully. He sat on the floor and ran his shaky hands through his hair. He rested his head on his knees and tried not to cry.

            It wasn’t Myungsoo. It was L, he told himself. He repeated it over and over, but it didn’t help him believe.

            He had told himself he wanted to kiss a girl. If he just kissed a girl he could wipe Sungjong off his lips and stop thinking about him. He could just go back to being a perfectly normal guy. Not a guy that was in love with his best friend. His very male best friend.

            He had been thinking about finding a girl to kiss for weeks, but at the same time he didn’t want to kiss one. He didn’t like a single one of them. At least not in a way where he would want them to kiss him. He didn’t even want to touch any of the girls he saw every day. He felt absolutely no attraction to them.

            L had watched every girl they came across for the last two weeks closely. He looked them up and down in thought, but he felt nothing. There was one girl that he thought was cute. She was bright and cheerful and pretty. He realized quickly though that she reminded him of Sungjong. He couldn’t kiss a girl that reminded him of Sungjong that would negate the whole purpose.

            He stayed later to practice so that he could make his way home alone. He couldn’t be in the back seat of the van with a sweaty Sungjong. Just the thought of it sent weird shivers down his spine.

            He was dancing by himself when the girl came in the room. She said she had been watching him from the window and she wanted to help him with one of the moves. At first he was confused because he wasn’t having a hard time with any of the moves. He had everything down perfectly.

            When she came closer and started touching him to show him what she meant he saw that she didn’t care about the dance. It was a lame excuse. She looked at Myungsoo with lustful eyes. He didn’t like them. They were smaller than Sungjong’s and there was no light in them.

            He had told her that he was going to the locker room in hopes to get rid of her, but she had followed him. That was annoying to, but he said nothing as he grabbed a towel to wipe the sweat off of himself. He didn’t want to be sweaty in front of her. He didn’t like the way she looked at the sweat. Her eyes reminded him of a panthers. She’d eat him alive if she could.

            When she had taken the towel and pressed her body into his he froze. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t like her at all, but this was the best chance to kiss a girl that would probably ever present itself to him. She was throwing herself at him. He still needed to know. No one was there and he could just perform his experiment. No one had to know.

            When her lips touched his he involuntarily closed his eyes. It was nothing like when Sungjong had kissed him. His eyes had closed with an odd sort of pleasure when he kissed Jongie. It had reminded him of when he sang a note or a line that he had particularly strong feelings for. He always closed his eyes. Nothing distracted him and he could just focus on the sensation and his emotions. It was a beautiful thing. That was what it had been like with Sungjong, but when this girl kissed him his eyes clenched painfully.

            It’s not that she was a bad kisser. Not that he would know he had only ever kissed Sungjong, but he felt nothing. What was a kiss without feeling? It was just lips moving over each other. But people who didn’t love each other kissed all the time, he thought to himself. You don’t have to have feelings for someone to kiss them. You could simply be attracted to them and want to kiss them. He realized as she pushed closer and kissed him deeper that he wasn’t attracted to her.

            She moved his hand to rest on her curvy hip. It was nothing like Sungjong’s. Her lips weren’t as shapely as Sungjong’s either. He thought about how his heart had beat insanely fast when Sungjong kissed him. He could hear it drumming a song in his ears. At the time the song was scary to him, but now there was no music. His heart was beating steadily. All he heard was her breathing as she took his hand and moved it towards her hair.

            When he felt her hair on the skin of his fingers he could only think of Sungjong. He hadn’t touched Sungjong’s hair in weeks. He had watched as he walked around with that bang covering half of his beautiful face and he had to restrain himself from moving it away. Her hair had only touched him for a second when the shock of the whole situation cleared and he could finally feel his revulsion.

            What am I doing?

            He pushed her away quickly with his hands on her shoulders. She flew back a little with a shocked expression on her face.

            She was about to say something when they heard the door to the dance studio slam.

            What was that?    

            He looked to the door and saw it was ajar. Was it open that much before? Myungsoo left the girl where she stood as he ran out into the studio, but no one was there. He ran to the door and looked down the hall, but he saw no one. He tried to relax as he went back to the locker room.

            “What was it?”

            “I didn’t see anyone,” he answered quietly as he packed his bag. He tried not to look at her as he felt shame come over him.

            “Oh good,” she laughed. “My boyfriend is a trainee here. I was afraid it might be him.”

            He looked at her then in astonishment and he couldn’t keep the disgust off of his face. Not only had he kissed this person he didn’t like, but she was also not a good person. Myungsoo would have been able to tell if he wasn’t so busy being L all the time.

            “You should leave,” he said quietly as he stuffed his clothes in his bag.

            “What’s your problem?” she scoffed.

            “My problem is that you are disgusting and I kissed you,” he mumbled to himself angrily.

            “What did you say?” she said loudly. Her voice was suddenly so nasally and annoying.

            “Thank you for all of your help. Maybe you should go find your boyfriend,” he suggested with a fake smile.

            “You’re weird,” she said as she rolled her eyes and traipsed out of the room.

            I’m not weird, he thought to himself. I’m gay.

            He hauled his bag over his arm impatiently as he checked to see if he left anything. He walked over to the door and looked back at the room one more time with a grimace. He was about to flip the light switch off when he saw a water bottle at the other end of the room sitting on a bench. It looked familiar.

            He walked over to the bottle, but he stuttered to a stop as he got closer. It was Sungjong’s. He had bought him that bottle for his birthday. Sungjong didn’t like that his other one had a screw cap with a large opening. He always wanted one with a straw.

            He held the bottle in his hand and felt sudden dread. He flipped open the top and the plastic straw popped out. There were little bite marks on the tip of the straw from Sungjong nibbling on it. It was his. He wouldn’t have left it on purpose. He must have forgotten it. He looked to the door and thought about the slamming they had heard and felt cold all over.

            He saw me. Myungsoo’s legs suddenly buckled under him. He sat on the ground staring at the bottle and trying to figure out what he could possibly do to fix this situation.

            He sat there for an hour trying to keep himself together. He had to leave to get ready for the party soon, but he had no plan in his head.

            He was hopeless.