It was almost time for the cd launch party. Sungjong already hadn’t cared about the event to begin with and he cared even less now. Julia could tell something was wrong with him right away as he stood in the main room and waited for everyone else. Surprisingly, they were usually the first ones ready.

            “Are you excited, Sungjong?” She said as she grabbed his arm and hugged it with an overly joyous smile.

            “Not really,” he answered quietly. He usually faked happiness in front of her, but he just couldn’t do it anymore.

            “Yeah me either,” she said back as she shed her fake smile and hugged him tighter. The hug almost helped.

            She peered up in his face then. She searched his features with a sharp look. He could only manage to stare back at her dully.

            “Sungjong, I know I ask you this a lot,” she whispered even though they were alone. “But are you okay?”

            He looked in her eyes and saw no judgment. There was nothing fake. She was concerned for him and she loved him.

            He somehow managed to smile. “I’m fine noona. I just didn’t sleep much last night.”

            “Oh, well we will make sure you get to sleep in tomorrow.” She gave him a genuine smile and let go of his arm so that she could go bang on the other guy’s doors. Sungjong felt cold when she left.

            He just watched as she started to yell ridiculously outside of each door. Sungjong almost didn’t have to fake his smile when she started shouting threats at the silent doors.

            Unfortunately, L was the first person to surface. They met each other’s eyes for one second, but that was all Sungjong could bear. In that one second Sungjong just saw a pitiful creature. His eyes were shifty and his skin pale. Sungjong scanned his body once quick and tried not to be attracted to him, but he looked good. He always looked good.

            Sungjong went back to watching noona’s histrionics. He could feel L’s eyes on him the whole time, but he ignored him. It even sounded like L was about to say something as he cleared his throat, but they were both distracted when noona suddenly screeched in surprise.

            She had been going to knock on Sunggyu’s door again when it opened unexpectedly. She toppled forward on her heels with her arms flapping in the air. She looked like a cartoon character. Sunggyu caught her with a chuckle.

            “I could hear all of this awful squawking from my room. I was just about to call animal control,” he said with a grin.

            She backed out of his arms and started hitting him feebly while he laughed. Sungjong looked to L and saw him watching them with cheerless eyes. Sungjong still hated when L was miserable. Even though he deserves it, Sungjong thought sourly.

            Dongwoo poked his head out of his room with wide eyes, “Oh noona, was that you screaming out here? I thought someone was being murdered.”

            She turned from Sunggyu and started hitting Dongwoo. “Ow, noona what did I do?” He laughed good naturedly. His delightful laughter was usually contagious, but it only clashed with Sungjong’s bitter mood.

            “That’s it. I’m leaving. Come on Sungjong,” noona said as she grabbed a coat and walked out the door. Sunggyu rounded up Hoya, Woohyun and Sungyeol quickly and they all followed noona before she could leave without them.

            The party was just as extravagant as Sungjong was expecting. The sun was setting and he could see every twinkling light that ran through every tree that surrounded the roof. The space was massive. At first he thought that there was just what he saw in front of him; a small dance floor, tall cocktail tables, a bar to the right, a makeshift stage straight ahead. It was already huge, but when Sungjong looked to the left he saw that there was an expansive garden that had winding paths running through it. The paths were lit with little lights. The floral labyrinth disappeared as it made its way around a corner of the building.

            Sungjong wanted to explore it, but he wasn’t sure if they were allowed because no one was over there. Maybe it was just that no one cared about the beautiful garden. Everyone at this party cared more about other beautiful people. He stood by the door and silently watched the crowd of other Woolim artists, executives, CEO’s, trainees and who knows who else.

            He didn’t want to talk to any of them, but the party in itself was surprisingly nice. He liked being outside in the night air. He looked up and saw that the stars were coming out one by one. But I’m not your star; Sungjong heard L’s voice say in his head. He shivered and looked back to the party. His eyes immediately found L where he stood at least eight feet away. L had been watching him with a sad expression.

            They’d only been there for a few minutes and Sungjong already felt tense. He tore his eyes from L and continued to survey the party. He watched two people talking to his right with drinks. They were both beautiful. He couldn’t help but imagine they were having some useless conversation. He watched them bitterly until they left. Their drinks sat abandoned at the table. They hadn’t even finished them. He watched as they made their way to the bar to get new ones.    Sungjong approached the table and swirled the toothpick skewered olive that rested at the bottom of the drink. The martini looked fine to him. Maybe they didn’t like the drink anymore once it got warm. They certainly had enough money to get a new one. Sungjong looked around quickly, but only saw one set of eyes watching him. It was just L. Who cares what he thinks, he thought to himself before he downed the rest of the martini. He looked around again, but it was still only L watching him, now with concerned eyes, as he took the other martini and downed it as well.

            Sungjong instantly felt warmth spread through his entire body. He had been so cold lately. He knew how he would entertain himself at this party now. Sungjong avoided people all together and walked around casually to the cocktail tables searching for abandoned drinks. It was easier than he thought it would be. He thought to himself at one point how gross it was to drink from stranger’s glasses, but he was past caring.

            The more drinks he found, the more daring he got. He watched Sunggyu and Julia standing at a table by themselves talking to each other. Their drinks were forgotten as they stared into each other’s eyes and ignored the rest of the world. Sungjong stood close by with his body partially blocked by a tree. He waited patiently for them to kiss. He knew they would.

            Sunggyu moved in closer to Julia as he saw her shiver. He wrapped his arms around her from behind and they stared out over the city. She turned back to look at him and they were kissing, just like that. So predictable noona, Sungjong thought to himself with a mischievous grin.

            He snuck up to the table as quiet as a mouse and slowly grabbed their drinks. He downed them quickly and placed them back on the table. He accidently clinked them together a little and Sunggyu’s body jerked a little at the sound, but noona grabbed his face before he could pull away and she kissed him deeper. Sunggyu quickly forgot about the sound. Thanks noona. Sungjong scurried away laughing to himself.

            Sungjong was surprisingly having a great time, but he wished he had someone to share it with. Myungsoo would have loved this, he thought to himself. They would have made it a competition and would have called each other code names the whole night. They would have conspired in secret while they watched every person’s move. Sungjong would be much better at sneaking in and grabbing the drinks. He would have shared some of his winnings with his comrade, though. Myungsoo would still be very important to the whole crazy game because he’d be the one with the clearer head. He would know which drinks were safer to grab. He would know when they were about to be caught because he had a weird sixth sense that Sungjong didn’t. Sungjong would be careless though and he’d eventually get himself caught, but Myungsoo wouldn’t let him take the fall alone. Myungsoo would reveal himself as Sungjong’s partner in crime. They would both be punished by Sunggyu together, but neither of them would have regretted the night.

            Sungjong realized he was on the brink of tears as he stood by the tree imagining a better world. A world where his best friend still existed and wasn’t replaced by L. He shook his head violently making a mess of his hair but not caring. He watched the party goers having a good time and spotted L. He was standing with Dongwoo and some guy that Sungjong recognized, but couldn’t place. The liquor had gone to Sungjong’s head. He only seemed to recognize the familiar faces of his band mates. Everyone else was a blur.

            L was speaking to the guy with a fake little smile. It was an L smile. Almost a smirk. Sungjong could see his tongue moving in his mouth as he spoke. Sungjong had no idea how he did that. It drove Sungjong nuts. Everything about his mouth drove Sungjong crazy.

            Sungjong wasn’t sure what possessed him, but he made his way towards the three of them. He realized as he began walking that it must have been the alcohol controlling his actions. His head was light as he practically floated over to their table. Sungjong almost bumped into a few people on his way there, but he managed. He almost fell when he finally got to them, but he grabbed Dongwoo’s arm to support himself.

            L’s beautiful eyes were wide and alarmed when he regarded Sungjong. Dongwoo didn’t think anything was weird as he put his arm around Sungjong’s shoulders.

            “This is our maknae Sungjong,” Dongwoo said speaking to the familiar man. Sungjong didn’t look at him he just stared at L.

            “Nice to meet you I’m Kim Jong Wan,” he said to Sungjong. Sungjong didn’t react and just kept staring at L. “I’m the singer from Nell,” he continued as he tried to offer Sungjong his hand.

            “Have you met L?” Sungjong asked brightly. He realized he was slurring a little as he leaned heavily on Dongwoo.

            “Well, yes I-”

            “His name is L. Do not call him Myungsoo,” Sungjong said as he finally met the man’s eyes. “Myungsoo is the name of a person. That isn’t a person,” he said as he pointed an accusing finger at L. His face was the perfect picture of horror. Sungjong tried not to laugh at him as he continued. “He isn’t a human being. He’s just a letter. L. I don’t even like that letter. He thinks he’s too good to use a real name. He wants to be like Madonna or Prince or or like Michael Jackson or something,” he mumbled.

            By the end of his mini tirade he was hiccupping. The three men were staring at him in shock. Dongwoo was the first to speak.

            “Wait, is Michael Jackson not his real name?” He looked to L for an answer, but he wasn’t listening.

            “No it is,” the man from Nell answered with a little chuckle. He put his hand on L’s shoulder. “I think your little maknae may have had a few too many drinks.”

            “It would appear so,” L said in his L voice. “I’m very sorry about this. I’ll take care of him.”

            “It happens. Don’t worry about it,” the man said with a gracious smile.      

            Sungjong watched them; focusing on stopping his hiccups. L shook the man’s hand before coming to Sungjong and grabbing him around the arm. Sungjong was pulled forcefully from Dongwoo as he was led away from the party.

            L said nothing as he brought Sungjong through the winding paths of the garden and around the corner of the building. The sounds of the party were distant now. Sungjong could only hear the wind as it blew stronger on the other side of the building. The party quickly became a distant memory.

            L pushed Sungjong against the wall and stepped back before he started to pace. Sungjong watched silently as L walked through the flowers of the garden without a care.

            “You’re killing them,” Sungjong said with outrage as he pointed at the broken flowers. They were packed into the dirt now. The beautiful vibrant colors now covered in brown.

            “You’re killing me,” L mumbled to himself as he grabbed at his hair and tightened his fists in it. He still trampled through the garden carelessly.

            “Stop!” Sungjong yelled as he grabbed L by the arms.

            “You stop!” L yelled back as he brought his arms to the wall on either side of Sungjong’s face. Sungjong was trapped between L and the building as he stared into his intense eyes. “What are you doing?”

            “I was trying to have fun,” he answered indignantly.

            “No, what are you doing to me, Jongie?” Myungsoo asked quietly.

            Sungjong just stared into L’s face as he broke down. He didn’t look like L anymore. He was sad and confused. Sungjong saw his best friend and couldn’t stop himself from reaching out to him. He brought his hands to his face and captured Myungsoo’s tears as they rolled down to his fingers. Sungjong felt his frozen heart melt a little.

            “I don’t know who I am anymore,” Myungsoo whispered to himself. Sungjong couldn’t say anything. Their faces were so close. He could feel Myungsoo’s warm breath spreading over his lips. Myungsoo leaned his forehead on Sungjong’s timidly as he cried more.

            Sungjong’s chest rose and fell as he struggled not to cry as well. He had been so angry at him, but all he could think about was holding him. He seemed so lost.

            “Hyung,” Sungjong whispered. As soon as the word left his mouth Myungsoo changed. He let out an exhausted groan before he leaned into Sungjong’s body and kissed him.

            Sungjong’s body stiffened in shock as Myungsoo’s lips moved over his firmly. He quickly relaxed as he felt pleasure run through his body. The pleasure mixed with the alcohol was even more intoxicating. Sungjong kissed him back just as fiercely.

            The kiss was desperate and full of need. Sungjong hadn’t thought he would get to feel Myungsoo’s lips again. Sungjong’s breathing had picked up tremendously as he pushed his body into Myungsoo’s with enough force to push them both off of the wall. Myungsoo stumbled backwards and they fell into the garden together. Their lips separated for a second as they fell, but they found each other again as soon as they landed.

            Sungjong was lying on top of Myungsoo as he attacked his lips with his own. He became more daring in his drunken state and he flicked his tongue over Myungsoo’s quickly. Sungjong felt a shiver run through the other boy’s body. Myungsoo’s hand came to rest on Sungjong’s hip and he gripped it tightly. Myungsoo’s other hand went to Sungjong’s face and moved to his hair.

            Sungjong backed his face away suddenly as he remembered what he had witnessed earlier in the day. Myungsoo had done the same thing with that female trainee. The firm hand that was gripping Sungjong’s hip was holding some girl’s hip earlier. Myungsoo had been touching her hair only hours before. When Sungjong thought of her lips moving over Myungsoo’s he felt a pang of nausea.

            He placed his hands on Myungsoo’s chest to lift himself up and stopped as he felt it moving. Sungjong pictured her small hands caressing Myungsoo’s chest through his sweat soaked t-shirt.

            He finally pushed himself off of Myungsoo and onto his feet. He stumbled away and back into the wall. Myungsoo was on his own feet in a second as he tried to catch Sungjong, but Sungjong darted to the side.

            “Stay away from me,” Sungjong yelled.

            “What’s wrong, Jongie? Whatever I did I’m sorry,” Myungsoo said franticly.

            “What am I? Am I just someone you can play with when you’re bored?” Sungjong cried.

            “No, Jongie. Why would you think that?”

            “Because I saw you with that girl.” He tried to hold back his tears but they fell anyway.

            Myungsoo’s eyes were wide with sheer panic as he stepped closer, but Sungjong backed away; keeping the same distance between them.

            “I… I was confused Sungjong. I wanted to try it so that I knew for sure. I didn’t mean for you to see that.” His voice was pleading with Sungjong to understand, but he really didn’t.

            “So what? I’m just the second stage of your little experiment?”

            “No, Jongie. Please come over here. That isn’t why I kissed you.” He was crying steadily as he still tried to reach out to Sungjong.

            “Just leave me alone. You already told me how you feel. I don’t believe you anymore.”

            “Sungjong that day in my room I didn’t-” The voice popped into his head again, I’m not your star.

            “Just let me go,” Sungjong whispered before running out of the garden and straight for the exit. He had to get away.

            He ran all the way to the apartment and straight to his room. He wanted to go to bed. He wanted to rest and forget everything that just happened. Maybe he was drunk enough that he wouldn’t remember the next day. He grabbed his sleeping pills and took three of them.

            Sungjong stood by the window and waited for them to work. His breath fogged up the glass and hid the ferris wheel from his view.  His fingers moved over the fogged up window slowly as he stared out sadly.

            The ferris wheel wasn’t lit anymore. The whole carnival looked like a black hole from his window. He wondered if the lights on the carousal were off too. His star was probably lost in all that dark.

            He stuffed the rest of his pills in his pocket and put his coat back on. He was becoming more lightheaded by the minute as he made his way to the carnival, but he fought the darkness coming over him and went to find his star.