bday fic for toobiased ????? u actually nvr told me when ur bday was and ur profile said sept 8th so here i am at11:05 pm on sept 8th and i have like 2 quizzes tomorrow and i decided to write instead

but basically the prompt was angst & im sorry if u know me i cant angst but i really did try but like a lowkey try everything's kinda rushed and im so sorrY BU T AYYYYY first update in like 4 months what an excitement

Sungyeol regrets getting the tattoo.

                It had been such a good idea at the time – no, rewind, it hadn’t. He’d gotten it on a whim, if that was the right thing to say.

                Probably not. He’d gotten it because it had been the only thing he could do, the only sane thing on his mind other than plan a) throw myself off a rooftop. Sungyeol hadn’t known what to do other than to go to the nearest tattoo parlor and have the characters etched out on his neck.

                He remembers the pain, all of it, all of the torment and the anguish and the hurt.

                Oh, but he’s not talking about the physical pain – he was talking about the mental pain.

It’s 8 PM when he leaves his house. Their house. His house now. His lonely house with nothing but two pairs of everything but only one person to use them.

                He passes by the arcade first and sits on the bench in front of it, stretching his long legs out and wondering when the sky had turned so dark.

                But it’s only dark on the outside; in his mind, the sky is bright and shining and the streets are busy again. There are cars driving back and forth and people walking through the sidewalks.

                “Didn’t you, like, used to always come here?” a boy around the age of 14 said, hair relentlessly forgotten as it splayed un-groomed on his head.

                “Yeah,” his friend next to him snorted, pulling on the other’s elbow. “Not so much anymore.”

                “Why not?” the first asked. When his friend refused to give him an answer, he rolled his eyes and said, “Sungyeol, tell me.”

                “I don’t find games that interesting anymore,” Sungyeol admitted, a little half smile coming up on his lips, and the only thing Myungsoo could think was that he hoped that that meant something special in terms of them.

                The older looked up at the sky and sighed blissfully. “Ever since my mom got me a Nintendo, at least.”

                Myungsoo let his face falter before hitting Sungyeol on the arm as hard as he could. “You jerk.”

                Sungyeol only laughed, looking the other way as he grabbed onto his friend’s forearm and got ready to run. “C’mon, there’s more places we can go!”

                Sungyeol swears these aren’t tears, he swears he’s not getting emotional. He’s had too much of this, there was a reason he left the house – he couldn’t stand this anymore.

                “,” he hisses as he stands up, rubbing his hands on the denim of his thighs. He’s so done with all of this, he isn’t taking it anymore. He can’t.

                So he takes a walk a few blocks further – the streetlights are getting brighter and the sidewalks are slowly closing from groups to couples.

                And Sungyeol still finds himself alone as he holds his posture, staring at the sign where he finds himself – the one place most kids continue to loiter to despite their age.

                The ice cream shop.

                He tries so hard to not let his imagination run wild, he tries so hard to unblur his eyes and he just, he just tries so very hard to not take notice of the two figures standing before the cashier.

                “You have to order something,” Sungyeol bugged Myungsoo, pointing at the menu above them. “We don’t have all day.”

                “Wait, I need to think,” Myungsoo frowned, concentrating harder than anything. The employee standing in front of them didn’t really look like she cared.

                “Do you want me to choose for you?”

                And at that moment, Myungsoo turned to his best friend with wide eyes, glowing and glistening underneath the ice cream shop lights. It said everything in just one look, one glance – you’re my savior.

                The only thing Sungyeol could do was break into a smile. God, Myungsoo was so adorable when he wanted to be.

                “He’ll take the same thing as me, please,” Sungyeol shrugged to the cashier.

                “Couple ice cream flavors too, shocker,” the girl drawled on, rolling her eyes as she pressed in the pre-memorized orders.

                “W-wait no, no, we’re not a couple,” Sungyeol immediately shot in, shaking his head furiously. His hands were moving back and forth too, in such a rush to deny what she had said. “He’s just –“

                “The last thing we would be is a couple,” Myungsoo interrupted barely four seconds in, “Sungyeol hyung’s much too good to be stuck with someone like me –“

                “Wait, what?” Sungyeol stopped everything and turned towards the other, the most incredulous look plastered on his face. “What?”

                Myungsoo’s eyes couldn’t help being shot back and forth, all of a sudden embarrassed that all the spotlight was on him. “…What?”

                “What do you mean, ‘Sungyeol hyung’s too good to be stuck with someone like me’? What the hell, Myungsoo?”

                “I mean, it’s true, isn’t it?” It was so evident that the younger was flustered, not sure if he was supposed to look Sungyeol dead in the eye or keep his eyesight glued to the floor.

                “No! – Myungsoo, no, oh my God if I were to ever fall in love with a guy it would be you!”

                And at this point, the girl behind the cash register only tapped the counter more, letting her eyes roll once again. “How surprising.”

                “No, you, you –“ Sungyeol pointed at the girl, “you stay out of this. Now Myungsoo, you need to understand this, I’m not ‘too good’ for you or anything –“

                “Of course you are! Why would you ever like someone like me, I’m –“

                “What’s not to like about you? You’re the most polite, most kindest, most I DON’T KNOW, most everything and, and –“

                “And you love him, what a revelation!” the girl fake-shuddered, making little sarcastic jazz hands in the air. “Get over it, you’re in love with too-shy-to-order boy.”

                “I’m not too shy to order, I’m just indecisive with ice cream flavors!” Myungsoo protested, turning to the girl.

                “…I love you?”

                “At least you’re not as indecisive as your boyfriend over here,” she nearly scoffed out. “’Oh, we’re not a couple’, ‘oh, I lied, you’re everything, I LOVE YOU’.”

                “God you’re annoying.”

                “You love me?”

                Sungyeol froze at the tone Myungsoo had, feeling something surge through his body. “Wow.”

                “I’ll call to stop the orders,” the girl smirked. “Y’all have enough sugar here to last a lifetime.”

                A lifetime’s that run out.

                A lifetime really isn’t that long, and that’s the only thing Sungyeol can think before he forces himself to look away from the shop. The lights are off and it’s way past closing hour, and he thinks that maybe in a day or two if he feels alive again he’ll go back in to visit the girl.

                But as he keeps walking, he thinks that he probably won’t. She reminds him too much of the past, of what had been, of what was there. Sungyeol can’t face that probably ever.

                So he keeps walking, he walks until he gets to a crossroad. He can count the number of cars passing through the roads on one hand but he proceeds to press the walk button anyways. It’s the least he can do.

                He doesn’t want to die. His lifetime isn’t up yet.

                When Sungyeol reaches his destination, he takes a seat on a wooden bench. It’s overlooking the playground that’s been there for as long as he can remember – it’s never been taken down and there’s still the biggest chance it won’t be.

                The wind’s causing the swingset to continuously maneuver back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth…Sungyeol feels the breeze behind his ear and because of this, he isn’t too frightened that there’s a supernatural happening occurring anywhere near him.

                But it’s swinging, and still swinging, and continuously swinging. He looks up at the sky and it’s still dark, but when his eyes go back down, he finds that he’s not alone in this playground.

                “What time do you need to be home?”

                “My mom trusts you enough to let me be out late,” Myungsoo shrugged, smiling. He just loves how much his mom adores Sungyeol, it’s worked to his advantage so well so many times.

                Sungyeol could only snort at the look on his boyfriend’s face. “Sometimes I feel like the only reason why you’re dating me is because I’m your ticket to freedom.”

                “I’m not saying anything to defy that,” the other half-smiled, “but I can add to it. I’m also dating you because you’re very attractive, because you’re very cuddable, because you make me very happy, because you’re very good to me, because –“

                “Does your vocabulary consist of anything besides because and very? Because I’m starting to think not.”

                Myungsoo just gleefully laughed, wrapping his arms around the chains of the swing. “Let’s play a game.”

                “Is this your way of evading the acceptance of your kindergarten level skills because –“

                “Truth or truth.”

                “That’s not even a game, Myungsoo.”

                “Does the night just take away your fun side? You were the one saying that you wanted to run across the road and jump on a car and see how long you’d survive. And that was this morning.”

                “I accept. I choose truth.”

                “Truth? Okay. How much do you love me?”

                Sungyeol laughed, rolling his eyes. “A lot, Myungsoo. A lot more than you could imagine.”

                “Truth!!”

                “How much do you love me, Kim Myungsoo?”

                “Enough to remember you in every world beyond this.”

                “Cheesy, cheesy. I like. Ok go, truth.”

                Myungsoo looked up from the ground, reaching his arm around the swing and pulling onto Sungyeol’s chain to bring the older closer. Then he smiled, that same smile that he used when he told everyone he was okay when he wasn’t, the suppressed angered look when his mom gave his brother something that he wanted, the look that he had when Sungyeol decided to cancel a date for another event. It was all of those looks, all of those emotions, pressed onto one face in this one moment.

Then he breathed. “What would you do if I told you I was dying?”

                And it’s at this point that Sungyeol knows he can’t hold it in anymore.

                He’s feels the lump in his throat, and the tears in his eyes clutter up his vision so much that everything’s blurry and by the next time he blinks and his eyes open, the swings are empty.

                But they’re still swinging.

                He feels every single thought and emotion that was locked up inside of him, everything that was just shoved and pushed inside of him just bubble through his throat and arise in the form of tears.

                He’s done. He’s so done, he feels so done and he feels the torment of it all. Everything hurts so much, it just ing hurts, and for this time, at this exact moment, that is all his vocabulary can expand to.

                Hurt.

Sungyeol comes home maybe an hour later and he finally decides to turn his phone on. There’s messages from everyone, from all of their – his – friends. It’s the same thing, they’re asking if he’s okay, if he needs anything.

                it, he doesn’t need this. He doesn’t need a reminder of this anymore.

                And what’s so much worse is that he knew this was coming, he knew for ten years. Myungsoo was living, but he was living in a bubble. It was a restricting bubble, a bubble that incased him to a home and to thoughts of I’m going to die.

                When Sungyeol crashes onto the sofa, he grabs a pillow and stares straight at the blank TV. All he gets back is his reflection, and he can see so clearly the characters on his neck.

                For a second his mind blurs again and he almost sees Myungsoo and himself – old him, past him maybe even happy him – sitting together on this couch, but he stops himself. Instead, he looks up at the mint green ceiling and just stays silent for a second.

                “I’m sorry I didn’t make it through the funeral recession. You remember when we were sitting here, a while ago – maybe…maybe even two weeks ago? I don’t know. God, I don’t know. But I just remember you told me that if I couldn’t live through the funeral then I could just go…and at the time I thought you were joking, like, c’mon, what a lie. I love you, the least I could do was spend a few hours watching you get buried…

                “But dammit, Myungsoo, it’s so much harder than I thought it was going to be. It was like…you were there, you were in there, but you weren’t. There was your physical body – just laying there, cold and quiet – but your spirit was completely gone. I ing hate this so much Myungsoo, I hate this so much and I just want to get rid of this pain somehow but –“

                Sungyeol breathes.

                “But remember it? Right after you said it was ok for me to leave. You made me promise you I wouldn’t do anything stupid. God knows you were right, I was going to do something stupid. Should’ve thrown the knives out when you had a chance – joking, I’m joking, Myungsoo. I would never.”

                It doesn’t even dawn on Sungyeol that he’s talking to himself now. He doesn’t care, and to him, he’s not. He’s really not, because he knows somewhere, the love of his life is listening to him – not his physical body, because that’s buried eight feet underground, but his spirit. Somewhere, anywhere.

                “Fourteen years, Myung,” Sungyeol says, and his hears his voice crack somewhere throughout the phrase. He doesn’t care anymore. “Remember when we met? When we were both the lamest pre-teens in the world. Is 13 even a teen. I don’t know. But remember our teacher? The wedding ring on her finger and the ugliest scar on her arm?”

                He runs his fingers over the tattoo.

                “She said it was the name of her ex-boyfriend. She had to get it removed.”

                He traces over the characters again, reading the name in his mind. It’s so clear and just, in a weird way, so close.

                “And remember…remember when you said you would never get a tattoo of a person’s name on you?"

                And he’s not even sure Myungsoo would’ve remembered if he were alive, but Sungyeol does. He remembers the vocalized words, he had them locked away in that one quote box of his mind for years.

                “Not unless that person died.”

it's angst so

and if u cant tell basically myungsoo has a disease that kinda made him go like away except i didnt specify bc the medical field is not my strong suit and i am 98% sure if i did write some medical stuff someone will correct me endlessly on it and i do in fact have examples of it from previous stories so let's all just u know chillax and make up some heartbreaking disease

and i'm just gonna take this moment to send all my prayers to Ladies Code and their family + friends and fans all alike. A few years back I also lost someone I knew (basically a guy i used to like) to a car accident and it truly is an awful thing. 

im sorry was that late i just had to say that bc deaths and sore spots and just you know

ps story also half inspired by sabi & christy bc sabi said she wanted domestic sooyeol (i compiled even though it's kinda a twisted one) & christy said that her type of angst stories are when theres a loving couple and someone gets cancer and dies so there u have it everyone clap 4 the muses

& yes ik it's really rushed i know im sorry if u have complaints pls complain if u have questions and/or improvements pls comment ty youre all the best for hanging along with me aka loser of the century!!!!!! u guys make me happy

PS HAPPY BIRTHDAY OMGOGOGMOGOGMG IM SORRY IF THIS DIDNT MAKE U CRY FOR A WEEK BUT STILL HAPPY BIRTHDAY

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