Chapter 15: Locked

A breath of exhaustion, worry and anxiousness, exited my body and lungs, and into the air of my colour coordinated house it went. I leaned my head against the door for a second, my hand still on the handle, my car keys dangling from the tips of my fingers. I took a moment for myself to try and soothe the throb in my skull.

I could feel the bags of sleep drooping from my eyelids and the fatigue pulsate within the tissues of my muscles. My emotions had been running high, they’d been running low, and now they had just plateaued into a straight line due to the fact that I was too mentally worn-out to overthink things at this present moment.

I wanted nothing more than to curl up into my soft, warm, bed and sleep off the days events, because I felt guilty for bringing Jessica to the orphanage, I felt guilty over the fact that I had sought her out in the first place. But there was a small section of my conscious that knew it was the right thing to do, because Taeyeon seriously needed closure, whether it was solely with Jessica or not, it’d at least, maybe, give her some peace of mind, or so I hoped. But maybe Taeyeon was perfectly happy living in her dreams of Jessica, though I doubted it because I had seen the pain in her eyes when she mentioned it at the beach that night.

I cared about Taeyeon, I really did, and I was willing to do anything to help her, and I hoped that she could see the reasoning behind my actions. I cared about Taeyeon, but there were moments – when lost in thinking about her – when I thought that, possibly, I cared about Taeyeon, maybe, too much. Maybe.

I listened to the clock tick by, and it seemed as though time had never moved so slowly. It just seemed to echo into my ears, deepening my headache.

“You’re home.”

I turn around. Donghae is standing, leaning in the doorway of the living room, his office attire seemingly a bit scruffy. His tie loose around his neck and the top two buttons of his blue dress shirt undone.

“Yeah.” I say softly, smiling at him weakly, shifting my keys from one hand to the other before setting them down on the table by the door with a clink.

I look at him, his arms folded and his dark hair sweeping just over his eyes. He looked as tired as I felt.

“What’re you doing up?” I ask, taking off my coat and hanging it up.

I turn to look at him again and he simply shrugs, watching me slip out of my shoes. “I just thought that I’d wait for you.”

I walk over to him, wrap my arms around his waist, and lean my head against his chest as his arms come around my shoulders. I feel his lips on the crown of my head, and hear his heartbeat against my ear, and I realize how much I genuinely missed him.

“You shouldn’t have.” I say, my grip loosening. I lift my head and look up at him.

“Why? You didn’t want to see me?” He grins.

I slap his chest gently. “Of course I wanted to see you. I just thought that you might have an early start tomorrow, that’s all.”

His smile gets less cheeky, but no less sincere, his dark eyes glistening with something unintelligible. “I know what you mean, Fany-ah.”

I smile back at him, glancing into the living room to see the TV on at a low hum. “In that case, you can come sit with me for a few minutes.” I say, pulling away and taking his hand in mine.

He feigned a yawn, following behind me. “Jeez, I don’t know, I’m pretty tired.”

“Don’t be a jerk, Donghae.” I warn, pulling him down to sit on the couch next to me. I lean more into him as his arm comes around me. His mannerisms are gentle, caring, and the smell of his familiar scent makes my rushing thoughts settle all at once.

My head rests against his chest, and he’s warm, comforting as his fingers trace horizontal patterns along my upper arm. The murmuring of mindless late-night television dulls into the background.

“What were you watching?” I ask, my eyes on the screen.

He stifles a yawn. “I wasn’t really watching it. I was just waiting.”

I look up at him and he looks down at me. I analyze him for a minute, lifting my hand, bringing it to his chin and softly running my thumb over his bottom lip. I finally meet his eyes.

“Are you okay?” He asks, and suddenly I had a small notion of where this conversation might lead.

“Are you okay?” I remove my hand, away from his face and rest it down, back on my lap.

He gazes at me for a moment, words on the tip of his tongue, but he looks away, back to the TV. “I’m fine.” He says finally. “How was work?”

I was going to pry a little, but I thought better of it.

“Stressful.” I sigh. “Thanks for helping me find that Jung Jessica girl I was looking for, by the way.” I put my head back down on his chest, relaxing once more.

“No problem. What’s the point of working for a big hot-shot company if you can’t even utilize the resources they give you, right?”

I lean up, kiss his cheek with a smile, before returning to my previous position. “Very true, my love.”

He smiles, small and amused across his lips. Then, all falls quiet in the space between us and we watch the TV screen transition from one scene to the other. It feels normal, yet alienating because we hadn’t done this in such a long time, and I hadn’t felt like this in such a long time. I feel him shift his hand, and it lands on my hip gently, resting there with no intention of moving.

We could probably fall asleep like this…I think to myself as I felt a sudden addition of weight to my eyelids, my insides growing warm with comfort.

“You know, it’s weird.” Donghae suddenly states, causing me to fully open my eyes again. “I’ve never seen you put so much effort into a case before.” His voice is casual, observational, and I think that, maybe, this is what has been bothering him lately.

I shrug. “What can I say? I guess Taeyeon’s special.”

I watch him as he flexes his jaw. “Right.” He exhales.

“Why? Is something bothering you?” I ask, my eyebrows raised.

“No.” He shakes his head. “Nothing is bothering me, really. I was just wondering, you know, what makes Taeyeon’s case so important to you.” His eyes were fixated on the TV, and my eyes were fixated on him.

“Taeyeon is just…her situation is a little more delicate than the rest. The other kids that I’ve dealt with were just as important to me.” I reply, a little on the defensive side.

“I’m not saying that they weren’t important to you. I just meant that…you’re putting a whole lot of effort into helping Taeyeon – more than I’ve seen before.” I hear the irritation peak in his voice. He removes his arm from around me, leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands.

I move away a little, sit up properly and observe him. It had been a while since I had seen him this stressed out. He runs his fingers through his hair and sighs.

“Donghae, I-…” I stop, not really knowing why he was suddenly so upset. “I…don’t know what you want me to say. I mean-“

“You’re never here, Fany.” He says, lifting his head and looking at me. I was surprised by the harshness, and so, I stay quiet, purse my lips into a line. “You’re always somewhere else, trying to solve everyone else’s problems. You’re so caught up in it all that you don’t even see the obvious problems in your own relationship. When was the last time we actually spent time together, huh?”

I open my mouth to reply, but he cuts in before I could respond.

“It was right before you took on Taeyeon’s case.”

I frown. “Donghae, that’s not fair.”

He stands, angry. “Not fair? Do you think it’s fair that I don’t even get to see my girlfriend anymore because she’s too busy digging up other people’s pasts? No. Didn’t think so.” I watch him as he paces around, his eyes not leaving mine.

I stand. “Well, what do you want me to do? Quit my job because you’re feeling lonely?” I felt a sudden burst of emotion unravel in the pit of my stomach. “You’re acting as if it’s just me in this relationship. Why don’t you put in some effort for once? Why don’t you take time off from work and the office, and come and see me?”

He drops his arms, sighs, and rubs his face in frustration. “That’s not what I mean-“

“Then what?” I cut in, surprising myself with my stern tone of voice. My heart was pumping and I only just realized how riled up I had gotten.

“I mean…you’re not the only therapist in Seoul that can help Taeyeon.” His voice is softer, and I could see the exasperation in his body language. The TV hummed softly in the background, but we were both in a silence that was tenser than anything we had ever felt when in an argument.

“You want me to drop Taeyeon’s case…?” My voice was slightly disbelieving because I thought that Donghae knew how important each and every case was to me.

“Look Tiffany, someone who is more capable can deal with it. You’re obviously stressed out and-“

“More capable? She’s just a kid, Donghae. She’s been through a lot. How could you even think that I would even consider dropping any case?”

His eyes soften, his head drops and he doesn’t reply. I look at him for a while, exhale loudly and massage my temples as the throbbing returns with a vengeance.

“I’m going to bed.” I say, finally, before turning and leaving to go upstairs.

I enter our bedroom, feeling heavy from the inside out. I grab an elastic band from the dresser and proceed to tie my hair up. I flick the switch on to the bathroom and begin brushing my teeth.

I hear Donghae switching off all the downstairs lights and set the alarm. I listen to the thud of his footsteps and a few minutes later, he appears in the doorway of the bathroom.

I glance at him in the mirror before leaning over and spitting out the foam from the toothpaste. I wipe my lips with a towel.

He comes closer, wraps his arms around my waist and leans his chin on my shoulder. He looks at me through the mirror.

“I’m sorry.” He says sincerely. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” He kisses the side of my neck gently.

I look down, into the sink. “I’m sorry too.”

“It’s okay…I just missed you…a lot.”

I exhale, look at the reflection of us in the mirror and wonder when things were going to change, because he always just missed me and it was always just okay.

* * *

TAEYEON’S POV

I think that, maybe, I should get up, but I don’t. I think that, maybe, I should play sick to try and scrape a day off of school, because my muscles and my head ached and throbbed with dread from the events of the previous night.

I think that, maybe, Sooyoung will want to talk about it further, and I think that, maybe, so will Tiffany.

Talking about myself was something that troubled me. There was always someone trying to get to know me, but how am I supposed to show people who I am when I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I try to listen and count the varied footsteps as they pass by my door and down the stairs. I listen to their voices and realize that they are all unfamiliar. Sooyoung and Jessica were the only people that I had really known here.

Jessica. Jung Jessica. Jessica.

The name pounded and drummed against the insides of my skull, deepening my headache. I inwardly groan, swallowing down the bitter taste of morning that had made itself evident on my tongue.

I turn my head left, still intact with the pillow, and squint at the green glow of the numbers on my alarm clock. I still had ten minutes or so to spare on my somewhat deepening anxiety that was Jung Jessica.

“What do you want?”

Her fingers brush across my collarbone and the want to stay in this very moment forever transitions and overlaps against the rational thoughts that had been crossing my mind previously.

I shrug, pushing back the feeling of fatigue to keep her light voice clear to my ears. My body was already well on its way to tripping and falling into sleep, but my mind was so wide awake, so alert.

“What do you mean?” I ask. My fingertips just pass over her hip and her bodyweight was stopping the blood in my arm from circulating and so the sense of touch in my left hand was slowly diminishing.

My head feels light, as though it was fil