Chapter 9: Without Thinking

I had gnawed off the skin of both my top and bottom lip. It was an old habit, a bad habit that my mother used to scold me for quite a lot. In fact, most people that had ever cared about me would tell me to stop it. Jessica used to do it, saying that it crept her out or something, and Sooyoung would still tell me off for it, telling me that it didn’t help at all. But I guess that’s what a habit is, something that you do without realizing, it’s not really going to benefit you, it just makes things worse in most occasions. You just don’t think about it.

I bit down on my bottom lip again, a stinging pain spreading through the small area of raw skin. I stared at the artificially lit screen, my thumbs hovering over the keypad and the cursor blinking impatiently at me, waiting for me to type something.

I let out a sigh. What was I supposed to say? How was I supposed to say it? Should I just leave it, say that I forgot? But then she might think that something happened to me. Maybe I should just do it...? Save her from being worried about me…but why would she worry anyway?

Hey, Tiffany jus-

No, that’s too informal. I sound too…cheery.

Tiffany, just to tell you-

No, that’s not right either. I needed to write something that sounded formal, but casual at the same time…if that was even possible.

I groaned in frustration rubbing my face, looking up and out of the window, watching as the darkness slowly seeped through the skies colour, turning it into night. I shook my head slightly.

Why was I making such a big fuss over texting her? It wasn’t like I was asking her on a date or anything. I was simply informing her that I had returned back to the orphanage safely. She did tell me to text or call anyway, so this shouldn’t really surprise her…should it?

I sighed again, wetting my lips with my tongue as I leaned forward in my chair, resting my elbows on my knees. Okay, let’s try this one more time.

Just to let you know that I arrived home safely, so you don’t have to worry. And thank you for the food and everything today.

Before I could change my mind on what I had written, I quickly tapped the send button - transporting the message up to the satellite, all the way up in the floating atmosphere of space, and all the way back down to Tiffany’s phone.

I leaned back in my chair, running my fingers through my hair. Maybe I should’ve been less blunt? Or maybe I should have thanked her better? I pursed my lips together, shaking my head. It was too late, I couldn’t un-send it.

I sighed again, leaning my head back and staring at the ceiling, bloating my cheeks out as I thought, breathing through my nostrils.

Maybe I could trust her?

I mean, you wouldn’t just tell someone your whole life story, unless…she really did care about me. But even just thinking it sounded absurd. She didn’t care. She couldn’t care. I was merely just another one of her clients, just another name to add to her list of experience. She was a Therapist. It was her job.

“Taeyeon?”

I lifted my head, slowly turning around to the familiar voice, leaning my arm on the back of the chair. I looked at her in a bored manner. She had a washing basket held firmly in her hands, an apron tied around her small waist - dressed to do the chores around the place.

“I haven’t seen you sitting there in a while.” She smiled, noting that I was sitting next to my painting easel, a blank canvas staring back at me. I had been sketching lately, but I hadn’t painted for a while.

I took a moment to glance at the piece of white material stretched tightly over the wooden frame, asking to be painted and drawn on. I only painted on canvases when I wanted to paint something that I knew would be good, or something that had meaning to me. But most of the time, I just sketched things out on a few notepads when I could.

I only shrugged carelessly, standing up and lazily making my way over to my desk and sitting in my swivel chair.

“So, where were you?” She asked, fully coming in and setting the basket on my bed, and began placing some of my clothes on the mattress, having obviously cleaned them without my consent. I had told her that I wanted to be independent, do things for myself, but whenever I said it, it seemed like she was listening, but she’d always go against my wishes anyway, so I gave up.

“With Tiffany.” I stated, swiveling around in my chair, looking up at all the drawings I had pinned on my wall over the years, my eyes lingering on the ones of Jessica.

“Oh, that’s good.” She said happily. “Where’d she take you?”

“Does it really matter?” I asked, not bothering to look back at her.

She moved and stood next to me, looking up at my wall also.

“Not really.” She shrugged. “I was just curious.”

A comfortable silence fell between us. I looked up at her, watching her. She had her head tilted up slightly, her arms folded and her long hair falling behind her slightly. Sooyoung really was pretty. She was a good person too, caring and kind. Really, she would be the perfect mother. I didn’t really understand why she was still single…well at least I thought she was single.

Actually, I had never really asked her. As normal as my relationship with Sooyoung may seem on the surface, things were a bit different on the inside. I would say that she was the person that knew me best…but yet she didn’t really know me at all. Of course she knew of my past, not because I told her, but because the police had informed her when I was moved into the orphanage when I was really very young. She cared for me, consoled me when I used to cry at night, she tried to be the best guardian she could be, but never have we once spoke about feelings together, the things that had happened in the past and how I felt about them. She was the closest thing I had to a mother…but in many ways she was still a stranger.

All she knew of Jessica and I was that we were friends that had grown to be extremely close. I knew she didn’t particularly like Jessica, for Jessica was mischievous and I knew Sooyoung thought that she was a bad influence on me. But she never said these things to me straight, she would always keep her lips sealed and avoid asking me questions and voicing out what she truly felt.

Even after everything happened and Jessica was no longer here, Sooyoung was the one person that was by my side when I felt heartbroken. She never asked any questions, she only did her best to try and console me.

It was the same both ways. She didn’t know about my personal life and I didn’t know about hers, and I certainly didn’t ask her questions about it. We had this weird type of mutual understanding that went unsaid between us.

As much as I wanted to break the barrier and become emotionally closer to her, I kind of liked the way our relationship was. We knew each other so well…yet we still knew nothing at all. It’s hard to explain, but I feel things are just easier this way.

“You should take