Chapter 13: Understanding

In all honesty, I felt really stupid. And as much as I hate to admit it, I didn’t even realize or take note of any of the signs that she practically waved right in front of my face. I felt stupid. And I was annoyed with myself for not picking it up earlier.

Her ual orientation doesn’t bother me in the slightest, people can love whom they want to love, who am I to say otherwise? But what was really getting underneath my skin was the fact that it was my job to read people, understand them, register all the little things that they did and analyze them to figure out who they really were and solve their problems if it was necessary. I had been doing it for years, and read nearly every single client that had been assigned to me and been successful in helping them overcome whatever it was that they were facing.

But when it came to Kim Taeyeon, things weren’t as simple as they normally were and I often had to plan out my words and actions before I acted on them because I could never really anticipate how she was going to react.

She didn’t like being questioned, she often ran from her problems, but she never ran too far and she was apparently in love with a girl that she used to be friends with, but the girl was no longer here.

I had learnt those things from months of observation, and the little conversation we shared on a day-to-day basis.

I twirled my pen in between my fingers mindlessly as I watched her work from her textbook, head down as her hand moved across her notepad, writing out all the correct working. I lodged my tongue in my cheek. She was being even more quiet than usual, just like she was when I had first met her, and that was worrying.

I couldn’t go back to square one, it had taken me so long to just get this far.

I let out a quiet sigh, my pen still spinning as I let my eyes wander around her walls to where all her drawings and paintings hang. I looked at the ones of that Jessica girl, my eyes staying there for a while, just looking. She was pretty, undeniably pretty.

I couldn’t help but wonder about this Jessica, who she was, where she had gone and why Taeyeon had taken such a liking to her. There had to be more to her than just her looks, because Taeyeon didn’t seem like a shallow person. Taeyeon seemed like the type of person who needed to have a connection with someone for her to like them in any sense, whether it was romantic or not.

There seemed to be some unresolved issues between Taeyeon and this Jessica girl. Whatever it was, it really seemed to affect Taeyeon quite a bit. Taeyeon must have really been in love with her if she was still going to the places that Jessica liked and painting pictures of her. It was sad, really.

I looked back at Taeyeon who was still working quietly, and I sunk down in my chair a little.

I had pulled out her desk into the middle of the room so that we could sit opposite each other. I preferred it this way. I could actually see her face properly, instead of just her side profile like usual.

As much as I loved my job, there were times like this when it could get a little boring. Obviously, helping Taeyeon with schoolwork was a good thing, not only could I spend time with her, I was helping her grades, it was a win-win situation, but there were moments that were literally drowned in silence.

I glanced up at the clock, noting the time before I looked past her and out at the sunny weather outside. I guess summer was finally coming around, as warm light streamed into the room with thick and confident .

I was looking at the clear blue sky, when I noticed the canvas that was on Taeyeon’s painting easel.

“Is that Jessica?”

Her head perked up almost instantly at the mention of her name, and she looked up at me from her notepad, her expression somewhat blank. I nodded my head towards the window to where her painting easel was. She looked back over her shoulder to where I was gesturing, and then turned her gaze back to me again. She nodded slowly, avoiding my gaze by looking back down at her work.

“Could I take a look?”

She looked up again, and locked eyes with me, as if to see if I was being serious. She pressed her lips into a thin line and gave an uncertain nod of confirmation, decision made.

She set her pen down before standing up and walking over to the easel to collect the painting. I got up and went around to stand at her side of the desk. She set it down carefully and moved away so I could look at it properly.

She had obviously taken some amount of care when painting this, the amount of detail was amazing, and the painting as a whole was so beautiful.

“When did you do this?” I asked, not really knowing how to give the praise that she deserved without making her feel uncomfortable.

“Uhm…this morning.” She said quietly. “I still have some finishing touches to put on it.”

I looked over at her. She kept her eyes fixated on the piece of art that she had created, there was something bothering her, I could tell.

“This…” I started, not being to find the right words to say, “This…it’s just…so…amazing. It really is beautiful, Taeyeon. You should be proud.”

She had made Jessica’s face an almost silvery colour, the light catching her skin and everything contrasting perfectly with the night background, as if she was sitting underneath the moonlight. From what I could tell, it was a beach. Taeyeon did say that Jessica’s favourite place was the beach, so it only made sense.

She only nodded in response, not daring to look at me as if she thought that my gaze would turn her to stone. She was uncomfortable. Maybe this was her attempt of letting Jessica go, but I wasn’t sure if it was working. I don’t think she’ll ever be able to move on without resolving the problem or issue that she has with Jessica.

“Taeyeon…” I said softly, “How about we go somewhere else? I mean, it’s a really nice day. We shouldn’t waste it. We’ll carry on studying tomorrow.” I assured, trying to hide the hopefulness in my voice. I didn’t want to sound pushy, because I felt that Taeyeon didn’t like being forced into things.

She stayed quiet, running her finger over the canvas distractedly, grazing over the fine details as if she was painting it all over again. She wet her lips a little as the silence fell between us lightly.

She shifted her gaze onto me, and for the first time today she looked me directly in the eye. Her eyes flickered a little, she looked so confused, so sad and I felt my heart clench a little underneath her gaze.

“Okay.”

* * *

TAEYEON’S POV

My parents had been acting a little strange. My father’s workload had increased, and he’d only come out of his office at meal times. He was stressed, they both were. There were nights when I could hear their muffled voices, yelling at one another.

Of course, they’d have the occasional disagreement, but they would always resolve their differences in a matter of hours and move on as if it never happened. But these weren’t just disagreements, they were fights, arguments. And I was so young at the time, I didn’t really know what was going on and I never interfered because I had learnt at a very young age that you should never get involved with adult’s business.

I was homeschooled, so I never really had any friends or other adults to ask, I had never really met my cousins or uncles, aunts or grandparents either. It was always just my parents and I. I could never imagine it any other way.

“Moving?” I questioned my mother as she brushed my fringe out my eyes gently, the warm glow of my bedside lamp washing over her comforting face that I had looked at for guidance so many times.

She ran a thumb over my cheek and gave a small nod. “Yes, moving.” She confirmed.

I shook my head and scrunched up my face in confusion, sitting up in my bed and looking at her properly. “But why? I like it here.” I protested.

I watched her look down at her lap and I noticed that she had been crying. My expression softened slightly. “Taeyeon-ah, it’s much too complicated for a little girl like you to understand. But we’ll be better off somewhere in the country, and there’ll be big fields that you can play on and the house will be much bigger. I promise we’ll be much happier.” She looked up at me pleadingly.

I gave her a sad look and huffed slightly. “But it isn’t fair.” I whined.

“I know, darling.” She said putting her arms around me, pulling my little body into a warm hug. “But we have to. I know it’s hard for you to understand right now, but when you’re older you’ll thank us for this, Taeyeon-ah. We’re protecting you.”

“Are we in danger?” I asked, pulling away from the hug and looking her in the eye. “Are you and Appa splitting up?” I asked, hot tears threatening to spill.

She shook her head a little, and chuckled lightly, her own tears on the verge of spilling as she ran her fingers through my hair lovingly. “No, your Appa and I are forever.” She smiled as the first tear spilt over her eyelid. She looked at me a moment, her eyes filled with so much love that I only really saw now, looking back at it.

“Here,” She said putting her hand behind her neck, “I want to give you something.”  She had unclasped the necklaces that she always wore around her neck and held them up to me, putting them in my hand carefully. “Your Appa gave me these necklaces to show me how much he loved me, and now I’m giving them to you.” She smiled through her tears.

I looked at them in awe - a lock and a key, glinting slightly in the dim light. She had worn these necklaces ever since I could remember. They were like her most prized possessions.

“These are yours now, make sure you take care of them.” She said softly, closing my hand over, the necklaces in my palm. “You can keep both of them, or you can give one of them to the one you love. But choose carefully.”

I hugged her tightly, and I cried because I could, because I was young and upset that I was moving house. I would have cried harder if I had known the events that were going to unfold soon after.

“I understand, Umma.” I said, my words muffled by the soft fabric of her shirt.

She kissed the crown of my head and held me close. “I love you so much, Taeyeon-ah. I hope you don’t blame us in the future.”

“You don’t really like talking, do you.” She stated, a small smile playing on her lips when she caught my surprised expression. She laughed a little.

I felt uneasy. Like the weight that always seemed to be pushing down on my chest was getting heavier and I was getting weaker. The thought of Jung Jessica crossed my mind a lot more often than it usually did. It seemed as though the space of my head was occupied by her completely, leaving no space for anything else.

I felt hollow inside, more hollow than I normally did. I inhaled deeply, letting the heat from the sun seep into the depths of my