Chapter 9

His pain and Cowardice   

        “My expectations have become exhausted because of always waiting and longing…

            My hopes have been dulled because of these common tears and common hatred…

            My love has wandered through a long time and old memories…

            It grows dusty and faint so even without you, I can withstand it…

            “I’ll never leave you,” your faint words…

            “I’ll never leave you,” your discarded words…

            My broken heart, my clenched heart is breaking down and disappearing…

            “I’ll never leave you,” your forgotten words…

            “I’ll never leave you,” words I repeat by myself…

            Like tears that fall during pouring rain, it hazily disappears…”

            Shin Hye felt the pain in Hong Ki’s voice as he sings. Once again, he is under that spotlight where he can truly and freely express what he feels inside—emotions, that most of the times, are hidden in his cold gestures. Emotions which he suppressed and kept for a very long time that it was embedded deep in his soul now. In that spotlight, everyone seemed to be mesmerized. Everybody appreciates his singing. But no one seems to know the truth behind those sad lyrics, behind his articulate way of singing. Everyone can see his vulnerability but nobody seems to recognize it. Yet, in that spotlight, everyone hears his most hidden sorrows. Everybody listens.

            On the final strum of guitars and the last beat of the drums, Hong Ki sang the final note. And everyone clapped their hands, amazed of the performance of the band. And as the subtle spotlight changed to that much brighter light, spreading all throughout the stage to brighten up everyone’s face, Hong Ki’s eyes then became lifeless, emotionless. He’s back in his reality.

            “Thank you very much for coming tonight. I hope you enjoyed the performance,” Jae Jin said with his soothing voice, showing off his genuine smile.

            The other members also said a short piece of speech for a while to entertain their beloved audience. Then, after that, they went off the stage one by one. Jae Jin exchanged glances with her. And she felt her heart beat fast, knowing for a fact what that gaze meant. Time for the plan to work. And she swears she’s sorry for what will happen.

            “Noona!” Min Hwan yelled cheerily and waved his hands at her. She smiled back at him and patted his shoulders.

            “Nice work guys,” she told them. “You were awesome right there at the stage.”

            “Thank you,” Jong Hoon grinned at her, contented with her comment.

            Seung Hyun smiled at her also before he comforted himself on the seat next to Jong Hoon. Hong Ki, on the other hand, lies on his own seat, sipping his coffee in his usual silence. Everyone is relaxing themselves after the breath-taking performance they just had. On a split second, the relaxing atmosphere everyone is enjoying might be ruined.

            “Where’s Jae Jin hyung?” Seung Hyun asked, rolling his head from side to side to find Jae Jin. The guys just shrugged their heads, not knowing where the bassist could be.

            “I’m here,” Jae Jin’s soothing voice captured all their attentions. And she could hear her heart beating fast, knowing that the next minutes would be complicated and heavy.

            “Where have you been?” Jong Hoon asked with his brows arched.

            Jae Jin glanced at her, and she in some air secretly. Tension is building up in the two of them, but no one seems to recognize.

            “Guys, I am with someone,” Jae Jin spoke softly, getting more of the curiosity of everybody.

            “Hyung, are you going to introduce us to your girlfriend?” Min Hwan grinned, teasing the bassist. The boys grinned teasingly, anticipating what Jae Jin will be uttering next.

            “N-no. It’s not what you think guys,” Jae Jin answered, his voice cracking with tension. With tinge of disappointment in their faces, the boys eyed Jae Jin, somehow not believing his words.

            “Then who are you with?” Hong Ki’s curious question made the atmosphere heavier for Jae Jin, as well as with her.

            Jae Jin glanced at her before he sighed and opened the door. He called out for someone, and in the next seconds, a beautiful girl emerged from the door. The girl stood before them, her bangs scattered proportionally on her forehead, her rounded brown eyes grew larger and her jaw tightened as she gritted her teeth when she saw Hong Ki. Her heart is beating fast, recognizing the mere and dominating presence of Lee Hong Ki. She’s feeling pain, she feeling nervous; she’s feeling a lot of emotions she doesn’t know how to describe at all. There are questions bombarding her mind. And she couldn’t understand why she was put in that kind of situation. She turned her face from side to side, feeling different pair of eyes lay on her as they scrutinized her. She couldn’t understand why Jae Jin brought her here, and why Shin Hye is standing with this unfamiliar guys in front of her.

            “Oppa,” she called out softly, her voice trembling, her eyes emitting pain as she is staring at the stiff Hong Ki. Slowly, she turned to Jae Jin who’s beside her and gave him her questioning glare. “What is this Jae Jin? What am I doing here?”

            Hong Ki, on the other hand, has this gloomy expression in his face, a clear manifestation that he doesn’t like what he was seeing. He is eyeing Jae Jin sharply, clenching his fists as if he’s ready to punch anyone in no time. His domineering silence ruled over himself—silence that speaks and shouts for the chaos inside him.

            “Hello! I’m Choi Min Hwan!” the youngest happily waved his hands on the girl, not feeling the tension building up in their atmosphere.

            “Song Seung Hyun here!” the guitarist smiled brightly, introducing himself. The tension is also unknown to him.

            Jong Hoon, unable to stand the awkwardness in the atmosphere anymore, stood up to break the silence.

            “Suzy,” he called her softly. And that caught the eyes of the innocent kids. They turned to their leader with questioning eyes.

            “You know her, hyung?” Seung Hyun asked.

            Jong Hoon turned to his younger members and gently nodded his head. But that answer was not enough to pacify their curiosity. Instead, it opened up for more questions manifested in their eyes. And he knows he has to make these kids understand.

            “She’s… she’s… Hong Ki’s sister,” Jong Hoon dropped the bomb, making Seung Hyun and Min Hwan’s eyes grew larger with shock.

            “Hyung,” Jae Jin, who has now gathered his courage back to speak to Hong Ki called out for his attention. “I hope the both of you could talk to each other… and… and clear things out,” he told him, biting his lower lip.

            Hong Ki’s cold and sharp gaze lingered on Jae Jin.

            “Who are you to tell me what to do?” Hong Ki spat his words to Jae Jin. They are low, but clear and firm.

            “Hong Ki!” Jong Hoon called out for his best friend with a warning on his voice. But even Jong Hoon couldn’t do anything to pacify the wrath in Hong Ki’s inner self.

            “Guys, listen,” Jong Hoon, with a leader’s instinct called out for s, directing them what to do. Everyone was as if paralyzed to witness the heavy atmosphere surrounding them and Jong Hoon has to do something before everything gets worse. “We best be on our way out. They have to have time alone for them to talk. You understand?”

            The younger guys nodded their heads, knowing that what the idea their leader has formulated was the best thing they could do. Even Shin Hye would want to thank Jong Hoon for being brave enough to at least know what remedy could be done at the moment.

            “Nobody’s going out!” Hong Ki stated firmly, mandating them as if it’s the only thing that’s left for them to do. He one by one eyed them sharply as if telling them not to mess with his business. And before anyone could argue with him, Hong Ki exited the door, once again escaping from facing the truth and realities.

            “Hong Ki!” Shin Hye yelled aloud, hoping that she could stop him, but her words were nothing to him. And it felt like a knife was struck at her. She should’ve known that this would happen. Hong Ki would just escape the confrontation, and Suzy will end up more shattered than before.

            Suzy’s knees trembled with all the intensity that she just slowly fell on the floor when she couldn’t support herself anymore. And she stayed sitting there, her body limp, crying softly and painfully.

            “Suzy,” Jae Jin mumbled softly, hugging the tired body of Suzy as if he could give her some strength.

            “What did you do, Jae Jin?” the calm and collected Jong Hoon was now gone as he yelled firmly to his bassist. He looks mad and frustrated. “You’re just complicating everything!”

            “It’s not him, Jong Hoon! It’s me!” she answered, defending Jae Jin from the wrath of the leader. “I’m the one who planned all this confrontation. I am the one who collaborated with Jae Jin to bring Suzy here, hoping that with this sudden meeting, each of them will be more open and will be more willing to understand each other. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!”

            “We just wanted to help, hyung,” Jae Jin tried to defend her as well.

            “But it didn’t help, Jae Jin,” Jong Hoon’s words are sharp. Then, he glanced at her with that kind of gaze that would make you feel guiltier than ever.

            She bit her lower lip as she lowered herself to hold Suzy’s hand. She squeezed it tighter, wanting her to feel a tinge of hope despite the tiredness she feels.

            “I’m sorry, Suzy,” she whispered sincerely. “I just want your brother to realize things. I know it’s painful. I know it’s hard. The process is painful, but it has to be worth it.”

            Suzy didn’t say a thing. She just continued to cry in Jae Jin’s arms.

            Shin Hye slowly stood up and faced the band’s members. “I’m sorry guys if I destroyed your peaceful moment. I’m really really sorry,” she apologized to them, bowing her head real low. Then, she went out of the door, hoping to find Hong Ki easily.

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            Shin Hye wandered around the streets to search for Hong Ki, but there is no sign of him in the road. Her heart is pounding fast because of the tiredness she feels, combined with her worries for him. She can also feel the chills sent unto her spine because of the hugging coldness of the winter season. And she can only rub her hands together and blow it closely to somehow ease the cold, sometimes also adjusting her winter gear.

            “Where are you, Hong Ki?” she asked, puffing out a cold breath, with a little frustration building up in her.

            Now, she doubts if she really did make the right choice of trying to help both Hong Ki and Suzy. Maybe now they are both angry at her for she knew how vulnerable they are, yet she had that courage to actually make them feel more suffering. But she believes that that was the best thing to do if she wanted to help them—to make them face each other despite all the hurting because that’s what would set them free from all the pain. She wants them to blurt out all the hurt and sorrows they feel inside toward each other, the sufferings they have to undergo and the scars it left them so that they would learn every wound each one had and still has; so they would understand each other’s pain.

            But Hong Ki was a coward. Despite that stubborn and independent guy he shows and portrays to all the people he meets his way, despite that cold and frigid character he has, he is that coward child who runs away whenever he recognizes the coming of pain. That is why he’s always caging up himself. All of what he is are masks he use to cover himself from hurting, but the truth is that, he can't stop the bleeding no matter what he do.

            With her last hope to find him, she stood in front of that tall building where Hong Ki used to go whenever he’s trying to escape. And as if the heaven answered her prayer, Hong Ki exited the building. His face is flustered with such gloominess he always owned.

            “Hong Ki,” she called out for him, enough to catch his attention. She felt her heart thump with such relief now that she found him.

            Hong Ki stared at her with his burning deep brown eyes—eyes that are filled with so much loneliness that haunts her.

            “What are you doing here? How did you know that I will be here?” he asked her, his voice cold and emotionless.

            “I don’t know…” she answered, shrugging her shoulders. “I just thought that you would be here, and I’m glad I found you here,” she said, giving him a faint smile.

            Hong Ki didn’t say a word. He just turned his back at her and continued walking away. She followed him, like what she always do. Still, Hong Ki didn’t say a thing, so it meant that it was fine to follow him and so she continued.

            “I’m sorry,” she mumbled softly, bowing her head low. The cold breeze of winter blew hard on her and made her tremble, as if it was blowing hard to bring Hong Ki her words. Hong Ki surprisingly stopped from walking without her knowing that her head bumped unto his lean back when she stepped forward. Now, there is a very small distance between the two of them. But she didn’t step backward to give herself proper space, nor did Hong Ki move to continue walking away. They just stood still.

            “For what?” he asked.

            “For making you feel ill today. I was the one who asked Jae Jin to bring Suzy at the bar.”

           Hong Ki didn’t move a little upon hearing what she confessed. He also didn’t utter a thing. He just stood there, as if waiting for her upcoming words. And she stood there, leaning her forehead at his back with brief silence, not seeing what Hong Ki’s reaction is.

            “I actually know your sister,” she continued. “I know her even before I learned that she is your sister. Suzy is my dorm mate. And… And I know her feelings towards you, Hong Ki. I know how bad she wants to feel the presence of the elder brother she always had, but couldn’t have. I know how pure her intentions are. And I am a witness on how devastated she was whenever you are shattering her.”

            Silence briefly overwhelmed the two of them until Hong Ki slowly moved, walking away from her. Seeing him slowly running away again, she felt an intense feeling knock her heart that triggered her to finally blurt out her frustrations about how coward Hong Ki is.

            “So what? You’re running away again, Hong Ki?” she asked sarcastically, soft yet firm. Her stare stiffened with the walking figure of him. “When are you going to be tired of your running and escaping away from your pains? Why can't you face them, Hong Ki?” she yelled at him as he continued walking away from her.

            “You know what; you’re such a big coward jerk Lee Hong Ki! You’re coward! YOU’RE THE BIGGEST COWARD I’VE EVER MET, LEE HONG KI!!”

            Hong Ki stopped when he heard her hurtful words, facing her with his eyes burning with anger, eyes filled with beaten pride and ego. He is clenching his fists hard and gritting his teeth as if he is ready to knock down someone.

            “Why? Why are you staring at me like that? Because I hit the spot correctly, right? Because I am right! You’re coward Hong Ki!” she yelled even more at him, clenching his fists and stiffening her jaw. “You’re one self-centered coward jerk! You think you’re the only one hurting, you think you’re the only victim that’s why you’re acting like the world’s beating you up. You are so much into your miserableness and sorrows that you’re making those people who wants to reach for you miserable as you are! You are only thinking about yourself, pitying and grieving about the lonely life you had. You are so afraid of opening yourself because you know you’re vulnerable to all the pains. You are too afraid of hurting that’s why you are always running away from all confrontations. But what you don’t understand is that you’re hurting yourself more with what you’re doing. You’re not letting go of the pain, you don’t know how to forgive. You’re keeping everything to yourself when there are people who are ready to share the pain with you. You’re just burying the pain deep into your wounded soul. You’re not healing yourself, Hong Ki, that’s why you’re still suffering!”

            “Yes, you are right! I’m coward! I’m one selfish coward jerk!” he yelled back at her, throwing in the air his hard clenched fists, tearing her with eyes burning with so much anger. “So what? So what if I’m coward, Shin Hye? So what if I’m afraid to be hurt? Can you really blame me? Why do you care so much about me, Shin Hye? Why don’t you just stop pestering me and let me live my life as coward and as vulnerable as it is right now?!”

            A tear escaped her eyes as the cold wind blew and hugged her body.

            Why does she care so much for him? What’s the real reason? Why is she attached too much with him?

            “Because I pity you,” she told him. “I pity you for living such a sorrowful life when you don’t really have to. There are lots of people out there who are experiencing more sufferings than you do, but still, they have a positive outlook about their lives. There are dying people out there who should cry, weep and feel weak about their conditions, but instead, they are the ones who see life in its most beautiful horizon even in their expiring time. You are blessed you have a long road ahead of you. Yet, you are afraid to live your life the way it should be lived. Don’t wait for your time to expire before you realize you haven’t lived your life to the fullest. Not everyone has that chance.”

            Hong Ki grinned at her sarcastically, piercing her little by little with the way he stares at her.

            “So now you’re lecturing me about life? Great, Shin Hye. Just great! Thank you for your suggestion but you’re not in the right position to tell me how to live my life. Who are you, woman?”

            She hung her head a little low, feeling the escape of her tears now. Yeah, right, she is not in the right position to lecture him. After all, it’s only now when she’s really living her life. Now, when the time is not enough anymore. And besides, who is she to him for him to listen? They are not even friends.

            “So are you now done with your life lessons?” Hong Ki asked sarcastically. “If you are, then, I should be going now!”

            Hong Ki gave her his final sharp glance, shattering her like a thin glass before he turned away from her. He walked away from her, crossing the road carelessly just to make a clear distance between the two of them. Every step he takes makes her heart ache in pain for each step he takes farther away from her makes her feel that she could and would never ever reach him.

            With tears blurring her eyes, she looked at the vanishing figure of him. And on the side of her eyes, she saw a fast approaching car coming towards his way. And he walks like he doesn’t care at all, having no knowledge of the upcoming danger. Feeling the adrenaline rushed through her veins, she felt her feet took the step closer to him, breaking the walls of the distance he has created.

            “Hong Ki!” she yelled, warning him as she spread out her arms to reach for him, pulling him away from the upcoming danger. Afraid of nothing, not even death, she had dragged Hong Ki away finally saving him as she herself bravely faced the upcoming car—her end, not feeling any beat of her heart as calmness soothed her totality. She’s ready to die anytime. She had already prepared herself for it.

            She stood at her place, facing the crashing fast car. Her feet seemed to be locked at the road but she cares no less. She just closed her eyes and waited.

            “Shin Hye!” Hong Ki yelled in horror, his heart racing fast, his breathing uneven.

            She felt the loud impact of wind brushed her face harshly as she heard the squeal of the car.

            Still, she stood there, waiting.

            “Shin Hye!!” she heard Hong Ki’s voice soften, his breath touched his cheek as safe arms wrapped around her body as if protecting her from the harm. “Oh my, Shin Hye… Shin Hye…” she could feel the trembling of his voice, as if he was so afraid.

            “Aish! If you two have a fight, please don’t do it in the road!” a loud voice of an angry man forced her to finally open her eyes. There, she saw the once fast crashing car already stopped right in front of her but not enough to touch her. The grumpy middle- aged man is yelling angrily from his seat, glaring at both of them with his nose flaring. “I almost hit you, aish! You are such a disturbance. Next time, please don’t quarrel in the road! You don’t know who you are disturbing!”

            “W-were so sorry. We’ll be careful next time,” she managed to say.

            The angry man arrogantly rolled his eyes and shook his head before he sped his car away from them as fast as he drove his car before it almost hit her.

            “A-are you okay? Does anything hurt? Do you want to go to the hospital?” Hong Ki bombarded her with questions as his eyes scrutinized her face as if inspecting if it was okay or not. His arms are still wrapped around her that give her a comforting and unusual feeling at the same time. She could swear she was not trembling a while ago when she decided to risked her life for him, but now that his hands are around her, and his face are just inches away from her, she could feel her knees weaken.

            “Shin Hye, please talk… Answer me,” Hong Ki’s eyes are full of concern right now. It was so different from those burning eyes he had a while ago.

            She slowly nodded her head, stiffening herself a little as she pushed him farther away from her.

            “I’m fine, Hong Ki,” she replied coldly.

            She was surprised and taken aback when Hong Ki pulled her in for a tight hug as if he was so relieved that she was okay. A while ago, he was as if cursing her to vanish immediately from his sight, but now he is embracing her like he doesn’t want to let her go.

            “I’m so relieved you’re okay,” he whispered softly.

            She gently pushed Hong Ki away from her. Then, even with the weakness she feels, she walked away from him slowly.

            “Why did you do that, Shin Hye?” Hong Ki’s serious voice made her stop from walking away from him. Again, for the second time today, he asked her a question she really doesn’t know how to answer.

            Why do I care so much about him? Why did I risk my life to save him?

            “For you to understand the value of one’s life,” she answered briefly before she finally walked away from him.

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Hello there folks!! My second update for today:)))

Hope you enjoy this chapter! ^^

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