Chapter 19

Pushing Him Away

“WHY didn’t you tell me?”

            Shin Hye closed her eyes as she bit her lower lip when she heard Hong Ki asked that question she has been avoiding.

            “Why didn’t you tell me, Shin Hye? Why?” Hong Ki continued to ask her. Shin Hye opened her eyes and looked at the man in front of her. He looks so obscure. She couldn’t see what was the emotion lingering in his eyes.

            “Why?”

            She felt as if there was a lump in . She couldn’t speak; she couldn’t tell him her reasons. Pain is just too much for her. Just seeing him looking at her condition, it pains her.

            “Oh let me rephrase the question,” Hong Ki said with a sarcastic smirk pasted on his lips. “Do you even have any plans on telling me your condition?”

            “Hong Ki… I…”

            “I felt like a fool Shin Hye!” Hong Ki said in gritted teeth, cutting her sentence. She saw the blazing fire of agony in his eyes. “I felt betrayed. I felt deceived. Why didn’t you tell me Shin Hye? Why? Don’t you have the slightest trust on me?”

             “Hong Ki…” Shin Hye felt her lips tremble when she uttered his name. Tears are starting to elope from her eyes. “I-It’s not like that…”

            “Then what?!” Hong Ki asked her in a yell.

            “Because I don’t want to hurt you…”

            “But you’re hurting me now,” Hong Ki answered her. And there she saw a shining tear fell down his cheeks. “Do you think ignorance can save me from hurt?”

            Rain of tears travelled down Shin Hye’s face. Seeing him in great pain because of her doubles the pain she’s feeling. It’s a torture.

            She heard him sobbed, and it crushed her into pieces. When she looked at him, Hong Ki was crying really hard in front of her.

            “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…” Shin Hye cried. “I didn’t mean to cause this pain.”

            She felt like melting when she felt Hong Ki encapsulated her in a hug—a tight hug that seems to tell that he can't let her go. That very moment, she just wanted to put all her walls down and just succumb into what her heart’s whispering to her ever since. But she’s afraid, so afraid of what will happen if she does so.

            “What if I lose you even before I learned about your circumstance? Do you know how painful that would be? Do you know how much regret that would bring me? Why do you keep on putting your hands in things that doesn’t concern only you?”

            Shin Hye freed herself from Hong Ki’s hug though she was feeling really weak. He’s right; he’s going to lose her after all. So she tightened her grip on her heart and faced Hong Ki with a stiffened resolve.

            “Because this is the right thing to do,” she said firmly, though she was really slowly shattering inside. “Go away now Hong Ki. Leave. Nothing would happen between us.”

            “But I love you Shin Hye,” Hong Ki protested, tears are b down his eyes abundantly. It was such a pain to see him devastated like this. “And you love me, too.”

            She shook her head slightly. “I-I don’t, Hong Ki.”

            She was surprised when Hong Ki punched the wall beside him. “Why do you keep pushing me away? I love you, and I know you love me, too. I’ve read it in your journal,” Hong Ki exasperated. “I am not afraid of your sickness, Shin Hye. We can fight this together. There would be you and me, you and me… forever.”

            Shin Hye couldn’t help but to let go of her stubborn tears. She couldn’t suppress the pain that’s killing me anymore.

            “Forever,” she mumbled that word, and it pained her tremendously. “Forever is just a word. It’s not true Hong Ki. It’s not. You and I, we’re not meant to be together. Because you’re going to lose me after all. I’m going to die soon. I have brain tumor, and it’s in the terminal stage. That’s why I don’t want you to attach yourself to deep to me. Because I’m going to leave you. I’m still going to leave you even if I love you. Our love, it can't do anything. It won’t change the fact that there is no forever between the two of us.”

            “Shin Hye—“

            Before Hong Ki could utter his thoughts, Shin Hye cleared the tears on her cheeks. She lay down on her bed and covered herself with the blanket. It was disrespectful, but she had to cut this now before she becomes drained.

            “Go home Hong Ki. I’m tired,” she said coldly.

            After a few seconds, she heard footsteps. Hong Ki was already walking away. And that’s what she wanted. He has to walk away from her life for she would bring no good on him.

            This is the best way to end it, Shin Hye. She convinced herself.

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