Chapter 16

So Badly

            Shin Hye felt her knees weak as she swallowed hard to catch her breath. Her heart throbs painfully inside her chest. It beats so heavy, pulling her into the depths of loneliness.

            She can't. She knows she can't… But why does knowing that fact makes her feel burden when from the very beginning she knew and she created her own limitations?

            She bit her lower lip and blew a long sigh, as if that breath could take away all the heavy burdens inside her heart.

            “Why are you here?”

            Shin Hye heard that voice… that very voice. Blood rushed through her veins and her heart pumped violently. Mixed emotions—fear, weakness, anticipation, and a lot more feelings she can't decode—that’s what she felt.

            “I… just wanted to get some fresh air,” she answered, lowering her head when she felt him sit on the empty space of the gutter where she is seated. “You, why are you here? You still have another round of performance, right?”

            “Why aren’t you looking at me?”

            She shut her eyes close and lowered her head more when she heard his question. His voice sounds too innocent, proving that he has no idea of why she acts this way. And it pains her more.

            ‘Why do you have to kill my heart like this, Hong Ki? Why?’

            “Why wouldn’t I look at you?” she said, finally facing him. She even faked a smile, wishing that she wouldn’t get lost staring at his deep brown eyes.

            “I don’t know,” Hong Ki shrugged his shoulders, staring at Shin Hye intently. Worry is evident in his eyes. And his face shows how clueless he is. And that tears her apart.

“Didn’t you like the song?” Hong Ki asked softly, yet Shin Hye felt she became deaf with her heart’s loud and shouting painful beats. That was the question she‘s avoiding. If only she could run away…

            “Of course, I liked it,” she swallowed hard, trying hard not to let her voice shake. “Who wouldn’t like it when Lee Hong Ki sings?”

            “But why did you leave?”

            It’s as if time is ticking slower that the usual when Hong Ki asked her that painful question. No, it’s actually just a casual question—a simple question that needs a simple answer. But sometimes, those simple questions were the hardest to answer.

            “I…I just felt I had to go out,” she answered lamely, avoiding his gaze.

            “Shin Hye…”

            “Why don’t you go back inside? I’m sure the guys are waiting for you. I’ll follow soon,” she said, trying to push him away.

            “Shin Hye, I know… I know you heard it…”

            She couldn’t move an inch when she heard Hong Ki’s voice. That voice, that tone, is the same one she wanted to hear, but is also the one she shouldn’t hear.

            “Heard what? I don’t get you,” she said, lowering her head a little more.

            “I know you heard… the melody of my heart…”

            Shin Hye felt her world momentarily stopped. As if she and Hong Ki are the only people sharing the world for this moment. That sweet voice, that sweet confession—all the things those words imply—could melt her heart. It was happiness. It was joy. It was a moment to savor.

            But at the same time, it was pain. It was a shattering pain that feels more severe than dying.

            “That song… those lyrics are meant for you, Shin Hye. Only for you,” Hong Ki continued. His voice is so sincere, so honest. It speaks of genuine feelings that it shakes because of nervousness. It was the sweetest melody ever, yet she didn’t know that it will also be the most bitter.

            “I didn’t know… I didn’t expect… that this time would ever come,” he stuttered. Then a cute smile formed his lips, as he scratched his head lightly. “No, actually everything became unexpected when you came into my life. You were like the rain to me. You poor down on me without precautions, and made me feel sick with my life before. You were also like the wind to me. I didn’t know how you did it, but you made me feel again. You were the sun in that cold winter’s night…”

            “Aigoo~” Hong Ki scratched his head again. “I actually don’t know how to say this. I’m not good at this thing, but I know that if I don’t let this out, it will just explode out of me, like a bomb that ran out of time… I just couldn’t handle this anymore, Shin Hye. I know this may seem too fast, but I also don’t know since when I felt this feeling. This is crazy; you were all I think about all the time!”

            She felt Hong Ki clutched her hand and held it tightly, as if he won’t ever let her go.

            “Shin Hye, I love you… I love you so badly.”

            So badly. A tear fell down from her eyes, until it became rain of tears. She just couldn’t stop them from streaming down her face no matter how hard she tried to control them. Just like the way she tried to control her feelings for him, yet in the end, just like him, she fell so badly for him. So badly she can't pull herself out of it. So badly, it kills her now. So badly, she can't say those words her heart is shouting because if she did, she will just hurt him—so badly.

            “S-Shin Hye… Why are you crying?” Hong Ki asked, trying to console her. He cupped her face and wiped her tears. “I-I’m sorry. Am I way too fast? Sorry…”

            “I’m sorry,” she held Hong Ki’s hands which are still cupping her face. And she cried so hard on his hands. She can't help it. It was just so painful.

            “I’m sorry, Hong Ki…” she shook her head lightly. “I can't love you…”

            She looked straight into Hong Ki’s eyes. And though her tears made her vision blurry, she could still see the pain in Hong Ki’s eyes. It was so vivid. And it kills her more.

            “You and I… We are not for each other… I’m sorry…” she struggled saying those words, both because of her choking tears, and also because she doesn’t mean those words.

            “There’s someone out there who deserves to be loved by you, and that someone is not me…”

            It was very hard to say those words. It was very hard to say that there’s someone who deserves him more than her. It was very hard to tell him things which are absolutely the antonym of her true feelings. But she has to sacrifice her own feelings and push him away from her because it’s the best thing she could do. There’s more to his life than her.

            “But it’s you that I love. Shin Hye, it’s you,” tears started to elope Hong Ki’s eyes, too. And it felt so hard for Shin Hye to see the painful tears of the one she loves.

            Shin Hye lowered her head and continued to cry helplessly. No one knows what she’s feeling right now. It’s as if she’s dying as she can see how badly hurt and ruined Hong Ki is. It’s even worse because she is the reason why he cries now. And she could do nothing but to let him be hurt because if she tells him her true feelings, she will just hurt him even more. This is the reason why she doesn’t want to fall in love at the very first place. Because loving is the hardest thing to do.

            “And I don’t feel the same way, Hong Ki,” she choked with her own words, but she has managed to say those.

            “I don’t believe you. I don’t…” Hong Ki shook his head violently. Then, he hugged her so tight. So tight, she wanted to just succumb to her feelings, and forget about doing what is right—that is, saving him from a much more painful misery.

            “I’m telling the truth! I don’t love you!” she pushed Hong Ki away from her with all the remaining strength on her. “I don’t love you. I only pity you and your miserable life. And that’s just that! I’m sorry if I made you fall for me. But empathy is all that I can give you.”

Shin Hye leaned at her room’s door after she had closed it. She feels so weak. Even her breathing’s not fine. And her heart, it’s ruined—wrecked.

            She doesn’t know how she had managed to walk away from Hong Ki without looking back at him; or running back and hugging him while telling him that everything she has said were all big lies. She also didn’t know where she had got that energy to leave him, but she has escaped. She has escaped from him, but why does she feels so hurt?

            She walked the distance to her bed and lied on it. She hugged herself as tears once again invaded her eyes and wet her cheeks. She closed her eyes. She feels so tired that she wanted to sleep. Yet she can't help but to see Hong Ki’s pained expression amidst her closed eyes. She can't forget how badly hurt he is… because of her.

            Restless, she sat up on her bed and got her huge notebook that serves as her journal. She wanted to write everything that she felt—every lie, every pain, the very truth—hoping that she would feel at ease after. But she knows she wouldn’t.

            Hong Ki,

        I’m sorry, I lied to you. The truth is; I love you, too. I love you just like the way you love me. And if we are in other situation, I am sure that I will gladly accept your love.  It’s just that… the situation prohibits me to do so.

        I also don’t know either how I fell in love with you. You were that grumpy, irascible, and frigid guy, and yet you made your way into my heart. Maybe it was magic. Maybe, love is magic. Because there are no possible logical answers to clear why people feel these emotions. Well, there are a lot of answers if you ask me how and why did I love you, but I know no answer would ever be enough to be a reason. It’s a feeling I just felt.

        Maybe the main purpose of why met on that record bar that fateful day was because we were meant to fall in love. At least I know what it feels to be in love, how to love, and how to be loved. It’s just that it’s not meant for us to stay together forever. Forever is just a word. That’s reality. And it . But though it and it hurts so much, still, I don’t regret anything. I came here because I wanted to fulfill my dreams, but being with you, and falling for you is more than the fulfillment of my dreams. And though our love story isn't fulfilled, these feelings will stay in my heart. And it will be here until I die.

        Everything we did together, every word you told me, every song we’d shared were enough for me. The moment you told me your sweet confession was the happiest moment I’ll savor until the end of my end of my life. It’s just sad that that happiness that lingered to my system didn’t last long. Pain took place so easily. And I feel so bad for hurting you. If you only knew how painful it was for me… But I did it to make you happy. Because I know that with me, you’ll never be happy. If this pain I feel inside is what I have to feel just so I could assure that you wouldn’t be hurt more severely, I would gladly endure this. Because that’s how much I love you.

            Tears once again fell from her eyes until it soaked the papers. And she cried even more when she felt the wind blew softly, as if comforting her with a whisper that what she did was for the best.

            ‘And I hope the best for you, Hong Ki.’

            The wind blew once again. And unexpectedly, it turned the pages of her notebook. And it stopped right where she put the things she wanted to accomplish—her ‘to-do list’.

1. Go to Seoul.

2. Have at least one album of Nickelback.

3. Get your first ever guitar and learn how to play it. (hire a guitar coach if needed ^_^)

4. Capture picture of anything that manifests life’s beauty.

5. Meet people and make friends.

6. Encourage people close to you to live a meaningful life.

7. Do good on others even though you know them not.

8. Live your life to the fullest. Seize opportunities, achieve your goals. Make the most out of it and never waste time.

9. Live your life through music. Perform in front a lot of people and convey your heat’s message.

10. Fall in love.

            A faint smile curved her lips when she saw her bucket list. It was almost accomplished. Even no. 10, which was actually deleted and wasn’t already part of the list was fulfilled. She fell in love badly, and she was also hurt badly.

            This is why she doesn’t want to fall in love. This is why she erased #10 on her list. Because she can't make the person she’ll fall for happy. She doesn’t want to see people crying because of her. She doesn’t want to see them hurt because of her. She doesn’t want to be the reason of their pains. But avoiding him to feel more pain hurts her also in the process.

            ‘And yet, falling in love with you is the best thing I’ve ever felt,’ she whispered to herself, wishing that the wind could whisper that to Hong Ki’s ears.

            Suddenly, she felt a slash of pain in her head that made her yell aloud. That pain is the kind of pain that makes her want to hit her head on the walls every time it attacks. It’s a pain that feels like hammering her head a little harder every time.

            Her journal fell from her lap when she can't help but to curl her body and cover her head with her hands as if that would do the magic and kill the pain. But it was no use. With every hammer-like pain in her head, she feels weaker. Beads of sweat are already formed on her hands and forehead. And her vision is so blurry she can see nothing but black. She’s yelling but her shouts she herself couldn’t hear it anymore.

            She shut her eyes close as her chest raised up and down to catch her breathing that has started to be difficult.

            Is this the time to die?

*******

Cried while writing this. Ugh, so much painful emotions. It’s mixed up I don’t really know how to write everything. I also don’t know if I gave justice to their feelings, because it’s very hard. Anyways, I hope you guys felt this chapter.

Comments, upvotes, and subscriptions are very welcome. :) Thank you so much for the continuous support and love for our HongShin couple :)