Chapter 18

Shattering Pain; Unbearable Suffering

A tear fell directly into the white pages of the notebook that it soaked what was written there. It isn't good to wet the pages with tears, he knows. It might probably ruin the writing, or worse, the page itself. But he cannot stop his tears from falling. A tear eloped, until another, until another… He tried to wipe them away. But the tears won’t just stop. He can't stop from crying. He can't stop from hurting, especially that what he’s reading from that notebook is paining him more.

            Hong Ki doesn’t know where he got the courage to open Shin Hye’s notebook. He wanted to deny everything Suzy told him. They say knowing the truth won’t hurt, right? And he doesn’t want to bleed more. But refraining himself from not knowing the truth hurts him more, especially that every little fragments of the truth is just in front of him. It hurts to be in denial when every little pieces of evidence are getting vivid in your very eyes, and you can't do anything to shut your eyes off.

            That’s why he decided to finally open Shin Hye’s journal. But everything that he’s seeing is paining him to death. It’s killing him inside. And he could do nothing but to shed tears—rain of tears. He continued flipping the pages of the notebook. And there, he saw something which caught his eyes.

To-do List :)

1. Go to Seoul.

2. Have at least one album of Nickelback.

3. Get your first ever guitar and learn how to play it. (hire a guitar coach if needed ^_^)

4. Capture picture of anything that manifests life’s beauty.

5. Meet people and make friends.

6. Encourage people close to you to live a meaningful life.

7. Do good on others even though you know them not.

8. Live your life to the fullest. Seize opportunities, achieve your goals. Make the most out of it and never waste time.

9. Live your life through music. Perform in front a lot of people and convey your heat’s message.

10. Fall in love. Make him smile.

** These are the things I have to accomplish in the little span of time I have. Enjoy life, and be free like a bird.

Shin Hye ♥♪

        Hong Ki shut his eyes close and bit his lower lip to prevent himself from sobbing more. Shin Hye even has a list—a bucket list, where she put everything she wanted to do with the little span of time she has. If this bucket list is simply just a time table for her things to-do, he must’ve felt happy and proud of her. Shin Hye has executed almost everything that’s in the list. But this list is not just a mere time table of random things, it’s the time table of her life—a very strict time-framed table, a time you doesn’t know when will come. But when it comes, you must assure yourself that everything you wanted to be done has been done.

            He flipped another page, and there, he saw various photographs pasted. It has even designs on it, and it has captions written.

            He saw a picture of Shin Hye at Seoul’s bus station. She was wearing a thick- knitted blazer, and has a bonnet and scarf on. She’s smiling from molar to molar doing that V-sign with her fingers. And the caption says, “Hello Seoul. Here I come. ♥” That photo was taken the first time her foot landed at Seoul.

           The next picture that was pasted was the picture of the record bar. And Hong Ki smiled at their memory here. This is the place where he and Shin Hye first met. This was the time fate decided to intersect their lives.

            His eyes grew larger when he saw a very unfamiliar picture. He was surprised to see a picture of him, looking grumpy, in that record store whilst holding the Nickelback album he forcefully caught from Shin Hye.

            “The first guy I’ve encountered and talk to here in Seoul. He’s so grumpy and frigid. And irascible. And cold-hearted. And manner-less. And rude. And a jerk! But well, he’s worth remembering because after all, he’s still the first person I’ve talked to here in Seoul. I hope the sadness I saw in his eyes would vanish with Nickelback’s album. Even if I didn’t get what I wanted, I’m still happy for him. :D”

            He smiled with what the caption says. Memories. He perfectly knew that time that it was Shin Hye who first saw the album. But being the self-centered and selfish jerk that he is, he still made his reckless way into getting that repackage album. He really loves that band, and he was willing to do everything then just to get the album. That’s why he didn’t show Shin Hye any concern or care. He was really that insensitive. Thinking how rude he was that time was humiliating. But thinking it again and again is something that he wouldn’t be tired of doing. It was the memory of Shin Hye’s smiling face that’s making that memory worth it. It was their first encounter, the first touch of their hands, their first conversation. It was the moment Shin Hye started to melt the ice he has in his heart.

            His eyes lingered with a photograph of a familiar winter gloves. And the mystery of its familiarity was revealed when he read the caption, and it says:

            “I met the gloomy guy again. He’s a band vocalist. He really has a nice voice. And his performance was really so captivating. It’s like he’s becoming more human when he sings. ‘Coz when he’s not, he’s so frigid. Haha ^__^ No, but really, I think he’s not that bad at all. I think he also has a warm heart inside that cold aura. ‘Coz he took me home when I was lost. :D Well, it took him a lot of persuasion from his band mates, but still, he was persuaded. I was so happy he agreed just right in time before my headache became more severe. Ah, he even let me wear his winter gloves. And yeah, I now know his name. He is Hong Ki. Lee Hong Ki.”

            Then, he saw photographs of her lovely guitar—her first ever guitar. There were also pictures of different places in Seoul, of random people, of his rehearsal studio, of the places he and Shin Hye went to, of the bar where they play regularly, of the ferries wheel… of Suzy, of Jong Hoon, Jae Jin, Seung Hyun, Min Hwan—the whole FT Island. And there were more photographs of him, playing the guitar, singing, standing, sitting, and smiling.

            “It’s really vibrant when Hong Ki smiles. He’s really like a star that shines so bright. And he’s illuminating more every time he smiles. I hope to see more of his smiles. I’m so happy that to-do #10 was accomplished. :)”

            So that last thing listed in her bucket list was meant for him. She made it a mission to make him smile. And he can't help but to smile and cry at the same time with that thought. Shin Hye is such an angel. She came to make him realize a lot of things, to make him face his fears, to make him a better person. She taught him how to smile, how to open himself to the world. And most importantly, she taught him how to love.

            Then, he came across another page of Shin Hye’s journal. He was stunned when he realized what it was. It’s a page that contains Shin Hye’s confessions. There’s a part of him that wants to read everything that’s written in there, but there’s also a part of him who fears that reading those letters and pieces of words would confirm every reality he wanted to deny to himself. But his eyes, it seemed like they have a life of their own. He couldn’t stop it from reading. And every letter, every chunk of words, make him shed another painful tears.

Hong Ki,

        I’m sorry, I lied to you. The truth is; I love you, too. I love you just like the way you love me. And if we are in other situation, I am sure that I will gladly accept your love.  It’s just that… the situation prohibits me to do so.

        I also don’t know either how I fell in love with you. You were that grumpy, irascible, and frigid guy, and yet you made your way into my heart. Maybe it was magic. Maybe, love is magic. Because there are no possible logical answers to clear why people feel these emotions. Well, there are a lot of answers if you ask me how and why did I love you, but I know no answer would ever be enough to be a reason. It’s a feeling I just felt.

        Maybe the main purpose of why met on that record bar that fateful day was because we were meant to fall in love. At least I know what it feels to be in love, how to love, and how to be loved. It’s just that it’s not meant for us to stay together forever. Forever is just a word. That’s reality. And it . But though it and it hurts so much, still, I don’t regret anything. I came here because I wanted to fulfill my dreams, but being with you, and falling for you is more than the fulfillment of my dreams. And though our love story isn't fulfilled, these feelings will stay in my heart. And it will be here until I die.

        Everything we did together, every word you told me, every song we’d shared were enough for me. The moment you told me your sweet confession was the happiest moment I’ll savor until the end of my end of my life. It’s just sad that that happiness that lingered to my system didn’t last long. Pain took place so easily. And I feel so bad for hurting you. If you only knew how painful it was for me… But I did it to make you happy. Because I know that with me, you’ll never be happy. If this pain I feel inside is what I have to feel just so I could assure that you wouldn’t be hurt more severely, I would gladly endure this. Because that’s how much I love you.

            He couldn’t control himself from crying and sobbing hard. He should feel happy and delighted that Shin Hye also loves him. Song birds should be sweetly chirping now. But even the fact that she loves him is something that pains him. It pains him to realize that no matter how much they love each other, they could not be together. Because at the end of her letter, everything’s confirmed.

            I’m sorry if I have to hurt you this way, Hong Ki. But trust me, this is for the better. For if I’ll stay and succumb to these feelings that we both nurtured together, I’ll be only leaving you behind.

        I’m dying, Hong Ki. I have brain tumor, and it’s already a terminal case. As much as I wanted to be with you, and tell you how much I love you, I just can't. Because if I admit my feelings for you, I’ll just be selfish. And I don’t want to be selfish because I don’t want to give you more agony. I don’t want you to see me being slowly eaten up by my disease. I don’t want to see you being pained because you’re seeing my pains. I just can't bear that. And I don’t want to see you waste time on a dying person like me because you have a lot more time than me. And I want you to invest them in more meaningful things, to more worthwhile people who’ll be with you until the end.

        As much as I wanted to stay with you until forever, I just can't. But to know that once in my existence, a guy like you learned how to love me, it’s a memory I’ll forever cherish. It’s something that I’d love to bring to heaven.

        Maybe, you won’t be able to read this letter. Maybe, you won’t be able to find my letter of confession. And maybe, you’ll be totally angry at me for what I did to you. But I’d gladly accept it all. These feelings, I’d carry it with me in my grave.

            It’s a crumbling pain that he feels deep inside. To know that the girl you love reciprocates your feeling, but couldn’t commit herself to you because death is haunting her, is something that drives him nuts. How, why, of all people, this occurrence happened to him and to Shin Hye? Is this some kind of sick joke that’s played on him when he’s already opening himself to the world, when all the ice in his heart had melted? Is the world testing how high his tolerance for pain is? Couldn’t he just be happy? Couldn’t he just love? Why did he fall in love with Shin Hye if she’s not the one for him?

            Too many questions, and yet there are no answers.

“When did you know that she’s… she’s dying?” Hong Ki asked Suzy as he’s staring at her with those piercing orbs.

            He didn’t know what pushed him to Suzy’s house, but he just found himself here. Maybe because he wanted to answer his questions, to give vividness to this dark phase of his life. He wanted to seek comfort, to find refuge, but he doesn’t know where or how to start.

            Suzy let go a deep sigh. She sat at the sofa facing him and stared at her with those sincere eyes. “Last Christmas.”

            Hong Ki felt deceived with what he has heard. Suzy had known Shin Hye’s conditions, but she didn’t even tell him! If things didn’t come into its severity, would she have even the slightest concern to tell him?

            “Last Christmas,” Suzy continued. “…when I told you that Shin Hye unnie needed to attend to something really important that she just vanished that Christmas night, the truth is, she collapsed. I had to bring her to the hospital immediately that time. And that’s when the doctors told me that she has brain cancer. I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you earlier, oppa. I wanted to let you know. I asked Shin Hye unnie to let everyone know. But she said she doesn’t want to make everyone worry. She doesn’t want everyone to treat her odd and extra fair because of her condition. She said she wanted to feel how it is to live normally. She said she wanted to forget about her sickness and just focus on savoring each moment of her life. And so I felt that I’m not in the place to encourage her to tell everyone. It’s her life. So I just respected her decision. I’m sorry. I didn’t know things would end up this way. I’m really really sorry.”

            “But why did you tell me this now?” he asked with a tinge of anger in his voice.

            “Because I think you ought to know,” Suzy replied. “I don’t want you to lose yourself with the thought that Shin Hye left you for nothing; that she didn’t reciprocated your feelings just because she doesn’t love you. I don’t want you to think that Shin Hye unnie just let you fall for her, and then leave you afterwards. I want you to know her real reasons. I want you to know that she loves you more than what you thought. I know it hurts, because a future with her seems so obscure. But I know oppa that you’ve grown so much better now. And amidst the dark, I know you’ll be able to see light with this situation.”

            “But she’ll leave me after all, right? She’ll still leave me. No matter how much we love each other, I’ll still be left alone,” Hong Ki once again broke down into tears. No matter how many times the truth has been cracked into his face, the thought of Shin Hye dying and leaving him still gives him that same intensity of pain.

            Suzy sighed. She felt burdened and pained to see how everything’s crumbling now. If only she could do something… But she knows it’s only Hong Ki and Shin Hye who could do something for themselves, for their love. She can only tell them words. But words are just words. It’s up for them to interpret and make those words into action.

            “Nothing stays forever, oppa. But because nothing’s permanent, you have to devote yourself into something that would give your limited time value. So that when everything comes into its expiration, you have something to keep in you. You have something to treasure. And there would be no room for regrets.”

            Hong Ki stared at her, contemplating the words she just said. His eyes are sparkling with the luminous tears of grief and suffering. And Suzy could feel nothing but tremendous sympathy to her brother. Hong Ki has gone through so much. He has been into terrifying pains and sorrows almost all his life. If she can only share the pain with him, she’d do it. All she wishes for her brother is happiness. That kind of happiness that would be worth all the pain. She knows nothing’s permanent in this world. Even happiness easily fades. But she prays that her brother would have one euphoric moment that would be embedded in his heart until forever. That happiness he’ll rekindle.

            Suzy got up of her place and held two huge bags that contain Shin Hye’s things. Hong Ki gave her that quizzical look.

            “I’d be visiting her at the hospital, and I’d be bringing some things she needed. The doctors said that she has to stay at the hospital for couple of weeks, maybe. They have to monitor her condition,” she informed him. “Would you like to come and see her?”

Shin Hye felt so dizzy. It’s as if everything’s rotating in her head. Her body also aches a lot, like there are sacks of cement threw upon it. She wanted to cry and scream. She wanted to knock her head on something hard. But she can't do it. She just feels weak to do so. It’s as if all her energy has been taken away from her body. The vitality and vigor has left her body drained. And everything hurts. Everything severely hurts.

            She tried to open her eyes, but that also became her struggle. And when she succeeded, everything’s a blurry. She can see nothing vivid. Everything’s like a morph in her eyes. It seems so unreal. But she knows everything has come to its severity now. And what’s worse is everything is true, it’s real.

            She shut her eyes close, and opened it again. And though everything’s rotating and unclear, she waited for her vision to get steady. She let her eyes get accustomed to the light and waited for things to be vivid. Slowly, the rotation has decreased; the morphs have diminished as well.

            Her eyes lingered at a corner where there is an unclear form of a man. And as her eyes get steady little by little, the form of the man becomes clearer in her vision.

            Pain attacked her system when the image got vivid in her eyes. Tears, which a while ago were hard for her to grasp, have now invaded her eyes. She has been avoiding this instance to happen. She doesn’t want him to see her weak and pained. She doesn’t want to see him this drained, this pallid, almost unable to even give a warm smile. But now, she’s staring into his deep brown eyes that manifesting all the pain and question he has inside. And it tears her. It hurts her, more than the physical pain she’s enduring now.

            “Hong… Ki…” even saying his name has become a struggle for her. She didn’t even know where she got the energy to mumble his name.

            Hong Ki just continued staring at her, tearing her more with the kind of gaze he’s giving her. There’s pain in his orbs. There’s anger. There are lots of emotions she sees in his eyes. And it shatters her to see him looking at her this way. She knows he has a lot of questions that demand answers. And she doesn’t know how to answer him. She doesn’t know what to say to him.

            What he’s going to tell her, she has no idea. All she knows is that this will be a painful encounter.

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Hello there :D Sorry for the long wait. But I hope you'll still stay with me until the end. Comments and upvotes are very much appreciated. :)