Chapter 8

“To Make Him Smile”

            Suzy stared at the box wrapped with beautiful scented papers tied with a ribbon, her eyes looking as if they’re going to tear up anytime soon. Loneliness is deeply manifested in the core of her eyes—deep sadness, pain, agony and questions. And she can only sigh deeply, her breath filled with too much heaviness someone would be unable to contain. She’s breathing as if she is trying to cast away all the pain she’s feeling inside. But she knows she just cannot. It’s just too much for her to endure. All this time, what she wanted is to feel the presence of her elder brother. She just wanted to have a good relationship with him.  Is that too much to ask from your own brother?

            She puffed another balloon of air when she exhaled as she settled herself down the floor. Under her bed, she pulled out a huge wooden box decorated in colorful papers sealed with a cute pink ribbon. She slowly opened it, revealing the memories it has inside. That is her ‘memory box’—the box which contained all the things which somehow played a significant part in her life at certain times; the remembrance of the happenings she doesn’t want to forget ever, whether how good or bad they seemed.

            On the right corner of her huge box were the things which made her happy once in her life. There are numerous letters from her suitors before, from her treasured friends, small stuffs and little gifts, sometimes worthless things for the eyes of others but are important for her. On the left side of the box is filled with smaller boxes with different sizes wrapped in different colors of papers. Some were tied with ribbons while some were not. The sad portion of her memory box—boxes wrapped with effort and hope, of wishes and prayers, which are actually presents she hadn’t given to that very person she wanted to give it to. Yes, it is quite odd to keep the things which made her feel sad and disappointed, but a spring of small hope was always there in her heart. She had always felt that there would be that time when he’ll accept all her gifts. But now, as she placed maybe the last gift she has for him, she felt that that hope is slowly vanishing. Maybe, she was only fantasizing that day when her stubborn brother, Hong Ki, would openly accept with a smile those special yet little things she wanted to give him. That would never happen. Hong Ki would never accept her gifts, not anything from her. He would never accept her as his sister.

            Realizing the sorrowful reality she has, she pitied herself. She felt a scratch in her heart. A small scratch that seemed to be slowly tearing her apart. All she wanted is to be at peace with him when she didn’t start a fight at all. Being in a misunderstanding with her friends make her feel sick and disoriented that she couldn’t stay a day with them being angry at her. What more it would be if it was your brother who is mad at you all along when you really don’t know how everything started from the very first place? It was like death for her—death that keeps killing her every time.

           Suzy exhaled another deep breath of air and Shin Hye can feel the heaviness that lies in her deep breathings. Shin Hye is leaning at the door frame of their bedroom, watching Suzy as she moved with such sadness swaying with her. And she couldn’t help but to feel sorry for her. For both of them, actually. Because she knows how each of them is hurting. Hurting in that point where no one could really comprehend but them. She knows she understands but she also knows for a fact that it is something she would not feel for she isn't in their situation.

            Feeling the tense of her stare, Suzy slowly turned to her direction making their eyes lock in that very instant. And she felt heavier as she saw her transparent brown eyes. She and Hong Ki shared that same broken and painful gaze.

            “S-Suzy…” she mumbled softly, breaking the solemnity in Suzy’s solace. But she can only call her name because she doesn’t know what to tell her. She doesn’t know what to advise her anymore or to even cheer for her wounded spirit.

            Suzy didn’t break the eye contact. Her eyes are telling her a lot of things, searching for answers she hopes to find.

            “So you know my oppa all along?” Suzy finally spoke; her voice was soft yet firm. The tone of her voice sounded both like a question and a statement to her.

            She nodded her head. “Yes. Hong Ki is my guitar coach,” she answered. “But I didn’t know that he was the brother you were talking about.”

            Suzy gazed on the floor, letting out a painful smile. “I know. I know,” she nodded slowly. “He would never really talk about his sister.”

            “Suzy…” she called her name softly, wanting to pacify her sadness and self- pitying but she never found the right words to encourage her.

            She saw Suzy lifted up a smaller box with her hand. Then, she smiled bitterly.

            “This was my first ever gift I sent oppa on his birthday. But it was sent back to me,” she said softly. The melodious sound of sadness can be heard on her voice. “Hong Ki oppa refused to accept it. But then, I didn’t stop sending him gifts on his birthday. I regularly send him presents during the 2^nd of March, but none was accepted. All these boxes here are the compilation of gifts he returned to me. I think my gifts , that’s why,” Suzy tried to laugh at her own miserable joke, but when she turned her head to her, her eyes already broke down into tears, welling up her puffy cheeks.

            Her natural instinct to care controlled her body as she moved next to Suzy when she saw her cry. She gently let her in for a hug and squeezed her shoulders to make her feel comforted, though she knows it isn't enough. But that’s the least she can do for her friend now.

            “You can cry Suzy. Cry as long as you want,” she whispered in her ears. “Cry until your tears run dry.”

            Suzy cried painfully in her shoulders. Her loud sobs filled the air, manifesting the heaviness of her heart.

            “I really wish all my tears run dry until not a single drop is left, so I won’t be crying again like this,” Suzy said. “So I won’t be hurting whenever he rejects me again. So I won’t even care if he accepts me as his sister or not!” Suzy faced her. “I did everything already to reach out for him, unnie. And every time he turns me down, I’m hurting. Does he like it when I’m hurting? Is it his happiness when he sees me cry? He’s mean, unnie. Hong Ki oppa is mean!”

            She gently shook her head. “He isn't. He’s just broke,” she told her in her most sincere tone. “People tend to be mean and harsh when they’re hurt. It’s their defense mechanism.”

            She heard Suzy sobbed as she said those words to her. And her hopes that Suzy would comprehend his feelings rose. She knows that Suzy is badly hurting, but she doesn’t want all the pain to be just mere pain and bitterness. She wants their pains to be purposeful and meaningful. And that wouldn’t happen if Suzy won’t hold unto Hong Ki. Because Lee Hong Ki would never cling to anyone. And if no one would stand and hold on for him, he would never be out of his gloomy world. And all the pain will never be healed. Everything would just end up like this. Everything would forever be the same. And pain and sorrow would forever linger in their lives.

            “”Everything will be alright Suzy. Just don’t lose hope and hold unto him. Don’t get tired of your brother. Along everything, family is what he needs,” she told her. “His healing has to start with your family. And if his wounds heal, everything will be healed also.”

            “I don’t know unnie,” Suzy exasperated, sobbing still. “I don’t know anymore.”

            She sighed. She understands it was not easy for Suzy to hold on when she’s been continuously holding on but he’s also been continuously refusing her. Suzy had just met her limit—that point where she can no longer bear the pain she tried to endure.

            “I understand Suzy,” she smiled sympathetically at the younger girl. She softly patted her shoulders. “Go. I think you have to have some rest now. It’s been a long and tiring day.”

            Like an obedient kid, Suzy settled herself on her bed. She comforted herself under her sheets and slowly closed her eyes.

            “Don’t forget to pray, Suzy. Everything will be alright.”

            Soon enough, Suzy had relaxed on her bed. It was not long after when she had turned herself to sleep. Suzy was indeed very tired. She just hopes Suzy finds her peace of mind in her sleep even just for a while.

            She sighed softly before she walked towards the direction of her bed. She settled herself in the comfort of her soft mattress as if that can comfort her from all the emotional roller-coaster she felt with everything that has happened. Many events took place, may emotions burst, and it was like some kind of revelation to her that she felt she was emotionally drained.

            All she knows is that she sad and hurt for the both of them. Because she is in that position where she saw how they both break down with the pain they are enduring. Both of them are suffering to that unimaginable kind of grief and sorrow. And she’s in that point where she doesn’t know what to do so she could help these two people who had already become a part of her life. She’s in that place where she doesn’t know if she can do a thing, and she doesn’t know if she’s in the right position to help and meddle in the first place. But what’s she’s sure about is that she hopes for them to be freed from all the pain and hurt that’s been caging them up.

            Having a final decision in her mind, she grabbed her backpack and pulled out her precious notebook and pen. She scanned its pages and scrolled down to her notes until she found the perfect spot. She stopped on that page where she had written the very essential things she wanted to do in her life, her ‘to- do’ list. On the bottom part of her ‘to-do’ list, she gently the pen to jut down her last thing to accomplish—‘to make him smile.’

            With satisfaction, she put her notebook back in its rightful place. Then, she grabbed her cellphone and dialed Jae Jin’s number.

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Hey guys! I’m back! I’m sorry for not updating for such a long time. Hope you miss this story.

Well, this is a very short chapter, but it was painful like the previous ones. I hope you felt the pain, and I hope I conveyed the feelings correctly.

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