Jongin hates himself.

He hates how he feels so much affection for his best friend even though he knows it's wrong.

He hates how when he holds hands with some girl he imagines Sehuns slender digits wedged between his instead.

He hates how when he actually holds Sehuns hands in his he has to convey platonic affection rather than the adoration and love he feels.

He hates how he has to share Sehun with others when he isn't even Jongins to share.

He absolutely hates how he has to hide his feelings by directing them to someone else. But Jongin can't risk his friendship. Not his friendship with Sehun. He'd rather have Sehun by his side as his friend than not have him at all.

He absolutely hates himself for falling in love, so deeply in love with Sehun.

Jongin kisses Soojung on the cheek before he gets up to leave, causing a chorus of coos at the adorable couple.

"Leaving so soon?"

He turns to look at one of Soojungs friends and replies simply that Sehun gets bratty when he's left to his own devices.

Jongin starts to makes his way to the oak tree in the courtyard, a little anxious. He wasn't joking when he said Sehun gets bratty. When he gets a clear view of Sehuns face he isn't sure if he should be worried or not. Sehun doesn't look mad but he doesn't look happy either. There's a blank expression on his face as he stares at nothing in particular.

Jongin places his hand on Sehuns back to get his attention and apologizes for skipping out on lunch with him. He thinks he imagines it but he had felt Sehun tense slightly after his apology but Sehun just looks up at him with his usual bored expression and fires an insult.

It's Saturday afternoon and Jongin's supposed to be at Sehuns playing hours of video games and watching stupid movies but instead he's waiting outside of Soojungs house after inviting her to spend the day with him.

He had just hung up the phone after his call to Sehun to cancel their afternoon and he feels like . Jongin hadn't missed the strain in Sehuns voice as he replied. It was the third time he left Sehun hanging and bailed last minute to spend time with Soojung. It's not that he doesn't want to spend time with Sehun. He'd love to spend every second of his life with the pale boy but he had come so close to coming undone a few weeks ago.

They were having their usual movie marathon when Sehun had fallen asleep halfway through their third movie. Unconsciously his head made its way onto Jongins lap as a makeshift pillow causing the conscious boy to blush furiously. Sehun being the clingy koala when asleep wrapped his arms around Jongins waist and nuzzled his face into the older boys thigh. Everything around Jongin seemed to fade out as he focused on the soft puffs of air escaping Sehuns thin lips. He wonders what it would feel like to kiss those pink and he wants to find out then and there but he holds back. Kissing him like this without permission is wrong. Instead, his eyes carefully map out the delicate features on Sehuns face from his long lashes to the tiny scar on his face. He just marvels at Sehun for what seems like hours before the younger boy starts to stir. With a whiny groan, Sehun opens his eyes and is greeted by a furiously blushing Jongin.

Jongin just laughs it off and ushers Sehun to get them some food, trying to rid his face of the red tint.

When Soojung comes out from her house Jongin plasters on a smile and reaches out for her hand. He hadn't expected his relationship with Soojung to last this long but unlike the other girls he previously dated she was someone that he was comfortable with. It made it easier to spend time with her however at the same time it made Jongin feel guilty for using someone like Soojung whose feelings are genuine.

But Sehun's just too tempting with his toothy grin and crescent eyes that Jongin needs something to distract him.

Jongin understands when he sees Zitao and Kyungsoo under the oak tree with Sehun because Jongin really has been a friend. However it doesn't stop his heart from clenching when he sees Sehun gives Kyungsoo a grin paired with a high five. The distance that Jongin had been creating was beginning to take its toll and he doesn't know how to deal with it.

The past few weeks had been spent without Sehun and Jongin may or may not be losing his mind. He wants to approach the younger boy and just hang out like before but the other boy’s obvious absence could mean that he isn’t particularly happy with Jongin at the moment.

"What's wrong Jongin? You've been pretty quite for the past few days."

Jongin racks his brain for a reply to Soojungs question but he comes up with noting.

"It's nothing really, it's just my.. grades." Jongin nods his head in confirmation, "Yeah, just my grades."

Soojung grips his hands tightly in hers and presses a kiss to Jongins temple before telling him that it'll be alright. Jongin responds with a nod and a weak smile.

"Well if you're up for it, Zitao invited me to a party at his boyfriends house. Do you wanna go?"

Jongin thinks about it and really the answer should be no because he has to fix this dilemma with Sehun but instead he replies with a nod.

Jongin just wanted to visit the corner store for some snacks when he bumps into someone.

"Oh, hey Jongin."

"Hey..Sehun."

"Hungry huh?" Sehun eyes the pile of junk food in Jongins cart before he looks up at the older boy with a small smile and a hint of something Jongin can't quite recognize.

Jongin holds Sehuns gaze for a little while, just mapping out the expanse of the younger boys milky complexion before looking down and replying.

"Yeah, just some late night studying."

"Well, you should get back to studying. You don't want to a C- in history again."

Jongin nods stiffly and turns to leave. Then something possesses him to turn around, shocking Sehun who was just about the leave.

"There's a party.. This Saturday, do you wanna come?"

Sehun gives Jongin an inquisitive look before asking, "Are you bringing Soojung?"

Jongin laughs nervously; the slightly cold tone Sehun uses making him anxious.

"Of course I'm bringing her. She's my girlfriend."

Almost instantly the curious look in Sehuns eyes changes, something akin to resentment in his eyes. But as quickly as it came it had disappeared, the small smile returning.

"Actually, I was already planning on going. Zitao had invited me a while ago. I guess I'll just see you there, I wouldn't want to take you away from Soojung."

There's this knot in Jongins stomach making him feel queasy and uncomfortable but the constriction that he feels in his lungs as he watches Sehun walk away makes his knees weak.

"Maybe this was a bad idea, let's just go home Soojung."

"Oh c'mon Jongin, we're all dressed up and already here. We might as well enjoy the company of others."

Jongin reluctantly agrees and follows Soojung as she grips his wrist and pulls him towards the large house on the end of the block. From this distance Jongin can already hear the loud music and see the lights around the house. He's not anticipating the ear shattering volume of the music and spilled drinks all over the floor.

Maybe he should've said no to Soojung.

Maybe he should have apologized to Sehun for being the worlds worst friend.

Maybe he should have told Sehun that he was in love with him.

Then maybe he wouldn't be here with a girl he doesn't love.

Maybe he'd have Sehuns slender fingers wrapped around his wrist instead.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Only maybes.

Jongin was right, the music is ear shattering and the floor is sticky with drinks. Soojung hands him a red cup and leads him a large leather couch. He's already bored as Soojung strikes conversation with the girl beside her so Jongin looks around the house, simply observing.

He notices that the house is pretty damn nice. High ceilings and expensive looking furniture stylishly organized in the right places. His eyes scan the crowd of people but he does a double take when he sees Sehun.

The younger boy is leaning against the wall as a boy in similar height has his hands on Sehuns bony waist, rubbing circles as Sehun smiles mischievously at him. The other boy laughs as he leans into Sehun neck to what looks like to say something but when he pulls away Jongin sees a glimmering red spot on the younger boys neck and Jongin feels like he's on fire. He watches as Sehun wraps his thin arms around the nameless boys neck before he closes his eyes to kiss him with a smile. Jongin can distinctly hear something break over the ear splitting music.

He abruptly gets up then, shocking Soojung.

"Jongin, what's wr-"

"I'm leaving, you can stay if you want but I'm leaving."

Before waiting for Soojung to answer he starts making his way towards the exit. When he's finally out where the music isn't shattering his ears he can feel his lungs tightening and tightening some more and it's getting harder and harder to breath.

He's too busy trying to bring back oxygen in his lungs to hear someone running after him. But it's not the person he wants so he doesn't care and keeps waking.

//

so yeah i wanted to write a second part to this and i don't know why i have angsty sekai when i hate angsty sekai because my otp ;~;
but i feel like it had to be done 
idk whether i should make another part because i can't stand these stupid unfinished endings so idk why i'm being stupid
and c'mon my otp i can't do this to them ;~;

anyway comments are appreciated (i should start replying to you guys lol)

@kitten83 i know i'm getting bored with hunhan too actually ;~; btw i think you asked for chanhun and kyunghun which i might write if inspiration srikes thanks for commenting and reading <333