I think I’ve caught flies in my mouth. I know Aunty told me to go back to practice, but I couldn’t help but eavesdrop into their conversation. Now I’m wishing I didn’t.

Watching Zi Ying half-shout at Aunty was something I wasn’t used to seeing – she was always the gentler and calmer one, yet this time she just exploded in front of her brother and mother. Even I was too shocked to even comprehend what went on.

… But the words that came out of … My abrupt departure caused her to have depression? Was there a reason why they moved to Korea? Was it because of me?

I can’t do this anymore. The guilt is paralysing me and I don’t think I can take a step further without it eating me alive. I don’t stop to think when I walk towards Tao and Aunty and land on my knees in front of them.

“Wu Fan, what do you think you’re doing?!!” Aunty half-gasps and shrills at my sudden choice of action. “Get up, there are people watching!”

   I bow my head even further and crouch down even lower. At this rate I’m going, I’m actually going to kiss the ground.

“I’m sorry.” I say with as much honesty and sincerity as I can give. I’m crying and lost because this is also causing me pain – I don’t want to see the girl I love walk away from me. I finally understand how it must’ve been like for her.

I’m such a selfish bastard.

“I’m sorry!” I repeat myself, letting the tears fall. I’m shouting in their faces because I don’t know how else to say it. I was never taught anything like this in my life. “I didn’t mean to hurt you all – you guys mean the world to me and I didn’t want to be a burden anymore… I’m sorry. I thought I did the family a favour when I left – you didn’t need to keep looking out for me, or keep up with the social services. I’m not even your son!”

A pair of arms wraps themselves around my shoulders. It’s Tao – I’m shocked to the point where I can’t continue what I want to say. He’s crying too. His shoulders are shaking softly against mine.

“Stop it dude, you were never a burden,” his voice is muffled against my shoulder and he’s slamming his fist on my back, but I don’t care. He’s talking to me again! I’m a little happier because of that. The close contact makes me reminisce of the times we used to hang out in China.

“Get up, the both of you – onlookers are staring now. Let’s head back in,” Aunty tells us, before pushing us back into the building. As we do so, Tao gives me a small but weak smile as he dries his eyes.

“Wu Fan, look at me,” Aunty tells me sternly. “I cannot believe you thought you were a burden. If you were, we would’ve never taken care of you. What made you think that we didn’t want to take care of you? I found you by the streets, son. I knew the moment you held my hand that I wanted you to be a part of my family as much as you needed one,”

I feel the tears threatening to fall out again.

“Sure – we were tight on finance, but our love for you is boundless. You may not be from my womb, but you mean just as much,” Aunty says, cupping my face in her hand. I lean into her warm touch and let the tears fall.

I feel so bad it hurts my heart. Maybe I do deserve a worse punishment than what I’m feeling now – all this time I thought I was being a burden, just because I overhead Aunty and Uncle arguing over monetary problems.

The past few hours have been something that I cannot explain in great detail, but one thing was for sure – Tao and I have definitely patched things up. Aunty left us to talk and we spoke until our jaws fell off.

It was good catching up. And it was better when we laughed together.

“I guess the only person you have to talk to us jie, right?” Tao Zi mentions, before taking a sip of is diet coke. “She still misses you, you know. It took her a long time to get over you.”

I sigh. I don’t know how she’ll forgive me. It’s not like I can kneel before her like I did with Aunty and Tao and expect her to have the same reaction. Zi Ying’s not like that. I sigh.

“You’ve seen how she is with me though… She practically runs away when she hears my name,” I say, causing Tao to smile and shake his head. “What?” I ask, confused.

“She’s running away because she’s scared you’ll hurt her again,” Tao replies. “I know some part of her pain because I went through with it as well, but I think she suffered more than I did.”

I groan and rub my face. This wasn’t the reply I was expecting.