I’m trying to control my breathing in the confines of my room. At least in here I don’t have to hold my breath every time I feel an intense gaze, or any move he makes. As long as I am in here, my door and the four walls around me are protecting me from what’s outside.

Sometimes I don’t even think it’s a panic attack that’s looming. It’s just my mind telling me that I’m not ready to be facing that dark period in my past. I exhale deeply and sigh. It’s been a hellish month or so for both Tao and I.

Tao comes into the room and lets me know that they’re leaving. I give him a big hug goodbye and tell him to take his lunch that I prepared for him. He thanks me and closes my door tightly. I know he’s trying to protect me from him.

A few minutes later, I hear a scratching sound of some sort and realise that a note had just made its way under my door. I wait until the front door closes before I make my way over.

It’s a small, neatly folded note. I can tell it’s been scrunched up before, but flattened out to look decently straight.

I’m sorry.

55669993 – Please let me have the chance to apologize in person.

-          Lunch*

 I drop the piece of paper from my hands and step away from it. It’s like touching hot coals all over again. Just like the first time he held my arm, I cannot bear to be near it. I’m not ready for this. I don’t think I can ever be.

Lunch – he had called himself the nickname I gave to him back when I first knew him. He hated it at first, so I stopped using it, but when I did, he insisted on me calling him that or else he’d stop tutoring me. It was confusing, but somehow the nickname stuck.

I head back to my bed and sit in the small dent I had created earlier. Its warmth keeps me calm and somewhat collected. I need to talk to someone about this – I don’t think I can bottle in my emotions any longer.

I had once contemplated seeing a shrink, but I figured that they wouldn’t help me much. It was like pouring my heart and soul into a bucket and leaving it to mull. I had learnt to deal with it before, I could do it again.

I knew that this would take a while for me to adjust – I gave up thinking and dialled my mother’s number.

“Hello?” her familiar voice brought me back to reality. I miss the sound of her voice; and I think it must’ve been the influx of vulnerability these past few weeks that left me sensitive to my emotions. I was forcing myself not to cry – I’m rarely suffering from homesickness, but somehow I miss home terribly.

“Hey Mom,” I croak out, feeling my throat constrict. Breathe, Zi Ying, breathe. “How are you?”

I can sense her shock. I hardly call home.

“O-oh I’m good! How are you, sweetheart? What’s wrong?” she asks, knowing full well that even though we’re separated by a bed of water, she can still see right through me.

This time I don’t hold back and I let the tears flow. I can hear Mom asking me questions that I can’t quite answer yet. I’m all over the place when I manage to control my crying fit.

“Honey, what’s wrong? Tell me now, I’m going to have a heart attack if you keep me hanging,” she half-screams, half-shouts over the phone. Thank god she’s by herself at home. If Dad were there I think he’d already have one.

“I’ve seen him, he’s back,” I whisper, letting out a shaky breath. “Tao’s going to debut with him.”

Mom’s silent on the other line and all I can hear is her deep breathing. It was odd, but her breathing calmed me down considerably. I manage to stop the tears from falling, and the mucus from dripping out of my face.

“He’s what…?” Mom asks again, unable to comprehend what I just said to her. I think she’s just as shocked as I am, if not, worse. “You’ve seen him? Is he doing all right? Is he healthy?”

“Mom – I can’t look at him… I mean, not after what happened,” I say, frowning. If anything, I thought she’d be as angry as I am right now. After all, she did have to go through what I did – and yet here she was, asking if he was all right. I mean, really? What about: “how the hell did he run away? Why did he run away when he had such a good thing happening to him?”

“Oh Zi Ying – it’s been so long now. Don’t you care about his wellbeing too? I thought that Wu Fan and you were close!” Mom replied.

“Well, I don’t care about someone who decides to leave without telling me.” I answer back with force, hoping that my indignant tone would get through the phone line.

“Don’t say that, Ying. Deep down you know you still care for him. If not, why would you be calling now? Has he said anything to you yet?”

I hate it how she’s always right all the time. I feel like punching my head now.

“He left me his phone number and told me he wants to personally say sorry or something along those lines. I don’t know.” I mumble, shooting eye lasers at the note on the ground.

“That’s good then! Contact him and talk through your problems – it’ll do you well, sweetie. Anyways I have to go now; I’m making some rice dumplings for the orphanage. Let Tao know that I’ll be arriving on the 2^nd! Love you two, bye!”

The phone dial greets me before I can even send my regards to my Dad. I shake my head and stare at the note before realizing my mother mentioned something really important.

“Oh !” I say to myself, grappling on the calendar on my desk. She’s arriving on the 2^nd, which is in 4 days! “!” I say again, dialling Tao’s number. Hopefully he’ll still be on his way to the company.

“喂**?” Tao’s voice responds to my phone call. “Jie, why are you calling me?”

“I’m so sorry Tao – I forgot to tell you that Mom’s arriving on the 2^nd.” I mention, to which Tao gasps in reply. “I know, it totally slipped my mind until she reminded me. I was on the phone with her before.”

I can hear Tao speaking broken Korean to his manager asking if there was any schedule on the 2^nd. I can’t hear the manager’s answer, so I wait for Tao to get back on the phone. Whilst doing so, I pick the note up and fling it on my desk quickly. I’ll deal with that later.

“Thank god – I only have Wushu practice in the morning, but I should be able to make it for dinner,” Tao tells me, to which I understand. Mom’s arrival was something we weren’t expecting. She hardly made plans to visit us. Throughout the duration that Tao and I have been in Korea, our parents have only visited twice.

“I’m not sure if Dad’s coming though, so just be prepared,” I state, before saying good bye to him and hanging up.

The week before the 2^nd of April rolled by really fast. My rap sequences for the 5 songs in the mini-album were finally remastered and added into the tracks and my dancing had improved immensely. It’s a wonder what a week can do for you.

Tao still keeps his guard around me, although he has gotten used to my presence. I mean, he can’t help it – he has to. We’d be living together in a dorm once we head to China for promotions and he’d have to see my face every single day. If this was going to keep up, I don’t think how long he’d (or even I) would last.

“Hyung, I’ll be taking my leave now,” Tao mentions to one of our managers and picks his bag up from the ground.

“Wait Tao!” manager hyung shouts from across the practice room. Everyone, including me, looks up at the two of them. Kyung Soo’s eyes are as big as saucers. “Leave with Kris – he needs to run some errands for the dorm as punishment.”

I squeeze my eyes and groan at the realisation. I totally forgot that I had lost during that stupid round of Pictionary.

When I reopen my eyes, I see Tao’s nonchalant face beside mine.

“Hurry up – I have an important appointment I can’t miss,” he deadpans in my face and walks off. I hurriedly grab my bag and follow him. I’m mentally kicking myself – since when did I follow people? If I can remember correctly, Tao used to follow me all the freaking time. Look how the tables have turned – this is getting ridiculous. I have to be timid and cautious around Tao all the time. It’s getting frustrating.

And I know I shouldn’t be complaining, but I feel really, really suffocated. Here is Tao, acting like he doesn’t want to be around me – which I totally understand – but I have other members urging me to get close to him so we can pick up the pieces and sort things out once and for all. I’m trying my very best, but it’s annoying when each step I take, he moves one step back.

I don’t know how long I can continue doing this.

The elevator doors close on us, creating a very awkward atmosphere in the confined space. Usually we’d have Lu Han and Se Hun or Chan Yeol and Kyung Soo with us, so it wasn’t that bad, but this time… I could have sneezed and it would’ve made things better than what it was now.

A/N: Sorry double update again today!!

*Wu Fan = 吴凡 - which is how Kris' Chinese name is written, or 午饭 - which means lunch. Zi Ying and Kris' inside joke is that Kris' nickname is Wu Fan, which means lunch.

**喂 = basically means hello in Chinese. It's pronounced as, 'wei?'