Story Link: What Have I Done?

Author Link: UKiss_Shin_Soohyun

It gives off this angsty feel. However, it doesn’t really catch my attention. I’ve seen plenty of stories like this on AFF.

Foreword & Description: (5/10) – Did it grab attention? Was it disorganized? Too long? Too short? –

Your description was okay. It was a bit clichéd, and I felt you gave away a bit too much of the story. Having questions in your description is a nice touch and can easily gain the reader’s attention, but sometimes questions are unnecessary. In this case, I think your description could do without the questions. You had one mistake in our description, though.

Original: What's happens when his parents and saeng get involved?

Suggestion: What will happen when his parents and saeng get involved?

Your only problem was how you worded the sentence. Be careful when you write your chapters, and always, always make sure you reread your chapters–or in this case, description–several times to make sure you found all of your mistakes.

Unfortunately, you did not have a foreword. These are important. If the description doesn’t catch the reader’s attention, they would look for the foreword to see if the story is worth reading.

Poster, Background, Trailer, Appearance: (1/5) – Is there too much going on? Too distracting? Does it blow me away? –

I’m sorry, but I really don’t like the poster. It’s a bit sloppy looking, and the picture quality of some of the characters is kind of bad. I also don’t like how the title is positioned on the poster, and how the question mark is in the middle of it, making it seem that the title of the story at first is ‘What Done?’

It’s unnecessary to have the text in different color when the characters are talking to each other through their minds. They are still having a conversation with each other, so either write it like they were talking normally or treat it like you would normally write character’s thoughts.

Also, never ever put pictures in your story. Just describe what it looks like. If you have to put in a picture to better help explain what something looks like then just post it in the author’s note.

Chapter titles: (5/5) – Did they have anything to do with the chapter? Or did you put random words up there? ** Chapter 1, Chapter 2, etc, do not count as chapter titles. –

Full points since you had chapter titles, and they were related to the chapter.

Spelling & Grammar: (20/35) – Do you have good knowledge of tenses and general, simple English rules? Or do you make the same mistakes over and over again? –

You have a lot of grammatical mistakes, mainly commas.

Original: But it was ten minutes past midnight so I began to worry.

Suggestion: But it was ten minutes past midnight, so I began to worry.

You have to place a comma after a coordinating conjunction when the following clause after said conjunction is independent.

Original: "N-No w-way" I thought as I felt my world crash into dust when I saw Seungho, my childhood friend, holding hands with my soon to be husband.

Suggestion: "N-No w-way," I thought as I felt my world crash into dust when I saw Seungho, my childhood friend, holding hands with my soon to be husband.

If you’re not ending a quote with an exclamation mark or a question mark, then there needs to be a comma there.

Original: I cut Joon off by throwing our promise at him, hitting him in his eye.

I’m a bit confused about this sentence. You stated that he threw his promise at Joon. How do you throw a promise? Did you mean promise ring or something like that? But Thunder already threw his ring at Joon when he first discovered Joon and Seungho together.

You really need to work on your commas and tenses. You should really take the time to go back to your previous chapters and reedit and fix your grammar.

Plot: (5/10) – Is it easy to follow? Or too complicated and weird? –

Your plot line is a bit confusing and all over the place. I’m very confused about the timeline of this story as well as the past for the characters. A lot of the things you mentioned for the character’s past in the most recent chapter highly contradict the information from what you stated in the early chapters.

Originality: (8/10) – Is this your own creation, or is it something that is used a billion times over? Did you make an overused plot your own, or did you follow a cookie cutter outline? –

Vampire stories are nowhere near original. Same thing goes for werewolf stories. Vampires and werewolves together in one story? I feel like I’m reading “Twilight.” Besides those two big elements in your story, I can definitely say the rest is original.

Character Development: (5/10) – Too much, or too little? Can I recognize with your character's situation? Am I rooting for some, and wishing others would just die? –

Original: My kitten ears perked up when he called me by my nickname.

I’m a little confused by this sentence. Does Thunder have cat ears? When did he change into a cat?

In chapter five, you finally stated that Thunder was a cat and a human. You cannot just throw this out there. You have to describe and explain situations like that. Up until now, all the main characters are Vampires/werewolves. That leaves the readers to assume that Thunder was a vampire as well since you didn’t state it otherwise. You should’ve stated in the very beginning that Thunder was half-cat and half-human while the rest of his family was vampires.

Anyway, I have absolutely no clue what any of the characters look like. This is one of the most important factors when it comes to writing a story. You need to describe and explain what the main characters look like. It’ll help the readers paint a picture of what’s going on in their head. You don’t have to go all out on describing every little detail, but it would be nice to know what they generally look like. The same thing goes for the setting. They’re just as important as the characters.

Flow: (5/10) – How's your pace? Too fast, too slow? Just right? –

At the end of chapter one, Gikwang came running to the scene with a bucket of hot water and his babe Joonie. But in the next chapter, there is no bucket or Joonie. You got to watch out for little inconsistencies like this. You can easily confuse the readers. Make sure to always reread the previous chapter before writing a new one so you can make sure everything makes sense.

Another inconsistency is that in the beginning you stated that Gikwang was Thunder’s older brother, but Gikwang keeps referring to the latter as ‘Hyung.’ Hyung is a term boys use for another boy who is older than them. Thunder should be calling Gikwang hyung.

In chapter nine, Seungho tells Joon that Thunder is pregnant with his child and that he tried to commit suicide. What I’m confused about is that fact that why was Joon surprise by this information. Thunder told him that he was pregnant with his child in the very first chapter. Plus, Joon tried to visit Thunder while he was in the hospital.

Watch out for plot holes because those are enough to completely throw off a reader and confuse them to no end. And let’s just say I found quite a few plot holes in this story.

Your chapters overall are a bit choppy in my opinion, and the flow is pretty fast.

Total Before Bonuses: (57/100)

BONUS!!! – Things that are just the reviewer's personal preference. –

Writing Style: (-/5) – Is it one that is beautiful, or just plain confusing? –

It was okay. It didn’t really stand out to me.

Enjoyment: (2/5) – How much did I really enjoy the story? –

It was just okay. I liked the relationship between Hunhan. I rarely find a story where Sehun bottoms in the Hunhan pairing.

Anticipation: (-/5) – Did you leave me wanting to read on and on? Or was I counting down the chapters until I was done? Did I want to subscribe to see what happens next? –

I don’t really like the Joondoong pairing. I’m actually not really big on MBLAQ pairings in the first place. Like I said, I did like Hunhan, but unfortunately, this story didn’t really grab my attention and enjoyment enough for me to anticipate more.

Total After Bonuses: (59/115)

Reviewed by: Kakurine039