Just as I predicted, you grew distant or was it me; nothing changed, nothing drastic. You were still the same puppy eyed dinosaur that I so helplessly feel in love with and I was still the same me that couldn’t let go and move on, yet somehow, space was created between us, I don’t know if it was you or me that wanted it.

You asked me to promise you, to come every time you perform in the café to act as your ‘Lucky Charm’ as you called it. I smiled at how clingy you always were. And all I could was nod as a response, stupidly thinking that nothing would change between us, plus I’ve already been immune to the pain of seeing girls flock over you at school. Oh, how I thought wrong.

The second time, I came in to support you, I couldn’t be late as the night before you stayed over saying- “Key I’m sleeping over okay, I don’t want you being late tomorrow, so I’ll be your personal alarm clock ”. Hence why we came in on time that day, you with the bright toothy grin and me still half as sleep leaning in your shoulder with my arm wrapped around loosely in one of yours.

But, reality soon kicked in as the minute we, well you fully stepped into the café, you were mobbed by the many fan girls that you easily accumulated within your first day and with that, the loose hand that was place around yours become looser and looser until finally our bond snapped as you were helplessly taken away to the stage.

You turned your head around, left to right trying to look for me; small smile tugged my lips at the sight. You mouthed ‘Key?’ knowing full well that there was no point as your voice will only be eaten by the wild frenzy around you. All I did was mouthed back “I’m fine” before gesturing you to turn around with my hands.

That’s all I could always do, say that I was ‘fine’; what else could I say- “Get back here and stick right next to me because I don’t want them anywhere near you”. Oh I wish, I could be as brave as that but I’ll probably only receive a disgusted glare from you as well as the ‘sayonara’ to our friendship. I couldn’t and will never let that happen, so I’ll take the pain by pretending to be… okay.

The third and fourth time were just like the second, it was like an unbreakable routine; us coming and laughing together until we step inside the café, you getting bombarded with papers and tissues with phone numbers and addresses and then there would be us meeting eyes for a split second all we need to have a simple conversation of- ‘Key, I’m sorry’ and ‘Oh, no it’s alright, I’ll be fine’. Like I’ve said before, I would somehow with time grow immune to the pain but it doesn’t mean that thought of you possible liking any of these beautiful girls does not terrify and scare me. I’ve always found myself living on the edge of life since I met you and it became worse as I feel as if I hang on a very thin thread ever since I admitted that I love you.

So when one night when you decided to stay over and you told me about how umma Kim is coming back tomorrow for a 3 week vacation after her countless business trips, I was so delighted and overjoyed; finally someone who can understand my pain.

And during that same night you asked the simplest yet heartbreaking question.

“Key, are you okay?” You said with concern as looked me in the eye after I handed you a mug of hot chocolate.

It was so simple, the answer to that question- ‘No, I’m not okay, Jjong, I’m in pain’. But life, my life can’t be the simple, so I lie and say ‘I’m fine’. What hurt me the most was the fact that you needed to ask such a question, by now after four years shouldn’t you at least have picked up, that no I wasn’t okay, how can I blame you it was never your duty to know I was okay or not.

“I’m fine, Jjong why wouldn’t I be?”I said as calmly as I could. ‘Keep the tears in Kibum wait until tomorrow when you’re with Umma Kim, then you can let them tears go as much as you want’ I told myself.

“Umm…n-nothing I just- It just seems that y-you’ve become more dista- actually forget it, I’m probably just over thinking things.” You said scratching your neck as you regain your composure after stuttering. So you’ve notice that, yes indeed I’ve become more distant, I can’t help it Jjong I need to save me from at least some of the pain.

I grabbed my iPod from my bag before sitting back down in my bed where you all sat very comfortably, “Here, put this on; you’ve been thinking too much these days” I said to you before handing you one piece of the headphone.

You smiled before saying, “I love how you know me so well, Key”.

And all I did was give you a warm smile as a response while I tucked myself under the warm covers, which you followed afterwards.

“I’m not your best friend for nothing, Jjong”

After we settled ourselves down under the warm comfort of the duvet, I pressed play, waiting for whatever song my iPod had in store and like faith it played the song that I’ve been currently loving as it summarise exactly how I feel, maybe by listening to it Jjong you could finally realise how I’m hopelessly in love with you. I closed my eyes, to let myself be completely immersed in the song, as the piano chords of the song began to play.

 Being so lost in the music, I began to hum along with the song until lyrics accompanied by my own voice echoed in the room.

“I pray for all your love,

Boy Girl our love is so unreal,

I just wanna reach and touch you, squeeze you, somebody pinch me.

 This is something like a movie,

And I don't know how it ends girl boy,

But I fell in love with my best friend”

And by the time my brain could even process what I just so carelessly blurted out, I couldn’t help but just not be bothered anymore. Please Jjong; be smart enough to know that I changed the lyrics to suit you, to suit us.

“Through all the dudes that came by,

And all the nights that you'd cry.

Girl, I was there right by your side.

How could I tell you I loved you?

When you were so happy with some other guy”

I continued to sing; only singing parts where I hope to convey all my locked up emotions into the lyrics to you.

“Now I realize you were the only one,

It's never too late to show it.

Grow old together,

Have feelings we had before

When we were so innocent”

I couldn’t believe how in singing this song so much unwanted burden seemed to be lifted off my chest.

“And I don't wanna ruin what we have

Love is so unpredictable.

But it's the risk that I'm taking,

Hoping, praying,

You’d fall in love with your best friend”

Singing the second half of the second verse, I knew I had to put all my emotions; it held every single thing I wanted to do or say to you; I’m sacred but I willing to take a chance because I feel in love with you. After that I calmed down and began to hum with the song once again. I’ve done it Jjong, I told how I felt, and it’s up to you to find out, if you can piece the entire puzzle together. I slowly open my eyes to be only left surprised as I was faced with a shocked expression both eyes and mouth wide open.

“Y-you… never t-told me you could sing” You said stuttering, mind probably still trying to recover from the obvious state of shock.

I blush at the supposed compliment; however, I regained my composure quickly as I said with a simple shrug, “Well, you never asked, so I never had to tell”

“B-but, your amazing Key, that was… just, wow” You complimented yet again face now being caressed with the expression of delight.

“Thanks, Jjong. I never really thought highly of my singing… but that song… just got to me; like it was meant for me, for us, so I guess I just got lost in the beauty of the music” I said to him, trying to make it as obvious and blunt as possible without hopefully spelling it out loud that the song was meant for him.

And like I so unfortunately expected, he would look nothing off what I said and what it could possible mean because all he did was praise me again; tell me how wonderful it would be if we could sing together, don’t get me wrong I love the praises but can’t you wake up sometimes and get the things people are trying to so clearly show you. Can’t you see how much doing that took allot of courage from me? I don’t need your praises, Jjong I need you to ing understand.

“Jjong, do you even get what, I’m trying to s-” I tried to say before complete stopping, save yourself the humiliation Kibum. He needs to at least find out for himself.

“Huh? Key, what were you saying sorry, I wasn’t paying attention” You said while you took of your piece of headphone that was still connected to you.

“No, its okay forget it; wasn’t important” I said before sighing.

You propped yourself up with the help of your elbows, “Hey, Key I know you probably have better things to do tomorrow and… yeah but can you please…please come over to the café tomorrow, it’ll be the last time, I promise”, you said before letting yourself slid back down to the bed again to be engulfed by the surrounding pillows.

That café, as comfortable and welcoming it was, became my personal hell. After the fifth time you asked me to come over… I just couldn’t take it anymore; I walked out shortly after you were once again engulfed into the huge pact of girls that was already waiting like wild rabid animals waiting for their prey, not even bothering to say why.

You twisted and turned to get to me, you cried out my name but I didn’t dare to turn around, I’ll probably lose it more than I already have, I didn’t want to make a scene especially one where I would end up humiliating myself.

After that little incident, we did not talk about mostly because I didn’t want to; as soon as you finished performing you came knocking straight into my door asking why I left so suddenly, for not even bothering to turn around when you yelled and cried my name. All I did, to answer your question was by staring at you blankly  while eyes still puffed, sore and red from the tears.

Every time you asked me to come and see you, I would already have an excuse made up just to free myself from coming and somehow with time I think you realises how I no longer want to come and  you also  understood and stopped asking and with that the time we spent together also lessened, night I spent crying magically increased.

“I… uh-hh have something… going o-”I tried to answer before being interrupted.

“Please, Key” You pleaded, with sad desperate eyes.

“O-okay, I’ll come” I said finally. ‘This will be the last time, just cope with it Key’ I assured myself.

And with that we fell asleep, letting the music bring us to a deep sleep.

I woke up as the light from the window started to blind me, blushing a deep shade of red as a realized that one of you arms where firmly secured around my waist, I squirmed a little bit making your grip tighten around, I can mentally picture myself looking like a tomatoes’ identical twin.

We stayed like that for at least a good 10 minutes before you started to squirm, I didn’t know what to do so I just closed my eyes and pretend to sleep. You gaze was so strong, I can almost feel it as you turned you head, probably to get a better look of me. Right after that action, you once again tightened your iron grip around me, inhaling me scent before gradually letting go.

“I wasn’t born yesterday, Kibum, now get up and get your ready” You said all too knowingly, before playfully slapping my .

I literally jumped as the impact of your warm hand and my clothed surprised me, “Yah, Kim Jonghyun, don’t you ever slapped my again” I said annoyed.

“For the first time you didn’t deny being awake while I spooned you” You said with a cheeky grin before entering the bathroom.

“ you, Jjong” I yelled back at the walking figure before placing both my hands in my cheeks, ‘Gosh they’re so hot, I must of looked worst than a tomato.’ I thought while rubbing my cheeks hopefully getting them into their normal colour, before getting up to use the other bathroom.

After getting changed and having breakfast; pancakes of course, we started to get ready to go to the café; silence can never stay in our friendship it just wasn’t us so I decided to break it by staring a conversation.

“What’s the so important thing that’s happening today, that it needed me to be there?” I asked playfully although it was obvious that I was also very curious.

You only gave me a nonchalant shrug before calmly saying, “You just need to be there, Kibum”

And with that I was left confused.

“Now stop asking questions, let’s go already” He stated while pulling me by the hand, good I caught the door before he could pull me completely.

“At least let me shut the door, I don’t want to be burgled” I retorted while shutting the door.

“Yeah, yeah” You said and with that I was pulled down the hall and into your sleek black Mercedes.

Once we got to the parking lot, you said the most bizarre and confusing thing as you took my hand and said, “Maybe by the end of today, you can tell me what’s wrong.” With that you let go of my hand and got out of the car, walking to the café, while I was left discomposed and confused.

‘Now, somebody seriously need to tell me what’s going on’ I thought a loud while I picked up bag and getting out of the car.

Once I reached the entrance, already a huge swarm of girls plagued the front of the stage where you were already standing casually with a microphone at hand, however I did not miss the look of worry in your eyes as they fixated at me; I sat near the door as it was the only place that has still yet to be occupied by your on growing fans.

“Are you…” You mouthed while putting you thumbs up and I only responded by giving you a small smile and nodding. ‘I’ll try to be okay, Jjong’

And with that you stood at the centre of the stage, you had your head hung low while you coughed, hand instantly flying at the back of your neck awkwardly, before saying, “Okay, usually when I perform, I don’t really do this kind of thing but, I need to get this off my chest…”, the squeals and giggles of the girls irked me but… … I couldn’t really criticise them, because here I am blushing like an idiot at how shy and bothered you suddenly became.

“I have this really important person…”And with that his gaze immediately fell on me.

“…and right now this person is hurting and in pain…” My breath hitched at the statement. Huh?

“… maybe after this, they could finally tell me where.” Straight on cue the guitar started to play; soft and warm.

You took a deep breath after closing your eyes, before soft melodic lyrics started to flow out of your lips.

“Why is that sad look in your eyes
Why are you crying
Tell me now, tell me now
Tell me, why you're feelin' this way
I hate to see you so down, oh baby
Is it your heart
Oh, that's breakin' all in pieces
Makin' you cry
Makin' you feel blue
Is there anything that I can do”

Jjong; why now? Why only now did you notice? ‘Keep the tears in Kibum, keep it in and lock them far away’ I told myself over and over again like a broken record.

“Why don't you tell me where it hurts now, baby
And I'll do my best to make it better
Yes, I'll do my best to make those tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
Oh and if you let me stay
I'll love all of the hurt away”

I would if I had the strength to, Jjong; stop, please just stop. Don’t sing like you care, like you could possibly love me, like I’m worth your worry.

“Where are all those tears coming from
Why are they falling
Somebody, somebody, somebody left your heart in the cold
You just need somebody to hold on, baby
Give me a chance to put back all the pieces
Take your broken heart
Make it just like new
There's so many things that I can do”

It’s impossible, Jjong. There’s hardly anything left of it Jjong, how could you possibly piece them back together?

“Why don't you tell me where it hurts now, baby
And I'll do my best to make it better
Yes, I'll do my best to make those tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
Oh and if you let me stay
I'll love all of the hurt away”

“It hurts here” It left as a small cry of pain whilst I grabbed onto my clothed chest, holding it tightly as if the pain was literal.

“Take it, son…” an elderly lady said while handing me a light green handkerchief, I couldn’t understand why the elderly lady wanted to give me the handkerchief, so I opted to just stare blankly at her, I think she realized why i didn’t take it as she brought it towards my cheeks.

Oh… ahahaha, I didn't even realize I’ve been shedding tears, god it hurts so much, that I couldn’t even recognize my own eyes were crying. How long has it been, how long have I been humiliating myself; so ing pathetic.

I grabbed the handkerchief uttering a small thank you to the kind lady.

“Let it out, son. Never forget that it doesn’t matter how strong a person, makes themselves out to be, the lone fact that they are a person means that they could really only hold on to so much pain. It’s fine to let it all go sometimes, it doesn’t make you weaker son, if that’s what you’re afraid of, in fact it only makes you stronger” Was all she said before she muttered a small goodbye.

The minute my eyes darted back to where you are, was the exact time you open yours, they widen at the crying sight of me. I smiled to show you I was fine. So you carried on with ending the performances as you sang the last couple of lines.

“Is it your heart
Oh, that's breakin' all in pieces
Makin' you cry
Makin' you feel blue
Is there anything that I can do”

I’ll take that lady’s word, I’ll let it out, I’ll let everything out but I’ll at least save me from all this unwanted pain and at the thought of this rivers of tears came cascading down, I don’t want to be seen by anyone so I grabbed my bag and ran out of the café, leaving you behind.

However at the resonating sound of the chime of the café door I knew that you indeed followed me, I run faster. Just let it go Jjong, let me cry this out for know, I’ll promise I’ll be fine by tomorrow.

I swept the tears that accumulated in my eyes away, whilst I run further and further down the quite road.

“Key, Key, will you stop running” You yelled as you were already nearing me. ‘How did you even get here so fast, you’ve got shorter legs than I do’ I thought as I ran faster, the faster I run the more tears kept falling and with that my vision blurred and inevitable I tripped and fell.

“Key, , Key are you okay!?” Your voice seeming louder, firmer as you got nearer.

I guess I’ll have to face my fears now, I can’t possibly run away anymore, I fell so hard already, ironically enough.

I brushed the remaining tears that were running down my cheeks and by that time you already reached and found me.

“Don’t ever run away crying alone, okay” you said, holding both my shoulder firmly, I was too weak to replay so I responded with a small nod.

You crouched down to wipe the dirt of my legs, “Key, just this once, please tell me why” you said whilst looking up with sad, worry filled eyes.

I’ll tell you why, just don’t hate me after I do.