Bad Behavior
Chapter nine
Yongguk Pov

I was sure that I had seen Junhong in that bar that night. I was one-hundred percent certain that he was there. I had tried telling Himchan and Jongup alike, but they wrote me off as seeing things, but I was so sure. Sure as sure could be! I knew with one-hundred percent of my being that it had been Choi Junhong, my student, on the dance floor, kissing some sleazy guy.

I had lost him in the crowd before I could say anything at all, but it stuck with me. When I laid down to sleep that night, all I could see was Junhong, locking lips with some stranger who had to have been nearly my age. It was driving me insane, with that same protective feeling that had me holding his face only a few nights before the event. I wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him until some sense got knocked lose in that color treated head of his, but unfortunately for me, it'd be two whole weeks until I saw the Choi's only son again.

He had two weeks off for winter break, leaving me with two weeks to fume in isolation over what I had seen. What had he been thinking? First of all he had been in the bar, which was bad enough in itself, but to let some guy touch him like that? Was he insane? I was riddled with all these thoughts that made it impossible to do anything else. Himchan was busy preparing for the holidays, and Jongup still remained by his side, looking up recipies for the party Himchan hosted each year.

Each time I saw Himchan I went off into it again, complaining about the same night until he could quote me word for word. I knew I was getting redundant and that I was driving him just as mad as I was being driven, but I couldn't help it. If I couldn't yell at Junhong, I had to yell at someone. Jongup assured me each time I went to Himchan's that he knew Junhong better than anyone and that he'd never do anything like that. No offense to him, but he was a bit aloof, so I couldn't find comfort in his words, though they were intended to do just that.

By the end of the first week and a half I knew there was no way I could last seven more days with this burning rage. I had to get my mind off of it, I had do to something. Drinking didn't work. While it had taken my mind off of Jieun, it couldn't shake my thoughts away from the the candy-colored-haired boy. After drinking I tried boxing, something I had once done in my youth.

Jongup offered to take me to the gym he frequented, and he schooled me in the proper way to do this and that. For a guy who couldn't remember his own phone number, he seemed to have every function of the human body and every possible stretch down-pat. He prattled it all off so fast, I couldn't understand a word, but I nodded all the same.

We patted our gloves and headed to the ring. Jongup could have been a proffessional athele in any number of fields, I was sure. His punches came so quickly he seemed to have three or four hands to hit with instead of just two. He hit one side, then the left, then down, then left, then right then maybe left--- I coudln't even be sure. It all happened so quick I felt like I was surrounded.

What pathetic punches I managed to land knocked him back only little bits. I was strong, but he was strong and fast, which put him at quite the advantage compared to me. He bounced around, and smiled at me with his mouthgaurd in place. By the time he had started to break a sweat I was done for. I raised my hand in defeat from his never ending hits and he backed off instantly.

"You're pretty good, hyung!" Jongup said earnestly. I couldn't tell if I was receiving pittied praise, or if he was too kind for the truth. I nodded, out of breath and he held the ropes for me to climb down. We made ourselves at home on one of the benches and he passed me a bottle of water that I drank in a hurry, almost greedily. He was more composed than me, but I was out of practice.

"I'm too old for this," I decided at last, which left us both laughing. I did feel better, even if I had gotten my handed to me by a guy eight years younger. Having prepared lunch, Jongup ran out to the car to grab the lunch which he had kept over ice. I laid unceremoniously back across the bench, feeling sweaty and sore. Even if we hadn't been boxing to hurt one another, I was sure I had bruises running up and down my torso.

Just then, Jongup returned in a hurry, his face pale. He pulled me up and dragged me out to the car (which we had borrowed for the day from Himchan, despite his protests). I tried to ask him what was going on but he just shook his head and pushed me into the car, speeding off like he did when he worried.

"Junhong called," he said at last, pulling a sharp turn and leaving the tires squealing. Himchan was going to kill us for ruining his tires and breaking traffic laws, but my stomach was in my throat at the situation at hand. I couldn't bring myself to urge him to slow down, and instead I insited that he speed up several times.

We made it to the Choi family residence in five minutes flat. Having passed the courthouse on the way, we were sure Himchan had seen us speeding away. The fact that our phones were being blown up more and more by each passing moment confirmed that. Jongup pushed me out of the car and decided to deal with Himchan, who had become not only his boss but his friend as well. He used a softer voice when scolding Jongup, so it was for the best.

I rushed to the door to knock, still unaware of the situation at hand, but the shouting within the walls made me forget my matters. I threw open the door without a second thought and barged in, rude or otherwise. I didn't even kick off my shoes, rushing to the source of the yelling just in time to see a textbook go flying in the direction of a tall thin boy I knew all too well. It collided with the wall beside him, and for one of the first times I saw Mr. Choi.

Junhong's mother lingered by the stairs, her voice being drown out by the angry shouts of a man. "What's so bad about this? What haven't I given you? Why do you have to be like this!?" His deep voice boomed as he reached for another thing out of Junhong's school bag to throw at him. For a split second, Junhong's mother's eyes met mine and I stepped in.

Blocking the notebook, which was hardly anything to me, I moved closer to Junhong. At the same time, his mother rushed for his father, trying to subdue him, and placing her hands on his chest. She pleaded for him to stop, and Junhong looked at me with the biggest eyes I had ever seen. He resembled a frieghtened animal and I found myself forgetting the words I had practiced for nearly a week and a half.

Instead, Junhong grabbed my sleeve and dragged me up the stairs after him. From there, we moved toward what I assumed was his room, and he pushed me inside. Slamming the door shut and leaning against it, he closed his eyes tightly as the sounds of a louder fight erupted from down the stairs. I was utterly confused, but when Junhong started crying I could only think about protecting him.

"He's not going to do anything you," I promised, and he launched himself at me, clinging to me for dear life. I couldn't say anything, or even think anything coherently. I had barged into my boss's home, interupted his life, and now found myself hugging his only son and trying to wipe the trails of tears from his face. Junhong tried to explain what was going on, but it did little good for me, between being a bit out of it and the distortion of his words. This was the second time I had seen Junhong cry when it should have been never, but I wanted desperately to make him stop.

From below us shouts wafted up of a woman and a man who could certainly scream. Junhong winced when a shriek came to us. Releasng him I went to go and check out what was going on, though it was obvious, but Junhong stopped me by weakly curling his fingers around the back of my shirt. Swallowing back any scolding I had built up, instead I sat beside the boy on his bed and put a cosoling hand on his shoulder. "What happened, Junhong?" I questioned as the boy took a second to compose himself.

Crinkled and torn, a paper had been in his hand the entire time, overlooked by me who had been too worried even think straight. He pushed the paper into my hand and I hesitantly looked down. It was a poem he hadn't shown me to edit beforehand. Giving him an uncertain looked he nodded meaning that I was meant to read it. Skimming through his words the topic of the paper was clear from the get go.

The story in my hand described a marriage on the rocks, going to hell, from the eyes of a child, detailing the phsyical and verbal abuse of an angry father.

Glancing up, I noticed Junhong's eyes downcast. "My teacher told the counsellor and they sent a letter to my dad. I tried to hide it, but he got it and he sort of blew up at me," Junhong explained at last. I was at a loss for words. I didn't know the best way to comfort the child beside me, or anybody in such a situation. In one poem, Junhong had explained many things to me, and suddenly several things made sense. In a few eloquent words, the boy had sealed my fate. It was too late; I really couldn't turn back now, not with these strong feelings of protective affection deepset in my .

"Junhong---" I began but he cut me off.

"It's my fault, but he's hitting her. She gets angry and hits me. I get angry and I don't have anyone to hit," he said, sitting with rigid posture. "Instead I dye my hair and skateboard and listen to music until I feel better. But there's something that works even better, hyung..." There was a moment of hesitation as he looked up at me with determined eyes; narrow eyes that knew just what they wanted. My heart was in my throat, choking me and making it impossible for me to stop him in his tracks, as he inched toward me.

The door opened just then and Junhong was front and center in an instant. I owed everything at the moment to Junhong's mother who interupted the boy where I could not. I knew just what he wanted, even if I pretended I did not. What else would a teenager suspect when I did things like touch his face in the dark, or let him crash at my house? I knew just what air I gave off, and how terribly wrong it was. I just hoped Junhong woke up and saw that before he took what he wanted, because I feared that my judgement would be too comprimised by my affection for the boy for me to stop him myself.

Junhong's mother looked pale, and he hair was a bit out of place. On her wrists the bruises were evident, and her left cheek was more swollen than the right. Even so, she stood tall and proud, collecting herself for a moment. "I'm sorry you had to see that," she said quietly. "I also don't know how you got here, or why you came, but thank you for taking care of Junhong, however I'd like to discuss the dissolution of your contract from this day forward." Beside my Junhong opened his mouth to argue, but I squeezed his shoulder to keep him quiet.

"I agree, I think that'd be for the best," I said, meeting her eyes. "You wouldn't want me here after what I'm about to discuss with you anyway." Both Choi family members gave my puzzled looks, and I rose to follow the woman down the hall. I didn't dare look back at Junhong, knowing that if I did my resolve would fade into nothing and I wouldn't be able to do what needed to be done.

Taking a seat across from her in Mr. Choi's office just like the day when we signed the contract three months prior. "About your employment..." she began but I shook my head. She gave me a confused look, and I leaned back in my gym clothes with my sweaty hair, not giving her status a second thought.
"About your marriage," I corrected, putting the conversation on the track it truly belonged. She was so shocked by my boldness she couldn't say a word. I weclomed this and continued as I pleased. “Divorce is awful. It hurts more than anything I've ever felt,” I told her using informal language wth a woman ten years (or more) my senior. Gaping, she stared at me as I spoke. “It's hard, and expensive, and messy. I can't even imagine what it's like when there's a kid involved, but you need to get your act together. Both you, and your husband. For Junhong's sake.”

Narrowing my eyes a bit I continued. “Those are the words of a kid who's torn up inside. All this fighting may as well be razor blades for him to swallow and cut him up.” I was speaking from experience, and from my heart, and I think that's why his mother remained silent as long as she did. “That kid needs someone-- anyone-- to vent to, but with a father bullying him, he's scared. Either learn to parent, or send him to someone who can. No kid deserved to feel like the reason for a divorce.” Impudently, I spoke to her as if I was a marriage expert, or her senior worried for her. I didn't give a damn about Mrs. Choi or her husband, but Junhong was special to me. Tossing her head to the side, she drew in a sharp breath as if composing herself.
 

“You don't understand that this is more complicated than you know,” she told me pointedly. Still sitting comfortably I imitated her in tossing my head to the side, but to scoff instead.

“I understand that he's blaming himself for all of this. I know that you hit him. I know that he cries and just wants to be a normal kid. I know you haven't told him you love him in years, and I know that you sent away his only friend,” I told her boldly. She seemed shocked by my threshold of knowledge, and I was shocked too that I had suddeny connected it all full circle. “You have a smart kid on your hands, one with a lot of talent and promise, but you two are weighing him down. Keep it between yourselves, would you?”

“That's easy for a man like you to say,” she spat. “Men cause all the problems but expect the woman to be the silent one.” That made my temper flare up as I thought of Jieun which was still a painful subject. I gripped the arms of the seat tightly, the wood creeking under the pressure.
 

“And women expect so much of a man who needs time to get his work done. Who carries his stress on the inside. Women who want families when time and money won't allow it and throw fits and end marriages over it.” Before we knew it we were spitting passive aggressive phrases at each other critizing the spouses that had caused the trouble for us. In the end we ended out of breath and upset, glaring at each other from across the table. My employment already in the rubbish bin I didn't care anymore.

“Some people shouldn't have children,” I told her as I stood. “You two are some of those people.”

She slapped me without a second thought. My face stung with a new hand print that didn't belong, but I didn't even blink. Staring down at her I continued, delivering a final blow. “You two made a mistake and had a blessing as a result. You should worship the ground that kid walks on because children are precious things that you'll never get a reset button with.”

“Get. Out.” She was seething mad and so was I. I turned and exited the office throwing the door open and letting it slam against the wall. Junhong sat like a dog hiding at the foot of the stairs. I knew he had heard every word but he acted like he hadn't heard a thing. His eyes were red and puffy implying that he had been crying even longer. I shut the door behind me, leaving the woman to fume and motioned for him to follow me quickly. Imitating a dog even further he was at my side in an instant. He held my sleeve tightly as we headed for the door.

“If I--- If I do something they'll give you your job back. I'll stop doing my homework again. They'll have no choice---”

I turned to him with a smile, placing my hands on his shoulders. “Junhong, don't. It's not worth it anymore.” His eyes were wet again in an instant, growing large. He shook his head stubbornly and held my shirt tightly. That day he clung to me for dear life.

“You can't go, Yongguk. You just can't hyung, you don't understand, I really can't do this alone with them.”

Though I had gone into that office knowing my words would lead to being fired and I would have to leave him, seeing him like this tugged at my heart. I choked on my words and nearly teared up myself. I was an adult, I had to offer some words of closure and maturity but I was drawing a blank. Instead, I hugged him. I forgot all else besides the boy in my arms, and even if I hadn't I wouldn't have given a damn. He clung to me, leaning down to bury his face in my neck and I squeezed him tight.

“Who says you'll be doing it alone?” I whispered softly in his ear before quickly releasing him and leaving him there before we got caught. In the back of my mind I knew I was doing it to bail out before he brought up what he had nearly done in the bedroom. I knew Choi Junhong better than anyone, and I knew how he got exactly what he wanted despite the cost and consequences. Returning to Jongup an unemployed man I was quickly attacked with questions that I answered distantly.

We called Himchan to tell him what had happened and he had only sighed heavily. He had known all along, after all, he was the one that had made sure that the domestic violence reports had 'disappeared'. Himchan had a job he had to keep. He was paid more than most judges by the Choi family, one that was laced with secrets. With a solemn voice he told us that he planned to take a half day and for us to return the car. I sat in the back as he drove me home and Jongup continued to ask me lots of questions about if Junhong was okay or not.

I glared at Himchan in the mirror and he purposely avoided my eyes. He knew just as well as I did what was going on between Junhong and me. It was as if we were magnetically charged and drawn to one another. I refused to let that kid suffer, and Himchan knew that with the dissolution of my contract I had nothing to lose. We would soon be enemies on a legal battle field, and Jongup sat unaware honestly concerned for the child who would be the Helen of Troy between two friends.

“It's fine. I'm going to make sure he's okay,” I promised at last as we stopped in front of my apartment. “No matter what.” Himchan watched me with cold and narrow eyes as I climbed out, turning my back to them without a second thought. I felt like I was floating. Once again, just like I had been with Jieun, I was stripped of employment, and of a sense of belonging. This time, I knew, I wouldn't even have Himchan. All I had was that kid that I so adored, who's heart could change at any moment.

I was Bang Yongguk, not like the Bang Yongguk I had been at the new year, but crazy Bang Yongguk. I had given up all reason and hopes of sanity three months ago when I first looked into the deep obsidien eyes of Choi Junhong. They had been flaring with rebellion that day, and now the looked upon me with adoration. I'm sure my eyes had been emotionless and bare upon our first meeting too. It was a presence like Junhong's that I had been missing all along. I needed something to restore the focus I had once had, the affection I had once festered, and Junhong was just the right fit.
 

Collapsing on my bed, I found it hard to think of the consequences myself. I had been holding the boy not even an hour ago. He was just that: A boy. I had been hitting puberty when he was just opening his eyes. I was preparing for college when he was still learning spelling words. The whole concept of he and I was utterly... Wrong. Yet, as I laid there, remembering the implications he had placed on me earlier that day, it sure didn't feel wrong.

On the contrary, everything about my time with Junhong seemed right. From his bratty bantering to his honest words, he fascinated me. He was smart enough to compete on my level in conversations and absorbed information like a sponge. He laughed at my jokes and longed for my attention. It was easy to be around the kid, and if he had just been a few years older-- no, there was something alluring about that too. Perhaps it was a midlife crisis mindset I had adopted, but the danger in that, and being the sense of security for a child in such an instance was an attractive aspect for me.

I wanted Junhong. I wasn't entirely ready to say it out loud, but I knew that I did. Somewhere in my bones I had always known that. I wasn't sure when that safety net had been pulled out from underneath us, but we were both falling into a very dark and dangerous place. I would not however, let Junhong fall alone. I had let Jieun hurt in secret, I had let her be in love alone and married my work. Even if it took two to tango, I did admit my flaws there.

In rapid succession, Junhong had come into my life and taken root in my heart. I couldn't simply drop him to the side or forget him any longer. I couldn't deny seeing the signs either. I wasn't a stupid man, and while I didn't like to admit it, I noticed from the moment he had started looking at me differently. I had students before who got that same dreamy look in their eyes. He wasn't the first student to fall for me, but he had been the first one to steal my attention.

That was the day that my life that had been on struggling climb upward plummeted downward again and shattered upon the pavement of rock bottom.

A numbness over taking my body I slept for several hours and awoke to a slew of texts. Drowsily, I managed to sit up and slump forward and open my eyes just enough to makeout the words. The one on top was from Himchan. “He's sixten Yongguk. Sixteen. You're twenty-nine. Let's be realistic.” That text was quicklly deleted both from my phone and from my threshold of caring. The next few were from Jongup rambling on and on about things I already knew having to do with Junhong and his parents. He was a mess, I could tell, worried for the kid he had always cared for. I sympathized, but I also glazed over his texts in order to get to the ever imporant one lurking underneath.

There was only one from Junhong, sent shortly after I had managed to arrive home. It was simple and short, but behind it was the deal breaker between the two of us.
 

“I need you.”

My heart swelled in my chest, skipping a single beat that was surely not unnoticed by the judging god overhead who would frown upon the act of adultry I was about to commit. This was my last chance to turn back, to be a normal man, leading a normal life. I could get another job at another university, move out of the city. I could even go work on a farm, somewhere in the middle of nowhere, change my name and completely disappear. I could forget Junhong and Himchan and Jongup and Jieun and leave it all behind. I could fly away to Tahiti and find a tropical beauty to keep me company. I could choose the contented life.

But I didn't do any of that. Instead I chose the child. I couldn't explain it. I hadn't ever been attracted to men, and I certainly hadn't been attracted to children. Yet here I was, helplessly hung up on a boy. I had tried to push him away, but I had ignored the signs until I had ended up in a dangerous place. I had always been a person to shy away from risky situations, to turn my back to trouble, but now I grabbed the bull by the horns and pulled it into an injury-laced embraced.
 

“I need you too.”
 

Love wasn't a word I dared use then. I didn't think it was ual attraction either. It had to be something in between. A deep affection that I couldn't indentify with any other relationship I had ever had. I didn't want to kiss Junhong like I had Jieun, I didn't want to shove him up against a wall and attack his neck with bites or have crazy hot . I didn't want to put a ring on his finger the way I had with her, but I did want to hold him close to me, to hear his laugh, to smell his hair. I wanted to run my fingers over the back of his hands and fall asleep with my head on his stomach the way I already had.

Was it crazy? Absolutely.
Did I care? Absolutely not.

His reply was in the form of a phone call. I answered after two rings and for a moment neither of us spoke. I heard him breath on the other end, and I simply listened, imagining the rise and fall of his fragile asthmatic chest. “Hyung...” he said after what felt like tens of minutes. I heard him swallow, but I still didn't interject and help him out. I wanted to hear it out loud, the subject we had been so glazing over; I wanted to hear what I couldn't bring myself to say.

“I like you.”

The words, befitting a child hung in the telewaves between us. I waited a moment, letting them settle in, and even trying to listen to my forgotten conscience for a moment. We had finally done it. We had finally reached the point of no return with a simple three word phrase. Like could mean so many things, but I was sure I understand just what Junhong had intended. Without a doubt, he had felt the sparks, and was guilty of enjoying my touch. I'll I had to do was tell him I liked him back. Four words, or three, or it could even be shortened to two. But instead, different words left my mouth.

My reason finally returned to me after a three month battle. Junhong was a child. A child who didn't know what a real relationship was. He didn't know what love felt like. He was a child in an unfortunate circumstance who was seeking comfort in the only man knew would give it to him. In that moment, I decided to place my selfishness aside and consider what I would do to the boy if I did accept his feelings and admit to my own.


“Don't say that,” I said, my voice flat. “You don't know who you like or what you want, Junhong. Don't do this.”

It was that day when I learned what it meant to truly care for another human being. If had been selfished and indulged my feelings for the boy his parents wold have been twice as hard on him, and he would get caught in a legal crossfire. Even if it wasn't illegal, I knew that Himchan could find a way to press charges if the top dog gave the say-so, and that Junhong would be caught in the crossfire. If I let him devote his heart to be, he would never know what a normal relationship would be because I knew once I admitted to those feelings, the moment I said them out loud, they would become real, and Junhong would be wrapped into an obligation.

“I do need you,” I said, filling up the dumbfounded silence I had receieved in response, “I need you to stay away from me. Jongup will be back to take care of you soon, so forget me. Work hard and do well in your classes.” I gritted my teeth through every word, choking back feelings with each swallow. I buried them deep inside me, and I locked them there, never to be seen again. From the other end of the line I heard a struggled sob, one that was trying to be muffled as not to be heard. His shaky breath filled my ears and my heart and stomach lurched.

“What did I do wrong?” His voice was brroken and shaking, like the whine of a baby. I couldn't give him an answer that day. I couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't admit to a damn thing. I was a coward, but I did my best to make him hate me that day. I did my best to pull away for good.

“Delete my number. Forget who I am, it'll cause you trouble,” I told him, my voice lacking it's normal strength. It was soft and gentle, as if trying to cushion the harsh words I was saying. A more audbile sob sounded through the speaker and my heart shattered into bits. Still, I bit my lip and stayed with my resolve. I was doing this for Junhong. I was thinking long term. I was going to protect him, no matter what.

“But why? What did I do? I really like you, Yongguk!” He sounded angry now, shouting with all the fireceness he had, but with a quarter of the volume. I imagined him there, in his room, hiding away and crying into the phone. I didn't ever imagine that this would come to be from taking the job I did. I didn't anticpate a child falling for me, and having to hurt them like this. I gripped my pants tightly, balling my hands into fists.

“I'm going away because of this. I don't want to see you again, Junhong. Be a good boy, Jongup will be back soon, I promise.”
 

I hung up then. I couldn't take another line from him. I knew if he tried just a bit harder he could break through any number of my defenses. He had done it before, and he wouldn't hesitate to do it again. Feeling number than before I took the battery out of my phone and tossed it in a drawer. I stormed into the bathroom and stepped into the shower completely clothed. I let the cold water splash me and soak me to the bone. I hoped that it could cool my burning skin. I felt feverish and terrible. I wanted to sink away and curl into a ball to cradle my bleeding heart.

Love simply wasn't meant for me. I only brought heart break to those I cared for, but I could save Junhong from that, minus this little folly.

He came to visit me that night, I know. I had turned off all my lights and sat at my kitchen table, drinking in the silence. I heard him knock on my door. I heard him plead to me in a voice more pathetic than the whimper of a kicked dog. I heard him cry, and I heard him slump against the wood. I listened as he broke down beside me, and spilled his entire heart to me, but I did nothing. I sat. I drank. I listened. And I died.

At long last, my reason returned, but my heart was buried. I never admitted my feelings out loud, even in my darkest moment. They never became real, and therefore I was determined to erase them entirely. To delete them systematically like wiping files from a computer. That day, I decied that I would never see Choi Junhong again. That day, I ended it all. That day, I started my spiral downward. That day, my heart died alongside Junhong's.



A:N// I have the most patient readers ever ;x; ;; I'm sorry I get so busy with school. I had this chapter mostly done, but then I lost inspiration. Thanks to Saaaaaaaaaaamie's sparkly comment I got my out of my rut and wrote some yesterday. Please anticipate the following chapters, it should be concluding in 5-6