Bad Behavior
Chapter Ten
Junhong POV

After that day I went back to his apartment several times. I just wanted to see him on last time. If I could only do that, I was sure I could convince him that he loved me too. I just need five minutes with him. I knew he felt the same way, he just had to. He wouldn’t have cared for me the way he had or would have came to my rescue so many times. I was certain that he loved me. I just needed desperately for him to show it to me. If not that, I thought he owed me an explanation at the very least.

But I didn’t get one. I knew he was there, hiding within the walls of his cheap apartment, refusing to see me. He went back to Himchan, and Jongup came back to me. Though I had been jealous of them both, having Jongup back was nothing compared to losing to Yongguk. Never before in my life had I so sincerely wished to die. Nothing had any reason, and everything was sorely lack-luster.

The day Yongguk left my life my heart broke. I hadn’t been thinking straight before by any means, but after losing his guidance I was completely crazy. I lost all will to do anything. I left behind my friends, and simply lowered my eyes when I ran into Zico at school. My teachers were amazed by my complacent attitude, and welcomed it. My hair color faded to the point where I simply dyed it back to black, not having the energy to keep up with it. I sold my skateboard and threw away all the notebooks I had kept while being tutored by him.

Yoo Youngjae came back to tutor me after that. He was just as awkward as ever, and would sweat like a pig whenever I didn’t answer a question. A new man came into my life too, Jung Daehyun, who became a therapist for my quite obvious depression. He worked a bit with my parents too, but when enough money was waved in front of his face his concern for their situation wavered. He fell into the category of every selfish adult I had ever met.

The days passed slowly into drawn out weeks, becoming painstaking months without Yongguk in my life. Soon the time without him had surpassed the time with him but the pain never lessened. The ache was still strong in my chest and my memories fresh. Spring passed into summer, and nothing improved. Not even having Jongup by my side could appease my terrible loneliness. But I was always careful to keep Yongguk a secret from Daehyun.

“How are you feeling today?” he would ask. Glancing up, the cycle would repeat inevitably. “Bad.”

“Why is that?”

“You tell me, doctor.”

He never got anywhere with me, and I refused to open up to a stranger. My parents welcomed my depression as well, since I didn’t talk back. I didn’t make messes. I barely even breathed. I would stay in bed all day long and they never bothered to try and get me out. Jongup would bring my food and sit with me and try to tell me jokes but it did nothing. Even Jongup’s smile faltered when I lost mine. I was hopeless, desolate, lonely.

I was so jealous of him that I couldn’t bask in his natural warmth. He still saw Himchan, and he still saw Yongguk. He wouldn’t admit it to me, but I knew he did. For all these months he had gotten to see the man I had been so desperately seeking out, and he didn’t even know how to appreciate it. I hated him for that; I hated my parents for sending him away; I hated him for leaving; but most of all I hated myself for not being good enough to win his affection.

One day things got all mixed up, and not in a good way.

Suddenly called down stairs, I normally wouldn’t listen, but a deep familiar voice lured me out in an instant. I didn’t bother changing my pajamas, and rocketed down the stairs as quickly as I could. Sure enough, there he stood, in his short and stocky glory, smiling a gummy smile at me. I was certain that I was dreaming, so I pinched myself, staring at him with wide eyes. He looked good, with his hair combed out of his face, and a nice shirt on. I had been so caught up in him, I hadn’t even noticed my cousin with her arm through his, smiling up a storm.

“We got back together.”

Her words ruined everything. She ruined everything. I snapped my eyes in her direction as my parents hung off to the side. My mother wore a strained smile and my father glared at Yongguk. His eyes were on me, but she beamed up at him. My heart skipped a beat before falling into the pit of my stomach. Yongguk continued to smile and I felt my blood run cold.

“Long time no see, kiddo,” he said, reaching out to ruffle my hair. I pulled back instantly, like his touch was ridden with the plague. His voice, once soft felt like poison in my ears. I glared at him, bewildered, backing up. For a moment I thought I was dreaming again, and I prayed that it was so. My breathing felt labored, and I felt like the room was spinning.

“I’m going out,” I choked out before the tears could come and settle over my eyes. I stormed away before anyone could say anything. I heard Jongup follow after me, but I just kept running. I was in my sweatpants and a t-shirt, hair a mess, and had no money or anything like that with me. I would listen when he called after me,  but one shout from Yongguk and I was frozen in place. I stopped at the end of the driveway, but didn’t turn around. I was obnoxiously obedient to him, but I tired to keep up my resolve.

“Junhong-ah.”

I scoffed, turning my head to the side while the tears welled up, stinging my eyes. His footsteps filled the air, and he placed a hand on my shoulder. I turned further away from him, and I could feel the eyes of the family boring into us. “Please don’t be like this, Junhong-ah... I’m back right? I’m back as your hyung,” he prodded gently. I balled my fists and pushed away from him.

“You’re just like them,” I spat. “You’re just another selfish adult who only thinks about themselves. I hope she treats you real well this time. I hope it hurts like crazy when she leaves you again, and I hope you drink yourself to death this time!” I tried to keep my voice down to escape the ears of my parents, but  I was shaking from anger. He reached out for me and I stepped out of his range. “Don’t touch me. Don’t speak to me. Don’t ever look at me again. That’s what you wanted right? I gave you that. I did exactly what you said, so what gives you the right to keep hurting me?”

He looked at me with sorry eyes full of confusion and my heart ached. It wanted to so sincerely to forgive him, but the pain dulled the desire. “Junhong--- I---” I turned away and marched back toward my house, unable to stomach the sight of him. I had wished for months, day in and day out, for Yongguk to come back in my life but now that he was here, I couldn’t even look him in the eye.

Slamming my door shut I threw myself on my bed. Months of keeping my feels in secret, breaking slowly on my own and this just pushed me over the edge. The tears came, and they stayed. Yongguk and Jieun planned on staying with us for a few months at the least, while they searched for a new home. Rich families were the way they had always been, they flocked to their other kin and clung to them to complain about their pathetic little problems that were hardly even so. They were all shallow enough to understand each other, and I knew I would have to greet every morning in an empty bed while Jieun greeted them with the man I cared for just a few bedrooms away. I couldn’t stand even the thought! I left such a bitter taste in my mouth.

Dinner came and went, but I didn’t leave my room. I stayed hauled up for two whole days before even Jongup would try to pull me from my cocoon of teenage angst. I didn’t know that it was even possible to hurt as much as I did at that time. Every breath was labored under this immense weight that bore down on my chest. If I breathed too deeply, it felt like I was being stabbed. If I thought too much about him, I broke into tears, and if I heard him walking down the hall to the bathroom I began to shake. My heart would beat with every heavy trodding step of his, and would break a little bit more once the sound disappeared. I kept this false hope that maybe, just maybe, it was me that he was going to come to. That somehow he was just messing with me and this would still play out in my favor.
“Junhong-ah, what’s wrong?” Jongup asked as he perched himself on the edge of my bed. He reached out to touch me, petting my hair, but I couldn’t bring myself to respond. Of course he didn’t understand. For him, Yongguk had never left. He had been there smiling and laughing with him and Himchan all these months, and he probably had known about Jieun as well. I felt so utterly betrayed that I numb to my most favorite person’s touch.

“I feel sick.” My voice was quiet, but sharp. Staccato syllables fell from my mouth as I rolled away from Jongup. I couldn’t bring myself to even look him in the eye when I answered him. I could hear the hurt dripping out of his voice as he quietly submitted to my attitude. Slinking away like a dog with a tail between his legs, Jongup left me to my fortress of depression. I built up walls of distrust and contempt with each passing hour of thought, until these barriers towered around me and my heart.

Daehyun met with me in my room that week. Finding a place among the clothes and soda cans, he sat awkwardly. I didn’t look at him. He didn’t speak for a long time, and Yongguk had once told me about this trick. He wanted me to break the silence, but I refused. Obstinately, I waited. Time is all weird when you’re lying in bed with your eyes closed. You’re never quite sure if you’re awake or asleep, or if It’s been ten minutes of sixty. There’s no real way to tell, and I’m sure it hadn’t been all that long before he spoke, but the tense air made it feel like forever.

“How are you feeling?” he asked at last. I didn’t face him still, remaining buried under the blankets. I shrugged my thin shoulders, and I’m sure the motion translated because Daehyun continued. “Should I take that confusion? Or are you just being difficult.” I shrugged again.

He continued like that for a bit before he laid a real trap for me. “I brought food.” I hadn’t eaten for nearly four days by that point save for a few snacks that I had stashed. I wouldn’t touch the food Jongup had made and thrown it all from my window in the garden below. I was too stubborn and too bitter to accept his help at the time. My stomach betraying my mind I slowly emerged from my blanket shield and looked at Daehyun with tired eyes and messed up hair.

Taking the fast food meal big enough for three, I devoured a burger in a minute flat and began to scarf down the fries. “So, let’s talk.” Maybe it was the relaxing feeling of filling my stomach after going days without, but I complied.

“Do you ever get the feeling that you’re not you? Like, you’re you, but you’re not in control of anything? Not your actions, or your words, or anything that happens around you?” Daehyun only nodded, motioning for me to continue. He didn’t jot anything down and just listened. I was a little bit thankful for that, I guess. “Well, I feel like that. I’ve felt like that for almost three years. I can’t control others, and all that crap, but sometimes others are so ing stupid I want to just scream.”

Slurping down a milkshake, I continued without meeting his eyes. “Like, for example if you like someone with all you have, and they like you too, but they pull away because they’re worried about a scandal. Doesn’t that sound stupid? Doesn’t that sound unfair?” Daehyun looked interested, leaning in toward me from across the room.

“Is there someone that you like, Junhong? Is that what has you so upset?” I didn’t look at him still and spent a long time chewing a chicken strip. I shook my head, looking him dead in the eye.
“I’m in love with a monster. A totally terrible person who hurts and hurts and hurts me, but I love them still. With all my heart, and sincerely, they’re the only thing I want.” He went into a lecture after that about how teenage romances aren’t meant to last forever, and read off some statistics without trying to full out call me a ninny. He had no idea how difficult the situation was, or rather, who stupidly simple it could be and how difficult Yongguk made it.

After that, I was sort of expected to join the others again. Begrudgingly I ate meals alongside them, offered strained smiles and hurried back to my room before they could even excuse me from the table. It was horrible watching him with her. They laughed, and brought laughter to the house. My parents put their problems aside to focus on them, and make them comfortable. Jieun was never away from him. She was always touching him, and it made me sick. I couldn’t look Yongguk in the eye without the same gasping pain resurfacing. But even his voice made me weak in the knees. I hated him so sincerely then.

They had been there a month when he finally approached me. My summer vacation was over in just a week at that point, and I had wasted the golden days in a tense heart break thanks to this man. It was a day when Jieun took my mother and my father out for coffee to show just how charming and perfect she was. Jongup was out for the day, leaving only Yongguk and I alone in the big empty house. I dreaded that day for the days leading up to it, and I had been sure to stock up on food and work out a bathroom schedule to avoid him.

But as I carefully listened to his heavy steps, holding my breath, I knew I would crumble in front of him just as I always knew I would. A knock on my door broke my resolve, and my heart fluttered in a bitter-sweet sort of way. “Come in,” I squeaked. Even if I had planned on hiding I had been sure to wear a tight shirt that showed my stomach just a tiny amount when I stretched and tight jeans that looked nice on my long legs. I had brushed my hair and obsessively brushed my teeth. I wasn’t sure when I would be alone with Yongguk again, and my hope still burned at the back of my mind.

“It feels like we haven’t had the time to catch up,” he said, carefully aproaching me. I wanted to laugh at him, but instead I simply scooted over on my bed and made room for him. He sat on me, looking at the posters and the like that covered my walls. “I missed you.” I bit my lip, but stayed silent. Yongguk was the one who had taught me this trick of coaxing words from others, and I fully intended to apply that knowledge on him.

“I’ve wanted to apologize for a long time, I’m sure this is really confusing for you…” I looked elsewhere, balling my hands into fists upon my knees. He swallowed loudly and continued. “I’m really sorry for all I’ve done, Junhong-ah, I should be an adult, but sometimes I fall short, I know.”

I took a sharp breath, collecting myself and praying that my voice wouldn’t come out as weak.

“What gives you the right?” I asked, not seeking an answer. He dropped his eyes. “What gives you the right to do this to me? I’m the person that you like, you said so, so why are you here engaged to her?” I placed all the tension in front of us in that moment and he swallowed in the thick air trying to come up with a plausible answer.

“Junhong, you’re sixteen…” I cut him off,
“And when I’m not? When I’m seventeen in less than six months? When I’m eighteen, when I’m nineteen? Does that change how much you like me? Is that going to change how you like me and not her?” I was speaking boldly, but I had no choice with Yongguk. He didn’t respond to anything less because he was a coward to the core. His jaw was tight, I could tell by his protruding jugular vein. I remained firm.

“Junhong, you don’t get it. This can’t work. It doesn’t matter how much you like me, or how much I like you, you’re a kid and I’m a man. I’m almost thirty years old for god’s sake!” I winced at the tone in his voice, but I glared at him through it all. “What can I do to make you understand that?”

“Kiss me.”

He went pale, and I went for the kill. “Kiss me one time and tell me honestly that you like her enough to marry her. Kiss me one time, and tell me I’m not the one that you want, and I’ll back off. I’ll go to your wedding and smile pretty and-- ”
I didn’t get to say a word more before his thick lips were on mine. My heart pounded in my chest, and I thought that I would faint right then and there. He wrapped an arm around me, putting a firm hand on my back as I leaned down into the kiss. It wasn’t a peck. He kept his lips on mine so I kept mine on his. He moved slowly and sensually and I reciprocated. I’m not sure when things got heated, but somehow his tongue ended up in my mouth and I found my eyes fluttering in pleasure. The month of agony that had been preceding this was suddenly worth it.

I put my hands on his chest and the kiss got deeper. He ran his hands down my sides making me shiver, resting on my thigh, and I swallowed thickly, scared that my pants might end up tighter than I had even intended. I think we were both to talk after this kiss, so we just kept kissing and kissing and kissing. He leaned me back on the mattress and I went without objecting. He towered over me, and touched my sides and thighs in such ways that solicited tiny moans from me that he swallowed right up. When he finally pulled back, our lips were swollen and we were both panting. I stared up at him with big eyes and he hovered shakily still.

Tears welled in his tiny eyes, and I sat up right away. “Junhong, I can’t do this. I just can’t…” He tried to turn away from me, but I hugged him from behind. I held him tight and leaned into him. I couldn’t let him go now. I refused to lose him twice.

“Why not? We can make this work. People do harder things every day,” I whispered. He rubbed at his eyes and shook his head.

“I knew I was making a mistake agreeing to come here,” he muttered under his breath. That stung and I pulled back. I retreated to my corner of the bed, far away from him.

“What’s so wrong with this? Don’t tell me for one second that you didn’t enjoy that. I’m the one you like!” I argued impudently. He stood up, running his hands through his hair before shaking his head violently.

“That’s the whole damn problem, Junhong! I’m ing addicted to you. I’m hopelessly tangled up with a kid! I’m locked into another engagement with your cousin because you two sometimes look alike. I’m stuck, Junhong. I’m stuck , I’m stuck, I’m stuck.”

My heart was beating fast and he locked at me helplessly. The walls I had built up came crashing down like London bridge just like that.

“Then let’s go.”

“What?”

“Let’s leave all of this. Let’s just go.”

There was a moment of silence and a moment of confliction in his eyes before we threw caution to the wind.