xiii. Hana

It's out of control.

She doesn't call him first or make random visit to his house because she's supposed to be mature now, and the last thing she wants to be is a burden on Sehun's college life. She steers clear of late night alcohol and deletes Jong In off her speed dial. She tries her best, she really does, but she must be doing something wrong because the people she loves are still dying inside.

If somebody would step in and tell her where it all went downhill, how to fix it, or at least revert it back to what it used to be. But she realizes that they've been three for so long that there's no room to fit a fourth.

She screams frustration into her pillow and wonders if it's really so wrong to love them both, if in the end, it's not about whom she loves, but which one she loves more.

xiv. Sehun

He's happy. He never feels lonely because it's not like her smiles are pasted or her remarks passive. She cares for Sehun as much as Sehun cares for her, and no, there's no one else is on her mind whenever they go on late-night drives and he catches her gazing longingly out the window. Jong In's missed calls and unanswered knocks don't crush him. Jong In isn't doing it on purpose or out of sorrow or anger or jealousy, just busy with his own college life and adult-like stuff, like Sehun is.

He's not lying to himself, of course not. Why would he?

xv. Jong In

Somewhere between sleep and consciousness, he dreams of freshmen year when he and Sehun snuck out through the back parking lot and ditched three periods to take the train to the beach.

Cold waves lap at their ankles to steal the sand between their toes. Sehun and Jong In are smiling determinedly at each other with their uniform pants rolled up to the knees. Truth or dare the "manly way", and each time someone chickens out, he has to take a step into the freezing water.

"I dare you to call me hyung," Sehun snickers. Jong In grimaces.

"Bastard."

"Are you chickening out?"

"No, hyung."

And so on. It drags out for a good half an hour, their teeth chattering and their feet planted on the same spot they started on.

"I dare you to hit Hana up right now and tell her where we're at."

"I knew that would come up. She'll kill you, too, you know."

"So?"

"Jong, I value our lives."

"Fine, then--"

A dark glint of challenge lights up Jong In's eyes.

"Then tell her you're in love with her."

Maybe he doesn't adore Sehun, his soft-spoken dongseng, as much as he thinks he does, because all that Jong In wants at the moment is to watch Sehun break. He wants to see Sehun claw out his hair trying to condense the vague mess of emotions he's harbored for so long into a single tangible word. Jong In knows it must be terrifying, to put a name on something so enormous and abstract, to call it "love" and wake up to the fact. But Jong In has always had a cruel streak that he cannot tame, even when it comes to the people he cares for, and he repeats the dare to Sehun's tight, trembling face.

"Tell Hana that you love her."

There is a storm inside Sehun's normally serene eyes.

"Love," he mouths silently, testing the weight of the word on his tongue. He purses his lips together in an attempt to smile.

"You got me," he chuckles, throwing his hands up. He wades into the ocean and looks contemplatively out at the vast realm that he's just stepped into.

It's then that Jong In realizes that he has made a mistake, because now Sehun knows what love is, and it's only going to grow and grow until one (or all) of them drowns.

xvi. Sehun

"Thanks for the ride."

"Wait."

Her hand leaves the car door and she looks at him, but she isn't really looking at him, and something bitter boils inside. He roughly digs his fingers into the back of her head and tugs her onto his lips, and after an initial noise of surprise, she closes her eyes and accepts it. The surge of rage in him dies down.

"Sorry," he mumbles, retreating back to the driver's seat.

"Pft! What are you sorry for?" she snorts and Sehun turns away to hide his blush.

"Just a lot of things," he shrugs. "I'm no good at this whole--" he wiggles his fingers in the air, "--relationship thing."

"It'll get better," she says. "I'll make it better, I promise. And I'm not talking about just us, either."

She pats his shoulder and smiles, and Sehun doesn't have the heart to tell her not to try so hard to make it alright, not to blame herself, not to become an adult so fast because that's not the Hana he fell for.

xvii. Hana

She's returning home from the supermarket one evening when he ambushes her from behind.

"What the hell, Jong In?!" she yelps, the contents of the grocery bags a mess on the sidewalk. He doesn't stop laughing and she almost forgets that they rarely even see each other.

"Knock it off," she groans. "And stupid hypocrite. You tell me not to come searching for you drunk and look at what you're doing."

His laughter subsides to a lazy, content smile as he watches her pick up the spilt groceries.

"Forget that," he says. "Let's go for a ride, my bike's parked down the block."

"Sounds like a great idea. Why don't we tape on a giant red sign that reads 'Hi cops, I'm dying for a ticket' on your license plate."

"God, I missed your sarcasm."

"And  I miss your sanity."

"That's absurd. I wasn't even sane to begin with."

She pauses at that.

"Can we just talk instead," she sighs, "so I can reassure myself that we're best friends of 10 plus years?"

She doesn't invite him inside (because if there's one thing she does remember about Jong In after over a month of avoiding each other, it's that he hates staying still), so they stroll around the neighborhood.

"How's Sehun?"

"Good. Ask him yourself, though. He'd like that."

"I'm not mad at him, not anymore. I just thought he might not even answer my calls, so why bother, I guess."

"You're not mad at him now?"

"No. Stuff happens but can't say bye-bye to the past decade like--" he snaps his fingers, "--that."

"He'll answer your calls. Or actually, he doesn't have classes on Thursdays, so you can go see him then."

"You sure worry for him, don't you."

She twists . "I feel a little responsible."

"For what? For saying yes?"

"Kind of. For not saying no."

"Okay, what if you had said no. And what if he asked for a reason why."

His voice is dangerous. Hana shudders.

"This what if business again? Stop hypothesizing, Jong. I know what you want to hear..."

"Then say it, why not?" he says. "I didn't down 2 bottles and wait out here for nothing."

She doesn't reply.

"Hana."

"What, Jong In?" she explodes. "I'm doing everything I can to glue the pieces back together! I can't, , even look you guys in the eye anymore and," she draws in a shaky breath, "how will that mend anything, me saying 'Kim Jong In, I love you, I've always loved you, more than I love Sehun--"

He pulls her into an embrace.

"Just tell Sehun," he mumbles, her distress seeping into his own body as he winds warm arms around her. "Tell him the truth."

She doesn't nod or push him away. She just cries and cries and cries because after having spent all this time looking for the solution, she's finally found it.

And it's as simple (but not easy) as that.

Tell him the truth.