“I first met your father a few days after I had arrived in England for my exchange year.” She began talking after clearing . “I came to a Korean restaurant with a friend I had made in my class and he was working there. At first I didn’t think much of him, but the customer service was really good, he was always smiling, no matter who to, and really polite and careful with everything. I could see he was a dedicated and hard worker and that gave him a unique type of charm. As we left the restaurant the first time I knew for sure I would be coming back, but not just for the food.” She slightly giggled at the memory of this.

“So I ended up being one of the most regular customers in that restaurant. It wasn’t long before the staff all knew my name, they knew where I studied and some knew where I lived as I had already met some of them outside the restaurant. However, your father never changed his attitude towards me – I was always just a customer. Well, that’s what I thought at least, so I nearly gave up. Until one day I found out that he had quit the job. I was shocked to hear this as all I had found out about him was that his name was Lee Sungmin and he was three years older than me. I had no idea where to find him or anything. But it turned out I didn’t have to look far. One day he was waiting after my class outside my university with a flower bouquet and asked me to date him. That’s how our very much youthful and passionate relationship began.” I could see she didn’t want to go into details just how passionate this relationship was and honestly who would want to know that about their parents? It was enough to know that my brother was born a year after they started dating.

“Everything was great. We had a lot of fun with each other, we barely argued, we felt really good and comfortable being a couple. Nearing the end of my exchange year I could feel that maybe this was not going to last. After all, he lived there in England but I was supposed to return to Korea and continue my studies. But then something unexpected happened and something that changed our lives forever – I found out I was pregnant with your brother. He had plans of opening his own little restaurant in England as he had finished university by then, but that all crumbled to dust. He gave everything up, asked my parents for my hand and their blessing as he did with his parents and he moved to Korea along with me. He spent all of his savings to buy us an apartment and arrange the marriage, he found a job in an office, something he had always hated but they paid him well due to his language skills and he had finished marketing course in England as well. He didn’t think about himself at all, he only thought about me and your brother, he was determined to make sure that we had everything we needed.” A sad smile spread across her face upon these memories. I was not able to imagine how she felt, but it made my heart warm up as well as it made me feel sad knowing what had happened in the end.

After a moment of silence, she let out a shot sigh. “You can imagine the rest, I assume. We lived nicely for a while. After a couple of years I found out I was pregnant with you, so it put even more pressure on your father, he had to do more hours at work, but he never complained. No matter how tired he was, he always made sure to spend enough time with all of us, to always make sure there was one day in the week we would spend as a family, but his face seemed to age quickly in a very short time. He worked his way up in the company, the time he could spend shortened to that one day and we somehow ended up growing apart. I think it was around when you were four when we started to realize that maybe this wouldn’t work out as we thought. But, of course, we had to stick out. We had both of you, even if it was pretend, we had to make sure to show an image of a nice, solid family. But then a year later he started acting very oddly. He was almost all the time at work, even that one day turned into only a few hours. He started being suspicious of me, kept accusing me of cheating on him and it gave pressure to me. I think Howon was first to notice these changes, you were a bit too young. He made sure you were always somewhere out of sight and hearing range when he knew we would break out into an argument again. And seeing how it influenced you kids, we decided one night that it was probably for the best to just go separate ways.” Her eyes seemed a bit blank at this moment. It was strange, normally people would be crying over these sorts of arguments, but she just seemed… completely blank.

“But I never imagined that he would just take you and go back to England. One day I just woke up to find the divorce papers signed on the table and a little note saying that he had taken you and returned back to his parent’s home. You were always his little princess and he kept saying that if you stayed with me you would grow up to be just like me and this is what made him act the way he did.” She was looking straight into my eyes as she was saying this and I turned back a bit confused that I could not see any regret in her eyes, no sadness. “I did try to go to England a couple of times at first, but he wasn’t in his parent’s house anymore by then and no one told me anything about where both of you were. So after a few attempts and because Howon had to start attending school and I had to settle down with a job, I didn’t have time to look for you anymore. I tried calling millions of times just to hear your voice at least, but he made sure that never happened. I was left with nothing and had to start a very hard fight on my own, so what I put off only for a couple of years, suddenly had turned into 5, 7 and now 10 years. Things just never worked out how I wanted them to.” She ended her story and was just looking at me, waiting for me to say anything.

To be honest I felt dumbfounded. I could understand the bit where she had to work to support herself and my brother and how that might have been a big obstacle to come and see me, but still. It seemed like she let go too easily, that she didn’t try hard enough. After all, I had managed to find her quite easily, I couldn’t believe that she wouldn’t be able to do the same. Sudden burst of anger and disappointment came over me. I had a feeling that she was actually happy father had taken me with him, instead of having to raise two children on her own. “What about Howon oppa? Where is he? What is he doing?” I managed to blurt out, looking at one of the pictures of my brother that lay on the table next to me. “Did he never ask about me?” He had promised that we will see each other again, I would not be able to believe her if she said that he had forgotten about me.

“He barely spoke about anything that had to do with you and your father. I think he understood that it wasn’t something I wanted to talk about that much. He asked if I knew your address a few times, I guess he wanted to send you a letter or a picture so you wouldn’t forget him, but recently he hasn’t asked anything much. I guess he’s just too busy at the moment.” She said while looking at the same picture I had looked at earlier.

Busy? How is it that for this whole family the only excuse for anything is that they are busy? “Busy? What would he possibly be busy with? Hasn’t he finished school by now?” I asked rather sharply. I couldn’t believe how this was turning out to be.

“He is in his last year, he’s nearly done with it. But he’s now a trainee under a company, preparing to debut in an idol group.” She spoke and I could see she felt extremely proud of this. “You might remember how much he loved to dance. Now he goes by the name ‘Hoya’ as his stage name. He and six other boys are training very hard every single day for this. It has been his dream for the last 7 years at least – to become famous and easily recognisable.” Her eyes were sparkling as she said this and I had just about had enough. Well, this family seemed to be doing great without me. I started regretting I had come at all. My heart ached at the thought of both of them giving up on me and my father because of their busy lives here in Korea.

“Do you think I could see Howon oppa before I go?” I asked, refusing to believe anything that was said before I hear it from him. I saw y mother’s face darken a bit.

“Now, Yura, I understand you travelling so far to see us, and you must have a lot of things to talk to your brother about, but as I said he is very busy at the moment. He practices between his studies, often stays out late in the practice room, I don’t want to be putting anymore stress on him. I think it’s best if you returned maybe a couple of more years later, I’m sure by that time he will have already debuted and it will be much easier to see him then.” As she was talking I already had stood up and my hands clenched into fists unknowingly.

“So that’s it? I travel around half of the world and all you care about is my studies and how father will feel if he finds out? And you don’t even let me see my own brother?? What the hell is this?” I found myself yelling at her before I even knew what I was doing. This was ridiculous. I felt Yoojin’s hand on mine, trying to calm me down but I couldn’t care less. My mother’s eyes also widened and she stood up to be on the same eye level as me.

“Now, Yura, calm down. Think about this carefully, did you really think anything would change if you came to see us? Of course, I’m happy you did! Any mother would want to see her children, but this is not going to bring me and your father back together again. Nor can I let you just move in here and stay with us suddenly. Your place is with your father, your life is in England.” I couldn’t believe my ears. Everything I hoped for, everything that I had originally imagined to happen disappeared in a second and I was left with nothing.

“Fine.” I just blurted out, spun around on my heel and stormed towards the main door. I left as quickly as possible. No goodbyes were necessary, I didn’t want to see her anymore. I felt my eyes tearing up, but I would not let her see my tears. Really, what was it that I thought could happen? Did I really think this would solve anything? How stupid I was to even believe that for a second. I heard someone call me from the back, but I just kept running down the road, bumping into people but continuing on without even looking back or apologizing. I managed to reach a little park when I felt a strong hand grabbing mine and spinning me around forcefully. Next moment I knew I was crying into Yoojin oppa’s chest and he had his arms tightly wrapped around me, comforting me and not asking anything, not saying anything. Just quietly soothing me and my hurt heart.