Truth
Two Different Tears
Warning: Somewhat unedited.
April 19
I found myself standing under a dim light, surrounded in a black abyss. I could see nothing; nothing before of me, nothing behind me, it was like I’ve been swallowed into a hole of nothingness. Where was I?
‘Haha! He doesn’t love you anymore!’ A voice mocked me from behind. I looked over my shoulder to see no one there.
‘I wonder when he stopped loving you, Jonghyun. Don’t you?’ The voice mocked again, this time before me. And again, no one was there.
‘N-No. H-He does love me,’ I answered the mysterious being with uncertainty. I looked around me, trying to seek out the source of the demeaning voice, where this person could be.
‘Stop lying to yourself, Jonghyun. Open your eyes! When was the last time Taemin told you that he loved you?’
I pondered the question for a moment, trying to recall when exactly Taemin had said he loved him. He tried and tried to recall those three words spoken by that innocent, child-like voice, but was shot down when he came to realize that it had been weeks, months, since he last heard Taemin say those three important words. I fell onto the ground, my legs no longer capable of supporting me from underneath.
He… He doesn’t love me.
‘Yes Jonghyun, he doesn’t love you.’
He…Taemin doesn’t love me…
‘That’s right Jonghyun, open your eyes. Look at how much Taemin deceived you. He betrayed you, used you, used your trust for his own selfish desires.’
Taemin…
‘Don’t forget that he ed the person you once called your best friend!’
Tae and Minho…together…
The voice continued to cover me in a blanket of uncertainty, of hate for Taemin. I could feel my world begin to crumble down as I was convinced that the what I was hearing was the truth. One by one, I could already feel my fragile heart continue to break, to shatter into a million irreparable pieces. I could feel a salty stream of tears run down my cheeks. I tried to contain the sob, the scream, that wanted to escape my trembling lips.
And then an unexpected light, similar to mine, appeared and footsteps could be heard. It was faint at first, but intensified as the footsteps grew closer. The noise boomed through my ears and I quickly pressed my hands to block the deafening sound. I begged for it to stop, to kill the noise, to leave me alone to wallow with my broken heart.
And then, as if someone finally heard my prayers, the noise stopped. I opened my eyes and came face to face with a the pair of black and white Nike hightops. I recognized those shoes as soon as I saw them . They were Taemins.
My eyes traveled upwards, and bit by bit Taemin’s existence materialized. Taemin’s long, slender legs; his slightly feminine hips; his warm caring hands; his strong, yet thin arms; his small, delicate waist; his broad, creamy white chest and shoulders; his plush, pink inviting lips; cute button nose; and then, his eyes - his innocence-filled eyes that I often found myself mesmerized in. The eyes that were always filled with joy and love when I looked into them, were now filled with relentlessness, of pure disgust as he stared down at me. His powerful gaze cut right through my very soul.
‘I want to break up.’
My eyes widened at his words. Taemin wanted to break up? Did he not want me anymore? Before I question his absurdity, he spoke again.
‘I don’t want you anymore.’
Its as if read my mind. What did I do to deserve this? Had I done something wrong in our relationship? I thought everything was going well, I thought we were happy? I thought I made him happy.
‘Don’t fool yourself. Do you honestly think I was happy being with you? I was happy at the thought that I had someone I could use whenever I wanted. You were just a tool to me Jonghyun. The feelings I have for you can’t even compare to my love for Minho. I hate you.’
With that last statement being said, Taemin turned around and left. He walked halfway into the darkness when Minho materialized and wrapped his arms around Taemin’s waist, walking the rest of the way.
‘Tae…Taemin wait! Please don’t leave me, please! I love you and I’ll do anything you want just please, come back to me! Tae!’
I sobbed ferociously into the darkness. I wailed, I screamed, I didn’t give a damn if anyone heard me. I just wanted to get rid the pain that overcame me, that managed to possess and control what I did, how I lived-
‘-hyun wake up. Jonghyun, wake up! WAKE UP!’
I was pulled out of my nightmare as someone shook me awake. I was unable to see the person next to me as tears flowed uncontrollably from my eyes. I was wrapped around in familiar arms. They were thin, but masculine and he smelled like strawberries and vanilla. There was only one person in this entire house that loved the smell of strawberries and vanilla - Taemin.
He combed his hand through my hair and held me tightly. He whispered sweet nothings into my ears, which by now, I came to realize were all a lie. A new set of tears came rushing out as he continued his ‘words of comfort’. I cried harder into his arms knowing that this will probably be the last time he’ll hold me like this, care for me like this, love me like this. He continued to do his act of pity until I fell back into a dreamless sleep.
I stirred moments later when hushed voices - Taemin’s and Onew’s to be exact - echoed throughout the room. It took me a while to finally be aware of their presence. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting either of them to know that I was awake.
“Tae, tell me the truth. What the hell is going on between you and Jonghyun? I’ve never seen him like this, he’s so…depressed,” Jinki commented as he scrunched his eyebrows in dissatisfaction.
“Nothing…we just had an…argument.”
“Tae, don’t lie to me.”
“Hyung, I’m not ly-”
“Taemin!”
I felt myself flinch from Onew’s abnormally aggressive tone. Even though he was the leader and the oldest of the group, this was the first time I’ve ever heard Onew-hyung so mad…especially with Taemin.
There was a momentary silence in the room, only the sounds of three individual’s breathing could be heard. Finally, after what felt like hours when it’d only been a minute or two, Taemin spoke.
“I…I don’t know what to do anymore hyung,” he whispered.
“About what, Taemin?”
“About me and Jonghyun. We…I…”
Onew didn’t interrupt and waited for the younger one to finish what he had to say. I laid there anxiously, waiting for what Taemin had to say about me, about us.
“I don’t feel that I deserve his love. I-I don’t feel the same about him anymore. Please understand that I do love him, hyung, but the love for him isn’t as strong as it was in the beginning. I-I…”
It wasn’t long until I could hear Taemin crying. Onew let out a soft sigh telling him that ‘it’s okay’ and that ‘everything will be alright’. But really hyung, will everything be alright? How can any of this be alright?! Here I am, pretending to be asleep, and I just so happen to hear that my boyfriend doesn’t love me. This is twice in a span of two ing days.
I tried to swallow the huge lump that was beginning to form in my throat, but the more I resisted the more it tried to emerge. I could feel tears begin to form at the rim of my eyes, just as a sob escapes my lips. Then another and another. Soon, my tears accompanied those sobs. Nonetheless, I kept my eyes fully shut.
“Jjong?” I heard Taemin coo, using the nickname when he’d given me when first started dating, as he sat at the edge of my bed. His voice sounded off from the crying, as a sniffle or two managed to escape from his lips. He ran a hand through my hair, trying to sooth me. Instead, I flinched at his choice of affection. He noticed and quickly removed his hand.
“D-Did…did you…were you awake this whole time?” he asked me, a hint of fear and guilt evident in voice.
I opened my eyes, staring back hard at the two guilt-stricken orbs. I knew he wanted to look away, but in some miraculous way, I kept them focused on me. I sat up in my bed, not once losing the eye contact that I had with him.
“When,” I asked him, my tone as hard as I knew my facial expressions were, “when did you stop loving me,Tae? How long have you been toying with my feelings, making it seem like you love me?”
“But I do love you, Jonghyun!”
“Cut the crap, Tae. You loved me, you don’t love me.”
He paused, mouth agape knowing that I was right. His body began to quiver as a single tear ran down his face.
“I’m sorry…”
I sat there shaking as anger coursed through my veins. What do I say? What can I say? What do I say to the one person I dedicated my love, my life to, when he tells me he doesn’t feel the same? Not anymore that is. Taemin was no longer mines, his love no longer belong to me. Instead, it belong to him, to Minho. How did this happen? Why did this happen? What made him fall completely out of love with me?
I stood up as a swarm of endless questions devoured my mind. I stride across the room, ignoring Taemins’s call. I zoomed passed Onew who stared and called my name as I exited the front door, closing it with a loud bang. I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew that I wanted to get away from that house, away from the sadness and complications, away from him.
My feet took my took me to a nearby park where no signs of other life were present. There were no children, no birds about, it was just me and my overpowering depression. I found myself breaking out into a quick walk, then a jog, and then an all out run. I wanted to freeze my thoughts, my feelings, and a good run did just that. My chest heaved after a while, desperate to get some oxygen into my body. I refused to go any slower, the slower I went the quicker those unbearable questions took old over me. I didn’t even noticed that I had begun to rain. Hefty drops of cold water pelted my skin and soaked my clothes. It dripped from my hair and down the side of my face.
Before I knew it I slipped on a muddy puddle of water, falling forward onto my hands and knees. I heaved heavily, all energy left my body from the intense run. When I felt that my arms could no longer support me, I fell flat on my stomach and curled into a fetal position. Only then did I let my emotions out, as well as what remained of my tears.
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A/N: It's been a while since I updated huh? Sorry about that! :) I'm actually done writing this fic, I don't know what it took me so long to update (actually, I totally forgot about it ^^;). The next chapter will be the last chapter. Huuu, till next time! :)
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