Still flashback :)

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My heart felt like someone just stabbed it with a pitchfork then throwed it to hell. Why of all people did hyung fell for My Dara noona? Why can't he just fall in love with Bom noona? or that cat Chaerin? or that Jin-ah noona? why her?

"Hyung...I c-ca-"

"Seungri-yah, come on.. please, help me with Dara. I heard that you turned down all of the hyungs when they asked you to help them out, don't tell me you'd turn me down." Gd hyung looked at me with eyes full of sincerity and trust that I did one of the most stupidest thing in my life. I nodded. My heart was practically begging me to say no. My mind was practically calling me retarded.My eyes wanted to cry out of its sockets when it saw Gd hyung smile. My ears wanted to be deaf when they heard Gd hyungs joy. My stomach wanted to puke the food I ate this morning. Well, its official, my body parts hate me. 

"Seungri tell her how great I am okay? Tell her every good detail about me okay?"

"Neh hyung. I need to go. Noona might be waiting for me." I said and tried my best to smile.

"Yah, why are you scowling?" Gd Hyung asked, his good mood completely evaporating.

"Hyung its just that my wisdom tooth is growing and it hurts. I'm actually smiling." I tried my best to smile truly this time. Its a good thing that hyung believed me. Hyung smiled at me again and went out of the men's room. After he left I immediately hated myself in more ways than I can imagine. Why did I just give up on Dara noona just like that? Was my feelings for her that shallow?

No. I love noona. More than I love myself, but I gave her up just for hyung. Is that rational? I can't think straight right now and seeing noona might not be a good idea because I might change my mind about helping hyung. Was this really how my life supposed to be? I can't believe that just a few minutes ago I felt like nothing could go wrong. Just once, I wanted to be selfish and claim noona as Mine. But I was such a coward that when it came to that point wherein I have to stake my claim to hyung I shrinked away, instead of telling Gd hyung, "NO! DARA NOONA IS MINEEE!" I just nodded my consent.

Maybe I could just pretend to help hyung? Maybe I could do that. But I know deep inside that I can't turn back to my promise to hyung. I immediately went home after gathering my torned ego.

I will help hyung. No matter how much it pains me.

As soon as I arrived home I locked myself at my room and broke down. I never realized before that love could be this painful. Even if it sounds gay, I cried my eyes out.

Why did I put myself in this kind of situation?

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*The following day*

I was reluctant to open my eyes, somehow, dreaming has became a lot better than reality. My waking hours has became a nightmare thanks to my stupidity. I opened my phone and saw 2 missed calls and 3 messages. The 2 miss calls came from Dara noona herself. I dunno what to feel when I saw her name. Of course my heart ached after seeing her name. I realize that if I help Gd hyung with noona I can no longer have her and I would be stuck watching the side lines.

Message 1:

From: Dara

To: Panda

-- Yah! why were you absent? :(

I was stuck with Tabi as my partner!

Message 2:

From: Dara

To: Panda

-- Are you sick Dongsaeng?

How will noona help you?

Text me or call me Arasso?

I'm worried. >.<

Message 3:

From: Jiyong Hyung

To: Seungrat

-- So Maknae you'll still help me right?

After reading the three messages I felt terrible. I'm torned I no longer know what to say or do. But my sense of helping hyung drowned my own selfish feelings for Dara noona. In this world you're either selfish or selfless. And in my part being selfish is out of the question. I replied to Dara noona and assured her that I'm fine. At least phyisically, my emotional and pschological rational is beyond repair because of the decisions I'm making. I barely realized that I was already dialing hyungs number when I heard Ji hyung shout at the other end of the phone.

'Yah! I barely slept a wink and your calling me at this un-godly hour! You better have a good reason for this Seungrat or else Yg hyung will need to find a new maknae!"

I sighed and took a breath. Calming myself before answering hyung.

"Yah! I'm hanging up!"
 

"No!! HYUNG! wait!"

"What??!!"

"Hyung IF I help you with Dara noona, do you promise that you wont ever hurt her?"

I held my breath as I waited for hyung to answer. Part of me wanted to hear hyung waver and say that what he feels for Noona is just temporary.

"You'll really help me? OF COURSE I PROMISE! I'LL NEVER HURT HER!"

"Okay hyung. I'll do my best to help you out."

and just like that, I gave up my claim on Noona.

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Confession

Dara noona and I where in the 7th floor in YG building. We always hang out there whenever we had time. In those stolen moments I feel like she belongs with me and nobody can take her. In that rooftop it was "our" world. No one can penetrate it but us. We always share our secrets, goals and dreams there. She really wants to be a singer and she wants to be one badly. So we always practice there together and we would tell each other our honest opinion. I admit that I'm not the best singer but I always gets inspired whenever she does her best in singing. Though she's not that bad at acting she really yearns to be a singer.

Hyung has been pestering me for the past few weeks and as always I keep on telling him that I'm still working on it. Though Gd hyung is cheesy and all he's still shy around noona so he keeps on asking me to help him out. One time he even asked me what kind of guy does noona like so he can change himself to be the type of guy that Dara noona wants.

 Hesitantly I looked at noona who was currently looking at the sky "um.. noona? Can I ask you something?"

"sure, what is it?"

"what's your type of guy? Do you like the stoic kind? or the prince like? or the--"

"Hold up a sec? why are you asking this question?"

"I'm just curious noona, that's all." then chuckled.

"Hmm.. okay then. I like tough guys, who are chic, fun to be with, can crack funny jokes and makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the world." When she said those words I immediately thought of Gd hyung. I sighed. So she likes someone like gd hyung, maybe I should start immitating hyung? maybe she might like me.

"someone like you." i heard her murmur but maybe I was hearing things? So I disregarded what she said. But be that as it may, my heart started to feel alive. But I realized that I can't have her.

"Um noona. you know GD hyung just wrote a song. He'll be the leader of the group that YG Sajangnim--"

"Yah seungri are you getting tired of Noona's pressence?" She asked me with a tinge of sadness in her voice. My decrepit heart didn't want to hear her sad. If there was anything in this world I didn't want her to feel it was sadness.

"Not at all Noona, Why?"

"Its just that you're practically begging me to be with Jiyong!"

"Its just that---"

"Yah! so you are getting tired of me!!"

"No noona its not like that! I really like you noona! in fact your the best and I'm your number 1 fan!" She smiled at me and it was enough for me.

"Good. You're my favorite dongsaeng and I'd really get jealous one day when you'll get a girl friend."

I shook my head and laughed. "Noona I already like someone." YOU.

"Really? tell me! who is it?"

"its a secret! I'll tell you someday."

"Arasso. My little panda is growing up way too fast!" she sighed dramatically but somehow her voice became sadder. Am I missing something here?

"Noona I'll be going to gwangju for a bit. My grandma will be having her birthday." I didn't want to go. because I was afraid that if I left her even for a day or two my place in her heart will be changed. And I dont want that to happen. I'm confusing aren't I? I want her to be with hyung but I selfishly need her by my side.

She looked sad for a second then smiled warmly at me. "So when will you go to gwangju and how long will you be there?"

"The day after tomorrow maybe I'll be staying there for 2 weeks? I'm not sure. Yg Sajangnim said I could take a bit of a time off training."

"Um. Greet your Grandma for me okay?"

"Noona is there something bothering you?"

She laughed and her ears turned red. I noticed that she was biting her lips. Signs that something is really bothering her.

"Aigoooooooo! Nothing is bothering me." her ringtone suddenly broke the heavy atmosphere "in or out? am I in or out"

She spoke in tagalog for a bit and I swear she looked troubled but I couldnt understand the words she was saying. After the call she looked sad. But I knew her enough to not ask questions when she didn't felt like it. So we stayed in silence for a bit.

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After I got back from gwangju after 3 weeks I immediately went to YG. There were an emergency and I couldnt just leave yet during that time my grandma and I talked about a lot of things. And yes, including her. She told me that I need to break my promise with Ji hyung and just get the girl myself. I realized that Noona is more important to me that I can sacrifice my friendship with Ji hyung. It was already 9 am so I'm sure that noona was in the rooftop so I ran as fast as I can to confess everything. During that 3 weeks I practiced ardently in front of my grandma  and 5 year old cousings(Yes I know embarassing) on what I'll tell Dara noona. I already perfected it in my head and I can't wait to say it to her.

When I opened the roof top door I heard 2 people talking. It was ji hyung and dara.

"I'm not sure Ji. I already like someone and he might just like me back despite my a-"

"Dara I know that there is someone in your heart already. But I promise you that I'll love you more than a man can love a woman."

"I dunno ji, but can you give me more time to think about this?"

"I understand Dara. I can wait."

I heard footsteps coming my way so I hid inside the locker near the door.

I wanted to cry. So even if I confessed I still wouldn't have the chance. Noona already likes someone else. I waited for 15 minutes there and emptied my broken heart of emotions. If i can't have noona for myself then I might as well help hyung instead of that unknown person, right?

I saw noona stare into oblivion. She looked so serene, so calm, so perfect. I love her. I always have and always will. No one can compare to her.

"Yah noona! I'm back!"

She ran to my side and hugged me! I was so surprised that I couldn't believe it myself!

"Aigoo! what took you so long?"

So I told her about my grandpa getting confined to the hospital and no one could look after him and all that. After telling each other what happened in the span of our 3 weeks apart we sat in complete silence. So this is how it feels to be miss and be missed by someone.

"Seungri Jiyong confessed to me."

I was afraid that she'd tell me this. But my resolve is strong. I dont want noona to be with that someone I don't know.

"You should be with him noona! Hyung really loves you!"

For a minute she looked at me as if searching for an answer. "Are you really sure Seunghyun?"

Seunghyun? she never called me that before.

"Seunghyun? yah noona! you're getting older! Its Seungri!" I joked. "Of course noona. Ji hyung loves you and people wont judge you for you being older than Ji hyung for 4 years. Besides, his last gf was older than him for 5 years! Anyway noona, I need to go to YG sajangnim and tell him the reason why I wasnt able to attend for 3 weeks."

"Arasso, and I'll think about what you said... oh.. seungri, I'll be leaving after 3 days. My company in the philippines wants me to come back already."

I couldn't think straight after she said that. So she's leaving after all.

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after 2 days. I barely had time to talk to Noona and if i did try she would avoid me and I dont have any clue why. So I buried myself in practice and in improving myself. I know that she'll be leaving for the philippines soon and there's a chance that she won't return anymore. She's not called the Philippine BoA for nothing right? Gd hyung also got his wish of being with noona. And every minute of their happiness is an hour of pain and torture for me. Specially when noona comes to our practice room and brings hyung food all I can think is that "That used to be me."

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I did come to the airport for the time of her departure. But didn't have the guts to show my face. I just couldn't not with Gd hyung around. Gd hyung told me of his plans in visiting Philippines and he's practically begging YG sajangnim to accept Dara noona's application to be a singer. As soon as I saw them kiss I closed my eyes and broke down. I left the terminal and never dared to look back.  I dont ever want to see her again. But that's just a lie. I love her but seeing her with hyung would just kill what's left of me. As soon as I got home I grabbed a paper and wrote a poem then later it evolved and turned into a song.

What Can I do?

I’m break it down down down
break it down down
break it break it down down
I’m break it down down down
break it down down
break it break it down down

Saying that I’m your man
I trusted you buy why
You say it’s for my own good

Please don’t say don’t say
so tell me why you’re doing this to me
baby I can’t do anything
You left me alone like this like a dummy, why did you leave

Chorus:
What am I supposed to do?
You don’t like this or that and you
keep blaming me when it’s not my fault
Then what am I suppose to do?
What am I suppose to do?

I gave you everything that I had and laid it down before you
The only left for me is you
Don’t avoid me anymore 

I’m break it down down down
break it down down
break it break it down down
I’m break it down down down
break it down down
break it break it down down

I didn’t have any thoughts about meeting you again
Again, why
Every night in my dreams you’re smiling

so tell me why you’re doing this to me
baby I can’t do anything
You left me alone like this like a dummy, why did you leave

Chorus:
What am I supposed to do?
I gave you everything that I had and laid it down before you
The only thing I have left is you
Don’t avoid me anymore

Let’s break it down
What am I supposed to do?

hey I’m slowly break it down
I’m slowly break it down
What am I supposed to do?
I can’t send you off like this

Chorus:
What am I supposed to do?
I gave you everything that I had and laid it down before you
The only thing I have left is you
Don’t avoid me anymore

I’m break it down down down
break it down down
break it break it down down
I’m break it down down down
break it down down
break it break it down down

*present time*

After sleeping all day I grabbed my towel and showered the sleepiness out of my system. Remembering his painful first love still lingers inside his head. Sure he "flirts" around, but that's just because he needs to conceal what he truly feels.

"Hyung if you can't take care of noona, I might as well take her from you." These are the words I've been dying to say but still hasnt the guts to do so.

How long do I have to wait?