chapter nine;

Jongin held my hand as we walked, leaving the school. I could feel eyes on us, on our intertwined hands, but I didn’t let it bother me. Jongin is my brother, I defended in my head. He can hold my hand if he wants.

He never let it go. He held it tight as we pushed ourselves through the crowds. He held it tighter as we crossed streets after streets. And he continued doing so even when we finally reached the patbingsoo stall, only to find it closed for the day.

“Her son’s sick, I heard,” an elderly woman who happened to pass by told us.

Still gripping my hand tightly, Jongin dragged me to a convenience store nearby. “Pick an ice-cream,” he instructed.

I obeyed without a word and picked two ― the other one for him.

After paying, we walked to the deserted playground not far from the shop; one hand holding our ice-cream, the other holding one another’s.

He only let it go when we both sat down on the empty swings. I looked at him and smiled to myself, recalling something from the past. He caught that, and asked, “Why are you smiling?”

“Remember when we’re younger? Umma always made you hold my hand when we crossed the street even though you’re not that much older than me,” I answered.

He gazed at the clear sky; a smile crept on his face as he reminisced those times. “Yeah, she’d get mad at me if I didn’t,”

“You were a good brother,” I said. “Are,”

He didn’t reply, and we continued to eat our ice-cream quietly until he was done with his and I finished mine. He glanced at me and finally broke the still air between us. “What’s bothering you?” he asked.

I stared at my shoes. Noticing a couple of mud stains on them, I tried to scrub them off on some tiny rocks lying on the ground, but they wouldn’t come off. I gave up trying and kicked the rocks away, frustrated. Letting out a heavy sigh, I looked away. “Nothing,” I lied.

From the corners of my eyes, I saw him nodding lightly. Even so, I knew that he didn’t buy that. He was Jongin, after all, someone I grew up with. Of course he wouldn’t believe such an obvious lie. But he didn’t ask further. Instead, he waited. He waited patiently for me to open up to him by myself without being forced to do so.

At last, I darted my eyes at him. “Why do you think something’s bothering me?”

“Because you’re you, and you don’t skip practices without a reason,”

“How do you do that?” I asked.

“Do what?”

“You read me like an open book. Sometimes I feel like you know me more than I know myself, and it makes me feel bad because I don’t think I know you more than you do,”

He chuckled. “You don’t have to. I’m already more than thankful that you have those thoughts running inside your little mind,” he remarked.

Smiling, I paused for a second, and then pointed out, “You haven’t answered my question,”

He gazed at me with his soft eyes and a matching smile gracing his lips. “That’s because I have a sister who asks a lot of questions. I have to be prepared,”

I stared at him, and he stared back. His smile didn’t waver, not even the slightest bit. I lifted my eyes away and faked a scowl. “My mind is not little,”

He laughed at that, and upon seeing that happy expression on his face, I joined in the hilarity which lasted for no longer than a minute. It died down just as soon as it began.

“Oppa,” I called out. “How do you know that you like someone more than you should?”

There was this long silence where we could hear the sound of leaves rustling to the rhythm of the wind. Up in the vast blue sky, the sun was radiating its scorching heat, warming the world. A car passed by, followed by a group of kids on bicycles, laughing intently at whatever funny topics they were discussing. Finally, Jongin answered. “When you ask someone else about it,”

I stared at him, carefully scanning his expression in case he was joking, but I could sense not a single trace of evidence that he wasn’t being serious. “Really?”

He gave me a knowing look. “Do you like someone, Suji?”

“No,” I replied a little too fast and instantly scorned myself for that.

“Right,” he smirked. Kicking the dirt below his shoes, he later added, “I think, you like someone more than you should when you can’t stand seeing that person with someone else,”

When I shifted my gaze back at him, he was already swinging back and forth, looking as gleeful as a kid without a worry. The thing about Jongin is, he gives you an honest answer. Even if it hurts, even if it sounds bitter, even if it kills you inside, he doesn’t sugarcoat his words just to make you feel better.

I loved that about him. When I asked, he answered.

-

Jongin let me sleep in his bed again that night. Just like the previous time, he placed a pillow on each side of the bed to prevent me from falling down, laid down a futon on the floor next to the bed, and went to sleep after tucking me in, as if that was the normal, everyday thing to do.

-

I woke up the next day with a renewed enthusiasm. I changed my phone’s wallpaper, and headed to school in confident strides with my brother beside me.

But after the final bell went off, Minho appeared at the door again, Riah and him went off together again, and I felt my heart sank again.