It was quite early in the morning when I heard Mum’s voice calling my name. I tried to bargain for several minutes more, but after my attempt failed, I stirred for a while before groggily sat up. “Isn’t it too early?” I asked as I rubbed my eyes and tried to adjust to the light.

She tousled my hair and kissed the top of my head. “Is it alright for a birthday girl to sleep in and missed half the day?”

That jolted me awake, and with full conscious memories from the previous night returned. Jongin came into my room just before midnight after our parents had gone to bed, and after convincing me with his plans and with much carefulness, we snuck out of the house to celebrate my birthday. It wasn’t much. We ate ramyun together at the convenience store because I was complaining about being hungry, and then he bought some fireworks from the same store. We headed to the park in our neighbourhood later and we lighted up the sparklers and played quietly together.

“Make a wish,” he told me before the fire of the final sparkler I was holding went off. I gave it a thought as I gazed at the light, and just before it died out, I made one and watched the glow vanished.

We made a trip back to the store to buy ice-cream for each of us afterwards and walked home while eating it. Somehow we managed to slip in without a noise, and after thanking him and bidding each other goodnight, we headed to bed.

“Happy birthday.” Mum’s voice snapping me out of my trance. I nodded as I looked around, pushing my hair back. “Where’s oppa?” I asked, noticing his absence. He is usually the one who wakes me up on my birthdays, yelling into my ears and shaking my whole body in order to wake me up.

“Oh, Jongin?” she responded without looking back as she helped to straighten the bed sheet. “He went out. He said he needs to run an errand, but he didn’t answer when I asked.”

“Errand?” I cocked my head to the side thinking, at the same time wondering how many hours of sleep did he get. I tried to brush the questions in my mind aside as I reached for the towel and headed to the bathroom, but even after I finished my breakfast and received the presents from Mum and Dad, I could not stop asking more and more questions about him to no one in particular.

-

I ended up going to the same park we went the previous night and sat on one of the swings there, the same spot he took. I stared at my phone, typing questions like “Where are you?” and “When are you coming back?” but erased them all without sending any. In the end, I exhaled a sigh through my nose and kicked the sand beneath my feet.

Less than a minute later, I heard footsteps approaching from behind me. With my eyes widened I stood up and turned around. “Where did yo―”

“Hi.”

It wasn’t Jongin. “Hi,” I muttered.

“May I join you?”

I briefly nodded my head in response. “Of course.”

Riah smiled before shuffling towards the swing next to mine and taking a seat. “It’s your birthday, isn’t it? I saw it in our class list.” She glanced at me and flashed another smile. “Happy birthday, Suji-yah.”

“Thanks,” I smiled back. I tried to ignore the awkwardness in the atmosphere I felt and focused on the ground instead. “Why are you out so early?” I asked. “Going somewhere?”

“Just running errands,” she answered, pointing at the canvas tote I didn’t realize she was carrying.

“I see.”

“What about you? What are you doing here in the cold?”

“I’m just waiting for my brother.”

She nodded. “I see.” Silence fell between us, and when a car drove by the park we both glanced and watched and it disappeared from our sight. I was trying to come up with a topic when she finally broke the ice. “You hate me, don’t you?”

Surprised, I turned to look at her and frowned. “What do you mean? Of course I don―”

“I know… that you like Minho oppa. I noticed that when I saw you together,” she interrupted.

I gritted my teeth and was quiet for a moment. I felt a choking pain in my heart that made it hard for me to breathe. I stared at her and thought of Minho. I’ve done a good job avoiding him for the past few weeks, including ditching basketball practices by making up excuses that I needed to study or that I hurt my leg and needed rest. I left class early, too, in case he came. Thinking back, I wasn’t really sure why exactly I was avoiding ― whether it was because I was too embarrassed, or if I wasn’t prepared to hear his answer. At last, I looked away and mumbled a reply. “I don’t hate you.”

“Why not? I’d hate me too if I were you. I’ve been so greedy and selfish. I know all along that he likes me, but although I shouldn’t have continued to lead him on and give him hope, I still did. I still look for him when I need a company, pester him to buy me things and tell him things that are bothering me.” She paused and heaved out a sigh before adding, “He must have been hurting a lot.”

I thought about what she said and remembered the look on his face whenever he talked about her. He’d be smiling at the mention of her name, but at the same time there’s this pained expression especially in his eyes. His words resonated in my ears. “Just when I’m feeling upset, or angry.” I wondered if he was angry at himself for not being able to move on, like how I was angry at myself.

“I guess I like the idea that there’s another person out there that likes me, and I want to hold on to him just in case,” Riah continued. “That makes me selfish.”

“That makes you human.”

She raised her eyes at me. “Does he know? That you like him, I mean.”

“As a matter of fact, he does.”

“What did he say?”

I shrugged. “Nothing.

She shook her head and returned her gaze at the slide in front of us with a rather sad smile on her face. “Isn’t he stupid? There’s a girl so kind and sincere out here who likes him, but he still goes around chasing after someone like me.”

My eyes followed her gaze, and the corners of my lips curled. “Yeah, I guess he is.”

She looked at me again and laughed, and I did the same. Just in time, we heard footsteps behind us and glanced around, only to find Jongin. Riah bowed her head slightly at him before turning back at me. “Your brother’s here now. I’ll make my move. See you at school.”

I nodded and watched her leave while Jongin came and took her place. I tilted my head and narrowed my eyes at him. “Where did you go?” I questioned.

“Just… I went to buy you this.” He handed me a paper bag that contains a fairly large box. “I heard they sell out fast so I thought I’d be there as early as possible just in case.”

Seeing the logo on the box, I gasped. “You bought a cake from this bakery?”

He only bobbed his head instead of replying with words. “You said you wanted one for your birthday.”

“I did?”

“You forgot? Aish, I shouldn’t have bothered going out so early. What a waste of my sleeping time.” I kicked his foot and made a face. In return, he stuck his tongue out at me. I rolled my eyes before he went on. “Why are you out here anyway? It’s cold.”

I shrugged. “I was playing game but it got boring playing by myself.”

A triumphant smirk crept up on Jongin’s face, and he edged in closer and bumped his shoulder into mine. “I wasn’t even gone for that long. Bae Suji, you really can’t live without me, can you?”

“Talking to you is really frustrating.” I clicked my tongue, got up and started to leave with my hands shoved into my pockets. I heard his chuckle before he asked where I was going. “Home,” I answered brusquely.

“Hey, let’s go together.” He, too, got up and jogged to keep up with me. “Anyway, you better get me something cool for my birthday later.”

-

It was in the middle of preparation for lunch when I felt my phone vibrated. Mum was going back and forth between the kitchen and our dining table bringing the food over with Jongin helping her, while Dad was lighting up the candles. I excused myself for a second and went to the living room to read the text.

Happy birthday.

And I’m sorry.
from Choi Minho

I paused to think of what I should type in reply, at the same time wondering if Riah had informed him about my birthday. Did they meet up today, after she met me at the park? Do they meet everyday? Will they continue to do so, even after what she told me? I found myself being flooded by hundreds new questions that would probably be left unanswered like those already existing ones. In the midst of it, I heard a voice calling my name.

“Suji-yah, what are you doing? It’s all done. We’re waiting for you.”

I smiled at Jongin and nodded. “I’ll be right there.”

I typed back a simple ‘thank you’ and stared at the screen for a moment longer. And with every unanswered questions and lingering conversations going on in my mind, I quietly pressed the erase button and slid the phone back into my pocket before returning to the table to join my family.

■ I wanted to update this two days ago in commemoration of my brother's birthday but I got hooked up watching drama hehe.
■ I understand how you'd feel if I don't update in a while and I appreciate you coming to me and ask for an update but I would really appreciate it better if you don't do that because I tend to put off writing more when I get those messages because I'm a rebel weird.
■ I'm really thankful to those who continue to stick with this story even with me being a slow/lazy writer! I love each and everyone of you ♥