“How do you stop liking someone?” I blurted out one evening when Jongin and I were watching television while our mother was in kitchen preparing dinner. I was lying sideways on the two-seater sofa while he was sitting on the one-sitter, a book in his hand but his eyes were locked on the screen.

I assumed he did not catch that, since he kept silent for a little longer than a minute, but with his gaze still on the television screen, he shot back. “Why do you want to know?”

“Just because,”

He lifted his eyes to meet my gaze. “Why do you keep asking me questions like this?” he probed with a knowing look on his face. “Bae Suji, is there something you like?”

I blushed and darted my eyes away. “Can’t I like someone?”

“Sure you can,” he smirked, and then turned his gaze to the book he was holding, flipping it open and closing it again. “Well, you can’t,” he said afterwards.

“What?”

“I mean, that feeling of wanting to see that person at least every day if not every second, you can’t stop it. I don’t think it can fade away that easily even if you push it. Sometimes, the more you force yourself to forget, the stronger it becomes,”

Silence fell between us as I let his words sink into my mind, replaying them over and over again.

“Who’s the unlucky guy?” he then spoke.

I stayed quiet for a while before I finally replied him. “No one,” I lied. “I asked because I was curious. That’s all,”

He looked at me with his lips pursed together but didn’t say anything and went back to reading his book. I knew he didn’t buy that, but I wish I knew what he was thinking. I tried my best to keep my face straight and appear normal. For once in my life, I wish Jongin wasn’t able to see right through me. Somehow, I just didn’t want him to know.

-

I decided to go out to play soccer alone one particular evening out of boredom and frustration. I would have asked Jongin along since I knew he would gladly say yes if I did, but unfortunately for me he was on a fishing trip with his friends, which bummed me when I was told about it because I never knew that he had any interest in fishing.

Noting the time, I figured that the field next to the park would have been packed. Therefore instead, I made a turn to the school and played there by myself. There wasn’t much you can do when you play soccer alone besides running after the ball and kicking it towards the net, you see, but I didn’t really have a choice but to make do with it.

I ran and ran. I kicked and kicked. Grunting as I did so, just to let out the emotions that I kept bottled up inside.

“Mind if I join?” I heard someone asked just when I was staring at the ball on the ground few meters away from the goal post, trying to catch up with my breath.

When I turned around, my breath got stuck in my throat and I almost forgot to breathe altogether. Unable to trust my own voice, I simply nodded. “If I win,” I managed to say before we began the oe-on-one game, “I’ll tell you something,”

Hearing that, Minho looked at me for a brief second before returning his attention to the ball he was holding. “Alright,” he simply replied.

-

I won.

“You’re so good at this,” Minho remarked breathlessly while we were lying down on the green grass.

“Thank you,” I mused, pleased by his comment. “I grew up playing soccer, that’s why,”

“Then how come you’re in the basketball team instead?”

I shrugged. “I guess I fell in love with the game,”

“I see,” he nodded, then turned to me. “So what is it that you were going to tell me?”

I froze at that, and kept my gaze locked at the blushing sky. After a moment of hesitation, I said, “Instead of that, can I ask you something instead?”

“Shoot,”

“Why do you like Riah?” I blurted out.

He looked at me, startled. “You knew,”

“I sort of found out,” I responded. “You gave her that bracelet,”

“Ah,” he smiled.

“Well?”

“Well, because Riah’s Riah,” he answered, as if it explains everything.

I paused, and glanced at him. The marigold colour of the setting sun made him appear strangely like a doll, which caused me to blush and my heart to beat faster. A flock of crows flew by in the sky, probably on their way to return home, wherever that was. “Does she know?” I asked.

“Know what?”

“That you like her,”

He choked out a laugh. “Maybe,” he said. “Maybe not,”

“You never told her?”

“Nope,”

“Why not?”

“Because,” he began, “her heart belongs to someone else,”

“Then why keep liking her?”

Again, he laughed. “It’s not like I can command my heart to stop at once,” he replied. “I can’t.” With that, he got up and shouldered his bag while brushing off the dirt from his back. “Thanks for the game,” he said, smiling.

I watched his retreating figure in silence while replaying his words over and over in my mind like an echo without an end. When it disappeared into the horizon, I curled up into a ball and cried.