I told work and they were fine with it. I’d been there for over a year without having a holiday so they were more than willing to give me the time off. By this Sunday morning I would be in Seoul.

The time passed fast without much recollection. I remembered the fights An-Jae had with mum. Jung-Bae being absent from home again, SooTae complaining about something which we apparently had to do. Dad was uptight and Ji-Sun was the sweet five year old who only got told off once a day because our mum couldn’t bring herself to punish him properly.

Such twofaced hypocrisy! She was more than happy to yell at us and then expect us to feel bad but with him she would immediately change moods like there was a button or switch for it. Hell, no wait maybe this is hell?

Or maybe this is an illusion I’ve managed to build for myself? But what would it be due to? Could it be from lack of God? Was it from lack of bible reading, falling on my knees praying that our sweet and merciful saviour would forgive me because I screwed up? But then why hasn’t he answered? Why is it silent? How many times will there be ellipses in our conversations? More from his side than mine! Or was my relationship with God even real?!

I couldn’t even think there was too much swirling in my mind. Normally after a blow out I could reason out what had happened. At least in my messed up self there was some sort of wisdom. But even that couldn’t tell me what the underlying cause for this. I hate myself. Maybe hate is an illusion too.

*****

I packed my things in a backpack. I only took four shirts which I could wear many times and wash a pair of brown cargo pants, a pair of black shorts and a pair of blue skinny jeans. My dark blue sheepskin boots, my purple converses as well as a grey hoodie, my black thick jacket in case it got cold; a light purple and blue knitted scarf and my toiletries.

In a smaller bag which I would take around with me everywhere I had my phone and charger, a small sketch pad that I hadn’t used much lately. Some coloured pencils as well as a 2B and eraser. Tissues, breath mints and a tiny note book which I used for my thoughts. I saw my Bible, sitting shut beside my bed. I hesitated, not feeling like I would need it. Something inside me obviously disagreed because I ended up putting it in my bag regardless of its weight.

My step mum and dad were watching a movie with Ji-Sun asleep in my father’s lap. The only time he looked so angelic was when he was in dream land. The rest of my siblings were God knows where. Jung-Bae was probably clubbing again, An-Jae would be with his girlfriend of three years and SooTae would be in her room; singing away the cares of this life.

I had no escape; which is why when this opportunity came I had to take it. Anything to make me forget about how they tread on me, took advantage of me, said bad things about me to my face because I never stood up for myself. For once I would not be surrounded by critics. I would be free, free to say how I felt without fear of judgement. Free to eat what I want, do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Freedom itself is liberating.

I left a note on my door telling my parents where I was and how long I would be gone for. I’d also added that I’d told work I would be unavailable, gave the number of Minah’s home, her mobile as well as adding that I had my phone too and would keep it on and charged.

Once this was done I took my house keep and slowly closed the front door. The fresh cool air caused a smile to emerge on my face. It felt so foreign like I hadn’t done it in so long. The walk to the bus stop was only five minutes away but it felt like nothing compared to the exciting realisation that I was going away.  Who knows, maybe if I liked it enough I would actually move to Seoul for good. I could live with Minah until I found my own place and have better chances of finding a job I would actually enjoy. The possibilities were almost endless.

The bus ride to the train station was about half an hour. I almost fell asleep if the slow jolt of the vehicle pulling up to my stop hadn’t forced me forward in my seat. Damn where were seatbelts when you needed them? I made my way through the masses to the ticket booth where I got a one-way to Seoul. I’m going to be honest and say that made me giggle. I like the music group One Way. I follow one of them on twitter.

Anyway… The train was five minutes away so I found a seat and sat down. As I was waiting someone rushed past me, they knocked my bag from beside me accidentally.

“Hey what are you..?” But that person had gone, leaving me bewildered as to why they were running so fast. In the end I couldn’t do anything, if I ran after them I could get lost and then I would never make it to Seoul.

My phone rang, it was SooTae. Seeing as she would be least likely to yell directly over the line I trusted this fact enough to answer it.

“Mum and dad are furious!” She began with irritation, “they think you’re running away!”

“Didn’t they read the note?” I had to resist the urge to hit my head with my hand, “It said that it would only be for ten days!”

“Yeah well they aren’t happy you didn’t say anything. Mum says that you were being typical. Not communicating again which is really—“

“—Hey shut up before I punch you!” I stopped, people were watching me. They must have thought I was crazy, drunk or just a in general. I took a deep breath to listen to the rest of what she said.

“Well… Can you call home when you get there?” SooTae asked, sounding unfazed from my outburst.

“Alright,” I felt like it didn’t matter. Sooner or later I would give in and do the right thing. I was tired of being the good sister or trying to be the filial daughter but I always came back around. I had no backbone.

“Ok, bye,” with that she ended the call. I leaned back in my seat trying to calm myself down. My eyes were building with tears that I refused to shed. I was tired of being weak, tired of pretending to be strong. I’m just fed up with everything. Slowly and surely it’s been driving me to the edge of my sanity, and I just growl in frustration. I need to just learn to endure with the storm a little longer, and wait for the rainbow to appear. What bloody rainbow?

This story is really writing itself :D. I thought this would be sad but now it’s more of frustration >_>. Not reaaally what I was going for but it will do. It may get sadder in time. Thank Jeirez (did I spell it right) for the end part to do with insanity. If you don't believe me check my profile wall and you will see it there.