The glass I was holding shattered onto the footpath next to my foot. I'd never been more grateful to wear closed in sneakers. I blinked, not sure what had happened. All I knew was that the sharp material was in my hand, the tip just lightly pressing into the skin moments away from embedding into my vein.

And then something had happened. A voice from deep within, one that I hadn't recognised before. A warm, deep tone that whispered to my core. The voice just said two words, these words affected me more than I had ever imagined they would:

Let go

I stopped, my heart's beat starting to calm. A warm sensation began to fill me flowing outward. It was like I was being hugged without having another person embrace me. I understood then and there a lesson that I never thought I would have to learn again.

Forgive

What a fool I had been. It wasn't his fault for the rumor. It was his private life and I was only a fan. What my emotions cried out wasn't what my head knew. It had been the result of my heart which had been unguarded and not alligned with logic and common sense. I needed to be like the other fans who didn't mind or care. Those who had someone that already loved them and if they didn't, they were still happy for his happiness. It was never about me, it was for him. I felt more sorry than I'd ever been before. This wasn't the first time I'd doubted him amd now that I found myself offended at the trivial means it seemed wrong for me to still be considered a fan. Maybe that was something my family had always noticed and because of my ability to get easily offended they had masked the real meaning of the word through other actions and things said. Maybe I am pretentious. Maybe I have always been and never realised it.

But that wasn't the only thing I had realised I needed to forgive. It was him, the person who had convinced me through manipulation of my feelings that I would never find the right guy. The wound wasn't meant to have opened again. He could never hurt me again, he was gone for a reason. So that I would be safe from his lies and his predator-like behaviour.

I closed my eyes, head bowed as I said a short prayer. "God, if you could forgive him even before he did it. Then I will forgive him too," my throat became tight as I added, "and forgive me for me doubting u-know." With that I opened my eyes, blood was on the ground. I glanced at my arm, blood was trickling down my arm. Clumsy me, I'd managed to cut myself afterall. "Oh drat," I applied pressure, wishing at that moment I had a bandage or something. This wasn't good, I think I may have gotten carried away. I looked around to see if I could spot anyone who would be able to help. I heard the sound of cheering and yelling, they sounded drunk. Maybe someone there would be sober.

***

I came to a park bench where three guys were sitting with bottles of alcohol. It was almost like I was repeating history at the club. Mentally preparing myself I took a deep breath and went over to them.
"Umm excuse me," I began, "but would any of you have a tissue?" My head was getting light from the blood flowing out. They stopped, all three of them talking at once. I couldn't barely understand.
"I think I may do," one of them stood up. Holy crap what was this?! I had never met a single celebrity since I lived in my hometown and now I had met Hoya, Gahi and now this guy. One whom turned straight guys gay and gay girls straight. I didn't even want to utter his name for the fear of jinxing whatever this was.

"Here," he reached into his pocket and took out a packet of tissues. Even with a bare face he was handsome. His eyes were slightly sullen from the alcohol but he still had nice skin and facial features.

"She looks like she's seen a ghost Jaejoong-ah," one of them teased as they laughed. I took the tissue and made a small bow.

"T-thank you," his mouth almost moved into a smile. Taking a deep breath I slowly lifted one hand to place the tissue. He saw the wound. I looked at him, seeing his face darken slightly but not in anger.

"I...It was an accident," I quickly admitted.

"Really?" It was the first word he'd said, his voice low but with an appeal to it. I nodded hastily, embarrassment slowly creeping into my face. He straightened himself up. "They all say that." Oh man this was just horrible beyond words. I'd caught him at his most unglamourous stage and he didn't even believe me when I tried to say I didn't cut myself.

Screw sadness, shame is what I was feeling like now! "I'm going to go now." I quickly thanked him again, wished them a good night before telling them to not overdo the drinking and then left. I heard him call out after me but I didn't stop. I must have seemed crazy for leaving like that, wouldn't it make sense for a girl to stay and talk to him? Nope I guess I defied all that common sense stood for, especially if you're part of a so-called batcrap crazy fandom.

 It was bad enough I had no album to sign or camera to get a photo with, I'd been seen as someone who was potentially suicidal. He had every right to look down on me or to be disguested at my actions. Maybe that's how he had felt when his close friend had died. He probably thought I was a crazy fan who did it to get attention.

Either way I'm actually not suicidal..... I think.

***********************************************************************

This chapter with the brief cameo of Jae is to try and make up for not having any stars appear in the past two chapters. I need to be careful that I don't add too many stars otherwise this will become more unrealistic.