I was quiet on the way home from the cemetery. It had been years since I had really cried about it. The wound didn’t hurt but it didn’t mean the memory of it didn’t. She had been gone for a while; dwelling on what could have been would have brought unnecessary hurt.

I decided that I would go home on Sunday afternoon. I called home and told my dad what my decision was. I was going to be reprimanded for leaving without a word which was only half true. However I somehow felt a lot better after speaking to him. It made me wonder how I even disliked him. But I was struck with remorse for leaving Minah so soon but she seemed fine with my decision. “Hey I can manage by myself,” she admitted. “Don’t worry about me. Just make sure that you are able to smile properly again.”

“Then what have I been doing?”

“You’ve been half smiling,” I didn’t understand this. “I don’t think you realised that it’s ok to have hurt feelings. You wanted to be happy so that you could cope with everything, but instead you got bitter by holding on to it all. I hope you’ll be able to let go and seek what is out there waiting for you.” Her words, I wished that I’d heard them sooner. Well… Maybe I had after all. My step mum had said similar things to me, had I been deaf as well as stupid?

“Well,” I didn’t know how to answer her. “I guess I learned that not everything I went through was really a big deal. Maybe I overreacted in some cases.”

“Well those things don’t matter and now you can think about what you want to do with your life, who you want to be with,” she nudged me in the side.

“Please don’t talk about that,” the thing with Hoya still tore at my insides.

“Why not? Don’t you want to get married one day?”

“I need a boyfriend for that.”

“Don’t you like anyone? What about your bias from Infinite, Hoya? He helped you back then so it would make sense if you did.” I gave her a dirty glare.

“There isn’t anything,” was my answer. “Not only is he famous but he’s also got a dating ban if I’m right.” Truth was I didn’t have knowledge about this. “Even so he may have a crush on someone famous or from his home town. For me to wish for more is stupid and pointless,” I got up from my chair to go to my room.

“Where are you going?” She asked.

“Bed, its Sunday tomorrow. Church would be on right?” I saw her face tense at the sound of the word ‘church.’

“Alright fine then.”

“Minah…” She stopped moving to let me continue. “Come with me, please just this once?”

“Why?”

“I only know your church here,” I sheepishly told her, “and I don’t have a car here.”

“OK,” she was still against it but I could see she was going to make do.

***

Her church was how I remembered it; big congregation, loud music and people jumping up on stage; no surprise that they even had a guitar solo in the bridge of one of the songs. She was tense as she sat down next to me in the service. Her hands were clenched in the fabric of her flowing skirt as we listened to the sermon. I saw her gaze go downcast a few times as well.

We were going to leave straight afterwards if some girls hadn’t recognised Minah and came to talk to us.

“So how did it feel?” I asked her as we sat in her living room when we’d come home. I was putting the last of my things in my bag.

“It was alright,” she had relaxed a lot more since we’d returned. “it was weird at first and I felt like Pastor Yoon was being too judgemental in his word though.”

“Hey that’s normal,” I shrugged, “sometimes we tend to think that everytime people correct us that they are just bringing us down when it’s the opposite.” Something clicked in my brain. How come I only learned that just now?

“So what time is your train?” She changed the subject when I hadn’t said anymore.

“Eight thirty,” I said reading the timetable I’d printed.

“I see,” she sighed. “You won’t be here for night church.”

“Wait I thought you weren’t—“

“—That doesn’t mean I’m going to refuse an invitation to go. Besides we’ll be getting kimchi afterwards.” I don’t think she understood how horrible she sounded.

“What time does the service start?”

“At six thirty, so I’ll have to drop you off at the train station beforehand.” What was I supposed to do for two hours at a train station?

“Alright fine.”

***

It was strange arriving at the train station. To me, time had gone too quickly. I was meant to be there for ten days and I was returning in a week.

“Stay safe,” she hugged me as we came to the platform I was at.

“Same to you too.”

“Oh yeah,” Minah grabbed my bag and took out my notebook. She opened the page and shoved it almost in my face. “Call him, try and talk to him so that at least you know that you can close that book on it.” I snatched the book back.

“Fine, but he may not answer,” I added. “They could have a schedule tonight.”

“Still, try when you have a chance.”

“Ok I will,” I gave in too easily. She hugged me again before she left.

“Bye, safe trip.”

“Bye and thanks,” the smile I gave to her was half hearted. I wished somehow that I was staying longer but I knew that wouldn’t help things change. I needed to be home; home where I knew that I would be able to forget the grudges of yesterday and be a better person to my parents, my siblings and my friends. It would take time like everything good does but it would be worth it.

As I was sitting in the station, the radio changed songs. My heart stopped for a moment. Why was Chris Browns’ With You playing? I hated that it reminded me of Infinite and then of him. I think I was crazy. I was just a fan right? I didn’t really like him in that way without being star struck. No it wasn’t possible.

But then there was just one thing left I had to do. I took out my phone. My hand was trembling as I went to my call log and called a person I’d recently spoken to. It rang for ages with nothing. In the end it went to his mail box.

“Hey Hoya this is Lee EunIn,” I didn’t have long to speak and I was running out of time. “I know that I’m just a fan and what-not but…” Believe me when I say that I struggled to think of what else to say. “I…I hope you do well with your upcoming comeback. Sorry, I’m at the train station so if you can’t hear me then that’s why. I should go, fighting.” That had been the most pathetic ‘fighting’ anyone could have ever said. Who was I kidding? I hung up and just held my phone in my lap. I was beginning to get sleepy

***

I woke up and then jumped in shock. It was quieter than normal. All the hussle and bustle had died done. My eyes wandered to the clock. “HOLY CRAP IT’S TEN PM!?” I’d missed my train. Rushing to my feet I went to check the time for my next train. It wouldn’t be coming for half an hour.

“This ,” my mouth moaned as I slumped back into my seat in defeat. What could I do? Minah may still be out, my parents would be wondering what happened to me and who else cared about me?! As expected I had missed four calls from them.

“Sorry,” I told my dad on the phone, “I’ll get there as soon as I can. No I’m fine. I just fell asleep that’s all.”

“—Is that what you did?” My phone nearly hit the floor. Who was this creepy man?!

“Wait a minute. No not at you dad; I have to go bye.” I hung up. “You’re one of their managers!”

“Correct,” his fringe was sticking to his forehead. “It took a while to find you.”

“Hold on, what do you mean ‘find me?’”

“Check your phone; someone’s been trying to contact you other than your family.” He was right. I didn’t even realise I’d received a message. My eyes continued to widen as I read the three sentence message:

We’re having a break from schedule. I didn’t understand what you meant in your message. Did you want to talk to me?

“There’s another one,” a great way to add injury to insult. This one was only two sentences:

Where are you at the train station? Manager Hyung is coming to get you.

“And there’s another one,” I said in exasperation. He’d barely written a sentence:

Have I upset you?

“Doesn’t he think of not writing just one whole message?!” I asked his manager to realise that there was one more message:

Manager Hyung is there, are you on a platform?

“If you want to talk to him you’ll have to be quick,” he advised me. “They’re in the middle of practicing for their comeback but now they’re on a break. Hoya doesn’t normally check his phone but for once he did. We allow special exceptions from time to time. He used his card for his by asking me to come here.” How was this anything special? I had to choose.
“Alright let’s go,” I picked up my bag and followed him hastily.

***

It was a quick drive. I was nervous, I had no idea while I was even doing this but it felt like it would be ok in the end. Either way it was a win or lose situation.

“Here,” he pulled over to a curb in the middle of nowhere it seems.

“Wait a minute,” but he was already driving off. I gave a sigh. “What do I do now?”

“What do you mean?” That voice, it sent a shudder up my spine when I heard it. Poor guy looked tired. He was in a white t-shirt with a purple character on it. He was in baggy grey pants and black sneakers.

“Um, you look exhausted,” I told him unhelpfully.

“Intense practice,” he admitted scratching his neck. “I heard your message but… You didn’t sound so clear in part of it.”

“Oh right,” already my cheeks were beginning to redden. “That would be the whole me being a fan thing. Don’t worry about it, I’m not sure where I was going with that.”

“I don’t think you’re a fan,” what? “Well, you use to be, but somehow… Not anymore.”

“I still like your music.”

“I can’t explain it,” he was at a loss of words. “You’re a fan but not at the same time… Aigoo does that make sense?” I shook my head. “I can’t talk for much longer,” he told me regretfully. “Practice will begin in ten minutes and that’s when Manager Hyung will pick me up from here and drop you back to the station.”

“It doesn’t matter if I’m late anyway. I will have missed my train.”

“I’m sorry if I’m the reason.”

“But I don’t mind,” I quickly added. “Because now I can find out how you feel about me!” My hands covered my mouth immediately after this slipped.

“Uh, I… I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry.”

“That isn’t something I am allowed at the moment,” was his response. “Also, I like someone too.” The atmosphere was starting to get awkward again. His manager returned and we got in.

***

The ride to the station was still awkward. I couldn’t look at Hoya the whole time. Stupid, I should have known that he wouldn’t have platonic feelings back. It just wasn’t likely.

The car pulled over and I quickly got out and pushed the door before going to the station. I heard someone come after me. “Wait,” an arm reached out to stop me. I slowed to a halt as the chaser came to me. The next thing I know I was in someone’s hug. For a moment I didn’t move, this hug had not been planned ahead. With much hesitation I touched one of the person’s arms to show I received it. Taking the height into consideration my mind began to whirl. This could not compute. My brain would not work.

“Maybe… We can be friends?” Hoya asked as he loosened his hug. I looked at him, studying his expression as best I could. He looked nervous as well as some other emotion I didn’t know. I guess he didn’t do that sort of thing often.

“Alright,” I said bending my fingers down and showing only my baby finger. “That’s a promise.” For a moment I thought he was embarrassed. But eventually as he made his hand do the same.

“It’s like primary school,” he joked after we sealed it. “I guess until the next time you’re in Seoul.”

“Yes, and when you aren’t practicing too hard.” I added.

“Deal,” I couldn’t describe the feeling as I watched him go back to the car and drive off. I guess I could say bittersweet yet sweeter rather than bitter. Like the feeling would be when I would return home and be hugged by my mum, get scolded by my dad and have my ear talked off by my youngest brother. Though things wouldn't always be good, I could endure it better this time and I knew I wasn't alone. I would never forget what I learnt through the people I'd met.

So when the rain ends I can smile again. I already knew that.

Ah bad, lame ending. I feel like there’s so many plot holes that this story is a sieve, everything’s fallen through. I have no idea if this really is based on the theme of hope. The ‘hinted’ romance may have been unnecessary also. I don’t know, but anyway hope we enjoyed it.