Donghae's P.O.V. 

 

Hard to take 

 

I want to hug and kiss him. I want to lift him and say 'Yes, I'll forgive you, Siwon.' But I just can't. My heart wants me to, but my mind won't let me. I can't deny that I have feelings for him too. But I know that deep inside, we're not good for each other. I reckon that if we keep seeing each other we'll both just end up devastated and hurt. What should a person do if he falls in love with a man that can cause his downfall? 

 

I'm still standing here in front of the door. Siwon grieving on the other side. The way he looked at me was just so heartbreaking. I've never seen him that desperate before. I want to give in and forgive him, but my brain and body are telling me not to. I couldn't move a muscle. I can't believe how harsh I acted towards him. But I know I have to be tough and remain cold. It's just the smartest thing to do. 

 

I can hear him sobbing on the other side of the door. The man has broken down. I spite myself for causing someone this much pain. I really want to open the door and let him inside. Let him inside my heart and keep him there. I want to kiss those luscious lips again and hug his body tight. But all I could do was cry and feel his presence through the door between us. I touched the door hoping that he could feel me. I want him to feel that I am just here. I want him to know that I really care. 

 

After my quick joyride this morning, I got back home and lied down on my bed. I closed my eyes and the first thing that popped up in my mind was Siwon's engaging smile. The way he smirks at me when he's trying to tease me. When he looked and smiled at me in the car last night at Olympic Fencing Gymnasium. And the smile he gave me when I told that I'm willing to be in a relationship with him... I really couldn't get him off my mind. Then a tear rolled down my face. Why does this have to happen? Why does it have to be me? Why did he ever love me? I'm asking myself all of these because... because I think I'm starting to love him too.  

 

All day I've been receiving texts from Siwon. But I did my best to ignore them. I didn't want him to suffer, I just wanted him to know that I was mad. I was so confused. I want to drive down to the park and be with him. but part of me wants to give him what he deserves. I guess ego got also in my head. If I met him there, I'd appear as someone low and wimpy again. I decided to be a man and stay home. 

 

Then suddenly, I heard footsteps. So I looked into the peephole and saw Siwon-sshi walking away. Guess he gave up already... I want to run after him and shout his name. I held on to the doorknob and... and stayed there. Don't do it, Donghae. Think about yourself. I took a breath, walked towards my living room and let myself collapse on the couch. This is so hard!!! Wish there was a medicine that could just make you forgive someone who wronged you without hurting your pride and manhood. 

 

I the TV for a much needed distraction. And to my surprise, Siwon was on it. I landed on a midnight re-run of 'Oh! My Lady' on SBS. Just my luck. I think this is the finale episode already. It's the part where Siwon was singing on stage for the musical he joined. He was singing Worthless. Uhh. I know this won't do me any help right now but I just couldn't keep my eyes off the TV. He looks so undeniably handsome and he sounds like an angel. And it's as if he was singing to me. The lyrics fit our situation right now perfectly. I couldn't help but cry. Oh, Siwon-sshi. It's so hard not to fall for you... 

 

I fell asleep on the couch that night and woke up to a ringing cell phone. It's a phone call from Manager-hyung. "Ya! Donghae-sshi! Are you still sleeping? You lazy . You must have forgetten that you guys have a photoshoot today for CeCi magazine. Anyway, just be at the studio by 3pm, arasseo?" Uh-oh. Almost forgot about that! "Ah. Of course I remember that, hyung. See you there." What a horrible liar. "Ok-ok. Don't be late." He hung up. 

 

So, I got in the bathroom and took off my clothes. My reflection in the mirror showed me how awful my body looks. Bruises everywhere. On my arms, my stomach and my face. Thank god, the ones on my face are not that evident anymore. Then I remembered... Siwon's gonna be at the photoshoot later as well! Oh damn... I'm not ready to see him just  yet. What am I gonna do?! Should I avoid him the whole day?! Will the guys notice?! Aish! This is so complicated.

 

I moved as slowly as I can. I took my time fixing my hair, picking which clothes to wear and even drinking my tea. Wish the time would just stop and skip the whole day. 

 

Eventually, the time came. So I put on my best smile and try hard to act normal. I stayed inside the dressing room while waiting for the photoshoot to start. Headphones on while pretending to be busy texting. Siwon arrived late and I must say, he looked really terrible. He came in wearing his cap and shades on. And when he finally took them off, I caught a glimpse of him and saw his eyes look puffy and red. Was he crying the whole night? He remained quiet the whole time and isolated himself from everyone. Is this my fault?

 

When we were all ready and set. The photographer called up and said "Alright, guys. We're grouping you into three today. Leeteuk, Kyuhyun and Sungmin you guys are up first. Then Eunhyuk, Donghae and... Siwon you'll be next." Right after he said that my eyes went straight to Siwon and he was looking right back at me. Dumb luck! Is this meant to happen or it's just a silly coincidence? 

 

"Good to know that we'll be partners again, Fishy!" Eunhyuk-sshi suddenly appeared in front of me. "Hehe! Yeah..." was the only thing I could say. I looked back at Siwon again, he's glaring at Eunhyuk from behind and clenching a tight fist. But he eased up a bit when he saw me. Is he jealous? Please don't act this way, Siwon-sshi. Then I suddenly felt woozy. "Hey, Fishy. Are you alright?" Eunhyuk said then held my chin with his thumb and index finger. Uhh... Eunhyuk-sshi now's not the best time to be touchy.

 

Aish... I don't know what to do! If I keep talking to Eunhyuk, Siwon will get all jealous and might do something crazy again. And that will just add more damage to our already-perplexed relationship. But If I avoid Eunhyuk-sshi, he'll think that I'm mad at him and probably might talk to me even more... 

 

I can't just please one without hurting the other. Damn! This is gonna be so awkward. Just do your best, Donghae! Make it work.